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The Travis
Hello there fools and foolettes. Are you having problems? Got a tough question? Want to know if your bum really looks big in those pants? Well have no fear, The Travis is here. You ask 'em, and I'll answer 'em. And all answers are 100% correct, 3% of the time.

So stop reading this and ask away!
PsychWardMike
Never! Mah agony uncle demands my question posing business!

*runs off crying, streaking*
The Travis
I think you should you talk to him about this. Go to his house, sit down, and have a serious talk till the early morning. Then when he falls asleep, tie him to the furnace and rob the hell out of him.
PsychWardMike
But... I love Jonman. He turned me on to the entire Nippon Ichi scene. I loves Phantom Brave! I loves it hard!

*more crying, streaking*
Usurper MrTeapot
Death to the false prophet!
The Travis
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Dec 27 2005, 05:04 PM)
Death to the false prophet!
*



I recommend soaking it in hot water and then feeding it to a rabid monkey. Wait, what's a prophet again?
Mittens322
Have you ever copywrited?
The Travis
I myself have never done that. There are two reasons for this-

1. Nothing I have ever written is good enough to be copied by someone else.

2. Nothing I have ever written is good enough to be copied by someone else.

3. Profit!!!

If someone ever steals what I have written and manages to sell it to someone who thinks half-retarded fart jokes are comedy gold, I will give them a pat on the back. Then I'll kill them and take the money. Then I'll hide the body in a TV, because who would think to look for a body in a TV?


Batman, that's who.
Novander
I have a question... why are you never on IRC when I am?

*pout*

snoo (probably not logged in as such)
The Travis
Dearest Snoo,

My heart hath ached for thine's post. Thee reason that thou and thine art never ineth IRC at thee same timeth is doth-

If we are ever in the same place at the same time one of two things would happen-

1. The universe would implode due to so much awesome being in the same place. It would cause a black hole that would just expand until nothing remained.

2. It'd go something like this-
Travis- "Hey Snoo, I've missed you."
Snoo- "Hi....Trav? I guess I sort of missed you too...?"
Travis- "Oh yeah you did. Wow it's so great to see you."
Snoo- "Honestly, do I know you?"
Travis- "Yeah, remember? The guy with the hair, and the shirts, and stuff."
Snoo- "OH! You're the guy who keeps sending me those pictures!"
Travis- "Heheh yep."
Snoo- Sets mode +*ban Travis@TravisIPADDRESS and kicks Travis into space forever.
trunks_girl26
How *did* you get to be so darn handsome there, Travis? wink.gif
The Travis
Its very simple. Some people think in order to look this good you have to capture a magical wizard in some sort of wizard trap, then force him to magic you up some magical good looks. This doesn't work because wizards can and will kill you.

Remember kids, be smart, be safe, wizards kill.

Other people thinks that to be good looking you have to eat other, better looking people. This doesn't work because people are big, and if you eat them you will get very full. Then you'll have to run from the cops and have a heart attack.

Remember kids, don't drink, don't smoke, don't run.

No, people have tried many things to be as good looking as I am. The only way to do it is *sees a shiny thing on the floor and runs to get it*
Usurper MrTeapot
Dear Travis.

Was that you outside in my bushes just a minute ago? I am certain because you were wearing the same hat as your avatar.

Yours

A worried Teapot.
The Travis
That... that was a ninja raccoon. Yes, without a doubt. Ninja raccoon. They often wear hats to confuse prey and scare off predators. And also I don't even know where you live. Nor do I call you constantly, breathe heavily, and hang up. If that's happening to you, it's probably a ... midget. Yes.

NEXT QUESTION!
The Lorax
*sexy voice* Will you love me like no other man has loved me before? tongue.gif
The Travis
*melts*

Uh... ye...ye-ye-y-yyyy-YES!
gothictheysay
Will you be careful with my nooby there? ohmy.gif
Phyllis
Dearest Travis,

Did you know that The Lorax is, in fact, jailbait?

Yours,
A friend who does not want to see you imprisoned. tongue.gif
The Travis
QUOTE (gothictheysay @ Jan 7 2006, 11:04 AM)
Will you be careful with my nooby there? ohmy.gif
*


You know that question can only be answered with HUGS! Lots and lots of HUGS!! C'mere.


QUOTE (candice @ Jan 7 2006, 02:46 PM)
Dearest Travis,

Did you know that The Lorax is, in fact, jailbait?

