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ugh... i dont know what is going on with me. i keep feeling depressed, and all i can think about it the fact that i miss my mom. It never gets easier, ever. it like there is this little button in the back of your skull that get hit, and everything comes back to you. these flashback of what your life was like befor now. How much beter the time were then. How when you woke up in the morning there would be a voice there, and now its gone forever. Time like these make me wish that i was far better with wordsthen i am now. I wish i could wirte beautiful poetry and make people feel what i am feeling. Do somthing to help people understand, anything.

It's strange, the thing you remimber when people are gone. These great times that are suddenly shattered and replaced with tears. The truth is, its hard for me to remimber my mom and not want to cry. Every memory i have jsut leads into the point that she wont be here to make any more of them with me. I remimber when i was a kid, really little. My mom had one of those bike seats, and after strapping me in, and climbing on. she proptly lost balance and i fell in the rocks that paved our drive way. it is one of the earliest memories of my mom, and i belive it happened when i was two. I can't even remimber her face without looking at a picture. I would give anything in the world, just to be able to have my mom walk into a room and look at me. I dont think there could be any sound more beautiful then the sound of her voice, just to hear it one last time. It's a soundi haven't been able to hear in almost six years.

Six years... what the hell am i doing. I still lay in bed every morning and just wait for my mom to yell my name and tell me to get out of bed. Some times i dont even want to get out of bed because she wasn't there to tell me to.

I remimber this one time, me and my mom were driving to bloomington. Just me and her on the long car drive. MY favorit song came on the radio, and me and my mom jsut sang and sang and sang. She always used to tell me how pretty my voice is, and that i should sing more often. I still dont belive her now, but i like to sing with Becki cause then i can imagine i am singing with her.I wish i would have taken more time just to listen to her. Maybe if i would have listened more i would be able to remimber the sound now.

I remimber the way she smelled, its the only thing i can really remimber. She smelled like ciggaretts and wild flours. the strangest smell in the world, but that what she smelled like. It ws one of those smells that would jsut wrap istelf around you and make you feel like you were safe. that not matter what happened that everything would be ok, and when she hugged you... you knew that she really ment it. you could feel the love leaving her body and just breath it in. She could make the world feel like home when no one else belived in you.

In reflection, i know why i held onto the idea of god for so long. As long as i belived in god i could belive that my mom went of to some magical place to live forever. But in the end, it's fucking bull shit. The idea of some magical place is just some way to delude themselves that eventually all that will matter it how you affected other people. How people will remimber you. The silly little words that they will write in their myspace blogs down the road after you died.

i remimber my mom, her actions and her life directly affect the way i am. i know this, it has affected me so much that people somtimes mistake me for my mom. I shock my aunts somtimes because ill jump into a conversation and say exactly the same thing my mom said some years befor. thats the point. It's not in some imaginary worldwhere you live forever, it how people carry you. the way you directly or inderectly affect somone life. How you make them smile, how you make them think. Life isnt about how it ends, or what happens after it ends. It's about how you live it.

I just don't know what to do.

so i wrote this in my blog... i was hopeing for some insight, help... or generally anything really. i am really at a low point right now. thats my general wondering... i need help.
My Mom died 7 years ago of cancer. I miss her very much. There are days I would love to pick up the phone and tell her about my day and ask how things are with her.

Focus on the good things happening in your life. Tell her mentally about them if it helps.

I feel for you. I'm pulling for you.

If you believe in life after death then somewhere your Mom feels for you and is pulling for you also.


I'm new and I hesitate to comment on such a sad and serious post..... So I hope you don't mind...

You said, "Times like these make me wish that I was better with words, then I could wirte beautiful poetry and make people feel what I am feeling." I think what you wrote expresses very well how you are feeling. And I am sorry for your loss.

Can I tell you what helped me after my mum past away? She loved roses so every once in a while I would buy some roses in her name and place them in a pretty vase on the dinning room table and dedicate them to her with a small prayer. I'm not a religious person but placing them on the table with a few kind words of rememberence worked wonders for me. And the smell of the roses reminded me of her.

I believe we carry them in our hearts with love. Some people believe they can look down on us or come to us in our dreams. If they do, don't you think seeing you smiling - even if it is a sad little smile - would let your mum know that you may be hurting and sad but you are going to be okay.

Think nice thoughts, be happy, plan a good life and make your mother proud.

i'm really sorry for you. but, as my mom would of said, "it's all good. everything will be alright." just tell yourself that everytime you feel bad. im sure from the way that you've talked that your mother loved you very much. im sure that she would want you to move on and not keep feeling bad. think about some of the things that make you happy. just try to get your mind off of things. i know that helps me. im new too, so don't feel like im acting like a now-it-all, please. i was only trying to help.
it cool, and for the notice... i dont care how new you are. if you have somthing to say, always feel free to speak.

everyone was new once smile.gif

My problem is that i am having a difficult time with alot of things happening, and whenever that comes about. my focus sems to shift to my mom and the usless "what if's". i.e. "if my mom was around, things would be diffrent." i dont like thinking like that, i have been trying to keep a good focus on positive things. It just seems that everything is falling apart. Ive restared some very bad old habits because of it, and i dont like that either. i just dont know how to deal with my life right now. so far this month i have been fired, sued, had the cops called on me 3 times, kicked a room mate out, had several large fights, and one of my brothers (the one that i am the closest with) is mad at me and wont tell me why. mostly because he is refusing to talk to me period. aside from that there are several small things happening (those are the highlights of the big things), and i just dont know what to do.
losing someone is really, really, really hard. but you have to face the facts, and this isn't supposed to make you actually feel better (it never makes me feel better) but at least you know that... suffering for the loss of your mom isn't going to bring her back. you know she's gone, and you might never see her, but it's always the same in the end, like you said... and there's still a lot of people that care about you, i'm sure, like the people in the forums, and more important, your family. my advice to you is, reassure yourself of the facts, and don't hide your sadness...
sorry if this wasn't helpful to you... but i tried! <3
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