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Apollyon
Neat story. I really like it!
One problem i see though, is that sometimes, especially around the beginning you start repeating words. I tend to do that a lot as well, and my advice is thesaurus. It's about the most handy tool a writer can have. biggrin.gif

Oh, and here's a story...



Her muscles were sore again. Just like always. Carla gently stretched out her aching back, trying to get out the knots formed by the uncomfortable night. Shivering, she drew herself up from the cement floor, dimly searching for her coat. Somewhere… she knew she had brought one. Or had she? The memories of the night before were dim. In fact, she didn’t remember anything past leaving her house at 9:00.
Leaving the grey stone building that was barely even registered in her memory, she stepped onto the sidewalk, tightly clutching at a tattered blanket that she had gotten… somewhere. Why were here memories so jumbled? There was something… about someone…
Suddenly, a single clear thought struck into her mind like lightning. Molly. Her daughter was at her house all alone since 9:00 last night. What time was it anyway? And where was she? Carla suddenly looked around at the empty streets, devoid of life save for the occasional passing car, splashing in the puddles at the side of the road. Seeing a landmark that she recognized, Carla slowly headed toward it, determined not to let the love of her life remain forgotten and hungry in the street.
A glowing light emanating from a subway station beckoned, and Carla’s thin, emaciated form was gently pulled toward the warmth, as if from a magnet. Seeing the light, out of the dark reaches of a drug-riddled brain came a memory, this one clearer than the last.

“Carla, I’m beginning to suspect that something is wrong with you. Are you sure you don’t need any help, because you know I’m always here for you.”
“I’m fine Rob, just a little tired is all.”
“A little tired? Carla, you can’t just keep making up excuses. This is the third time you’ve been late to work in the past two weeks. You need to take some responsibility!”
“Alright, I’ll try to work on that.”
“See, that’s the problem Carla, I don’t want, can’t have, try. I need you to get it accomplished, don’t just try.”
“Ok.”
“You’re not listening to me are you. Carla, I’m sorry. You have a lot of potential, but I can’t have you working here until you’re ready to actually put forth your efforts. I really don’t want to do this, but you leave me no choice.”
“What? I don’t understand.”
“You need to have your desk cleared out by the end of the hour.”
“But-”
“I’m sorry, I really am.”


Carla shook her head, trying to rid her mind of the awful memory. Oh, God, her head hurt. A muffled creak echoed through the nearly deserted train station as she pushed open the stubborn door. A ticket seller stared at her with wide eyes. Carla suddenly laughed darkly, picturing the hideous portrait she must portray, with her scraggly and dirty blonde hair hanging unkempt around her shoulders, eyes bloodshot and sunken from so many sleepless nights, and skin deathly pale. “Like death warmed over”, as her father always used to joke about the druggies he saw on the streets.
She bought a ticket to the station closest to her house, and happened to glance at the clock. “Hmm, only 11:00, that’s not too bad.” She blankly thought to herself. The subway would come in 15 minutes. Molly could bare to be alone for that much longer. Maybe she would have the sense to get her own food from in the cabinets, and not turn on the oven. She was three after all.
The electric lights hummed a monotonous melody, and a glaring red digital clock on the wall constantly burned the time into her retinas. 11:01, 11:02, 11:03…

“Mommy! You’re home!”
“Hey sweetie, did you have a good time by yourself today?”
“Ya, I played dress-up and dolls and princesses and mermaids!”
“Really, sounds like fun.”
“Mommy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, dear, mommy just lost her job today, so I can stay home all day and play with you, okay?”
“But doesn’t the job give you food? And you need it for your special medicine! That’s what you said before!”
“We’ll find another way to get the food and my medicine, okay sweetie?”
“Okay mommy.”


The subway. The grinding of age-old rails screeching to a halt ripped Carla out of the pleasant memories of her sweet Molly, the only joy left in her life. And hopefully she would always be the joy in her life, unless anyone from the government found them. Which was why Molly could never know about the addiction. Molly would never purposely harm her mother, but a three-year-old doesn’t know the consequences of a loose tongue.
The subway doors slid open, and the few other passengers on board hardly even spared her a glance. Citizens of the fair, clean, wonderful city of New York, they were used to much worse and weirder. Carla picked a seat as far away from her fellow commuters as possible, so that she could have time alone, to try to recall the memories that had eluded her since 9:00 last night… or was it the night before?

