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Daria
Big long "setting the scene" babble.
During the Easter holidays this year, my mother told me that my step-dad was my actual dad. The guy who I believed to be "dad" for the other 17 and a bit years of my life up until that point, was the father of my 3 siblings (including a brother 10 years my junior) but not mine.

I won't go into the story as I think I have already, and it isn't the main problem.

Even prior to this revelation, I had difficulty in opening up to my mother. I just can't do it. I always fear she won't like what I have to say and so I feel that not saying it is better than upsetting her. Around the time she told me about the dad thing (more after it, though) we used to argue about everything and everything. Anything could set off an arguement and because I don't like shouting, I would just say my feelings and how I felt of the situation. When I didn't shout, my mother would tell me off for being patronising or for talking to her in that tone of voice/ standing in that way/ looking at her like that- the latter is probably because I have a habit of looking straight at people in conversation and especially arguements.
An example of these arguements was when she was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. I sat down and started to apologise for how I had been acting of late and that I loved her however much she may think I didn't. She started to have a go at me because to her it seemed as though I just wanted something. She continued, even when I was crying and telling her I loved her and that I just wanted her to know it- she ended by saying "sometimes I really resent you" and stormed off to her summerhouse.

That description of her makes her out to be some sadistic bitch who doesn't love me. I don't believe that to be the case at all- it is just an extreme. She cares alot for me, she wants me to have the best in life and she wants me to be happy. She would go out of her way to make sure I have the things I need in life and I understand this.

In May, two long term friends, who were very important to me, decided to "break up" with me- they ended the friendship and didn't talk to me. I found it hard to deal with, but it encouraged me to expand my friendship circles. A little previous to that I had lost some weight and was finding my self confidence. My social life improved dramatically and I was also going to a lot of gigs locally and in London. I met Mr Teapot, spent more time in London- didn't have a lot of time to spend at home with my family. Admittedly I didn't have much urge to spend time at home when all these things were going on and I was part of them. My summer was spent in London, Orkney, Amsterdam, at various music festivals and I must have only spent about 2 to 3 weeks at home in total. I was home for a week after returning from Holland before moving to Paris where I only ended up living for a little less than 2 months.

When I was in Paris, I got used to spending time on my own. I wrote everything down, I wrote blogs, I spoke to people OL and on the telephone. I spoke to my mum on the phone quite a bit but it was just about current issues e.g how unhappy I was with my job or how much I missed people.

I came home on the 21st of October and as I originally thought, when planning my half term, that I would be going back on the 29th of October; I had a very busy week ahead of me. By the end of half term, I had got myself a part time waitressing job in a cafe in the same town I used to go to 6th form. The Saturday and Sunday of that week were spent in my room, listening to music and trying to sort out my head with how I felt about certain issues I had managed to make with people. Part of me wanted to go downstairs and be sociable and talk with my parents and little brother, but I stayed in my room. I ate tea at 10:30 ish each night- I cooked my own as I wasn't hungry when everyone else ate.

The week after, I spent Wednesday through to Monday (yesterday) in London. Yesterday was my "real" dad's birthday and I got home in the evening after waiting about 2 hours for a bus from the train station. I played Scrabble with my parents and little brother, I ate with them, I cleared up after us all. I made an effort as mum had told me last week that she felt I was just "using" the house. When I was clearing away, I hugged her and told her I loved her- she replied with

"Well I do wonder sometimes. You don't feel like my daughter anymore"

/background rubbish

I want to tell her how I feel- that I haven't dealt with the news given to me at Easter, that even though I should feel more secure and part of the family (now I know my step-dad is my real dad and therefore making my family a "conventional" family unit for me) I actually feel as though I am not part of anything. I feel as though my parents are not my parents, and that living in this house isn't the right thing to do.
I am currently trying to organise moving to London- I would move back to Paris but due to friends and boyfriend, I want to stay in England. I know I am almost just running away from the problem, I know that I will find it very hard to financialy survive in London but I will do anything to get away from how I feel at the moment. I am not going to uni for another year- perhaps even another year after that. I am fed up of living in the countryside, however much I adore it. I need to be in a place where I can hop onto a bus and be independant.


So please- help me. I need to explain stuff to my mother, I need to find a place and a job in London and I need to grow up.
Sorry for the length of this.
Daria
I haven't spoken to her properly but things are better and I have started to open up to her a little.

Edit- After Thursday, I am more determined than ever to go. The phrase "You are seriously SCREWED UP at the moment!" actually passed her lips. My response was "Yes- I am."


I returned from a wonderful weekend in London, today, and was picked up by Keith. We didn't speak about anything in particular in the car and when I got home I said hello to mum. The conversation went;

"Hi mum"
"hello- are you ok?"
"Yes"
"You're not ok..."
"No." - At which point I walked away and put my bag in my room. She hasn't asked any questions since.

