Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: More Poems
The Other Side forums - suitable for mature readers! > The Other Side forums > Creations
i realized that i already put peoms up but i decided that having my own little topic would be cool. I just thought of this one

Everyone's human
we all bleed
we all feel hurt
we all need
we all cry
we all laugh
but everyone bleeds
no matter what
there is death
and it can cover you
because everyone bleeds

(i know that it is not that good but i just thougnt of it. just yell if you want me to write any more of mine)
Hmmm, I like it, but maybe with other poems try to have a bit of direction? It seems to be saying the same thing over and over again- though that could be your point. Which would make it perfectly fine.

I'll definately read your stuff if you post more, so go for it.

And a small tip: never tell your audience your stuff's not good, otherwise they'll have a preconceived negative opinion. (Kinda like, "hey, if the author doesn't think it's good, why should we?")

But definately keep writing. That's the only way to evolve it.
i've dance to the music inside my head
i've wished upon a falling star
i've kept a secret
i've cried alone
i've hid my feelings
i've let them show
i've lost good freinds
i've found myself
i've acted stupid
i've closed my eyes
i've opened my heart
i've lived my life

i can't stand the asking. the pleading
and the look in your eye
when i say no
disappontment and anger
mixed together
taking out your feelings on another
whenever i say no
no matter the question
or at what cost
my answer brings fury to your eyes
and hatred to your lips
in my futile attmept to please you
i have hurt myself

(now these i am very proud of. they have to be my 2 favs out of all the poems i have written. Remeber, just yell if you want more)
Sorry sorry, been posting other places.

I like the first one more than the second one, mostly because the second one isn't as structured as the first. But once again, that's my personal opinion. You may have wanted it that way. Keep up the good work.

(and forgive me if I don't reply after every poem you post, I'm weird like that. But if you want me to make specific and detailed comments on any of your stuff, feel free to PM me anytime.)
Alright, please take this nicely. If it comes off as being caustic, it's not intentional. (See sig)

So, where do we begin? The poems lack direction, as trunksgirl said. I kind of get a mild feel for what you're saying, but it doesn't translate. Repetition is a good poetic device, but when it repeats to the point of unoriginality and it gives the reader a sense of ennui, it needs to be changed. The language is rather dull , and the lack of poetic devices and/or a rhyme/sylabic scheme makes it read like prose with interjections of the enter key rather than poetry. Getting into subject matter, many on these boards know my position on "angst." To clarify: I don't think that it is necessary for all poetry to revolve around darkness/pain/blood/whatever. It worked well for Poe, but as poetry continues to be written (by a large number of teenagers experiencing bleak emotions... let's face it, many Goths write poetry, but that's a rant for another day) the images of darkness have become more of a cliche and serve to wound instead of help a poem, dig? I do like the humanistic undertones (being the transendentalist that I am) in the first one and these don't necessarily need to be scrapped, but in my humblest of opions, they need work. And lots of it. Keep writing - it's the only way to grow.

(Now is the part of my post where I, being the whore I am, ask you to review my stuff, too! Please do!)
wow, helpful, but a little harsh. i was expecding something(!) good to be said about what i have written. those are the best of them you know
I like them smile.gif I like the ideas and connotations of it all. But I agree with PWM about maybe more varied vocab? But otherwise they rule. smile.gif
i like using plain words and not try and vary to much because the whole point of my peoms is trying to get ot a certain point and let people know how i feel without confusing or boring the people. All these poems are my feeling and the way i am.
everyone elses poems are so good *sigh* i am probably just gonna stop writing mine. Its not like anyone has anything nice to say about them (except you I Am The Best, and i thank you for that. ) unsure.gif sad.gif
No! Don't stop! You're really good! If you want to get better, then write more!! And I don't think that any of the other people meant to be mean about your poems, they were just telling you how to get even better! I understand what you mean now about using plain language, like, what's running through your head? Because I'm not sure if many people think using random words. But, don't be put off, people are just encouraging you to do even better. smile.gif
I agree with IATB, I realy like them!
now you have not one, but TWO people who like your poetry, which is great considering that the only person who's ever liked mine is my mom!
QUOTE (rockyhorrorfan @ Feb 3 2005, 06:38 PM)
wow, helpful, but a little harsh. i was expecding something(!) good to be said about what i have written. those are the best of them you know

I wasn't attempting to be mean, just give suggestions as to how other readers might interperate it....sorry if it came off like I was criticizing it harshly. unsure.gif

Poetry is hard to review and critique because it means something different to each person who reads it, and especially those who write it. But the point of poetry (at least in my mind) is to convey the emotions that inspired the piece. And it's possible that you feel you've done that, which is wonderful if you did. What reviewing poetry does is to get feedback on what the reader experiences when they read it. Again, this is hard because poetry is subjective. But I think that's also the fun of it. It can mean something different to everyone who reads it.

Actually, yes, I did enjoy your pieces. I enjoy all the pieces I read. But another goal of poetry is to evolve, and everyone's does it (not excluding my own. There's a thread for them somewhere here. Feel free to review them yourself).

As for dear Mike, he actually was rather less caustic than he could be (see some of the earlier creations work and you'll see what I mean), but ultimately, what he and I were trying to do was to try to give you different directions in which your poetry could evolve.

However, that's the beauty of advice. It's only advice. If you like your pieces, then that's really what matters. So, (wow, this got really big) don't stop writing. It's a great outlet, and everyone can benefit from reading other's work.
sorry i got all pissy but that is how you made it sound. but i really do want peoples apinions.
Just at least make 1 thing out of the stuff u say good smile.gif
I like the fact that I can relate to them. happy.gif
I did say something that I liked, for the record.
If you post things here, expect constructive criticism. If you really don't want anybody to say anything bad about your work, you could ask them not to, but it's a good way to improve.
Vegetarian for life
an imprint on the heart
the eccensce of a flower on the wind
dewdrops on the grass
a radiant midnight sky
a reflection of myself
who i am

A grim smile plays on the face of the nobody
with a black heart and a lost soul
the nobody follows the shadows
of the changing day
watching and waiting
for the right time
when it comes
the nobody appers
an unkown figure
hidden in the dark
the nobodyis alone
for, who wants to be with a nobody?

forgive me for everything i've done
forgive me for saying what i did
forgive me for letting myself slip away
i never meant for it be to as it was
yet everything happens so fast
flashing before my eyes
in frantic bursts of light
i never saw you as i do now
a protecter, keeping me safe from myself
a best freind, to share laughter and tears
so please
forgive me
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.