“Carla, you still owe me from last week, how can you possibly ask me for more now?”
“Please Chris, I lost my job today, but I can find a new one real quick! I can pay you back! Oh, and I still have money left in savings! I was going to use it to buy food, but it’s alright, I’ll just find another way!”
“How much do you have?”
“I don’t know, a hundred?”
“Carla, that’s hardly even half of what you owe me from last time! I can’t get you more until you pay up! I’m not making any money on this deal! Just because I’m your friend., I can’t keep giving you breaks!”
“But I need it!”
“Yeah, you and every other bum infestin’ the streets of this city. Sorry hon, no money, no drugs.”


“Excuse me miss, do you have a few spare coins for me?”
“Umm, no sorry” Carla glared at the wino. It wasn’t his fault, but how could he ask her, or anyone else for money? Did he really think that anyone was better off than him in this dirty rat-hole? Everyone else was just better at hiding it. Going along in their “glamorous” lives, but really hiding all those deep secrets, that everyone has, but no one will ever let out to air.
The subway abruptly halted, and Carla was jerked forward, and her mind slipped away from her melancholy thoughts, and turned back to Molly, her sweet daughter. It didn’t matter how bad off she was, Molly would always be there for her. And now she had to be there for Molly.
Stepping out of the dimly lit station into the gloomy and cloudy morning, Carla felt her breath coming short. She hadn’t walked far, but with every step she took her breath became more and more agonizing. She leaned against a light post to rest, and another memory floated back to her.

“Please, Jimmy, please can I borrow some from you. Oh God Jimmy, you don’t know how much I need this. I’m getting all shaky, I can hardly think straight. I promise I’ll pay you back this time.”
“I don’t know Carla, you haven’t been the most trustworthy soul in the past…”
“Please, I’ll pay you back double, and not in cash, in drugs, I’ll save you the hassle.”
“Umm, I don’t know…”
“Please, I’ll also pay you everything I’ve got in savings, just for a little bit of it!”
“I need more money. Or maybe something else, to make up for it. Have you got any nice jewelry, a watch, something?”
“You know I don’t have anything Jimmy.”
“I’m sure you must have something I want.”
“No, I don’t have anything!”
“Use your brain Carla! You know what I like. You know what you need to give me.”


Her breath was back, and the pain in her chest had slightly lessened. She continued walking, slower this time, hoping that she wouldn’t have to stop for another rest. That would just keep her away from Molly longer. Molly could be setting the house on fire, or she could have wandered into the street, or she could have suffocated herself under a pillow, smothered to death and blue.
Molly being the sole thought driving her forward, Carla steadily picked up speed as she got nearer and nearer to her apartment complex. Every precious second she saved now would be another second spent with her child. The poor love baby that everyone had thought would never have a happy childhood, would die before ever reaching her teens. Well she would prove everyone wrong. Molly would be brilliant, a businesswoman, would make all the money in the world, would show the universe that she was not a failure; that her mother was not a failure.
Now almost running, Carla reached the stairs and bolted up them. Hopeful, she reached into her pocket, and was relieved that the keys still nestled safely next to the warmth of her body. The off-gold tinted key slid smoothly into the lock, and turned slowly with a muffled click. The door swung open, revealing the mess that had become her one bedroom apartment.
“Molly!” she called softly, walking through the kitchen. “Molly, where are you honey?” There was only silence to answer her. “Molly?” Carla again called, this time allowing a note of panic to creep into her voice. “Molly? Where are you? Come out now, this isn’t funny!” Fear slowly started to wrap it’s icy fingers around Carla’s rapidly beating heart. “Molly! Molly!” she screamed, flinging open the bathroom door. Under the bed, under the sheets in the tub. Nowhere. “MOLLY! MOLLY!” Carla half yelled, half sobbed! In the kitchen, in the cabinet, behind the door. Frantically searching, but not really looking anymore. Because she new what had happened. She knew where Molly was. “No, no, no…” Carla moaned, sinking to the floor, as the final memory came flooding in, blinding her senses. She tried to push it away, but to no avail.

