Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Confused, please help
The Other Side forums - suitable for mature readers! > The Other Side forums > Personal concerns
Nemo
Hello, I have been a lurker for a while, and you seem like a fairly liberal, intelligent, and varied lot, so, with this being the only anonymous place I know of where I might get an answer, I registered.

Also, you may notice I've posted a few useless posts in Games so as to be able to post a topic, I apologize if this was spamming, but this is fairly important to me.

I apologize for any melodrama that may ensue; I'm really nervous right now even though the only people who are about to hear what I have to say are people who, no doubt, live quite a ways away from me.

Finally, it is unlikely that I shall continue a career in these forums after this topic; I'm not really a forums person. I apologize for the selfishness of my posting, but I'm not a good conversationalist anyway.

Now then, to get to what this topic is about. You might need some background. I'm a heterosexual, 16 year old, middle class, American male going to high school. My confusion lies in one of the last bits there.

"Male"

Now, throughout my life I've always sort of had a tendency to "be" a girl when I had the option. Whenever I had an excuse I would choose a female character in games, and when I first started having fantasies of a *ahem* sexual nature I would imagine myself as a girl. I, most of the time, didn't think too much on this topic though.

My parents are very conservative, especially my father, so I've always put on a display of shunning feminine things. In kindergarten, my "rival" received his title because he called me a girl. Nonetheless, in truth, I've always liked longish hair (truly long hair is a pain to take care of though), and I like wearing skirts (though I only do so on the pretense of my Scottish heritage). My father complained when I wanted to shave my legs.

In short, I think I've always felt that I would rather be female. The thought occurred to me once or twice before, but I only fully realized it recently when I began to read a certain work of fiction that takes a serious look at the subject.

However, it's not that I'm gay. Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with gay or bi people, but I'm not one of them. In a sense, I feel like a gay girl in a heterosexual guy's body.

The rub, though, is that I'm not sure if that last sentence is true, or if I just think it's true. Does anyone have any experience with this? Is it just a normal phase of being a teenager that no one tells you about? Is it possible that I'm just letting good fiction influence myself too much because other than school and my small circle of friends (to whom I could never bring myself to say all of this, though I love them greatly) it's the only significant stimulus I have? Is this something I'll grow out of and look back at later with a chuckle? Am I just stupid or mentally defective? Most importantly, what should I do, if there's anything I can do? Please don't tell me to talk to someone in real life; I could barely bring myself to write a post to you people here.

On that topic, I considered trying to get it out of my system through transvestism, but that's not a possibility for me. I look and sound very masculine, with my height being the only exception. Otherwise, I'm hairy and deep-voiced with a large brow and chin; no one could ever be fooled into thinking me a lady.

I even gave a thought to transsexualism, but, while it may work for some people, in my mind I still wouldn't be a "real" female. To quote The Sandman out of context, "It might as well be chromosomes."

Please, can anyone answer my questions? I thank you very much for any help you might be able to grant me, and I apologize for my disorganized writing style and the selfishness of my using these boards without giving anything to them in return.

Please ask if there's anything I might need to elaborate upon.

I suppose that even if I get no answers, this has served as a sort of catharsis, as I feel much less nervous about posting this at this point, though it took me an hour or so to write it all.

Thank you.

EDIT 3/23/2007: After a quick survey of a dictionary it has come to my attention that the word is "catharsis" not "catharthis."

EDIT 2 3/23/2007: Another spelling error. This time I discovered that I wrote "transvestism" as "transvestitism."
bryden42
It sounds to me like this is a case of Gender dysmorphia or transgenderism of some description. I dont have an awful lot of knowledge in the subject (other than what i've picked up from some rather sensationalist tv shows) If so I would suggest seeking some assistance with this, From what I understand this can lead to serious issues if you don't sort out where you want to be. I would suggest doing some online reading and then possibly a visit to a psycologist.
trunks_girl26
Ditto to what Bryden said. You definately sound like Gender Dysphoria-like case.

I would suggest at least getting as much information as you can on the topic, and you should at least make the attempt to tell someone, even someone such as a school counselor (who, legally, in the US at least, isn't allowed to tell your parents anything unless it's you mentioning wanting to hurt yourself or others)

And, as a side note, though you feel that you wouldn't feel like a real woman if you were transsexual, you'd be surprised what hormone injections can do to help that.
Nemo
I see.

