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Righteous
THis is more-or-less an extension of a thread I put in personal Concerns. For those who don't know, my brother was dumped by his girlfriend recently. Now, quite shortly after the breakup, she's dating a friend of ours (well, ex friend).

It's a generally understanded principle among most of us that one doesn't date his friend's ex, especially after a breakup this soon. There are, of course, always extenuating circumstances. In this case, Larry (the ex friend) pounced on quite shortly after the breakup knowing full-well that my brother was in magnanimous amounts of pain. They lied to him about it, which pissed everybody off because we could tell.

Back in the day, we had what we called pinball girls. A pinball girl will date Matt, then Dave, then Tim, then my brother all in rapid succession. They didn't date then for very long and had very little emotional depth, so it really wasn't all that bad.

Now, there was a time when my friend Meghan dated an ex a few months after we broke up. It was weird, but I got over it after a short time. It wasn't weird at all, for some odd reason.

About seven months ago, another friend of mine dated another ex that I had been crushing on for several months beforehand, which added a nice double-whammy. It hurt a buttload. I felt strangely betrayed and lost a lot of sleep and shed a lot of tears over it. To this day, it still feels weird.

There are more examples among me and my boys, but going into them would be repetative. What are your thoughts on friends dating friends' exes, given this information and your own experiences?
Ashbless
Tough call.

I'd say some time should pass before a friend pounces to allow a little healing.

That said I now present a totally different story. My brother had his heart crushed into little jagged pieces by a female he was dating dump him for his best friend. The best friend and then-girlfriend had been behind my brother's back (it was later revealled) for a few months. Flash forward 10 years. Best friend and then-girlfriend married and parents of two, brother married to wonderful lady I'm proud to have in the family, and all four good friends again. Brother quite happy he didn't wind up with then-girlfriend as he feels now-wife to be far superior.

Sometimes things work out the way they do for a reason? huh.gif

All the best to your brother. A broken heart hurts. Hope peace with situation comes soon. Followed by better / more loving person in his life.
Feyliya
My personal way of dealing with that has always been to give things time to cool down, then ask the friend before pouncing on the ex. Never had a problem with that approach and I highly reccomend it.
Calantyr
It can hurt, but hey! Their love life is no longer any of your business so move on, let them have whatever enjoyment they can get.

That's really all I can say on the matter. It's best to try and drop any intimate feelings you may have had and get on with each others lives. It's never easy but it's healthier in the long run.
bryden42
im with calantyr and feyliya here, give it a bit of time to let the raw nerves die down but after that, the relationship is over, so at the end of the day neither party has any say in what the other does.
Phyllis
Oooh man.

One of my former friends started dating my ex not even a week after I'd moved out. I'd been with him for...hmm...4 years prior to that?

I was a bit hurt that he bounced back so quickly, but really the relationship had been dead for at least 1-2 years prior to that. I didn't take all that long to bounce back myself (and am now SO incredibly better off...though I still want nothing to do with him or the former friend who is now his ex). What made me really angry was her. She was supposed to be my friend, and she couldn't even give me as much as one week to heal before dating him.

I would never date my friends' leftovers like that. My friends are more important than some rebound relationship (which is likely all it will end up being). I definitely think that it's better to give it some time, to give both parties a chance to get over the previous relationship (not just the friend, but the ex as well). And obviously ask the friend first. I think it's a pretty crappy thing for a friend to do otherwise.

Anyway, I'm sure your brother will be better off without both of them. Just give it time.
Felander
It doesn't sit well with me. I know, provided that there's been a long enough time period for healing et cetera, that technically there's nothing wrong with it but personally that wouldn't stop me kicking up a massive fuss about the whole thing.

Speaking for myself, I would never date the ex of a friend.

_
Astarael
I have exactly no experience with this, but I wouldn't date a friend's ex, or be happy about a friend dating one of my exes, if the relationship had any real depth. If the relationship had been very light, casual, and short, I'd adjust to the weirdness quickly and move on. The more the relationship meant to the people in it, the longer you should wait. Then, if you're really attracted to the ex, approach the friend and ask them not so much for permission as for basic approval. If the friend says "No, because you'd be ripping me to pieces and I couldn't be your friend again," then obviously staying away is still a good idea. If the friend is more resigned to the whole idea, then it's fine to go ahead. For me, it would depend on the closeness of the friendship, how much you really want the friend's ex, and how respectful to everyone in question you are. The "rapid pounce when you know the friend is hurting" was clearly out of line, even if it was a casual friendship.
pgrmdave
Well, I'm currently dating the ex-girlfriend of a now ex-friend. When she and I had first met, she'd been dating him for a while, but I was unaware of this. We flirted, and started to like each other, but she, eventually, decided that she cared for him more than me. A year later, most of it was behind us, and he and I got to know each other a bit better, and started hanging out some. Not much, but I would've considered him a friend. He dumped her, and about a month later, she and I started going out. I'm still dating her, and he and I still don't get along.
trunks_girl26
I'd tend to disagree with the practice, simply because I tend to have serious relaoitnships rather than casual ones. I imagine that you could eventually get over it to a degree, however, I think this also depends on how much said friend and ex continue to be in your life while they're dating.
Righteous
For the record, Cand, my brother's all right. His additude is a healthy "F*ck her. F*ck him. F*ck them. F*ck it."