“You know what I like Carla, you know what I like.”
“No.”
“I like your daughter, Carla. I like little girls.”
“Isn’t there something, anything else?”
“You know there isn’t. You sell me your daughter, I give you enough drugs to last the rest of the month.”
“Oh, God, anything Jimmy, just stop the pain.”
“It’s a deal then?”
“Yes, oh please, God, Jimmy, just make the pain stop. Just make it go away… oh God, please… please… just stop the pain…”
Apollyon
Thanks OTA biggrin.gif You make me happy...

Oh, and I don't think PWM's story is all that bad. It is a bit long, and because it is a novel and not a short story like mine, it doesn't seem to have any plot... yet. But for some reason I just kept reading it, which must mean that there was something about it that I liked. I think what I liked is the... well, for lack of a better word, style. I would say imagery, except for that there doesn't seem to be a lot of that... I like the descriptiveness, and as OTA said, it holds the story together, because so far, its about a man in the reaches of his own mind. If you don't have description, what else is there?

Hopefully that wasn't too long winded...
Apollyon
I've never been a big fan of fan-fiction, but that seems like a pretty good story start thing.... Can't really tell much about what is going to happen since it is just the very beginning though. This story could be anything from sh*t to pure gold, just to short to tell. Keep writing. smile.gif
Apollyon
Heh... I just reread my post, and its a tad confusing... alright, more than a tad... sorry about that. blink.gif
PsychWardMike
It was before your time, but in the beginnings of my account here at the 'zone, I was not a nice person (I'm still not, really...) and as such, I flamed many a poem which I shouldn't have done so harshly. Anyway, it all boils down to a lot of resentful people posted on my story to get back at me, I think.

Or it's very possible they honestly thought that. Either way works.
PsychWardMike
And just for the record, I'm not saying that your story is necessarily bad (I didn't read it in its entirety) b ut I might reccomend staying away from fan fiction. Somehow I often find that it cheapens an otherwise well written piece by stealing someone else's plot, characters, and setting. Pouring your own emotion into a piece often makes a much more original and interesting work.
Apollyon
Wow... three whole people have responded to this... More people must share stories!!!!! meh.... if no one else is going to post... I guess i will... here is an unfinished story that I haven't worked on for a while. Once again, a short story, and it seems rather strange to do it in installments since the plot is rather intricate, but oh well... Here it goes...