I spoke to my brother on Thursday evening when I was on my way to my friend's house. He is a chef and lives in an apartment above the pub he works in. There is a spare room there, and the pub is in the same town where I work. I asked him if I could stay there for a couple of weeks until I had enough money to at least start off with, in London. I explained how I felt about stuff and it was so comforting to hear him say
-"I understand how you feel. I have been through the same kind of thing as you seem to be going through now, except I didn't have the Keith thing, obviously. I am proud of you and how you have handled things- you didn't turn to drugs or alcohol and I think you just need some space."

He said he will ask his Boss if I can have the room for a little bit and so hopefully I can live there and work more hours at the cafe. I explained my situation to the woman who works out most of the shifts at the cafe and she understood and said although they would be sad to see me go, I should do the thing I feel I need to do most at this moment.

Everyone is being so understanding. I wish I could just get my mum and Keith to see how things are in my mind.
{Gothic Angel}
I'm coming to the conclusion that all mothers are just irrational *hugs*

Flippancy aside - I know you read what I said to Emma. Take another look and read it through from your point of veiw. Your mum has taken something which is very important and personal to you, changed it very rapidly, and then expected you to just accept and deal with it for her own personal comfort. After all, she's accepted it and moved on, so why can't you? She's then taken a time when she knows you're bound to be a little off emotionally, and made apparently no effort to change the way she behaves towards you. This is not good parenting.

Of course, I'm not sitting here sayng you have a terrible mother - that's obviously not the case. You and I, and I'm sure others, both know that an irrational and maybe not as emotionally mature as one would hope parent can still have their child's best interests at heart. On her side of the ledger, it probably cuts a little that you find it hard to open up to her. She maybe sees it as a lack of trust, and fears she has lessened this trust even more by telling you that, effectively, she's been lying to you (about your "real" dad) for years. This would certainly explain the "Sometimes you don't feel like my daughter" guilt trip. And bear in mind this is probably something she had to come to terms with a long while ago, and maybe isn't something she likes having dragged up either, it could be that control thing coming back again - she wants you to go back to behaving like everything is as it was before. Obviously, being 18 now, you have the right to your own life, so that's upsetting her desire for everything to go "back to normal". All this is purely hypothesis, and I'm sure you've thought it through, but in case you havent - it honestly does help to keep at the back of your mind possible reasons for why she might be behaving this way towards you.

In terms of what you can do, I agree with your brother. You seem to have dealt with everything competently and maturely. I guess in the conversation side of this, that maybe hasn't made anything much better, but look on the positive side - it doesn't sound like it's actively made it worse either. And look at yourself - you moved out and lived on your own in a foreign country for 2 months. You're arranging to live on your own again in order to deal maturely with a problem. It might not feel like it, but you're coping with something potentially devastating like an adult. There's not a lot of 18 year olds out there who would do that, you know?

Bleh. I'm tired and ill, so this whole post might be a load of crap, but if I was your mum, I'd be proud of you. Just give her a bit of time and keep going as you are, and she'll come around. You know where the forums are if it all gets too much, and it sounds like you have a good support base anyway.

Keep going hun smile.gif
halia depression
QUOTE ({Gothic Angel} @ Nov 13 2006, 05:32 PM) *
I'm coming to the conclusion that all mothers are just irrational *hugs*

Flippancy aside - I know you read what I said to Emma. Take another look and read it through from your point of veiw. Your mum has taken something which is very important and personal to you, changed it very rapidly, and then expected you to just accept and deal with it for her own personal comfort. After all, she's accepted it and moved on, so why can't you? She's then taken a time when she knows you're bound to be a little off emotionally, and made apparently no effort to change the way she behaves towards you. This is not good parenting.

Of course, I'm not sitting here sayng you have a terrible mother - that's obviously not the case. You and I, and I'm sure others, both know that an irrational and maybe not as emotionally mature as one would hope parent can still have their child's best interests at heart. On her side of the ledger, it probably cuts a little that you find it hard to open up to her. She maybe sees it as a lack of trust, and fears she has lessened this trust even more by telling you that, effectively, she's been lying to you (about your "real" dad) for years. This would certainly explain the "Sometimes you don't feel like my daughter" guilt trip. And bear in mind this is probably something she had to come to terms with a long while ago, and maybe isn't something she likes having dragged up either, it could be that control thing coming back again - she wants you to go back to behaving like everything is as it was before. Obviously, being 18 now, you have the right to your own life, so that's upsetting her desire for everything to go "back to normal". All this is purely hypothesis, and I'm sure you've thought it through, but in case you havent - it honestly does help to keep at the back of your mind possible reasons for why she might be behaving this way towards you.

In terms of what you can do, I agree with your brother. You seem to have dealt with everything competently and maturely. I guess in the conversation side of this, that maybe hasn't made anything much better, but look on the positive side - it doesn't sound like it's actively made it worse either. And look at yourself - you moved out and lived on your own in a foreign country for 2 months. You're arranging to live on your own again in order to deal maturely with a problem. It might not feel like it, but you're coping with something potentially devastating like an adult. There's not a lot of 18 year olds out there who would do that, you know?

Bleh. I'm tired and ill, so this whole post might be a load of crap, but if I was your mum, I'd be proud of you. Just give her a bit of time and keep going as you are, and she'll come around. You know where the forums are if it all gets too much, and it sounds like you have a good support base anyway.

