yea i kinda just wanted ta type out my..anger and stuff,..kinda ventin...yea i didnt really know what board ta put this in,..so i put it here,...move it if you wanna....ok i like broke up with this guy awhile ago,...cause he had a nother gf besides me,....and he like used to tell me i was like the best thing that ever happend to him and crap right,...well i have nosy friends,...and they kinda spy on him,...why?...i do not know,...i dint ask em to or anything,...but they do,...but yea,...they like tape record everything and stuff,...and he like says everything to her that he used to say to me,...and it kinda pisses me off,...i mean i felt like taht was for me and me only(the things he said)....but apperanly hes one of them sad losers that have like a writtin list of what to say to every gf,..and i mean i try to forget about him,...but once i almost forget,...there he is tryin ta talk ta me and crap,...i mean i wanted to stay friends at first,...but i mean friends talk,...more than 2 times a month....and if he dont talk to me i end up hearin a song that reminds me of how much i hate him,..or about how it used tio be,...and i like just break down and cry,...and i kinda wanna tell this new chic hes with taht he was with me the first month he was with her,...but then if she asked him about it i know hed be all,...what i dont know her? shes just jealous,...like everyother guy,...then hed like come and blow up at me all leave me and my gf alone,...but like before i broke up with him,,i asked him if that chic was his gf,..and he was like well in her eyes yes,..but to me no shes just a pawn,...and if i told her he said that hed be all how the fuck told u that? i never said that,...like he alwasy tryed to do with me....god it just seems like every guy i go out with is a loser,..and this one the biggest,...the first one after 6 months....just started ignoring me,...then the other one tryed to rape me,..the one i found that i truly loved the most,...goes and gets shot,...and then this loser,...i hate gettin hurt i like dont know how to handle it and i like blow up and break things and hurt people on accident,...i just dont know what to do anymore,...i mean i want my ex's new gf to know about how he really is cause i knopw hes only like halfin him self with her,....god i cant think...and i feel like im gonna puke...oh well...its weird tho....i start to forget about him...and then he pops up and wants to talk or sumthin....and when he does that ,..i get the weirdest feeling,...like my hearts gonna explode,..and its gettin sqweezed at the same time,...like extreme love and intence hate at the same time,...i mean i still ove him..why?>?! i have no effin clue!! and i wish i dint love the prick no more,...i mean with the experience iv had with guys,...i hate them now,..all i can think is bad thoughts,...a guy like tryes to complement me and i think,...bull shit thats a lie,...cause from guys all i hear is lies,...i fuckin hate it!! god theres been soo many times iv tryed to kill my self,..but like drugs and stuff,..but its dont woke ill just get sick for liek a day or2,...i mean i dont wanna make it obvious at the surface what i did if iwas to actualy succeed in killing myself,...i meani wanna kill my self,..but i dont wanna die,... cause the pain of bein hurt so manytimes,..ther tearing feeling of my heart,...and other feelings i cant explain,...i cant take it anymore,.....well before i go in to another subject...like i think i started to,...im gonna go i guess,...u dont have to reply or anything,...this was just kind of a vent thing,..but u can if you want,...srry for the swears,...if i said any,...srry if nuthing made sence,...sorry for my typos(but im sure ull get it).......whatever talk ta yalls later,...


----Kal

If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would've done it. I mean, really, if you wanted to, you'd blow 500 bucks on heroin and inject it in your eye, but the fact that you simply woke up the next morning tells me that you weren't serious, that you had doubts. People know what will kill them and what will almost kill them. And that says to me that you don't want to kill yourself. You may feel betrayed and hate every male on this planet for being an asshole, but you don't hate yourself and you don't hate being alive. Right now, with your slew of crappy boyfriends (and I use that term loosely) you've had your trust stolen from you, and it's up to you to build any trust for any boyfriend back up again. It's going to take a LONG time. You may even want to go talk to someone about it, though I think it will heal in time. Surround yourself with your friends. The friends you trust, mostly, because surrounding yourself with trust is the only way you can learn to have it again.

well its not so much that i want to kill myself,..its more like i wanna find a way to like just sleep for ever,...to stay away from what hurts,...ya know?,..and i mean iv tryed talkin ta people and my really good friennds and stuff,..but they dont understand,,....and i think they try to,..but they like cant,...ill like tell them sum,thin and there just like hm..ok...and then theyll stay like silent till i say sumthuing again,..and i get frustrated and ill be like u know what fuck it whatveer,...then they get all pissed cause ill be pissed,...then theyll like yell and be like well no ones gonna help u if you cant talk to them,...but i do talk,...just no one understands anything i ever say,.....