I had never liked the creaking of the floors. Now, late at night, I was remembering that vividly. With such a high tech facility, couldn’t we at least get the floors to stop creaking? I guess it was because we didn’t have any extra money. We hardly had enough money for everything as it was. The government didn’t give us nearly enough funding. They assumed that we cold just do everything with our amazing magic. We couldn’t just make money pop out of mid air, and we were starting to feel the pressures of that little dilemma. You’d think that the country would want to spend a little more attention to the only people saving their skins, but you know the government…
I quickly did a mind check to see if anyone else was awake. Just my luck, everyone else on my shift was sound asleep, as I should have been. I could have shown up in someone’s dream, but last time I did that, they woke up screaming, and I had to deal with charges of unauthorized mind probing.
I sighed and looked at the clock. Still two hours before I had to go on clock. Maybe I could find something to think about to get me to sleep. I thought back to my experiences with dating. They were definitely boring enough for me to be lulled to sleep with. I had only dated three girls before, and it always turned out the same. They were nice, and we got along fine, but there was never any chemistry. I was still friends with all of them, because they all still worked for UT. Two of them had found other boyfriends and had really hit it off, and one was happy single. I was starting to think that no one was right for me.
I felt my eyes starting to grow heavy, and I relaxed, finally getting to go to sleep. In what seemed like a second later, I heard my alarm clock blaring excruciatingly loudly. I reached over to turn it off, and discovered that it wasn’t even on. I sat bolt upright and looked at the clock. Still an hour before my shift. It took me a few seconds to realize what the noise was. It was a red alert alarm. We were being invaded.
I jumped out of bed as a psi-com sounded in my head. “All hands report to stations immediately.” My normal station was as an “interrogator”, but that was useless during an invasion. My job during these things was to shepherd a few classes of kids to the bomb shelters, and then to grab a gun and stand guard.
The kids were a hassle during emergencies, and sometimes I wished we could just ship them off to some boarding school. But it was important that we have no link to the outside world, because anything like that would just be a weakness that would constantly be attacked by Ophidian. The UT was so secluded; it was almost like living in a space station, but with gravity.
I hurried down the long corridors that made up United Telepathic headquarters, and I checked in with Sierra, my partner on the way.
“Hey Sierra, do you know what the status is?”
“Not a clue” she thought back immediately. “I’m surprised one of the Clairs didn’t see this coming.” The Clairs stood for clairvoyants, the only ones here that could actually see any glimpses of the future. They usually predicted attacks such as this, but something seemed to have gone wrong this time.
“Maybe the attack was psi or time-shielded. That would probably work.”
“Ya, probably.” She replied. “You should tell Commander Williams about that.”
At that moment, I rounded a corner, and saw Sierra jogging towards me. “I probably should tell him, but I bet he already knows. He seems to know everything these days.” We came around the last corner, and were met with 60 worried looking faces of the 6th year students. “Follow us; we’ll get you to the shelter.” I called out. As neat and orderly as in the drills, the 11 year olds followed Sierra and I down the winding passageways and down the stairs into the catacombs that made up the bomb shelters.
We piled them all inside, then grabbed our weapons. We could have just used pure psychic energy, but it was always better to conserve strength incase something went wrong. For us, the battle was entirely uneventful. Sierra managed to check in with Commander Williams halfway through, but other than that little splurge of information, it was two hours of standing around looking stupid and holding guns.
After what seemed like forever, the sirens stopped blaring, and a psi-com from the General issued the all clear. It had been one of the longer battles. Most psychic battles only lasted about a half hour, with one side being blown away in a few strikes, and the remainder of the time being used to pick up stragglers. But Ophidian was getting stronger, before long, we might not be having these easy victories anymore. The battles could take days… months… years.
