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trunks_girl26
So, due to an unexpected emotion high, I wrote a poem. Any comments would be much appreciated. So sit down, enjoy a nice cup-o-joe and take a look.

My Gilded Cage

Here I sit in my cage
Waiting for you.
A glance to my left-
Apples you placed
With such want, care
And love- now rotting.
To my right- a mirror
Giving me answers
I do not wish to know.
Impatience clings,
A new found friend
In a time of need.
A flutter of feathers
Begets an opening
Of bars- freedom
Or so I thought.
But my wings
You groomed well
Fail. I fall as my
Brethren seraphim
Did. I see you watch
But do nothing.
Dreams On Hiatus
Aww that's sad. sad.gif
elf
ooh, i like it. it's very pretty, and sort of bittersweet as well. <3
trunks_girl26
QUOTE (elf @ Dec 22 2004, 05:37 AM)
ooh, i like it. it's very pretty, and sort of bittersweet as well. <3
*


Thanks. It was one of those creative urges that just had to be satisfied
PsychWardMike
There simply must be a joke about satisfaction in there somewhere.

Anyway, onto poetry. I liked it, for the record. I'd say the title of it was the best, though I'd like to see some more explanation of it (we all know that gilded means pretty on the outside... a little more explanation on that note could add to it tremendously.) And I've come to realize that you are the bird. I would advise, should you like, to change it to third person rather than first. Either way, it flows well and the imagery works. With a little revision, it could go from good to great.
trunks_girl26
QUOTE (PsychWardMike @ Dec 22 2004, 10:46 PM)
There simply must be a joke about satisfaction in there somewhere.

Anyway, onto poetry.  I liked it, for the record.  I'd say the title of it was the best, though I'd like to see some more explanation of it (we all know that gilded means pretty on the outside... a little more explanation on that note could add to it tremendously.)  And I've come to realize that you are the bird.  I would advise, should you like, to change it to third person rather than first.  Either way, it flows well and the imagery works.  With a little revision, it could go from good to great.
*


Hmmm.....I can think of at least 3 jokes, offhand, actually....

But what exactly do you recomend I do in regards to explaining guilded?

I am indeed the bird, but because I make myself the bird, I figured 1st person would be better than 3rd (seeing as how the emotion is coming from inside myself, rather than another person.) Changing the perspective would change the type of and concentration of emotion.

And how'd you feel about my allusions?
Xkitsurabamix
I personally find it easier to write a poem from the third person...that way, if it's some of my more damaging thoughts...it's easier to release it without damaging myself...
PsychWardMike
Heh. I'm flattered.
trunks_girl26
QUOTE (Xkitsurabamix @ Dec 23 2004, 02:27 AM)
I personally find it easier to write a poem from the third person...that way, if it's some of my more damaging thoughts...it's easier to release it without damaging myself...
*


Yeah, sometimes I do, but when I get overwhelmed by a feeling, sometimes I'm not able to separate it from myslef (if that in any way makes sense) so I put it in perspective by writing it through my own eyes. That way I can reread it as my own frame of mind.
FeralPolyglot
The line breaks used really break it up in my head as I try to read it. They almost seem to hamper the way it wants to flow (if that makes sense). Sort of like... An octagonal wheel rolling.. Was this the intended effect? The line breaks almost make me feel like I need to pause after every line and make me unsure which words the poet wants stressed.

Two places where I wonder if you were perhaps looking for a different word than you put... "Begets an opening/Of Bars--Freedom/Or so I thought." and "...I fall as my/Brethren seraphim/Did..." I'd recommend double-checking to see if these indeed were the words you intended to use.
trunks_girl26
Actually, I wanted it to be choppier, in order to give a sence of almost futility and struggle- to reflect my emotions as I was writing it. Thank you for noticing. happy.gif
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