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Mata
LB has been suspended for 30 days for persistently taking the piss and starting arguments.

Two naff jokes from many years ago:

If you make a red house with red bricks and a blue house with blue bricks, what do you make a green house with?

What do you put in a toaster?
Astarael
Green bricks. Bread to be toasted. What on earth does "naff" mean? I keep running across British slang I don't know. huh.gif
Physics/chemistry joke: Heisenberg is driving down the highway and he gets pulled over by a policeman. The policeman says, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am." Search Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle if you don't get it.
Other than pissing me off (which is my ground mood anyway tongue.gif ) what has little_bear done now?
voices_in_my_head
QUOTE (Mata @ Oct 16 2005, 09:09 PM)
What do you put in a toaster?
*

I fell for that one three times before I finally started remembering the answer.

A man is introduced to a pirate and he says "I really hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you get that hook on your hand?"
The pirate says "Arr... One day, we were taking over another ship, and we didn't know that they had swords. As I put my hand on the side of their ship, one of them cut my hand clean off."
The man shudderd and said "Oh, that's horrible! If you don't mind me asking again, how did you get that patch over your eye?"
"Arrr" said the pirate "One day, I was looking up at the sky, to see if the weather was clear, and a seagull came and pooped right in my eye"
The man looks confused for a moment and then said "Seagull poop took out your eye?"
The pirate laughs and says "No, first day with the hook."
Mata
QUOTE (Astarael @ Oct 17 2005, 02:18 AM)
What on earth does "naff" mean?
*

'Slightly rubbish' would probably be a fair translation.

Does getting the Heisenberg joke make me a bit sad? unsure.gif
Ashbless
QUOTE (voices_in_my_head @ Oct 16 2005, 12:48 PM)
Three old women, Ethel, Merideth, and Betsy, were sitting on a park bench when a male flasher came up and opened his trenchcoat. Ethel and Merideth had a stroke, but Betsy was so old and fragile that she couldn't have a stroke.
*


Heard the same joke with a slightly different version of the punchline. Ethel and Merideth had a stroke but Betsy couldn't quite reach.

A wife asks her husband, both elderly, if he'd like some breakfast. She tells him she'd gladly make him pancakes, bacon and coffee. He refuses politely saying that with the viagra he's taking he just isn't hungry.
Later that day she asks if he'd like some lunch. She says she could make chicken noodle soup with toasted cheese sandwiches. Again the husband replies that with his medication he just isn't hungry.
Around 6pm she asks if she could get him his dinner. Roast beef, two veg, and a slice of his favourite pie for after. He refuses a third time. Again he says he's just not hungry.
She says to him "Well would you let me up then. I'm starving."
Star_of_Lei
QUOTE (Mata @ Oct 17 2005, 03:09 AM)
If you make a red house with red bricks and a blue house with blue bricks, what do you make a green house with?
*



Glass, greenhouses are made of glass. I don't know how many times I've fallen for that
Moosh
QUOTE (Mata @ Oct 17 2005, 03:09 AM)
What do you put in a toaster?
*


In the same vein, what do cows drink?

Also, a train crashes, on one side of the crash is a cemetry, on the other side is a grave-yard. Where do you bury the survivors?
Star_of_Lei
They're survivors
Star_of_Lei
And cows drink water, they produce milk
Star_of_Lei
(no offence intended I'm a natural blonde too) A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are on a desert island. A genie's lamp washes up and they rub it. The genie appears and agrees to grant them a wish each. The brunette tells of how she misses her boyfriend and her friends. So she wishes to go back to them. The red-head then says how she misses her husband and children, she wishes to go back to them. The blonde starts crying. The genie asks her "What's the matter?"

She says " I wish my friends were back here"
Usurper MrTeapot
QUOTE (CheeseMoose @ Oct 17 2005, 04:37 PM)
QUOTE (Mata @ Oct 17 2005, 03:09 AM)
What do you put in a toaster?
*

In the same vein, what do cows drink?
*



Milk. Baby cows drink milk.
Star_of_Lei
If you want get technical, baby cows are called calf

What do you call a chav eskimo?

Inuit Init
uninspired pizza guy
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Ashbless
Oh dear, both possibly offensive to very religious. Sorry.

Three men playing golf. Jesus, Moses and an old guy. Jesus slices into the water. He calmly walks on water, takes his second shot and it rolls onto the green. Moses takes his shot and again it slices toward the water. Moses parts the waters and hits his second shot onto the green. The old guy lines up his shot and sure enough, slices it toward the water hazard. From the pond a frog suddenly grabs the ball, an eagle flies out of the sky and grabs the frog, the eagle squeezes the frog just as he flies over the green, the frog releases the ball and it rolls into the hole. Hole in one.
Moses turns to Jesus. "I really hate golfing with your Dad."



A religious man was caught in a flood and climbed to the top floor of his house. A man comes by in a small boat and offers to take him to safety. The homeowner says "no thanks, go rescue someone else, God will save me."
A while later, the waters have continued to rise and the man is now on his roof. Another would be rescuer with a boat offers to take him to safety. Again the homeowner replies "No thanks, God will save me, go rescue someone else."
The waters continue to rise and the man is now near the top of his roof when a helicopter comes by and offers to airlift him to safety. A third time he refuses because "God will provide for me."
The waters rise and the man drowns. He winds up in Heaven and complains to St. Peter. "Why didn't God save me?" St. Peter looks him up and down and says

"He sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"
Sir Psycho Sexy
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?

One, no, two, four, eight, sixteen, thirty-two, sixty-four.....
uninspired pizza guy
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
uninspired pizza guy
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
uninspired pizza guy
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”
uninspired pizza guy
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up
all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared
at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.
uninspired pizza guy
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
{Gothic Angel}
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Oct 25 2005, 10:44 PM)
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?