I left Sierra to let the kids out and get them back up to their rooms, while I went right to my regular post. If I wasn’t mistaken, there would be at least one person for me to “interview“.
I took the lift up to the fourth floor. The entire building was underground, so that only meant that there was only about 70ft. of rock above me instead of hundreds.
I calmly walked to my station, and relieved Sulley, who had the night shift. Things were still pretty chaotic, so I waited a few minutes as people got settled down. At some point during those first few minutes, Sierra walked in and relieved her double. At last everything was quiet, and Commander Williams started with his debriefing.
He talked for a while, and rambled on as he tended to do, but to put it the easy way, we hadn’t captured very many people, but the few we had captured were very important. There were a couple of Clairs, a high-ranking fighter, and last but most certainly not least, the third in command of the entire Ophidian project, Kana.
As he said the last part, there was a collective gasp. We had never captured anyone that important before. She could be the key to unlocking Ophidian. If things went right, we might be able to launch a strike that would destroy Ophidian forever.
As the commander called out assignments, I could feel the tension of everyone crossing their fingers, hoping to be one of the lucky ones assigned to the highest officer.
“Michaels, you’re on the third Clair!” the commander called.
“Sir, yes sir!” Sierra called back, looking disheartened.
“Gould…” He seemed to hesitate as he said my name. “You’re on Kana.”
“Sir, yes sir!” I said joyfully. I was upset that Sierra wouldn’t be working with me, but this girl would be a challenge, and challenge was what I lived for. The commander finished assigning everyone else duties, and we all got to work. I checked the posting on the main view screen, and saw that the team for Kana was meeting in the computer/viewing room immediately.
I quickly walked over to the meeting place, and saw that Commander Williams and the few others were already in there.
“This is a momentous occasion for us in interrogations. It is the first time we have ever captured anyone so likely to know this much information. Now we will have to start with the assumption that she will be resistant to normal methods of interrogation. Our answer to this problem, is this.” He held up a small glass vial filled with a yellowish liquid. “This is the new “secret serum“. I know the name is horrible, but it really does work. It forces the mind to go back to what it has most tried to hide, and brings all those things up to the surface. Then all we have to do is connect her to the computers, hook up a view screen, and watch. Another added bonus is that she won’t have any immunity to it, because she’s never seen it before.”
If this drug really worked as well as he said, then it would revolutionize our occupation. I could only hope it was expensive to make, because otherwise all of our jobs would be in jeopardy.
I looked through the two way mirror at the girl inside the prison cell. Besides the power limiter attached to her forehead, her face was clear. She couldn’t have been too old, and looked about 18. Only a few years younger than me. She was actually rather pretty, with her fair skin and dark hair, only a few shades more colored than black. She would have been beautiful, but her time in such a stressful environment had given her premature lines engraved in her face, and her hollow cheeks gave her a gaunt, fatigued look.
I glanced down at my computer again, and saw that they had began injecting the serum into her. I had the main view screen for her thoughts, so I quickly broadcast it around the room to every computer station. Her thoughts so far had been fuzzy, muddled by the drugs we had given her upon capture.
I anxiously waited for the drug to take effect, staring avidly at my computer screen. I could feel the tension around me mounting, so thick you could stuff a pillow with it. At last, the blurry shapes rushing across the screen started to focus, gaining brightness and intensity. I switched the screen to hyperview, so that I would hear and see everything she did.
At once a world of color surrounded me. At first, it was still only blurs of light and noise, but it eventually settled down to a single steady stream of information. From the bad quality and the slow speed of the thought, I guessed that this must be a memory. I sat back to enjoy the show.