Thank you bryden42 and trunks_girl26. I've done some online research as was recommended and, though I understand some things now, I'm also a little more confused.

I've noted that most transgendered people's stories seem to go along the lines of "For as long as I can remember I've been a scared, lonely female trapped in the body of a male" (or vice versa). On the other hand, mine goes more like "I've always wanted to be female, but it took till halfway through my teens before it really started distressing me."

So I know what my problem is now, but I don't know if I really have that problem or if I think I have that problem. I mean... I don't know what I mean. I've pretended to have a Texas accent before because of the combined facts that a fictional character I like has one and that I was born in Texas (didn't stay long, though), but I was concious of the lie that that was (that I had a Texas accent, that is). So, since I don't think I'm making this up, I think that means I'm not.

I guess the best thing to do is to just wait a few months and see if it persists. However, let me continue with this post assuming that it shall. Also, in my research, I've found that you, trunks_girl26, are correct, the results of Sex Reassignment Surgery coupled with hormone replacement, Facial Feminization Surgery, and the like do appear to be pretty astounding. However, I've noticed that even hormone replacement does not generally affect a postpubescent person's facial hair growth or voice. Both of which are some of my most major issues.

I think transsexualism does look like a possibility, though. Moreover, it would, were it not for a few things.

First of all, there's capitalistic medicine. My family, if they would even be willing to pay for such a thing, has no means by which to do so, and I'm not smart enough, creative enough, skilled enough, or charismatic enough to become rich (and even if I were, such a thing probably takes a few decades). Facial feminization alone can cost up to $40,000. Also, here we come back to the way in which my story differs from that of other transgendered individuals, it seems you have to have a very specific past and psychology to actually be allowed to undergo SRS, and I've read that even asking the wrong questions can get you rejected. Finally, the Real Life Test sort of scares me. What if you fail it? Lots of the things they do prior to that are permanant (viz hormone replacement and facial feminization), so if you fail do you just live out life as a female with a penis (or, from another perspective, a male with breasts and a feminine face)? These are all problems.

Anyway, in the meantime, if I tell anyone, which I suppose I'll have to eventually if this continues, I'd probably tell my sister. She's nine years my elder, and she's liberal and intelligent (though a bit sarcastic). In fact, she'll be a lawyer soon, so maybe she could pay for my SRS (wishful thinking). In all seriousness though, if there's anyone who knows me who would accept this, it'd be her. On top of that, the next time she'll be visiting is in a few months, so I'll have some time to figure out where exactly I stand.

If I plan to get anything done, though, I must hie to do so (relatively speaking), as I've read that hormone replacement works best before or during one's early 20's. Not only that, but I've read about people losing their jobs for being transsexuals, so I would need to get all that done during college or something.

I'm scared; I hope this really all is just in my head. With my luck, though, it's not.

To quote Shinji Ikari of Neon Genesis Evangelion, "I'm so ****ed up."

Sorry for the melodrama, and thank you for your kindness. I'll probably continue to read this topic and post responses and any new developments.

Sorry for any errors, I haven't at the moment any time to proofread.
bryden42
Ok, done some reading myself, feel a little more confident in giving some more advice. It appears to me that the fears you're expressing here are fairly logical fears to be having when faced with the kind of life altering decisions that you are looking at here. So dont think that just because you are having these fears that this disqualifies you in some way.

The only way to find out more about the psycological sid eof this would be to talk to a councilor or psycologist.

Voices can be trained, and electrolysis (whilst expensive) can sort out facial hair.

The kind of costs you are talking about are prohibitive but if this is something you need to do then the money is achievable.
trunks_girl26
I actually had a friend who is/was (she now actually believes herself genderqueer), so I learned a bit about it.

Assuming you're living in the US, there are various places (NYC and San Francisco, especially), where many transsexual-specialized therapists and doctors have practices. What my understanding is, for hormone injections at least (if not all of it), can be done for free (or a relatively manageable one), if you perform the Real Life test (which consists of a few months of living the life of the opposite gender), however, because there is a condition known as Gender Euphoria, which is a person believing they'd be happier as the opposite sex, I believe you'd need a diagnosis as Gender Dysphoria before any of those options could be considered. If you'd like to PM me about specific places relative to your location, you're absolutely free to, and if you're more comfortable doing it on your own, I definitely encourage you to do so. Every bit of information you get is worth it.

