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Righteous
Okay, dig this: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about four months. She's a great woman who loves me and cares about me and what I'm about. A problem I've been running into lately is that a lot of my friends think she's a "bitch" or "unfit to be my girlfriend." I did some pondering and figured it out (more-or-less).

First off, my girlfriend is kind of hard to get to know; she's not the kind to just open up to people. Second of all, she has a very twisted, sarcastic sense of humor (much like her boyfriend, except less twisted and more sarcastic). WHen she tells me she comes over to see my little sister and not me, I think it's strangely funny while my friends don't think so. Third of all, she usually has a straight face when she's making jokes (often at my expense, but bear in mind, "idiot," "dipsh*t" and "bitch" are terms of enderement with us [long story]).

SHe's also brutally honest. If she doesn't like something, she'll tell me outright (or anybody, for that matter). A lot of my friends misconstrue that as attacks, especially when she tells us that she doesn't like Star Wars.

It's not like she doesn't have her good points, though. She's always there to talk to. I don't feel ashamed to cry in front of her. She's willing to drive an hour to see me. She's not clingy. She appreciates and respects me. She hates seeing me depressed (not in like an annoyed way, more like a concerned way like my little sister does). She loves my family. When she and I argue, we actually get stuff done. She likes to cuddle. And best of all, she understands me.

My problem is this: My boys didn't have high expectations for her because according to them I have horrible taste in women. My assurances that she and this relationship are more developed and mature than what I'm used to didn't do much to console them, so they've been focusing on all her bad points (illustrated above). Circumstance doesn't help either. They'll see me outside on my cell phone with an angry look on my face assuming that we're arguing and she's being a bitch. In truth, I'm angry for whatever reason (yep, still have the bad temper) and she's telling me that she won't let me go until I calm down, while the whole time I'm demanding that she not call back and huffing and puffing until I burn myself out, apologize and tell her I love her. I'll come in with a smile on my face after that and one of the guys'll say, "You tell her off?" Earlier on in our relationship, she was quite jealous and suspicious. These days, though she may not like the situations I put myself in, she trusts me. My friends keep thinking she's jealous about things when she isn't.

How can I get my friends to see that she's not a horrible person? How can I convince them she's a good girlfriend for me? One idea we have (that my brother's girlfriend came up with, actually) is to go on a double-date. My girlfriend's hesitant about it, though my brother and his girlfriend already hold her in high esteem. She fears more my brother's girlfriend's judgementality than my brother's. I told her that they reminded me of each other: psychotic, sarcastic nut jobs who have a thing for Wasian sons of foreigners who have large heads. I'm thinking if I get my brother on my side, things'll be a bit easier.

I dunno. Any thoughts, y'all?
Ashbless
You haven't changed the way you act towards friends and family have you?

One fellow I know started cutting everybody out of his life because she wasn't keen on them. His friends started calling the woman a witch with a capital B. He reacted by getting irritated with them for not being supportive of him. Not a happy scene. Especially as she's got her claws into him pretty deeply.

If the above then maybe they're not off base. If not the above then all I can say is give it time. Maybe introduce her to friends. One or two at a time for more than one fun social thing. They'll get a chance to know her and vice versa. The double date may be a good idea.

Congrats on finding someone who sounds very good for you.
Stardust_Smile
I had exactly the same problem as you for the past two months with my boyfriend.

Turned out that my family actually did think that I had changed my attitude towards them, even though I'm still pretty sure that I remained the same. But maybe your family are noticing a slight change in the way you act whenever she's around, and they're thinking it's a bad thing, when it could be that because you now have someone else in your life, you're juggling more things than you used to, and your family may be feeling that they aren't getting as much attention as they used to.

If your family are the approachable type and you don't mind talking things through with them. You could take your girlfriend and talk over any issues that they may have and try to resolve it that way. Maybe introduce her to some other friends or take her out to a place where you all hang out, then she can maybe get to know them better?

I know I feel unable to talk to my family about it so I resort to writing good things down, and then planning to show them so they can see what a nice person they can be. But it all depends on which you feel most comfortable with. smile.gif
oobunnie
Friends and family tend not to like the new signifigant other at first. From experience my friends and family tend to start off hating anyone I date because it means that I'll be spending less time with them. For the family I'd also say it depends on how she acts around them. Twisted and sarcastic might be fun to all of us, but parents don't tend to be as cool with it. Girl friends will always have to suck up to there boyfriends parents, thats just how it is. A bit old fashioned, but parents want to see their kids dating someone perfect, not someone funny.
Guy friends tend to always hate their guy friends girlfriends. I've managed to knock this down to jealousy. Mad that one of their buds can't to all of the same stuff at the bar anymore, and mad that they don't have a girl (but ofcourse will never admit this to anyone because they are a player rolleyes.gif )
Phyllis
QUOTE (oobunnie @ Feb 12 2006, 12:24 PM)
Friends and family tend not to like the new signifigant other at first. From experience my friends and family tend to start off hating anyone I date because it means that I'll be spending less time with them. For the family I'd also say it depends on how she acts around them. Twisted and sarcastic might be fun to all of us, but parents don't tend to be as cool with it. Girl friends will always have to suck up to there boyfriends parents, thats just how it is. A bit old fashioned, but parents want to see their kids dating someone perfect, not someone funny.
*