-----Kal

Love hurts. Being played like that hurts even more. And the pain of loving someone who played you hurts like a million knives down your back. And yeah, sometimes talking might not help... people might not understand what you're going through. But I do know how much it hurts when you hear an ex tell another girl he loves her. You thought he would only love you... so did I. But I promise, the pain will eventually subside. Suicide, eternal sleep... neither one is the answer. That means you will have surrendered to him. He wants you to cry. He wants you to be sad. But you won't. And by what I read, I presume that your past sucked. But there is a man out there, that will love you forever. Just enjoy yourself, and your time with your friends. True love will smack you in the face at the most unexpected moment.

well i meani ts not just the love crap,..i mean its everything,...since my one bf died,..everything has gone wrong,...since him every guy has been a jackass,....and everyone i try to get close to dies,..i meani n the past 2 years,..5of my friends(including him) 3 cousins,..2 aunts, my secondary g'pa,..have all died,...and not from like age or anything,.. like getting shot and suicide kinda stuff,...and my best friend has been missibng for 2 weeks,...so yea its not just love,...well i guess u can consider loosin people close love,...but a different kind...and people are all like oh grow up everyone eventually loses someone,...but thats exactly the point,...eventualy,..not freakin all at once...ya know?,..i mean if one more person i know dies,..i dont know what ill do,...i think id completly break down....and that crap with my ex,,...it dont hurt that he tells the other chic he loves her,..it hurts that he tells her all the same stuff he told me "your the only thing taht keeps me alive" "your the best thing that has ever happend to me and nuthing better will ever happen" "i will never love anyone besides u" "if you die i die with u"...i mean that fuckin pisses me off,..i mean dude get m,ore lines,...things get old with each person,...i mean,..and like i had said before,..he told me she was only like a pawn,..i mean i so wanna tell her that he said that,..but i cant exactly prove it,..and if she asked him about it,..of coarse like anyguy he'd deny everything,...heh i really mix my subjects alot huh?....


----Kal

Anyone who's seen my posts knows, for or better or worse, my opinions on angst. Yelling at you probably won't help, so I'm not going to instigate a flame war.

As for advice... I'd reccomend a hobby. Something along the lines of you getting out more, maybe working out? Lifting weights works miracles... trust me. It'd probably help a lot if you improved your views on life (by which I mean, try not being goth for a while, or at least look a little more optimistically.) The best advice I can give you though, is to surround yourself with people that are happy, and if not... talk to someone. Tell the guy to feck off and die and get over it, if that's how you feel.

And if all else fails, just remember: Cheer up emo kid! It's not that bad and it could always be worse.

i do have hoobys,...and actualy i do go and work out and stuff,..but usualy i end up like spacin out and thinkin about stuff,...and im inna band and stuff,..i menai get out alot actally,...its like when im at home at night that i like,..uh,..am depressed and stuff,..sum times i be the same around my friends,..like on a quiet/boring day....i mean i really try to stay away from my own thoughts and stuff,..and i try to stay away from my ex,..but like i said before,..he just comes up outta no wher,...and i mean i could be all like get the fuck away i dont wanna talk to u and stuff,..but i mean last time i did that,...he like grabed my arm and like pulled me baxck and started screaming at me tellin me everything thats happend is and was my fault...then hell like try to be all srry 4give me and sttf like right after,..and when he like trys talkin ill like be a bitch to him and stuff..,..well the normal me he never met before,..and hes all what your gonna be a bitch cause we broke up?...but yea...its like everytime i start to get better and start to like not be all hate full and stuff,...guess who pops up....and i mean iv tryed ignorein him...and he does that hole grab my arm shit,...and iv hit him before cause of it,..but he like called the cops on me and shit,...and i told them what he did but i was to blame cause i beat on him and all he did was grab my arm..whatever...and u said try not to be goth for a while...im not goth...do i seem it?...hmm...


----Kal

Meh... you do seem goth (the name, the attitudes...) but that's not the really the point.

I'm out of ideas, though.

eh yea whatever,........
thx fer the 'advise' tho,....oi guess......


----Kal

It's okay to be angry at the people who have left. Eventually the anger will cool and maybe you can forgive.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. Stay with us though, right? Then you'll be around for when things start to improve.
Things will start to improve.
Dump the jerk. He doesn't sound like a friend.
I can't know exactly what you feel. I may have felt something similar when my guy of 6 years called it quits. He said that being with me long term was repungnant and then wondered why I took it personal. It's been 6 months and yeah, I still get angry about him sometimes but I'm starting to find that I've a life that's just fine without him in it.
Try to keep a heart that's willing.