I'm happy you feel that you're able to tell your sister, as for many transgendered individuals feel that no one close to them will accept who they are. I also encourage you to keep a sort of diary of your feelings on the subject of your own progression. This can be very useful in sorting out your feelings on everything.

And, though this may not seem like a lot coming from someone in cyberspace, I promise you, you're not fucked up. There are a lot of individuals who feel the same way you do, and the very fact that you had the courage to speak about it (no matter where it is), puts you miles ahead of anyone who doesn't.
Nemo
Trunks_girl26, or anyone else who knows, could you please elaborate upon Gender Euphoria? I think we might be on to something.

Let me explain, I believe my use of metaphor (simile, technically, I believe) in my first post may have been misleading.

Throughout my life, I have often thought, "I wish I were a girl," "I would rather be a girl," or "Why couldn't I have been born a girl?" However, I do not recall at any time thinking, in a literal sense, "I am a girl."

This difference in semantics seems to be key, as the subconcious can reveal much that we do not know of ourselves. Normally, I would just google "gender euphoria," but I'm having trouble finding any resources.

Thus, I make my request, please elaborate upon what it is, what it entails, and in what ways it is similar to and different from gender dysphoria, if possible.

Also, thanks for the journal idea, I've only made two entries so far, but it's helped to make things immensely clearer. I'm going to hold it a little longer before I draw any conclusions, though, as the results are rather not what I expected.

Thank you, everyone.

EDIT 3/26/2007: I spelled "explain" as "expalin," but it's fixed now.
Mata
Apologies for the delay in answering to this thread. I would have liked to have posted sooner, but I've been having internet issues at home and this isn't really 'work suitable' things to be posting about.

In my late teens I often wondered about being female. I wondered what it would be like, and my style of dress at the time could often be considered very gender-neutral (or feminine-for-a-man), even to the point where a guy in a pub (who had been trying to chat me up) insisted I produce biological evidence that I'm male!

Perhaps it's slightly different for me because I'm bisexual, but the issue of 'what gender am I?' has been fairly strong in my life. If you want to believe psychological tests then I land either as gender-neutral or female. I think like a woman, apparently. Does that mean that I should have a female body? Well...

It's difficult. I wouldn't have had all the opportunities that I have had if I were a woman. Despite the progress that has been made towards sexual equality, I don't think that someone as eccentric as myself would have done so well growing up during the eighties and nineties. Eccentricity ('being weird' in less polite terms) means that people have to tolerate the simple fact that you don't act inside a pattern... The really strange thing is that this eventually has a greater impact on you rather than anyone else; I'll explain what I mean by that.

Being a bit different and male is tough. Sometimes it's the best thing in the world, everyond appreciates your different point of view, friends think you're more sensitive, you seem more creative than other people, but you may still have the physical presence of masculinity. At other times it's awful, you're a lumbering hulk of meat when you want to feel sexy, your senses seem dull and unable to connect to the world, around you people talk about their immersion in experiences of reality and you just can't feel like that.

The bad news is that phychologically that time marked the lowest point of my life, the good news is that it does pass. The loneliness is the hardest thing - trying to find people who understand that gender and sex are different things, or that just because you're a man it doesn't mean that you will be 'manly' (or that you want to be that).

I couldn't say that there's a simple cure-all to get through it. Maybe you really do have gender dysphoria, but to me it sounds like you're just a sensitive guy who wishes that us men could have what women are given by our culture. I think that's a big element of what it was for me; women have an entirely different set of expectations on them, from emotional states through to sex appeal (mind to body and behaviour). Men don't have such an appealing range: we're given brute force and stubble.

Where's the point of being male in this world? When you find it, be sure to tell me; however, in the meantime, I wouldn't get too concerned with thoughts of major surgery. If that's the final route that you wish to take then so be it, but from the way you write it doesn't strike me that it would really solve your troubled internal seas. Gender and sexuality can be massively difficult things to come to terms with. I still struggle with it myself, having to occasionally remind myself of how men are supposed to act so I can get on with life more easily.

