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tv with legs
im walking down the streets,
holding hand with a person i,
for some reason, dont reconize.
i feel happy, safe and secure.
i fell young, like a youth.a second
person, i cannot see, but i know it's
there, it's beside me. i feel happy.
then theres a flash of light.
my visoin is gone. my warmth
and happieness is replaced with
coldness and loss.my visoin is
then restored. everything has lost
its color,replaced with gray. i look
around, i see a color. its a flower.
a very buetyful flower indeed.
then to my surprize, the color is
restored.i realize this must be
heavan. everybody comes back.
i am bought back to my senses
when the flower i was holding
was grabbed out of my hand,
i look to see that it was the person
i was holding hands with, this time i
reconized as my mother. then another
grabs my hand. i soon realize that
he is my father.together, we continue
walking down the street.


please tell me what you think of my poem. btw, its a rough draft. and please dont mind the spelling. and please dont be to harsh
torn love notes
The poem is good,but you use a lot of commas either in the wrong place or they are unnesacary.Keep writing. wink.gif
ravein
Since you two are both from Texas maybe you should get together and work on your poetry together. Have a little work shop for each other.
tv with legs
that doesnt really tell me what you think of my poem, and, i have no damn idea where TNL lives.
ravein
Wow, that was a touchy reply for a simple suggestion.

As for your poetry, I like your ambition. However I suggest you take some time to study the subject more. There are several resources on the web that are useful for this. Try http://www.poetrymagic.co.uk/approaches.html

You have good visualization skills you just need to work on your packaging and technique.
tv with legs
what, how is it touchy, all i said was, :i have no damn idea where TNL lives: how is that touchy?

thanks for the tips
little_bear
QUOTE (tv with legs @ Jul 16 2005, 04:35 AM)
what, how is it touchy, all i said was, :i have no damn idea where TNL lives: how is that touchy?

thanks for the tips
*


That was the part ravein was refering to. It made you sound an asshat. Just so you know.
PsychWardMike
A point often iterated by Mata. Swears invoke emotion. Be it your intention or not, using strong emotion conveys the speaker's intended strength.

As for the poem, it's too blatant. It reads like prose with random interjections of the return key. There's still a lack of poetic devices which really make a poem a poem and I really must comment on the lack of rhyme or rhythm. A poem needs rhythm whereas rhyme is optional. Rhythm and flow are two of the the defining factors of poetry as opposed to prose. Apart from that, it feels awkward. Your word choice and order make it hard to read.

Keep writing. Refine.
ravein
QUOTE (PsychWardMike @ Jul 17 2005, 12:48 AM)
A point often iterated by Mata.  Swears invoke emotion.  Be it your intention or not, using strong emotion conveys the speaker's intended strength.
*


Exactly, on the Internet one only has font and word choice to judge intention by. Curse words invoke a feeling of emotion that can be interpreted as aggressive. There is a difference in saying, "I have no idea where she lives" and "I have no damn idea where she lives".
torn love notes
That's true too.
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