Yes, in this case it is a sad, sick rebound deal. In my cases, it was never a rebound thing. I will say this: In the latest incident, my friend asked me if it was okay (what was I supposed to do? say no?) What really got me was that later I found out that they had already began a relationship and had had sex. I felt as though I was lied to, even though I wasn't.

I have no set thoughts on this matter. One should factor in emotional depth of the relationship, duration and time since breakup. This isn't an easy thing to think about, hence the thread.
Faerieryn
Hmm. I'm probably on the other side of this sort of thing as when I first started seeing Matt it was two/ three months after he broke up with his ex who, at one point had been a very close friend of mine. When they finally broke up I was no longer in any more than christmas card contact with her and it was primarily because she was his girlfriend anyway.
When she found out that Matt and I were seeing each other she was fine to him about it but sent me an abusive text message. I felt a bit upset but figured it was coming anyway. She decided to try telling a friend of ours that we had been seeing each other behind her back for some time which was complete rubbish and tried to ruin my friendship with some of our friends by telling them lies about me. She broke off contact with Matt and myself but eventually (after the 7/7 bombings) Matt made contact with her to check she was ok. She was all fine to talk to him until she asked about me. When he replied that we were going well she went all funny on him and hung up.
It is now a year later and friends still see her in passing.
One friend of ours in particular is still quite close to her and when she came down for my birthday she popped in to see her for a while. All was well until she asked claire why she was down in London. Claire told her that she was here to see me and she went nuts.
Now Claire has just invited me to her birthday party next week and I have had to decline. Primarily because I know Matt's ex will be there and the chances are that she will cause a fuss. I'm completely aware that what Matt and I did was hurtful to her but we did our best to soften the blow. It is over a year now and she still seems to be wallowing in the anger. I just wish that she would move on with her life and at least attempt to forget about it as I'm sure it's not doing her any good to be this angry after a year. Also it is making things very difficult between myself and Claire.
I guess I feel that there is no right or wrong answer in this situation but in my opinion whatever happens a failed relationship should not ruin anyones chances of a successful one with whoever you choose that person to be
Aislinn Faye
Dude, if Cand bounced back so quickly and with one of his friends.......maybe the had something going on before they broke up? Eh? I wouldn't put it past a female to do that....yeah...we're evil I know.
Witless
I have resisted writing this post for a while but bleh.

I am kinda involved with my ex's friend. It's fine and dandy. My ex is fine about it.. pretty much happy for me and the person I am involved with.

I don't think there's an absolute answer for the whether it's ok to date you friend's ex. It depends on the relationship between you and your friend, and how you feel about you and your friend's ex really.
Phyllis
QUOTE (Aislinn Faye @ Jun 11 2006, 04:14 PM) *
Dude, if Cand bounced back so quickly and with one of his friends.......maybe the had something going on before they broke up? Eh? I wouldn't put it past a female to do that....yeah...we're evil I know.

Sorry? What on earth are you talking about? I've never dated an ex's friend...
Feyliya
QUOTE (candice @ Jun 11 2006, 06:55 PM) *
QUOTE (Aislinn Faye @ Jun 11 2006, 04:14 PM) *

Dude, if Cand bounced back so quickly and with one of his friends.......maybe the had something going on before they broke up? Eh? I wouldn't put it past a female to do that....yeah...we're evil I know.

Sorry? What on earth are you talking about? I've never dated an ex's friend...


Aslinn and Ri know each other in "real life". If I'm not mistaken, Cand is the name of Ri's brother's former girlfriend.

It's not all about you, Candy-kins. tongue.gif :: ducks and runs ::
Phyllis
QUOTE (Feyliya @ Jun 11 2006, 08:09 PM) *
Aslinn and Ri know each other in "real life". If I'm not mistaken, Cand is the name of Ri's brother's former girlfriend.

It's not all about you, Candy-kins. tongue.gif :: ducks and runs ::

Ohh. Right. That makes a lot more sense. I'm just so used to Cand = me. I don't personally know any other Candices who shorten it that way...they all become "Candy."

