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tv with legs
please tell me what you think of the poem

i see the knife,
i reach for it
thinking my life
is miserable, i see
no hope, no help,
no light. i trie to
put the knife back,
but i cant,
i know im right.
i put the knife to my
neck. with a swift flick
of my wrist, the light fades.
my suffering is gone.
i smile under my pain,
for i can now be happy.
the light grows dim, the world
is black, spinning my head.
life, was a reality my mind
could not handle
CommieBastard
I
think you're
putting
in too many
line breaks
under
the illusion
that they're
necessary
for
good
poetry.
little_bear
QUOTE (tv with legs @ Jul 11 2005, 03:39 PM)
please tell me what you think of the poem

i see the knife,
i reach for it
thinking my life
is miserable, i see
no hope, no help,
no light. i trie to
put the knife back,
but i cant,
i know im right.
i put the knife to my
neck. with a swift flick
of my wrist, the light fades.
my suffering is gone.
i smile under my pain,
for i can now be happy.
the light grows dim, the world
is black, spinning my head.
life, was a reality my mind
could not handle
*


My, you're a cheery l'il fella ain't ya?

*tickles chin*

Bless 'im.
tv with legs
hunh? anyways, im still working on it, and i know the lines were too short, but its a progress,
Apollyon
Try making your poem more original. Try a happy ending or something not thoroughly depressing. You may think that happy poems are too unrealistic and ordinary, but in these days it's difficult to find poetry that isn't gloomy and dark and completely the same as 3000 other poems.

Keep working on it, and you'll be great. smile.gif
tv with legs
what do you meen that all poems are gloomy and dark? i just dont like happy things, and im not just trying to "fit in" if thats what you meen. if you think alot of poems are gloomy and dark, then you should of bought the poem book i got from a group of kids at my area. but dont take it the wrong way tho, i know what you meen. i do guess you are right tho.
PsychWardMike
Like an obsidian moon
so soon
my soul
is like a hole
or an empty bowl
but not like a mole
except that it is blind
other similarities you will not find
between my soul and a mole
except that it is black
deep black
and dark
and comes out at night
and digs up lawns.
PsychWardMike
Anyway, my review:

I don't like it. There's no real poetry in it - no rhyme, no rhythm, no devices. Say all you want that poetry is what the author says it is and doesn't need such frivolities, but I say that that's like saying soup doesn't need broth to be soup; it is what the chef says it is.

Added to that we have the standard teen angst. I've been trying to stop harping on subject matter - anything written well should be commendable, but this just reiterates that teenagers are rarely good poets. So anyway, teen angst. The dark stuff started and ended with Poe, was born and died again with that shotgun blast to Kurt Cobain's head. Let's try cheering up, okay emo kid? We teens don't really need anymore flack from the adults than we have.

Commie's right about the random taps of the enter key. Return + prose =/= poetry. Same goes for punctuation and capitalization.

And for my last point, you spelled 'unbearable' incorrectly. It seems you should care enough about your work to runa quick spellcheck.

Disagree? That's fine. I invite you to take a look at my poetry - not as me saying "ha ha I'm better than you" but so that you can respond to it. Tear it to shreds if you like. It's all good as long as you give me some feedback. Here you go.
tv with legs
i know im not a very good poet, but enh. i lke writing poetry. poems dont nescarrily have to rhyme. i dont really care for ryming poems anyways. and yes, i know it is bad. this was something i made up, did a few adjustments, and posted it too see what needed to be done with it. i dont really care for good spelling. i do that with the very last copy. this was a rough draft.
Mata
Being a good poet, like pretty much everything in life, takes work. Keep going, then bung the best ones on here and ask for feedback. As you've seen, people are quite open about what they think! It's a great way to challenge yourself.

If you want a bit of inspiration, try reading Christbel, I think it was by Keats, or The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, by Coleridge. They're definitely dark and speak of deep lonliness, but they do so without sounding like everyother gothic poem ever written. I think the key is actually describing what's happening, rather than putting words to emotions. When you try to describe feelings you will always find yourself up against the limitations of verbal communication. To put it another way, compare this:

Sitting in the moorland,
Watching the fire,
And seeing it slowly burn itself out.
The damp ground reclaims the chill of the air.

to this:

I am all alone,
My soul is like the dying embers of a fire,
Should I rekindle it,
Or let it dwindle into the night?

Okay, the first one was off the top of my head, but I got a repetition of the 's' noise into the third line, suggesting the hissing of the embers as they encounter the damp earth. Not great peotry, but still fairly evocative of a moment. The second says pretty much the same thing but lacks any visual clarity to its metaphor, leaving the reader neither stimulated emotionally nor really caring to investigate further.

Giving people a physical situation to relate to allows them to feel the emotion being discussed more clearly. Sometimes ambiguity can be far more evocative of an emotion than any amount of direct statements. Give it a try!
PsychWardMike
Please take a look at my signature. I'm not out to offend. I'm not out to hurt. I believe that people post their poetry for criticism and as the rule has already been laid down, there was no request for no critique. I'm trying to help. That's all.
tv with legs
I know, I know.
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