When I was learning to juggle five balls I was told that it was difficult. The person I was learning from then told me that even when I could juggle five balls at once then it would still be difficult, just a different sort of difficult. It was true, and the same is true of gender. I don't think I'm ever going to do particularly well at being 'masculine', but I've learnt to be mostly okay with that. I can be very feminine at times too, and that's okay in the right circumstances. It's always difficult, but now it's a different kind of difficult; it's one that I can manage. 'Hope this helps.
Nemo
Wow, my mind has been blown.

Not only did Mata himself reply, but I think he's hit the nail on the head ever so precisely.

Mata, this is an excerpt from my journal entry yesterday; is this what you're talking about?

"Actually, I just realized, perhaps I'm just envious of the social advantages I perceive females as having. Generally speaking, I identify most with tomboyish females, and one of my favorite lines by Shuuichi(1) is "Girls got it good. They can be either." I see. So, perhaps it's not that I'd rather be female because I'm feminine, it's that I want to be female because I want to have the choice to be feminine or masculine when I want, or a combination of the two."

(1) Shuuichi is the co-protagonist of the "certain work of fiction" (a manga called Hourou Musuko for anyone who's wondering) I mentioned in the original post. She's a young, male-to-female transgendered person.

If I've understood you correctly, I think you're exactly right.

Thank you, everyone. Even those of you who have just read this, as even knowing that people were reading this softened things a little. But, I must especially thank bryden42, trunks_girl26 (along with her anonymous friend), and Mata.

I think this has been a productive experience. I've in such a short time gained a whole new understanding of an entire group of people that I knew very little about, and the more you understand people, the more tolerant you become. I feel like I've come as close as I possibly could to actually walking a mile in a transgendered person's shoes.

I mean, wow. I feel like I should have something more to say, but I don't. I might come off as if I'm exaggerating, but I'm really not, so sorry if I seem to include excessive emphasis in my writing.

I'll probably still cry sometimes, but it's a lot easier when one knows why one is crying, and isn't plagued with fear and doubt.

I'm glad I came here; I just wasn't able to stand holding it in anymore. I probably would have done something rash had I not come here.

Thank you all.
bryden42
Well, I know you said that you only came on here to get this off your chest, But dont be a starnger. Sometimes coming here and venting spleen helps. smile.gif
Daria
I'm sorry that I couldn't add anything to this thread (I have been keeping up to date with it), not having had any experience in the matter either personally or with friends- but it is so heartwarming and lovely that you have found venting here, quite so helpful. I've done it in the past, and when you read things like:
"I'm glad I came here; I just wasn't able to stand holding it in anymore. I probably would have done something rash had I not come here.

Thank you all."

it just reminds you how awesome a "place" Matazone is, and how helpful the varied backgrounds and knowledge of everyone can be.

OMG LOVED UP!

/spam?
Mata
I run this place because I enjoy it, but I also run it precisely because I wanted to make a place where people could post exactly this kind of thread without every reponse being the usual internet anonymous-bravado that is so common online. There probably half a dozen people who've privately emailed me over the years saying that eveyone on this site has helped them overcome some difficulties. They thank me, but really it's everyone here that have made it so welcoming. *group hugs* smile.gif

Nemo, don't be a stranger. Even if you only drop back in a few years to let us know how you're getting on, I always like to hear from old friends, especially ones that are overcoming challenges. It's nice to know that things have gone well - usually they have!
Nemo
Hello again. It probably seems like this is a random about-face out of nowhere, but not long after this thread ended, the exact same problems were cropping up in my head again. I've noticed that it appears to be the case that after I come out to someone, these feelings subside for an indefinite amount of time, and then rebuild themselves until I find myself coming out to someone else. I'm not really sure what I am at this point, but I'm pretty sure it's either MtF, cross-dresser, androgyne, bigender, or the thing that we originally came to the conclusion of in this thread.

That isn't really what this post is about, but it's necessary background information. Here's some more:

In mid-April I came out to my sister. She didn't react nearly as well as I thought she would. She didn't get angry or out me to my parents; she just didn't buy it. To quote as well as my memory serves, she considers transsexuals to be "sad people who are like, 'Oh, I'm unhappy with my life; maybe I would be happy if I were something else.'"