Yours,
A friend who does not want to see you imprisoned.  tongue.gif
*


Well I do now. *shakes fist at age*

P.S. HUGS to you too!!!
Usurper MrTeapot
Just a few weeks and she'll be legal over here.

Yo, Lorax, wanna come to England for a bit? *sweet smile, offers cookies*
The Travis
Hey! No hitting on Lorax in my thread. Only I can do that.

*does his sexy look*
Daria
Dear Travis- which Teletubby was truely gay?

Yours,
Daria
The Travis
Daria-

To answer your question, I set out on a quest. A quest that led me to Happy Fun Super Great Awesome Time Land. Don't let the name fool you though, its actually a nice place. I made my way across the land until I came up the home of these... uh... whatever they are.

I first came upon the Red one. I decided to test him with a simple word association test.

Trav- Ok, Red. I'm going to say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Red- Banna!

Trav-.... Alright.... Here we go. Rope.

Red- Food!

Trav- You would say that, wouldn't you? You sicko, you disgust me.

Red was obviously gay. Next I stumbled upon the Yellow one trying to catch a butterfly.

Trav- Hey Yellow thing, what do you plan to do to that butterfly when you catch it?

Yellow- Play!

Trav- You hideous pervert. STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Yellow was even gayer than Red. This was getting ugly, and fast. I decided to press on, and soon came across Green guy eating what appeared to be air.

Trav- You know, Green guy, I've heard that eating air is a clear sign of homosexuality. What do you have to say about that?

Green- Farm!

Trav- A farm of GAY no doubt! You wierdos are all alike.

That's when I ran. I ran so far away. Like a flock of seagulls. I needed to get out of there fast. But before I did, I ran into Purple. I almost ran past him, but then I thought of Daria. I thought of the time she pulled me out of a burning car just before it exploded. I owed this to her.

Trav- So... how about those sports?

Purple- I like men you know.

I then exploded. Not to death though, just enough to get me back home. Don't ask me how that works, its one of the few things I don't know...

But to answer your question Daria- All of them. A lot. Way lots.
The Lorax
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Jan 8 2006, 09:00 AM)
Just a few weeks and she'll be legal over here.

Yo, Lorax, wanna come to England for a bit? *sweet smile, offers cookies*
*



Sure, Teapot....


...But it wouldn't make boyfriend too happy.
Usurper MrTeapot
Tell him he can come too.
The Lorax
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Jan 9 2006, 05:54 PM)
Tell him he can come too.
*



Haha, I don't think he's into threesomes. Sorry Teapot. tongue.gif
The Travis
Hey you two! Out of the pool! I mean, my thread.

*Shakes fist*

And stay off my lawn. Rotten kids....
Daria
Ha! Travis you made me laugh so much, my chest hurts. Or ymmlsmtmch if you are cool and abbreviate things.
Star_of_Lei
So, Travis, tell me. What's the thing with the universe and 42?
The Travis
So far, the universe has exploded and then imploded 27 times. It will continue doing this until it reaches the number 42. What happens then? I'm glad I asked.

The universe will implode so hard and so fast that it will reverse itself. Black will be white, left will be right, Pop bands will be talented. It will be the craziest crazy since crazy went to Crazyland. In this crazy mixed up universe we will each have a mirror self, or BIZZARO self if you watch Sealab/Superman.

My BIZZARO self will an overweight Korean woman who has back hair. She will enjoy playing with spiders, and will be very very funny.

Also she will have a mustache. An evil mustache.
LoLo
Dear Travis,

Why do people like puppies?

-Lo
The Travis
Dear LoLobotamy-

Back in 377 AD, before puppies were invented, there was a man named Oscar Fradilpaddlehaddlebattle. People mocked poor Oscar's last name and caused him to cry all the time. They'd say things like "Hey Oscar, your last name is foolish and this leads me to believe that you are also a fool." These comments haunted Oscar.

So one night, alone in his secret scientific lab... well it wasn't really a lab, more of a room with poor ventilation. Ok not even really a room, it was a closet. And it wasn't secret. I mean, his parents knew about it and everything. And I guess the only reason I call it scientific is because he had written "This Place Is Scientific" on the door. Anyway, one night he was sitting in the closet crying and a magical koala bear appeared. The koala asked him why he was crying, and little Oscar said "Because people think I'm a fool for having such a foolish name."

The koala bear looked at him and said "That's a stupid thing to cry about. You're stupid."

And with that the koala bear turned him into something so cute that no one would care if it was stupid and had a funny name. And that's why we like puppies, because they're so cute.