Charlie looked at me again. “Come on, you’ve got to be kidding me!” He sounded stressed and exasperated. Even more so than usual. “God. Kana, why do you always come to me with all your horrible philosophical life and death questions?”
“Because you always give me answers.” I laughed at the expression on his face. A priceless mix of exasperation and humor.
“Oh come on, this isn’t a laughing matter.”
“You’re right.” I sighed. “But can’t you just help me decide? I’m really confused right now.”
“You do know that you don’t have to pick either of these two organizations. There are other places out there that would be glad to take you in.”
“Well, I don’t really think I could deal with the two biggest psychic organizations heckling me to join them for the rest of my life. Besides, these two places are the most high class. None of that mystical fortune teller mumbo jumbo. All straight business.”
“I guess.” He sighed. “You really shouldn’t be coming to me for stuff like this.”
“Please? You’ve got to help me!”
“But, isn’t this like a decision between good and evil? It’s probably the most important decision you will ever make in your life!”
“Exactly why I want your help! I can’t decide these things on my own!” A moment of silence followed. If Charlie wouldn’t help me, I didn’t know what I’d do.
“Fine. I’ll help you.”
“Oh, thank you thank you THANK YOU!” I launched myself at him and hugged him as tight as I could.
“Ok, ok, that’s enough! Let me breathe!” He laughed as I let go slowly. “The first thing you need to do is organize your thoughts on each one.”
“And how exactly do I do that?”
“I’m getting there just be patient. Write down the names of both the organizations on separate sheets of paper.” I slowly pulled out two sheets of paper, and wrote UT on one, and Ophidian on the other. “Okay.” He said. “Now, think about the UT. What are the good points?”
“Umm… they probably wouldn’t kill employees just because they were getting annoying.” I wrote it down on one side of the UT’s paper. “Oh, and they also get federal funding, so they might have more money to spend on luxuries. They also have the support of, like, everyone in all the other countries, so they have a really strong non psychic army.”
“Anything else?”
“Not considering the ethical issues, which I’m still not sure about, that’s it.”
“Okay, now think of all the bad things about them.”
“Well, Ophidian and everyone else knows where their base is. And they don’t have very good technology because of their underfunding. Oh ya, and the good guys always have a weakness because they don’t want to kill civilians… that’s it.”
“Alright. Now about Ophidian. Good things first.”
“They have a lot of strong psychics in charge, a lot more than the UT. They also give more freedoms to the workers, no strict army discipline. They have a hidden base too. And if I join and they win, then I have a seat of power in the new world order.”
“Okay. Not the way I would look at it, but very interesting. Now think of the bad things.”
“Well… they’re evil… that pretty much says it all.”
“That was simple enough. Now look at the lists. The way you put it, Ophidian only has one bad quality, and a lot of big redeeming qualities. If I were you, I’d go with them.”
“But that’s just it! Being evil… well, it’s horrible! They rule by fear! Even if they win, no one will love them! No one will be happy! I’ll always be hated!”
“Then pick the UT.”
“No. They have to win every battle to keep the world free. If Ophidian wins even one, they’ve completely lost.”
“Pick Ophidian then. You have to choose.”
“Ohhh… I don’t know…” I lay my head down on the table. I felt like crying, but I knew I had to keep my head about this.
“Come on Kana, it’s not that bad.” Charlie put his hand on my shoulder, and its warmth started to comfort me right away. “You don’t have to choose right now. Think about it.”
“No. It’s okay, I’ll choose now. But since I can’t decide by thinking about it, I’ll decide by random chance. Do you have a coin?”
“Umm… you’re kidding right?” He looked at me, eyebrows raised as far as I had ever seen them.
“No. Give me a coin, before I lose my mind.”
“Fine.” He handed it over, but I could see in his eyes that he had been seriously debating it.
The coin felt ice cold in my sweaty palm. I stared at the portrait of a former national leader and he stared back, cool as steel.
“All right.” I said hesitatingly. “Heads is UT, tails is Ophidian.” I felt the solid weight of the quarter pressing against my hand. Slowly, I tossed it into the air. Suddenly I saw it all. The gleaming flash of spinning metal as it fell through the air. The wind currents pushing it around in ever slowing circles. The weight of the molecules gradually slowing it as it began its descent towards the mahogany table top. A reflection deep in the mahogany, of a fearless girl, who even deeper, wasn’t fearless at all. The quarter still endlessly revolved through the air. Time was stopping. The quarter, only inches away from its impending doom was centered, hovering above the table. Which would be my fate? Which of the two paths would I follow for the rest of my life? I closed my eyes, and wished the agony to be over. Just as I had uttered the thought, it was.
The sound of metal clinking on wood. Cold sweat running down my back. My eyes were glued shut, unable to open. With the greatest of efforts, my heavy lids were pried open to look at the horror I had forced on to my life. The coin laid on the table, shining silver on rich chocolate.
Tails.
Moosh
If you are interested in Creative Writing, why not join 4word.tk? A creative writing forum for young people.
Apollyon
Thats cool.

I tried writing a story from all the diff. perspectives once, but never quite like that, where it is pretty much just their thoughts. And I really like the AIM thing! That is so cool! I never would have thought of that! smile.gif
Erin
creative writing...ooo..i love doing creative writings. but they're usually good..UNTIL i add a charectar that is almost exactly like my favorite anime charectar..then it just turns lame after that. i wrote a pass back story with my bestfriend..ill type some of it up later.
Apollyon
Ok... ignoring the fact its a fanfic...

The writing seems somehow very choppy, and the plot elements aren't explained very well. You write as though it is a story everyone should already know, as opposed to a new creation. Add more detail into the story. And also try adding some imagery with a new theme. Such as air or earth, as opposed to fire and blood and darkness.

On the good side... i liked the use of repetition, of the girl he cant remember. And i also like the idea of thoughts eventually coming back over a long period of time.

Keep writing.
Apollyon
No, its fine. Its always a good idea to post your work for others to see. Sorry if my comment seemed a little harsh. unsure.gif All I meant is that maybe you should add more explanations to it. What you already have is good. Keep writing and posting. smile.gif
{Gothic Angel}
*points to Original Writing thread*

Lookit my story. It has semi-fanfic goodness biggrin.gif
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