Transsexual or not, I'm insulted by that on principle alone.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I came out to my two best friends. They don't really have any helpful experience for such a case, but they've been really great and supportive. They don't mind at all.

Well, finally, just the other day, I came out to my mother. She took it better than I thought she would; she didn't just write me off, or get angry at me, as I had feared she might. I think I may have hurt her though; she says that I want to "mutilate" myself and that she's afraid of losing me. She was on the verge of tears and was pretty clearly distressed. What's worse is that she has a history of depression and even a suicide attempt. I really don't know what I can do or say to comfort her.

That's still not the core of this post, but any help on that matter is appreciated very much.

Now then, with my mother's help, I've got an appointment with a gender therapist for Wednesday. I'm hoping that a professional will be able to guide me and help me work out once and for all what I am. Hopefully, Mata's been right all along and I'm just a sensitive young guy confused by the arbitrary boundaries set on his behavior by modern society. This is where we get to what this post is all about.

My mother and I have yet to inform my father. We're going to have to after my first visit to the psychologist though, and this is a problem. You see, my father is extremely conservative, and I feel that the simultaneous use of bold and italics is justified here. He watches Fox News and western movies almost exclusively. He likes Bill O'reilly a lot. He's so homophobic that he honestly believes that AIDS is created by homosexual sex and is spread to heterosexuals via bisexuals. When questioned on how exactly that's supposed to work, he responds "Because it's unclean." I'm 99% certain that the only reason he has yet to express equally transphobic opinions is that I've yet to bring transpeople up around him.

Now then, is there any way I might be able to get him to take this like a reasonable person? I'm not sure if it's founded, but I keep having the fear that I'm going to tell him and he's going to take the very idea of me questioning my gender and seeing a psychologist for help as a personal affront. I suspect he may try to keep me from seeing this psychologist more, and he may even assign unrelated punishments limiting my access to the internet or video games or what have you. This isn't a problem, for my mother has already assured me that she would protect me from such rulings, but this scares me. What if I get them angry at each other and end up ruining their relationship? It would be all my fault! Please, anyone who has any experience with managing conservative parents when coming out to them about stuff like this, any help would be greatly appreciated. Moreover, any help from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry, I guess I've sort of ruined this thread's happy ending, but don't doubt that it's true that Matazone really is an awesome place. Without it, I wouldn't be doing as well as I am.

I'm sorry to so selfishly and redundantly ask for help, but you've all been so helpful in the past that I feel I have the best chance of getting helpful answers here. Thank you, everyone, for your aid and understanding.
trunks_girl26
Let me first say that I'm very glad you've been able to come out to some of the people around you! It takes far more guts than many people realize, and it's commendable you've been able to. I'm also really glad that many are accepting if not outright supportive of you!

Going to a gender counselor will most certainly help you figure things out as well.

As to how to come out to your father in such a way that he won't 'punish' you for it- that's a bit harder, really. If you honestly feel that he's not going to take it well than I'd have to advise that you not tell him now, but rather wait until a time when you're more stable in your self-discovery, as well as are the other people you've come out to previously. If you feel your mother might let your father know in one form or another, then I'd suggest asking to keep it between the two of you until you're ready to let him know- and when you do decide to come out to him, do it simply, honestly, and (though I know this is difficult to impossible to do) try and stay calm and keep remembering that he's you're father, but he's also human, and humans are fallible. Changes tend to be more easily accepted the more the person is around it, so hopefully your father will accept you the more he sees it (though I would advise to show him any and all transitions gradually, as that is generally easier to understand).

If you're worried about the professional somehow letting your parents know, they're not legally allowed to disclose information about the person -at least in the US- due to doctor-patient confidentiality, so that shouldn't be a problem.

And in regards to your fears of your parents fighting, I'd have to say that being someone you're not is never worth being, even when it's done in order to 'keep the peace.' If your parents aren't able to keep a relationship together, then it's no one's fault but the people in the relationship, especially not a person who's just trying to figure out who they are. I understand that hearing something like that probably does very little to keep those fears away, but I've seen people who've been too scared of other people's reactions to be themselves and ones who haven't, and the ones who haven't always seem to be happier.