Keep going hun smile.gif


I don't know if I can help you much, but I can say that I understand how sometimes moms can be weird in an almost terrible way. My mother actually told me she didn't love me, and this was when I was six years old! Anyway, this is a huge life change for you, and it seems like she could understand that, and I'm sure she does, she just probably feels frustrated and maybe even guilty. I guess you shouldn't try to take some of the angrier things she says seriously. My dad sometimes says things he doesn't mean. They may be parents, but they're still human. I'm not sure what advice to give you, just keep hanging on, you're doing well so far, it seems.
Daria
Thank you both for your comments.
My brother's boss wasn't happy with the idea of me living there, so I am still currently at home. Mother and I haven't argued for quite some time, although I haven't spoken to her about anything. I keep giving her little up-dates as to what I am doing; they are more statements than discussion.

I have been given the opportunity to have lots more hours during December and January as a woman I work with is going to move to Ireland for a couple of months. Because I was going to share a house with a load of students, if I move down before Christmas, I will be living there on my own for a while during the Christmas break. This really isn't very appealing, but nor is being stuck in Suffolk until February if I take up the offer of two months work.
Moving in January seems like the best option and, although companies don't like to recruit heaps of new staff in the new year, I will hopefully be able to find a job. It will give me time to raise more funds so I could potentialy move down without a job and find one when I am there.

It all feels as though there are things which have latched onto me since being here and however unhappy I am, I can't seem to get away. Pffft, now I'm just moaning. Sorry.

Last Thursday, mum and I had a "moment". I felt the closest to her I had been in years. She had come back from a funeral of my granma's friend's husband, during which my granma and her discussed feeling old. My mum is 48 and I think the realisation that she is perhaps over half way through her life, scared her a bit. When she came home, she explained how much the funeral reminded her of my granpa's one- it was in the same crematorium and she hadn't been back since. She was feeling very emotional, so I gave her a hug and she told me that she feels old. My response was "I guess there are two of us who don't want to grow up".

I made her cry.
Star_of_Lei
: Hugs :

I have recently come to the conclusion that there is no such things as adults. there is this fable of a thing called 'Growing up', but in all my fourteen years I've never met anyone who's actually done it.
I can relate to your problem on two levels, one I live in Norfolk which I gotta say aint no better than Suffolk for levels of excitement. Unless you count the Linnet's current football success.
But my mum sometimes does some of the things it sounds like yours does. Only with my mum, I know it's because she's knackered as she spends 6 days of the week in Peterborough, an hour and a half from where we live.
But honestly, I am so impressed with how you've dealt with all this. Really, I doubt I could've gone to live in Paris on my own.
And as for your recent father revelation, what family doesn't have something strange there?
This could well be a mindless pile of drabble, however, I'm almost positive that it's well spelt drabble
Daria
Things are coming on in leaps and bounds. Well, there has been one.

I initiated conversation with her in the car (i.e no escape) about contraception, on Thursday. We discussed different forms of it, what she has previously used, how it effected her etc etc.

When the conversation finished, I was most stunned at myself. We also had a nice afternoon just food shopping and chatting and she thanked me for talking to her, when we got home.

She still says delighftful things such as "Oh, it wasn't that I was worried about you, more annoyed at you changing our plans" but I guess some things never change.

SoL, I didn't realise you live in Norfolk. Simply charming, isn't it just? tongue.gif

I still want to move to London. It doesn't look as though I will be moving any time this year and the more I think about it, the more it looks like it won't be happening at all as the longer I am here in Suffolk, the more responsabilities I seem to have.
elphaba2
Yay for those breakthroughs! You sound like things are going a few paces better, so I feel congratulations are in order. smile.gif
Daria
I feel it to be a little self indulgent to update this topic, but here goes.

I moved to London on the 30th of December.
I got a job as receptionist for an Osteopath clinic, in February.
I, with the help of someone who means the world to me, started to sort out junk in my head.
I got my university place defered until September 2008.

Thursday before last, I had a lengthy conversation with mum about how much she means to me and how proud I am of her for sticking with Dad MK I for as long as she did and how she brought us all up.

Yesterday morning I told my parents (who, when I originally suggested that I might defer again my mother cried) that I have defered my uni place until 08. They were very level headed about it all and just discussed with me the opportunities of studying something other than Marine Biology if I didn't feel it was the right thing to still be doing.
Yesterday my sister told me that she had recently explained to mum how proud she was of me for striking off on my own and doing what I needed to do to sort out my life; how much of a "mature young woman" I have become etc.
Today I discussed, at length, with two different Aunts how I am getting along in London and about uni- how I can prepare for it.

It is nine years (to the day) since my Granpa died. After he died, all three of his children separated from their respective husbands/ wife- 6 years ago, my parents separated. A year ago (to the day) I was in London with my sister trying to explain how I felt about just being told the Dad News whilst eating a curry in Camden.
It seems to have taken nine years, but I feel that life is back to "normal".

I feel almost euphoric smile.gif
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