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mc joe
tell me the best jokes EVER i always forget them when its comes to telling my mates so give me one i wont forget!! please
Mittens322
For one, I thank you, I was wanting to make a topic like this, but if I made another topic, everybody would get mad at me (everybody hates the kitten.)
OK, here's a good one: A priest, a teacher and an army guy were on a plane. The pilot said that if we didn't get rid of three things, we would crash and die. The priest threw out a bible, the teacher threw an apple, and the army guy threw a gernade. Some dude was walking along on the ground and saw a kid crying. "What's wrong, kid?" "A bible just hit me in the head!" He walked further and saw a guy holding his belly. "Belly ache?" "No, an apple just flew down and hit me in the gut." He walked further and saw a guy who was dying of laughter. "What's up?" "I farted and the house behind me blew up."
Quoth(The Raven)
An airplane was struggling over a mountain range. Finally, a man came back, and identified himself as the steward.

"We're going down!" he cried out, "Unless we can lose the equivalent of three people, we're going to crash! Really bad news? we've jettisoned everything we can, and there are no parachutes! Three of us must make the ultimate sacrifice, so everyone else may live! Tell my wife I love her!"

with that, he jumped to his death. The plane rose a bit.

A nun stood up. "All for you, Jesus!", she cried, then jumped.

The plane rose some more.

several minutes passed, with no one else volunteering. Finally, a man who'd earlier identified himself as a Texan, stood up. "Remember the Alamo!" he cried.

and threw out a mexican...
Daria
A penguin is driving about on a nice sunny day in his car, when all of a sudden it starts making some funny noises. So he goes to the nearest garage, and the mechanic says "Alright mate, I'll have is sorted in half an hour".
So the penguin goes off into town for half an hour, and because it is a nice sunny day, he buys himself an ice-cream.
But as penguins don't have thumbs, he found holding the ice-cream a bit difficult and as a result he ended up with his whole face covered in it. He looks at his watch and realises he hasn't got enough time to clean himself up before going back, so he leaves the mess on his face. When he gets back to the garage, the mechanic comes out and says "Well, looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the penguin replies:
"Oh no, I just had an ice-cream"

That joke made me chuckle. Especialy when my 7 year old brother repeated it to my granma... biggrin.gif
uninspired pizza guy
A pirate walks into a bar with a steeringwheel sticking out of his pants. The barman, rather shocked, asked the pirate "Why do you have a steeringwheel sticking out of your pants?" To which the pirate replied "Arg, its drivin' me nuts"

Im Known as the clown at work beacause when i started, i told jokes for 4 days strait!
Quoth(The Raven)
An English gentleman finds himself in the park, on a bench with a brooklynite.

New yorker: Ah, Just listen to dem boids!

Gentleman: My good man, those are not 'Boids', they are birds!

New Yorker: Well, dey soitenly choips like Boids...
Daria
QUOTE (uninspired pizza guy @ Sep 13 2005, 02:34 AM)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steeringwheel sticking out of his pants. The barman, rather shocked, asked the pirate "Why do you have a steeringwheel sticking out of your pants?" To which the pirate replied "Arg, its drivin' me nuts"

Im Known as the clown at work beacause when i started, i told jokes for 4 days strait!
*

heheheheheh biggrin.gif

I will have to re-tell that one!
symphony
QUOTE (Quoth(The Raven) @ Sep 10 2005, 02:49 AM)
An airplane was struggling over a mountain range.  Finally, a man came back, and identified himself as the steward.

"We're going down!" he cried out, "Unless we can lose the equivalent of three people, we're going to crash!  Really bad news? we've jettisoned everything we can, and there are no parachutes!  Three of us must make the ultimate sacrifice, so everyone else may live!  Tell my wife I love her!"

with that, he jumped to his death.  The plane rose a bit.

A nun stood up.  "All for you, Jesus!", she cried, then jumped.

The plane rose some more.

several minutes passed, with no one else volunteering.  Finally, a man who'd earlier identified himself as a Texan, stood up.  "Remember the Alamo!" he cried.

and threw out a mexican...
*


That is so funny! I read that during class and I almost laughed aloud in class! O_o I kinda feel bad for the mexican tho...V_V;
bryden42
In thoroughly non pc mode!

an Englishman, an Irishman and an American are standing on top of a cliff, The American turns to the other 2 and says
"I bet i can walk off the edge of this cliff, walk 20 feet out, pirhouette, and walk back"

The Irishman, taking the bait, says
"I'll take that bet, £20 says you can't"

the American walks to the edge, walks 20 feet out, does a pirouhette and walks back to the safety of the cliff.

the Irishman, in amazement hands over the tweny and asks
"how in the name of god did you manage that?"