-Ange
{Gothic Angel}
I just thought I'd put in something here quickly - I'm afraid in terms of the actual issue at hand, I can't be any help beyond what people have already said, I wouldn't know where to start, but what I *can* say is that it is helping absolutely nobody to continue to feel guilty about what is going on in your head and how other people react to it. You can't help the way you're made and your sexuality any more than your parents can help being heterosexual and comfortable with their gender.

Firstly, no-one here will ever think you're "selfishly and redundantly" asking for help, particularly given the personal nature of your "issues". Put that thought out of your head. (People wouldn't bother to respond if they didn't genuinely care smile.gif ) Secondly, like Ange said, whilst anything which happens with your parents will undoubtedly be horrible for you, they are their own people and their inability to cope with anything is in no way your fault. Like she said, if you really feel they can't cope with it well, then wait until things are sorted out in your head before trying to sort it out in theirs. I don't know if you've had a look back in the forum archives, but it might be worth a quick search. In terms of gender and sexuailty discussions, you'd be hard pushed to find a more balanced and wide-ranging set of thoughts and coping strategies than here.

Finally, that cycle of horrible worry followed by the temporary relief of talking it out, followed by the worry creeping in again is not something specifically linked to your confusion, so please don't think it makes you selfish or fucked up. It's a pretty normal cycle to get into when you're worried about something major in your life. It seems like you're already writing things down in journal, which is a good way to start getting those horrible feelings out, but have you tried talking it out with yourself out loud? I'm not a counselor, so I could be wrong here, but I know when I get into a cycle like that it's because I can't accept something I've done or I feel myself so I'm asking other people for their approval to take away my feelings of inadequacy when actually a more productive course would be to sort things out in my own mind, either with help or without. Otherwise I end up confessing things to people I shouldn't and getting into even more of a state because they can't keep a secret or they don't approve or whatever.

Ultimately I guess what I'm saying here is:

1) I don't think I or anyone else here thinks you're selfish, or in any way wrong in the way you feel

2) You shouldn't feel that way either, because the most important thing here is to figure out and accept what you REALLY think and/or feel so you can get on with your life without worring anymore, and help other people accept you too. (After all, it's twice as hard to accept something when the person is unsure themselves what they want you to accept smile.gif )

Blah. This was a ramble. Sorry. Hope you sort things out -x-
Nemo
Hello again.

It's almost hard to read my posts from a couple of years ago, but I guess it couldn't really be helped. I was scared. Anyway, now I'm back again to give y'all an update, partly because Mata asked, but also because I feel it would be rude to leave a thread like this without some sort of resolution (people with the same problem might find it via Google).

I am a woman, a transsexual woman. I haven't transitioned yet, but I'm hoping to start soon (my goal is full-time for my sophomore year of college). I went to the psychologist for a while, and she and I both came to the conclusion that I was transsexual. I considered transitioning then, but my mum wouldn't have any of that, so I decided I just wouldn't transition. I would go my whole life as a male and just deal with it. Of course, I pretty soon realized that by "my whole life" I meant "till my parents died and then suicide," but that didn't stop me from trying to go with that plan. I managed until only about a week ago; I was miserable the whole time, but I managed. That's when I came to the point where I was so lonely, sad, and generally self-loathing that I couldn't take it any longer. I wasn't interested in anything anymore, and all I would really feel like doing was to stare at my ceiling. So, sobbing and desperate, I tried to find help on the internet one last time. And I did. I don't really want to mention the specific place (don't want to bring trolls in or anything; I hope you understand), but there I've been able to find men and women like me, all at different stages of transition and life. I befriended one woman in particular, and in her I was able to find a friend who fully understood me and a mentor who was able to show me that transition isn't the insurmountable hurdle I imagined it to be. Really, she's been the biggest help.

I'll being going back to my therapist soon, and I expect she'll explain what I should consider and give me the letter of recommendation I should have taken when I first got the chance. I can't start Hormone Replacement Therapy all the way quite yet (I'll be in a dorm room with a guy, you see), but I'm going to try to get on testosterone blockers as soon as possible, and I'll be working as hard as I can to get in the position I need to be in to be full-time in about a year.

