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Usurper MrTeapot
This is me just getting things off my chest, making connections between everything to help myself. I would appreciate replies for advice or contact numbers only.

In March my grandfather died, and a few months after that my grandma died too. Her death seemed to be very closely linked to his death, and we believe she knew she was going to die and lost the will to live. However she didn't lose the resolve to protect the rest of the family so we knew about it only at the last moments.

She started withdrawing her daily limit from her account every day for weeks before she died and started saving them in envelopes around the house. Some of the money was meant to help with her eldest daughters divorce, some for the grandchildren's education and future, basically a lot of money was intended to go to friends and family but not all of it quite got there.

My mum helped so much with my grandfather's funeral, paperwork and practically cremated him herself, she organised the wake and contacted everyone to come. Before I go futher, my mum married into the family, so all this was for her inlaws. After grandfather died my grandmother took interest in getting her own papers sorted out and she called my mum first.

Now she has died the family has collapsed. It started with moving everything out of their council flat in 2 weeks before they came to repossess it. For some reason I took quite a bit of the abuse, mostly for being the black sheep in the family (These are two of my cousins, they are all like this.) but also because I am the son of the my mum, who they are envious about my grandmother asking to help. It's odd, they don't want to attack her directly because of what she did to help, but the fact that she was the one to help...argh damnit, I don't understand my family and I think I'm wandering off the point.

Ever since they both died my father has stopped eating. It is very hard to get him to eat a morsel. He was on a diet before the deaths, since he started having knee problems relating to his body trying to take his weight. Suddenly he is the same weight as my mum, roughly 10 stone.

He doesn't look that light, it is a lot more muscle wasting and not so much fat being burnt off. His neck is starting to sag where the tissue is not able to hold itself together properly.

I've just quit my job, last thursday, and since then I've been able to be home for dinner and I've just managed to see how very real this is. Next to my dinner in the fridge there used to be a half eaten dinner of his (as he claimed he'd finish it later) but lately my mum is just leaving everything in the shelf above his beer. I think its to make a point, see how many meals he hasn't eaten, if it is intentional it isn't working.

For my birthday, August 14th, I asked to have a family meal together because I knew something was up. A month later it is so much worse. My dad is like his mother, he would eat a meal with me to hide that there is a problem so we can get him to eat some food at least. But I go to University Sunday and I don't know if the situation will get worse with my absence.

I just think he doesn't even realise.

Grargh, just blergh.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
Not sure if this will be at all helpful or not:

My Dad died in April and since then I've found that I've changed a lot, as has my family. People deal with death very differently and grieve in a very personal way. I understand that it's quite common for some relatives to act out in anger and jealousy because of the way that things have happened. A slight that happened years ago becomes a personal attack specifically aimed at them.

Two pieces of advice I'd give: It doesn't matter what relatives think, say or do. You do whatever it is that you feel is right to honour the memory of your grandparents, it's your perogative. They need to lash out to deal with their grief - it's not a reflection on you.

Second: Your Dad is a grown adult and, again, he will deal with his grief in the only way he knows how. You just have to accept this and acknowledge that there really is nothing that you can do to prevent the process. If he can't stomach an entire meal, then he just can't. He knew his parents his entire life and now he won't see them again - that takes a while to accept.

Thirdly (okay - so I didn't warn you about the third bit of advice) - accept that you are not responsible for everyones elses actions. Do what you need to do, be there for those who need you but try not to accept the world and it's dogs' responsibility.

All done. Run along.
Usurper MrTeapot
Yes ma'am, I must say it is nice to see you around again. Been a while has it not?
After my mother died last year, I went through a stage where I was not eating particularly well. I didn't lose drastic amounts of weight, but people noticed that I was slimmer. I've always had a love-hate relationship with food, but after her death it was very difficult to find anything appealing to eat.

As Snugglebum said, everybody deals with death in a different way. At the weekend, I heard that a family friend had died in some kind of accident. Her husband is dealing with it much the same way my own father did, my just getting on with things: doing lots of big chores and jobs, making arrangements as well as possible, and generally keeping his mind occupied. He's admitted that when he's alone, in the early hours of the morning, he breaks down. But the rest of the time he has to be seen to be doing "something", and look brave in front of the seven children that have been left behind.
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