Mata throws apple cores at small ant colonies.

Mata Put the Bop in the Bop she bop she Bop...

"Somewhere over the Rainbow" was once originally titled "Somewhere in the Matazone", until someone noted that the lyrics made no sense. The Lyric writer simply replied, "Wait."

All plasticine sculptures, no MATA who they're made by (get it? Matter? Mata? A-hahahahaha!) all have a slight resemblance to Mata.

Mata wrote the song "Beautiful Alone" but sold the rights to the song to Kieth from <Philler for beer money.

Mata burns all the money he makes from donations on the top of a big hill, as a sacrifice to the God of PVA glue.

Mata claims that it is actually only a short walk to Tipperary (but then, he also claims he knows the way to San Jose, so I don't know what to believe).

WHen people ask for directions, Mata purposely gives them the wrong ones.

Mata always dunks his digestive biscuits a split-second too long, thus causing them to disintegrate into his hot beverage.

Mata puts rose pedals and shredded carnations in his salad. He says they add a zest.

You can't spell 'Armored Transport' without Mata. Coincidence?

Mata = Many Adherents Take Alcohol

oooh yeah, I suppose you're gonna tell me he left his heart in San Francisco next

Mata farts in lifts

Mata's alter-ego is Rolf Harris

Ssshhh... don't tell everyone now, will ya' ?



Mata gives his friends dirty erasers, so that black streaks spoil their work.

(I was going to use the English term for erasers, which is 'rubbers', but I thought our American cousins might read the rumour a different, far more disturbing, way).

I think you might be right, for Mata knows two little boys that paid a visit to the ladies of the harem of the court of King Caractacus, and annoyed them by tying a kangaroo down (sport!) in the middle of the room, then shouting, "I want my mummy!".


^ meaningful to Rolf Harris aficionados only, I'm afriad.

Mata once pushed an elderly black lesbian anarchist out of her wheelchair. During a Holocaust memorial service.

Mata starts all of his IM/PM conversations with just two words: "Wanna' cyber?"


They usually end with just one word: "No!"

Mata makes balloon animals for little kids... then pops them.

Mata likes to feed rice and alkaselzer to pigeons.

I didn't. And she also wasn't a single mother and reformed criminal.

I compulsively make anagrams from car number-plates. (License-plates for those across the pond.)

You are as bad as Quoth(the Raven); they are acronyms, not anagrams

Although having said that, and considering what thread we are in, perhaps you do try to make anagrams from number-plates. Alphabetically, the letters in mine are: G,N,O, and V. Give it a go

I'll start: Vong - A restaurant in New York.

</flippant spam>

At night, Mata breaks into the workshops of dedicated horologists, and melts the contents in order to give them a shock of Dali-esque proportions.

here you go a couple more to play with, G, F, O, A. Y, F, R, P.

Mata's food source is mainly restricted to brain stem fluid, the cats, dogs and the occasional homeless person is just a distraction form the truth!

The majority of Mata's teeth are made of dentine! And if that wasn't bad enough, his hair and nails are made of a keratin protein!

We have the proof, just try and deny it!

Mata thought Holloween III: Season of the Witch was a good idea.

Mata feeds other peoples cats in order to get their catty loyalty for his war against people who have an issue with the sexual content of the second mittens animation.

Mata was there.

In my own defense, I am Dyslexic...

Mata wears army boots.

I'll let you off, this time


Mata will soon be issuing all registered TOSide forumites with a loyalty card. Use this card everytime you make a donation to the site, or purchase any Matazone merchandise, and you can earn points! You earn 1 MP (MataPoint) for every £5 GBP you spend. Save up enough, and you can exchange these points for exciting gifts.

85mp - a bag of dust bunnies from under Mata's fridge/freezer
226mp - a broken toy car he found in his neighbour's dustbin
643mp - the leftover's from Mata's meal the night before
972mp - a wallet, taken at random from a member of the British public (surprise contents!)
1362mp - a necklace made from the teeth of kittens (manufacturing procedure unknown)
7373mp - a budgie (green)
7374mp - a budgie (green, with both legs)

And, if you reach 10000mp, you can claim the Matazone Loyalty Card Holder grand prize: a pair of tickets to see Mata Haggis, on stage, for one night only. See the man himself! Watch him draw the audience an exclusive Flash animation! Marvel at his graphical genius! Wallow at his procrastination! Leave four months later when he's finally finished!

Prizes are given at Mata's discretion. Delivery of prices costs a further £86 + VAT (17.5%). Terms and Conditions apply.

Mata doesn't stop laughing for the sad video's they show on comic relief

(he does really, I feel I should put a disclaimer, he's not _that_ mean)

Mata habitually shreds the pages of dictionaries that contain any words with the letter Y in them.

When I asked why, he shredded me.

Mata forced me into making my 1000th post here.

And to think I had so many other plans for it.

Mata= Minimum Available Troops, Always...

Mata = Marking and Tracing, always

Mata does the Batusi.

Mata has owed me $100,000,005 since sometime around 1994.

Mata plays "The greatest hits of Celine Dion" for kittens before he eats them... He calls it 'tenderising'...

Mata owns Michael Jackson's skeleton... (and can't wait to collect, one day)... He's also purchased the rights to Michael Jackson's songs...

michael jacksons skeleton is made of the same plactic as his nose so some parts willlast for ever and other parts will fall to bits.

Mata has 14 pairs of black under wear....which he keeps on the off chance that people will be looking through his things and want to know how randy he is

Mata thought getting Hayden Christiansen to play Anakin Skywalker was a good idea.

Mata claims that Teletext is, "better than the interweb."

Bill Gates is Mata in disguise.

Mata thought that Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2-4 were good ideas.

Mata is the one that puts red-eye in all your photographs.

Mata invented the peice of software that allows you to remove red-eye, purely so he could cash-in on his nefarious red-eye-adding-scheme by making a red-eye-removing-scheme!

Mata admires the way President Bush is cashing in on the fear of Americans and twisting it to his own agenda. He plans on modeling his own world-domination scheme on it's brilliance.

Mata has a suborbital platform, high above the earth, from which he intends to cause chaos by dropping marbles and steel rods on major cities...

Mata = Maybe A Tank Attacks

Mata Haggis = Monkeys and Tigers are hungry; Artists give great ideas, silently...