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I don't do well at night, emotionally, that is. Last night (or rather, early this morning), I was in a depressive haze. I've been having issues with, among other things my Faith and wasn't thinking quite clearly. I walked into the bathroom to wash my makeup off and saw the pencil sharpener I use for my eyeliner pencils lying on the counter. I thought to myself, "There's a screwdriver in the other room. I could easily take the razor blades off of that and cut my wrist."

A lot happened in my mind over the past few moments.

I felt a spiritual shockwave go through my body (long story). The first person to come to my head was Spiffy (though we no longer date, we're still really close). Immediately following was her mom, then Lo, Frog, Mick and Narthie. Suddenly my head was filled with images, some from the family album, others avatars I've stared at for hours on end. I then invisioned Mata at his comp with a devistated look on his face calling Sues over saying something akin to, "You know that guy Righteous? He's dead." I then invisioned Narthie in the arms of her boyfriend crying her eyes our. I then invisioned a pond with multiple pillars in it. A stone was dropped into the middle and the resulting ripples caused more to come off of each pillar. I envisioned my wrist bleeding and Spiffy crying into her hands. It then occured to me that you guys are a lot less judgemental than my biological family. After another swarm of random images, posts and PMs, I snapped back into reality and foundmyself still staring ar the pencil sharpener I use for my eyeliner pencils. I washed my face, turned around, hit the light and went to sleep.

I'm not quite sure what could have happened last night, if anything, but I'm glad it didn't, whatever it was, I'm glad it didn't. I love you guys. Thanks for being my family.
well. your here now arent you. thats allll that matters. biggrin.gif we all love you Ri cool.gif
depressed lonely crazy person
Not meaning to sound generic or anything but things you personally have said have made me feel life was easier and you've stopped me from cutting on several ocasions, you're currently my measure of a slightly older person who's dealing with life. that said allthough obviously I'm not the most stable person around feel free to chat to me if you feel like this and no one else is available I'm happy to listen and try and help however I can.
I'm glad you came out of that episode okay... I would have cried for you. I'm glad I didn't have to.

That said, perhaps you need better coping methods. I know you're suffering from mental diseases and it's understandable, but you need to live for you, not for other people.
As you know, I'm happy to have you here. It was difficult to begin with to stop you arguing with people, but I always felt that you just wanted to be able to talk freely.

I'd like to thank you. I made this place precisely because I wanted to give us a home where we could talk, laugh and cry with each-other. This post is another thing that proves to me that all the effort in the site has been worth it. Yes, there is a commercial side to my site, I need to buy food, pay the rent, blah-di-blah, but what makes running this place worthwhile is not when the rent-cheque clears, I could get an office job to do that with less work, but when I feel like the things that we have all achieved here really do make people's lives happier and more rich with experiences. I say 'we' have achieved because I wouldn't for a second claim that this is just my doing. Everyone on here adds to it, even if occasionally it is through unifiying us by our opposition!

You made the right choice, and I'm proud that we all gave you another reason to do that. The next step is to think 'I could do that, but I don't want to' without thinking of us, then you will have learnt to value yourself as we value you. It's not one of those steps you take all at once, but stick with it and in time one-day you will find yourself there. Remembering back over the way you've grown in the two years you've been here it's easy to see that the path you're walking is going somewhere good. Keep on it. If you stray, don't worry and don't feel bad, just turn back onto it again.
Much love, kid. There'd have been tears here, man. Glad you're chill.
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jun 19 2005, 08:35 PM)
That said, perhaps you need better coping methods. I know you're suffering from mental diseases and it's understandable, but you need to live for you, not for other people.

Missy, I won't tell you again. Stop being right. Stop. Right now.

And it's not just mental diseases plural; it's three plus a nerve problem (which is why I shake all the time).

It was difficult to begin with to stop you arguing with people, but I always felt that you just wanted to be able to talk freely.

You'd be a stubborn, argumentative, ultra-defensive little bitch too if you had a screwed-up brain, got made fun of a lot and bought into the whole "BOys don't cry and guys don't express their feelings" lie at a young age.

In my psych class last semester, my professor described some people as being like tea kettles whose spouts are closed. The pressure, he said, has to be relieved or else the person will explode. What I have to deal with is people, even those I'm close to, saying things that hurt or anger me but I'm, like, mentally unable to say anything. So, option A is out. Option B includes me stomping a hole in someone's gut. Mmkay, no. So I stuff my pain down with the other crap that's been accumulating for sixteen to eighteen years (I started mutilating myself at four; I'm not joking). This is option C which includes things like drinking, cutting, sulking for hours on end, doing drugs, blugeoning the Hell out of my face, smoking half a pack of fags in one sitting and destroying random things.

The next step is to think 'I could do that, but I don't want to' without thinking of us, then you will have learnt to value yourself as we value you.

When I was a kid, my mom had on the wall a picture with the poem "Children Are What They Live." I didn't pay much mind to it until I got into psychology and I read some of Maria Montessori's work (my mom's a teacher). I've grown up with the mentality that I, James "Ri" Douglas, am wortless. I guess you can figure what that does to a young man's self-esteem. I grew up with the mentality of "I may be worthless, but I can do a lot of good for people and that's a reason to live." Honestly, since Tragick's emerging and my wrestling under Coach E, I've been able to become more self-serving. I still measure my worth as a person by what I do for others and it still pisses me off.

Imagine being a screwed-up fifteen-year-old at the genesis of his Faith in God (no pun intended). Imagine hating yourself with such a passion that you would stay up until four in the morning crying your eyes out repeating to yourself over and over "For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son so that ANY who believe in him shall die, but have everlasting life." The reason you repeat that to yourself over and over for hours on end because you can't believe that any being, let alone the creator of the universe, would love you to any extent. Whenever I talk about having an issue with my Faith, it's a variation of that.