The American replies
"It's a magic cliff, anyone can do it"

"really?"
replies the Irishman and runs for the edge leaping off and plumetting to his death.

The Englishman turns to the American and says
"You can be a right b*****d sometimes, Superman"
Daria
Ahhh.. The superman jokes... I will have to dig out my book of E-Tales to find the rest biggrin.gif
little_bear
QUOTE (Mittens322 @ Sep 10 2005, 12:55 AM)
For one, I thank you, I was wanting to make a topic like this, but if I made another topic, everybody would get mad at me (everybody hates the kitten.)
  OK, here's a good one: A priest, a teacher and an army guy were on a plane. The pilot said that if we didn't get rid of three things, we would crash and die. The priest threw out a bible, the teacher threw an apple, and the army guy threw a gernade. Some dude was walking along on the ground and saw a kid crying. "What's wrong, kid?" "A bible just hit me in the head!" He walked further and saw a guy holding his belly. "Belly ache?" "No, an apple just flew down and hit me in the gut." He walked further and saw a guy who was dying of laughter. "What's up?" "I farted and the house behind me blew up."
*

I think part of me just died.
Mittens322
I have had three girlfriends so far.
The first one died of mushroom poisoning.
The second one also died of mushroom poisoning.
The third died of a broken neck.
Why?
She wouldn't eat her friggin' mushrooms.
Mata
Here's an obscure one for you:

A homeopathist forgot to take his medicine. He died of an overdose.
uninspired pizza guy
Thats quite strange indeed.

What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants.

What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he didn't recognise them

What did Jane say when he say the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the grapes. (she was colour blind)

Ill save the rest of my elephant jokes for another post.
Greeneyes
A pig walked into a bar, and a woman said to the barman, "I don't like pigs very much".

...so I have an odd sense of humour. Also:

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

<3 DI.
uninspired pizza guy
Three men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Great big holes around Australia.

Whats the difference between a bad shooter and a constipated owl?
One shoots but cant hit...

Why did freddy fall off his bike?
Beacause freddy was a fish.
Moosh
IRC guy #1: Man, I love making fun of the Amish online.
IRC guy #2: Why?
IRC guy #1: Becuse they'll never find out.
uninspired pizza guy
Scenario after a mans son took the family car out for a drive.

Son: Hey dad, theres water in the carburettor.
Father: OK, ill go and have a look at it. Where is the car now?
Son: In the lake.

Well i thought it was funny
oscarhilton
A really really really bad joke:

why does dracula take when he's ill? coffin drops

i know i know. Its really bad.
uninspired pizza guy
Im so tempted to put down my super lame jokes now but i wont.

A woman has gone into the dentist for the first time and she's very nervous. The doctor can see this so he tries to make her laugh. 'Do you know how these rubber gloves are made?' he says to the woman. She replies 'no' so he says 'Well over in asia they have a big factory full of rubber, then all the little workers there put there hands in the rubber, let it dry and they peel it off to make a glove.' The woman obviously didnt find this amusing. So the dentist began to prep when she suddenly burst out in fits if laughter so the dentist asks 'whats so funny?' To which the woman replied "I just thought of how they made condoms!"
symphony

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."



I found this on http://jokes.comedycentral.com/ . Well...I thought it was amusing. rolleyes.gif
Faerieryn
I know plenty of jokes but most of them are about dead babies and can be quite disgusting. I will post one. If it offends people I'm sorry and I will never post another one. If people wish to hear more I will post them.

How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby


See I told you they were sick
uninspired pizza guy
Ha, havn't heard that one, but i also know a few baby ones.

yo mamma's so fat, she uses two geryhound coaches for rollerblades.

yo mamma's so fat, she has to take poster-polariods.

yo mamma's so fat, her crabs drive dune buggies'

That last one i got from the end of a CD.
{Gothic Angel}
Define perfect pitch.
The angle required to get the viola player into the skip without touching the sides.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

</music geekness>

*Loves random/obscure jokes but can never remember them* I also have far too many math and science jokes, but band geeks are more acceptable than science geeks tongue.gif Also I can't make the fricken' superscript work >.<
JimiJimi
How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.
Usurper MrTeapot
What sound do you hear when you throw an accordian off of a cliff?




Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
CommieBastard
So Jesus is out preaching, right? And he sees a group of people about to stone a young woman to death for adultery. Stopping them, he declares, "Let any of you who is without sin cast the first stone." A silence reigns over the mob, until an old woman towards the back throws a stone at the woman and hits her on the head. Jesus sighs. "You can be a right pain in the arse sometimes, Mum."
Moosh
I heard a good one today:

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
uninspired pizza guy
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.
MrRandomQuotes
3 nuns are on their way to visit rome. The car they've rented suddenly looses control and sends them flying over a cliff and to their death.

The next thing they know they're standing at the gates of heaven with st peter in front of them. He walks over ot the nuns looking a bit sheepish.

"look i know you've all been tod that if you live a life free of sin you get to go to heaven. But we've got a bit of a problem with overcrowding so i'm going to have to ask you all a question first. If you get it right you can go in, but if you get it wrong you'll be stuck on the waiting list."

The nuns are a bit shocked by this but they all agree. So st peter looks at the first nun and asks "how many deciples did Jesus have?"

"thats easy" goes the nun "12"

"ok you can go in" says st peter and unlocks the gates to let her pass. He then turns to the next nun and asks "for how many days did it rain when noah took to the ark?"

The second nun thinks then replies "40"

St peter smiles and stands aside to let the nun pass into heaven.

The final nun walks up to st peter to get her question.

"Ok so whats my question then, this shouldnt be a problem"

"Well seeing as your so confident here's one for you" st peter goes on "what were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

The nun sits for a while, trying desperately to remember. Finally she goes to st peter to ask forgiveness. "thats a hard on" she says "I'm sor..."

"well done, in you go"
uninspired pizza guy
New York Crazy Laws

*The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
*Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as abusiness.
*A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
Daria
A man walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.

The barman goes "that'll be 80p"


biggrin.gif
Calantyr
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
{Gothic Angel}
How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?

2... no, 4... no wait, 8, no 16! Ahh!

Courtesy of Bill Bailey biggrin.gif
uninspired pizza guy
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and Iíll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
uninspired pizza guy
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
uninspired pizza guy
The shortest story on earth.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me? " The girl
said,
"NO! " And the guy went to Bathurst, Phillip Island and the Indy cars,
played up a lot, drank beer whenever he wanted and lived happily ever
after .

THE END
Jatopian
A follow-up to the crazy laws post: In the state of Maine it is illegal to bathe in private. Obviously an unenforced law, but it is on the books...
uninspired pizza guy
A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains. She says to the clerk, "I would like curtains the size of my computer screen. The clerk says, "Why the size of you computer screen?" The woman replies, "Because I've got windows!"
Usurper MrTeapot
What would Marilyn Monrow be doing if she were alive right now?



Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

I <3 Fight Club biggrin.gif
Mata
QUOTE (Daria @ Oct 6 2005, 06:46 PM)
A man walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.

The barman goes "that'll be 80p"


biggrin.gif
*

You know a joke is obscure when you have to go onto Wikipedia to get the punchline!


QUOTE (Jatopian @ Oct 12 2005, 11:28 PM)
A follow-up to the crazy laws post: In the state of Maine it is illegal to bathe in private. Obviously an unenforced law, but it is on the books...
*

Technically impossible to enforce, because once you've got an officer there it's no longer private bathing... Probably. I'm guessing this is an old Puritan law against people getting 'happy' by themselves in the bathtub?
Star_of_Lei
A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are at the bottom of the stairway to heaven. They are told that on each step of the 100, there is a joke, to get to heaven they must not laugh. The brunette gets to step 47 and laughs. The red-head gets to 63 and laughs. The blonde gets right infront of St Peter and laughs. St Peter asks her why she laughed. She had just gotten joke number one.

Sorry if joke causes offence to blondes. In my defence the friend that told me this is a natural blonde and is ntelligent, I just thought it was a funny joke, heck, I'm a natural blonde (I've dyed my hair so many times I'd kinda forgotten).
little_bear
QUOTE (Star_of_Lei @ Oct 16 2005, 05:52 PM)
A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are at the bottom of the stairway to heaven. They are told that on each step of the 100, there is a joke, to get to heaven they must not laugh. The brunette gets to step 47 and laughs. The red-head gets to 63 and laughs. The blonde gets right infront of St Peter and laughs. St Peter asks her why she laughed. She had just gotten joke number one.