I don't know about that. I've always just been myself around significant others' parents...and they seem to like me. But then I guess I'm not sarcastic in the same way Ri's girlfriend is sarcastic. I tend to not call my boyfriend names all the time and stuff like that. moop's dad generally laughs when I do poke fun at moop in front of him, though. blink.gif He seems to like me well enough. Or he at least tolerates me and hasn't told moop that he secretly cannot stand me. It was a long time before I said more than "hi" and "bye" to him, though. We had to progress to the point where I would make jokes like that in front of him. I felt more at ease with his mom quicker...but I don't think I've ever made a lot of jokes in front of her. At any rate, I didn't suck up to either of them. I was just me...but a slightly more reserved me at first, maybe.

I'd say maybe ask her to lay off the sarcasm and blunt honesty a bit until your friends/family get to know her better? Not try to turn her into a different person or anything...just let her know that the people close to you need a bit of time to get used to her before she can joke with them like that. A lot of people would be fine if it was one of their close friends doing those things, but a bit wary if it was a stranger. Just give everyone more time to get used to each other, I guess.
Righteous
I did some poking and prodding. The main things the guys are concerned with is how they think she's hoarding my time. The deal is that she lives like 75 miles (+/-) south of me and when she's here Friday afternoon/evening to Saturday morning/afternoon, that's usually "us" time, though I often say, "Sorry, dude, but the girlfriend wants some 'us' time (yeah, I'm tough)." They take that as she's keeping me on a short leash. One of my friends is also bummed that we go out to eat a lot (I can't help that the woman eats like a lumberjack!).

Other than that, they think she's a descent cat. My mom and little sister love her. My dad likes her. My older sister thinks she's cool, except for when she referred to my sister's Swedish neighbors as "foreigners" (my older sister's a loon). My brother and his girlfriend already think she's all right and just want to go to dinner with her to get to know her. The friend through whom I met my girlfriend and her boyfriend recognize the fact that she's nuts (I don't like normal chicks) but enjoy her company. Thus far, I think I'm doing well. smile.gif

I will tell her to limit her sarcasm and insult humor until the guys are doing it (and to aim it at them, too). Also, after Friday (we're celebrating St. Valentine's Day on Friday because she has to work and I'm going to see Throwdown), I'm gonna try to get her to chill with the guys more, even if that means just sitting around my house doing not much.
Righteous
The double-date went well. She got there late and was scared pooless that my brother's girlfriend would hate her for it, but after she got there, she and my brother's girlfriend got along really well. My brother later told me that he not only finds her to be an acceptable girlfriend for his older brother, he even commends me on landing her! He also pointed out that his girlfriend is the best judge of character he knows and if she thinks my girlfriend's cool, then it's the damn truth. I think I can use this to my adventage.
Stardust_Smile
*Claps* Awww well done hun!!!

I'm glad it went well for you and your girlfriend smile.gif
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
Sorry I didn't respond sooner!

The double date was a good idea, I think that helped expose a lot of things and clean the air just a tad.

About your friends, maybe they just haven't seen her good side yet. If I were you, I'd just give it time, and that probably isn't the best advice...>.<

Anyway, I wish you much love and much luck! *huggle*
spiffilicious05
I know I haven't been around, and it sounds like by now you have a good handle on this. But all I have to say is that you are the only one who truly knows what's good for you at times; this particular instance being one of them. If you are happy in your relationship screw what everyone else says. All that matters is that at the end of the day that she makes you happy, and you make her happy. You just need to ask herself if you love her, if you care about her, if she makes you happy, and if sh fulfills what you need. If you can answer those questions confidently then you don't need to have your friend's approval.

Plus if your brother and his girlfriend both think that she's great then that's an up. I've met them and they wouldn't let you settle for less. I'm really happy for you hun. =)
Izzy
Heh, one of my friend is in the same situation at the moment. SHe's dating this Hip Hop loving'Gangsta', and no one can stand him. What she does is tell everyone who critisies her about it to shut up, and if they've got anything to say about it, she won't be your friend anymore, which we all find anoying. Well, I think you should kinda take in what your friends say. I mean, they've got to have their points, even if they are just focusing on the bad ones. If your boys can't stand her, you might be risking your friendship with them. Anyway, it's just an opionion(how can your girlfriend not like Star Wars?!?!?!?!?!?), good luck sorting all that love stuff out.-If I were you, I say screw your friends, she sounds awesome.

-Izzy
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