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torn love notes
She is like the morning wind that comforts me when I am down. She is my evening, my night, and my day. She is everything I have ever dreamed of. Everytime I think of her I tremble, I am brought to my knees to cry. She is my most beloved, the one always on my mind. I will always see her, I will never see her. She is a divine rose, Beautiful in every way. I will always love her. She will never love me. She is the only one that doesn't know, the one that cannot know. As I am waiting here aimlessly, I wonder. Do I love her? Do I even like her? Or is she just a hope meant to be lost? I will never know if she loves me, for if she finds the truth of my heart's desire she will view me with different eyes, eyes of hatrid and disgust. That is why i will always love her. Love her?
tv with legs
its a pretty good poem, keep workin on it.
little_bear
I'm no poet, but this is prose, not a poem. As such, I can't say it's a very good poem. As a peice of prose, it needs more variation, more imagination. It's all very much simple sentences and comes across as rather stunted and harsh. If it's a peice of prose about love, it should flow. Try using some other imagery too. Roses are just sooo cliché darling.

*awaits Mike's entry with Brain of Poetry Knowledge +56*
PsychWardMike
The problem inherent is, as little bear said earlier, it is prose. His points are pretty much spot on for prose... the sentence structure is too simplistic. I appreciate that there is some use of poetic devices (simile, metaphor, etc.) but every instance it's another clichè. It's all too... teenage for its own good. It angsts as much poetry tends to do and it's boring.

From a purely structural standpoint, I have to wonder if you were shooting for prose or poetry (though either way it does read as prose) and I do at least appreciate the lack of unnecessary enter interjections, but... stanzas and other such nicities are appreciated and help the reader visualize rhythm.

That said, there really isn't rhyme or rhythm. Issue. Poetry really needs rhythm to make flow.

And lastly: there needs to be something more than "She is..." "I am..." it detracts from everything, makes it boring, and makes it cliche.

Keep writing and refine yourself.

Disagree? That's fine. I invite you to take a look at my poetry - not as me saying "ha ha I'm better than you" but so that you can respond to it. Tear it to shreds if you like. It's all good as long as you give me some feedback. Here you go.
torn love notes
Thanks for your posts, I just started writing. I was going for poetry, but viewing it from your stand point it is all too much prose. I will take your opinions into my writing. I am always glad to take advise from those poets of greater skill level than I.
tv with legs
ok then, your poetry lacks true emotoin. laugh.gif roflmao
little_bear
QUOTE (tv with legs @ Jul 13 2005, 10:29 PM)
ok then, your poetry lacks true emotoin. laugh.gif roflmao
*

LOLZ!
Mata
QUOTE (tv with legs @ Jul 13 2005, 09:29 PM)
ok then, your poetry lacks true emotoin. laugh.gif roflmao
*

Constructive criticism only in the Creations forum please.
torn love notes
Thanks Mata biggrin.gif
tv with legs
you know, i was just being funny, you nkow, joking around. i found it funny dry.gif
torn love notes
ya i guess it is funny tongue.gif
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