Mata, I've said it before and meant it each time, without this place, I'd be dead, institutionalized or in prison.

And I didn't mean to think about you guys in the manner I did. I'm glad I did, but I made it out to be different than it was. It was like, BAM! Spiffy. BAM! Ms. Sandy. BAM! LoLo. BAM! Froggy. BAM! Mike. BAM! Narthie. BAMSaucyTaraBAMSilverStarAngelBAMMissyBAMMataBAMErinBAMJonmanBAMCommieBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM! Avatar, avatar, avatar, avatar, avatar, avatar. "Hey, Sues. Come here..." "Steph, what's wrong?" Pond with pillars. Pebble. Drop. Ripple. Bloody wrist. Spiffy crying her gray eyes out. Holy Hell, the guys from Matazone would take this way better than anyone in my family. West Coast Mata Meet, Favorite Lyrics, British English vs. American English, Word Association, Issues Forum, Daft, Matazone Family Album, "Happy Birthday, Ri," "Please learn to spell my name right," "Is is okay if I call you J-man?" affirmative action, abortion, "Righteous looks like my exboyfriend in that picture," Okay, why am I still staring at my pincil sharpener?

Okay, that was a dramatisation, but you get the idea. Stuff like that happens a lot in my head. Imagine what happens when I get creative.

Now, before I babble even worse, I've to get some sleep. I love you guys. I will now pass out on my couch watching Label Kills.
This place would definitely NOT be the same without you.

Thank God you chose to put the pencil sharpener down.
i agree with everyone. Thats y i shall post AGAIN. Ri, we all love you so much. You are a good person in every way, you seem very intelligent, you've helped several of us, and we need you here. Things just wouldnt be right without you. I'm sure you hear all this alot, but we only say it because its true. personally, you've helped me get out a lot of anger by just chatting around with me about things. And i thank you. please dont hurt yourself.
What's scary is how screwed up my brain is. Dig this: I have to take three kinds of medication just to keep my brain functional. I woke up sick this morning and vomited up my meds. Later, I found out I may be SOL on a ride to see My Own Sin. I lost my temper and it wasn't good. It's really scary.

I was thinking about you guys a lot today. It's funny how much reminds me of Matazone. NIN and all things Cali make me think of LoLo. I saw Ghost in the Shell 2 at the video store and thought of Mata. Natural foods make me think of Erin. Electrical tape and power tools make me think of Saucy Tara (even while I'm working). The list goes on.
Quoth(The Raven)
Everyone has said it so eloquently, I'm afraid That if I tried to say anything on the subject, it would come out as the usual Psycho babble I tend to spout at times like these... (It's an ocupational hazard if you're emotionally challenged, and been through as much therapy as I have...). But we all have dark times when we wrestle with our demons, and manage a victory by the skin of our teeth. Count this incident as a victory. We all do, 'cause we'd definitely miss you...
Little Green Goth
All I have to say is this: Ri, it was because of you that I came back to the forum time and time again. I've been watching your post and stuff and i'm pretty sure that if it wasn't for you, I'd not be a live today.
It's weird meaning this much to people and finding I've made an impact without trying.

Hmm. What would Tragick say?


"Life, as I've said before, is one big circus of sadness. Some of us want to be the liontamer or the tightrope walker or even the ringmaster. In truth, all wa are are clowns waiting for our time in the spotlight. But when we are in the spotlight, it isn't our job to entertain. Just be you. If you want to sing, sing for you. If you want to love and be silly, go for it. You'd be surpised whom you end up reaching without even meaning to.

And even if people do jeer you for being you, don't worry about them. Just be the clown that you are. If they don't like it, then they don't deserve your time. Don't take what they say to heart and remember that God and plenty of people out there love you."

It's funny how the logical part of me is a clown.
Quoth(The Raven)
Well, we all have an authentic self - an inner identity that is often masked by the face we show to the world. I can think of worse identities than that of a clown who tells it like it is... Very few people are privaleged enough to have 'met' their inner self. Most go through life without knowing who they really are. You are indeed fortunate.

Me? My inner self is a mischievious little blonde girl. I've caught glimpses of her from time to time, and I'm giving her more play time, these days. What I find interesting is that the image I have of her in my mind looks nothing like my physical self...

Knowing yourself is the beginning of liking yourself...
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
That's really scary, but I'm so glad that you are alright! *hugs*
The Lorax
I watch a lot of your posts, too, Ri--they usually get me to think, and usually I stay up into the early morning thinking about different points of something you've brought up.(depending on the case.)

The forums would really lack without you being here.

Glad to be a small part of your family, dear. smile.gif
For some reason, I thought it would be really funny to click in and see someone post, "Sorry, Ri, but I think you're a loser."
Very slim chance of that one happening I reckon, whether people think they like you or not m'dear they have to respect your resiliance and strength of beliefs.

Personally I find your posts have helped me set straight things that get me all twisted about on occaision whether it be my faith or general other 'stuff'. You bring a smile and a good dose of 'get your arse in gear and face the world, running is not an option just yet'.
It's probably different for everyone of us here but the end results the same you are greatly appreciated and cared for.

Glad you're here matey.
sorry ri, i think your a loser...

but really... im happy you didnt... for reasons ill talk to you about probibly tonight. love
I'm new here, but I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. I've read some of your older and newer posts and gotten a lot of fun stuff to think about. One of your posts kept me up till two in the morning thinking and I couldn't sleep. I can't rememebr which one it was now, but I know that gave me some very interesting thing to have a mental wrestling match with. Anyway, glad you're here and glad to listen if you post.
[/moderately confused babbling]
I honestly doubt anything would have happened. It was more of a reminder that I have folks who love and care about me, even if only online.
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