I suppose I could have just said "because they're so cute" and saved myself a lot of time, but then again, what else am I going to do?

Hugs,
Trav
Novander
Dear Travis

I am bored of being human and am thinking of having an operation to become a different species. Which species do you suggest?

- Nov.
The Travis
Interesting question. While most people would opt for a powerful animal, something like a rhino or an alligator, not me, no not me. I suggest something no one would ever thing to look out for. A ninja chipmunk with a longing to shoot gas barrels with flaming arrows.

Also, you should breathe fire.
Usurper MrTeapot
Dear Travis,

Which colour is your lightsaber?

MrTeapot.
The Travis
Actually when I got my lightsaber I sprung for the Deluxe Package. So not only does my lightsaber come with a clock and a stopwatch, it also changes color. For an extra $30 I could have had one that opens my garage door, but since I don't have one I thought that would be rather stupid.

But back to your question: Right now its green, no blue, wait red, no orange, now yellow...
LoLo
Will I get laid this year?

*shakes Travis up, flips him over and looks for the message*
The Travis
*vomits*



Ugh... Yes. Now, please, please stop shaking me.
Astarael
Would you rather we made shapes on the ground with your entrails to see the future? That's probably a bit less comfortable than shaking you like a magic 8 ball. tongue.gif
The Travis
No, you can just ask me, and I'll tell you. I'm an excellent listener. One time I listened so hard that I could hear a dude's blood flowing. It was crazy. Crazy like a wolf. A crazy wolf.
Novander
Dear Travis

It has recently been brought to my attention that you can hear like a crazy wolf. This has led me to wonder if it would actually be possible for a ninja to sneak up on you?

Also, can you hear what I'm thinking?

- Nov.
The Travis
QUOTE
Also, can you hear what I'm thinking?

  - Nov.


I'll answer this question first, to ensure that is indeed answered. Every once in a while I am actually able to hear your very thoughts. Like the other night when you were up late thinking about whether or not dolphins deam in color. These are some of the thoughts I have heard from you-

"I don't get why women think they're so superior. Always talking about mutlitasking. Men multitask too. Just the other day I peed while I was showering."

"You know, I think the only thing longer than my *expletive deleted* is the list of women I've serviced with it."

"If a slice cheese was running for office, I would probably vote for it."

"Travis is probably the very most sexiest man alive."

"No, not probably, he is."

"Yep, that's definitely a rash..."

"Heheh ladel sure is a funny word."

"I wonder how I misspelled ladle in my last thought."

I'd keep going, but the rest get kind of... er... inappropriate. But don't worry about it buddy, I've thought about it too.

QUOTE (Novander @ Jan 15 2006, 10:25 AM)
Dear Travis

It has recently been brought to my attention that you can hear like a crazy wolf. This has led me to wonder if it would actually be possible for a ninja to sneak up on you?


This is truly an excellent question. The answer is obviously no. They have tried and failed many times in the past. I guess I'm just too awesome for them. I mean, maybe if they trained harder and g-ACK!! *is attacked by 17 ninjas"
Astarael
Dear Travis-
Did the ninjas actually kill you, or are you just maimed?
The Travis
Maimed. Hard core maimed. I would be dead if Chuck Norris hadn't shown up. Thanks Chuck!!


"EAT DEATH, NINJAS!"
LoLo
Dear Travis,

Do you like if one were to use spam in spaghetti instead of ground beef, would you call it spamghetti?
The Travis
EL oh EL oh-

While part of me would want to call it spamghetti, most of me would decide on something else. I would call it icky-yucky-nasty-poo and then I'd make a silly face.
Novander
Dear Travis

I just read this article on the BBC news website. If you had a parrot, what would you train it to say?

- Nov.
Astarael
That's a smart parrot. I wonder if it could be taught to communicate subliminal messages. ph34r.gif
The Travis
QUOTE (Novander @ Jan 17 2006, 09:07 AM)
Dear Travis

I just read this article on the BBC news website. If you had a parrot, what would you train it to say?

  - Nov.
*


If I had a parrot, it would probably just learn a lot of movie quotes. I watch a lot of movies, and I quote them all the time. So besides those probably just these phrases-

"Dude"

"You suck"

"You are"

"Ma Huang"

"Shadap"

"Where are we going to hide the body"

"Pyoo pyoo"

"Eff that"
and
"EAT DEATH"
LoLo
Dear Travis,

Will you tell me a story about Batman?
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