One, no, two, four, eight, sixteen, thirty-two, sixty-four.....
*


*points to previous page*

Keep up tongue.gif
uninspired pizza guy
Quick Wit:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
uninspired pizza guy
At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that." "This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
uninspired pizza guy
A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”
Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
uninspired pizza guy
One day a blonde walked into a second hand store and asked the clerk "How much is that TV in the window?" The man said, "I'm sorry. I don't sell stuff to blondes." So She walked out. The next day she came in as a red head. She asked how much the TV was in the window again. And again he said he didn't sell things to blondes. The next day she came in again and asked for the third time how much the TV was. The man said "FOR THE FINAL TIME I DONT SALE STUFF TO BLONDES!!" She said, "How did you know I was a blonde?" He said, "That’s not a TV, It’s a microwave!!!!!"
uninspired pizza guy
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
uninspired pizza guy
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
uninspired pizza guy
about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
uninspired pizza guy
There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.
uninspired pizza guy
Tony limps into his friend’s bar he has two black eyes a bloody lip and he is on a crutch.
His friend asked; “What the hell happened to you?”
Tony says, “The guy next door did this.”
His friend said, “He must have had some kind of weapon in is hand.”
Tony says, “Yeah, a tire iron.”
“Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” asked his friend.
Tony says, “Yeah, his wife’s left tit. It’s gorgeous, but not much good in a fight.”
uninspired pizza guy
Teacher: “why are you always late for school?”
Student: “ because you always ring the bell before I get here!
uninspired pizza guy
A guy had a small penis that he's always conscious of and he had a sneaky belief that he doesn't fully satisfy his wife so one day he visited 'BIG Joe' who had he reputation of having the biggest penis in town, “Say, Joe, I have problem I think you can solve,"
What's that, Billy? Billy explained, “well, Billy, I will tell you my secret...every night before bed I will knock my penis three times on the bed post, and that will guarantee you it will grow an inch in a week"
Excited now Billy said he would try it that night. So that night when his wife was asleep, Bill knocked his penis three times on the bedpost. The wife sprung up and said, “Is that you BIG JOE?"
uninspired pizza guy
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
uninspired pizza guy
Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
One man said fondly; “ I dreamed I was on vacation.” It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.
“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”
His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me? “Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”
uninspired pizza guy
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
uninspired pizza guy
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
fan-diddly-astic!
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa
voices_in_my_head
You know you are from Amarillo when.......
An inch of rain causes streets to flood but it takes a foot of snow to close schools
You think the only seasons are hot, damn hot, and winter.
You prefer to haul drinking water rather than drink tap water
You tell people you live in the brick house with a tan roof and attached two-car garage, and then realize that describes every house within a 2-mile radius
You know where 'The Canyon' is
You see more American flags in one residential block than you've seen in any Forth of July Parade.
You've had to pull over and remove tumbleweeds from the grill of your car
When the sirens go off, you know it's a signal to go outside and look for the tornado
Or that you got any of these jokes.
craziness
why was the math book so sad??


because it had a lot of problems.
Mittens322
Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.
El Nino
I don't know whether this is a joke or not because it could happen but it sounds like a joke, so I'll put it in anyway.

A guy buys a box of rare cigars, and insures them against, among other things, fire, and the inevitable happens (he smokes them) and claims on the insurance for them. The insurance company obviously refuses to pay. So he sues them. And on a technicality he gets $15000. Then the insurance company counter sues, using his own testimony and they get $25000 and he goes to jail.

See what I mean, it's quite plausible.
Novander
QUOTE (Because I can @ Jan 9 2006, 02:09 PM)
I don't know whether this is a joke or not because it could happen but it sounds like a joke, so I'll put it in anyway.

A guy buys a box of rare cigars, and insures them against, among other things, fire, and the inevitable happens (he smokes them) and claims on the insurance for them. The insurance company obviously refuses to pay. So he sues them. And on a technicality he gets $15000. Then the insurance company counter sues, using his own testimony and they get $25000 and he goes to jail.

See what I mean, it's quite plausible.
*

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp
Astarael
Sneaky urban legend, but it's pretty funny. tongue.gif Reminds me of the old "rat in the KFC chicken" story.
Star_of_Lei
What do you call one chav on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call two chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call a hundred chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call a thousand chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call ten thousand chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call all the chavs on the moon?

Problem Solved

(800th post)
Star_of_Lei
Why is two chavs in a nova, going over a cliff a waste?

A Nova seats five.

(801st)
Star_of_Lei
Nine men and one woman are clinging to a rope that's tied to a helicopter. The pilot shouts down that one person has to let go otherwise they're all going to die. So the woman immeadiately starts a great speech about how women always give everything up for men. At the end all the men applaud.
little_bear
QUOTE (Star_of_Lei @ Jan 12 2006, 07:35 PM)
What do you call one chav on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call two chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call a hundred chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call a thousand chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call ten thousand chavs on the moon?

A Problem

What do you call all the chavs on the moon?

Problem Solved

(800th post)
*


QUOTE (Star_of_Lei @ Jan 12 2006, 07:37 PM)
Why is two chavs in a nova, going over a cliff a waste?

A Nova seats five.

(801st)
*

LOL CHAV BASHING IS FUNNEH.
El Nino
I hate seeing bad spelling but this one just utterly cracked me up!

English in the European Community

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
Mata
This one made me laugh today:


Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
That_Guy
Q: What do you call five bagpipes at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.

LittleBear, try to find the song "Moon Chavs".

What they will do there, nobody knows
but who really cares anyway, if every Chav goes?
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