And Fey...to The Chokey with you for the "Candykins" thing!
Aislinn Faye
Oops sorry for the misunderstanding....and contrary to what Fey says the world does revolve around you happy.gif
Feyliya
QUOTE (Aislinn Faye @ Jun 12 2006, 04:27 PM) *
Oops sorry for the misunderstanding....and contrary to what Fey says the world does revolve around you happy.gif

LIES! How can the world revolve around Cand when it so OBVIOUSLY revolves around me? rolleyes.gif

/horrible, horrible spam
megan87
Hey everyone,

What do you think of this situation?

My brother's friend, Dan, and I had a big thing going for 2 years - it was very physical, but my brother didnt approve of me being with him so we thought we should end it despite our feelings for each other. Then i met my now-boyfriend, Ryan, but early on in our relationship, i cheated on him with Dan, this time going "All the way".

Dan and I didnt see each other for a while and ryan and I worked at patching things up. Then my best friend, sarah, moved in. She and dan had been text messaging for about 2 weeks flirting and finally decided to meet up. Sarah ended up spending the weekend fooling around in his bed and now, a few months later, they are tighter than bonnie and clyde and i am expected to be happy for them.

Before dan, sarah had been dating Jack, my boyfriend Ryan's best friend, then broke up with him because she had a crush on Ryan, and then Ryan and I began dating and Sarah moved onto Matt (Jack and Ryan's other friend) and then broke up with him. After moving through Ryan's friends like anything, she then moved onto Dan.

Is this behaviour acceptable?! I am a firm believer in just staying the hell away from exes, even if i had moved on with Ryan, it still hurts and I can't see myself being friends with sarah again.
Witless
QUOTE (megan87 @ Jun 21 2006, 06:57 AM) *
Stuff


Right.. so I read that post and had trouble following it. But, being the trooper that I am, I made a determined effort to say something constructive in reply to your first post on the boards (welcome by the way).

I decided to make this little thing:



I based it on your tale of stress and woe, and behold! I was able to follow!
from the sounds of things.. and looks of things it's less about friends dating exes, it's more about your Sarah person moving through virtually every male in that whole situation. If she makes a determined effort for your brother she'll be linked with everyone!

Would I be right in assuming that if it wasn't for how sarah moved between all of those guys, you'd feela little better about her and Dan?
pgrmdave
QUOTE
she had a crush on Ryan, and then Ryan and I began dating


Really? You're best friends but you start dating her crush? I think that's worse than dating an ex, especially since you're in a committed relationship with your best friend's ex-crush.
megan87
Oh yay, i didnt expect a reply so quick!

Pgrmdave - the crush sarah had on ryan was really shallow, she didnt HONESTLY like him...i am pretty sure he was just the next guy on her list and as he got to know her he lost interest (especially since she was dating jack at the time and ryan knows the "no exes of friends" rule, unlike sarah. And it cant have been too serious cos she moved on pretty quick to Matt without batting an eyelid!

and Witless - haha! Well done!! Thats exactly what the connections are between us all. On another note, that same brother was engaged to my other best friend for quite some time but they broke it off this year. Weird? My life is like Days of Our Lives!!

And yes, i think if sarah had not slutted around my guyfriends like she did, the blow of her and dan hooking up may have been less severe.

Girls always have this idea in their heads that best friends marry their dream husbands and then invite them over for dinners to their houses and all the husbands are friends and all the best friends are friends and all that lame stuff. This is shattered now! Ryan refuses to be in the same room as Dan, I have hung out with sarah and dan together once before and it actually went ok, sarah refuses to come over Ryans house (where Jack and Matt also live).

Also, to make matters more complicated - my friend Lauren is in on this too. It used to be Sarah, Lauren and I - we were inseperable. And now lauren is angry at sarah (she's sticking up for me).

Sigh! I guess time will heal all wounds? Everything I have spoken about happened in the last 8 months.
Mr Fuzzy
Here's a thing to throw in. Why not keep in contact with exes whan it's practical to do so? You do need to have a break to let the pain ebb away, but surely it's a bit of a waste to drop somebody who you know (presumably if you were willing to do the nasty with them) you enjoy spending time with. The same goes for the theoretically former friends - you may be angry with them and be less trusting of them in certain aspects of life, but there was something you liked about them.

Trite though it sounds, time is a great healer. So is being in a happy relationship yourself. It takes a great deal of the sting about past losses and betrayals.
Astarael
It could also prevent relationship misunderstandings later. If you have some advance warning that your ex is really starting to like your friend, you can maybe explain your reaction and reconcile yourself to it instead of erupting with rage when you find out with no warning and you're on loathsome terms with your ex.
Faerieryn
I kept in contact with my ex. I then became his then girl friend's good friend. To cut a VERY long story short he is now her ex husband and I'm their daughter's faerie godmother!!!
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