Sorry if joke causes offecne to blondes, but the friend that told me this is a natural blonde.
*

Could you please retract that joke; I have a very dear friend who is blonde and if she were to see that 'joke' she would most likely be very very upset.

I have a joke of my own:

Two atoms are happily zooming along when one says to the other:

"I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
Star_of_Lei
QUOTE (little_bear @ Oct 16 2005, 06:43 PM)
QUOTE (Star_of_Lei @ Oct 16 2005, 05:52 PM)
A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are at the bottom of the stairway to heaven. They are told that on each step of the 100, there is a joke, to get to heaven they must not laugh. The brunette gets to step 47 and laughs. The red-head gets to 63 and laughs. The blonde gets right infront of St Peter and laughs. St Peter asks her why she laughed. She had just gotten joke number one.

Sorry if joke causes offecne to blondes, but the friend that told me this is a natural blonde.
*

Could you please retract that joke; I have a very dear friend who is blonde and if she were to see that 'joke' she would most likely be very very upset.

I have a joke of my own:

Two atoms are happily zooming along when one says to the other:

"I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
*



I did say I meant no offence, and there's another blonde joke further up. Anyways....

A coach full of football supports go to watch their team play a match. They win, so needless to say the fans get entirely drunk. They steal the world's smartest monkey. On the way home the coach crashes and everyone dies except this monkey. The police take the monkey into questioning.
Policeman: Monkey, can you tell us what the men were doing at the time of the accident?
The monkey nods and starts doing something that looks remarkably like dancing.
Policeman: Dancing? Blimey, anything else?
Monkey picks up the glass of water infront of him and starts drinking, he then takes the policeman's water and does the same.
Policeman: Drinking? Anything else monkey?
Monkey immitates shuffling cards, dealing them, and then collects chips.
Policeman: Gambling? Just as we thought. So anything else?
Monkey looks at them, foot in mouth, and shakes head.
Policeman: What were YOU doing monkey.
Monkey clearly starts driving.
little_bear
QUOTE (Star_of_Lei @ Oct 16 2005, 07:13 PM)
I did say I meant no offence, and there's another blonde joke further up. Anyways....
*

So you think that excuses it? I do not expect such blatant prejudgiced behaviour from members of this forum. Think of how much that could hurt someone with blonde hair, why don't you.
voices_in_my_head
Star of Lei,as usual, Little Bear was being sarcastic.


Three old women, Ethel, Merideth, and Betsy, were sitting on a park bench when a male flasher came up and opened his trenchcoat. Ethel and Merideth had a stroke, but Betsy was so old and fragile that she couldn't have a stroke.
Astarael
He's gone over to some form of fake nice sarcasm. I think he's trying to mock some the more overemotional newbies and make the point that he's far more interesting. Or something to that effect.
little_bear
QUOTE (voices_in_my_head @ Oct 16 2005, 08:48 PM)
Star of Lei,as usual, Little Bear was being sarcastic.
*


QUOTE (Astarael @ Oct 16 2005, 08:52 PM)
He's gone over to some form of fake nice sarcasm. I think he's trying to mock some the more overemotional newbies and make the point that he's far more interesting. Or something to that effect.
*

Hey! Here's an idea. Why don't you, like, stop reading into things to the nth degree, and just take things at face value.

*shock*

That was sarcasm, by the way.
uninspired pizza guy
US Ship: - (at night)"Move out of my way"
Canadian ship: -"No. We cant"
US ship: - "Ours is an important big ship with attacking equipments"
Canadian ship: -"We are a light house on a small island. We cannot move"
Astarael
QUOTE (little_bear @ Oct 16 2005, 03:54 PM)
QUOTE (voices_in_my_head @ Oct 16 2005, 08:48 PM)
Star of Lei,as usual, Little Bear was being sarcastic.
*


QUOTE (Astarael @ Oct 16 2005, 08:52 PM)
He's gone over to some form of fake nice sarcasm. I think he's trying to mock some the more overemotional newbies and make the point that he's far more interesting. Or something to that effect.
*

Hey! Here's an idea. Why don't you, like, stop reading into things to the nth degree, and just take things at face value.

*shock*

That was sarcasm, by the way.
*


If you're acting normal instead of like an obnoxious parody of a touchy-feely noob, I'll stop reading into things. You're less annoying when you're acting normal, ironically, even given the pissy rudeness.
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