Let me also mention here that I feel my representation of my father was a bit unfair. While the facts are true; I frame them in a way that doesn't quite paint an accurate picture. He's very kind, and I don't think he would disown me or freak out if I told him, but I don't know if he could handle it, as he is quite old. Of course, I suppose I'll find out soon enough. I'm currently thinking I'd like to start estrogen near the beginning of 2010, and I'm going to tell him once I start that.

All of my old fears seem a bit silly now. I can see why I had them (I did have them after all), but now I understand that really, I never had a choice. Nothing that wasn't Hobson's choice anyway. I could transition or die, and that's all.

Lately, I've been happy. That may not sound impressive, but it's been a long time for me. What's more, I've actually cried tears of joy for the first time I can ever remember doing so! I know this won't be easy; it may well be the hardest thing I'll ever face. However, the very thought that I'm finally going to face it gives me so much hope for the future.

Before this, I had my whole life planned out, but now I've shaken things up and I just can't tell what's going to happen. But I don't mind. If I do one thing, I'm going to transition.

Oh, and this isn't really even relevant, but I noticed I described myself as heterosexual in the original post. Well, turns out I'm bi; I just had trouble admitting it to myself. After I admitted I was trans though, it just didn't seem like that big a deal anymore.

bryden42, trunks_girl26, Mata, Daria, {Gothic Angel}, and you (yeah you! reading this post, right now), thank you all. Thank you for this forum existing. I couldn't get all of the help I needed here, but I just don't know what I might've done if I hadn't had this place to come out to first.

Maybe I'll give y'all another update in a few years, by which point I will have been living life as myself for a while if all goes according to plan.

Now, back to practicing my voice.
Daria
smile.gif It is wonderful to read this update. Seriously- you should be so proud of yourself and how far you have come. *Massive hugs* I'm so happy for you and how this has all worked out. Don't be a stranger to Matazone!
Mata
This has really made my day.

I'm sure there will still be tough times ahead, I know it was a difficult time when I told my parents that I was bi and I think your news will be harder to break, but it really sounds like you've come on a huge amount. It's fantastic to hear that you can feel happy again, both happy with yourself and happy with the direction you are going in. I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing you the best with the transition and the challenges that you will face, and please remember that we're all here if you want to talk about any of them.

Do drop by and let us know how things go for you!

I have to admit, I'm actually very curious about this. I remember reading a fascinating book called 'Talk Dirty To Me' many years ago where a woman (I think her name was Sallie Tisdale, from memory) was exploring various aspects of sexuality, and one of the things she tried was taking male hormones. She said it made her think about sex constantly, competitive, and more prone to getting angry very quickly - she was very surprised by how much the hormones effected her mental outlook and, rather amusingly, she wondered how on earth men ever managed to get anything productive done with their lives! I've always wondered what it would be like for a man to be heading in the opposite direction. Would it be very peaceful to have less testosterone running around inside? Or do a whole new flood of things replace the feelings? Perhaps the 'fighting' part of the brain shrinks and is replaced by an expanded interest in shoes? biggrin.gif Anyway, I think it would be very interesting to hear about this first-hand, so if it's okay with you then I'd love to hear about how it goes.

Once again, thanks for the update, it really is great to hear smile.gif
leopold
Wow... sometimes I just trawl threads to see what's occuring, and just occasionally I stumble upon an absolute gem like this one.

Nemo, I'm really pleased for you. Really. What you did takes some serious courage and I'm glad you were able to take those tentative first steps right here. It sounds to me like your response here gave you strength to tell others. And your friends and mum seem to be very supportive. But I wouldn't put that down to luck, I'd say that you've got a decent support network there who love you and want you to be happy. I doubt there's anyone here who'd think any differently if one of their friends or family were to make a similar confession.

As for your dad - he may take time to come around (a lot of "manly" men do, unfortunately), but ultimately he'll see how much happier you've been and he should come round to the idea that your happiness is more important than someone else's perception. Just give him time to adjust, he'll get there in the end. And if he doesn't, well it's his loss, not yours. Be gentle with him, he's only a man wink.gif

Finding happiness isn't always a straightforward or simple thing to do. I'm sure anyone who has achieved a degree of it has had to work for it and sometimes suffer before getting there. You go for it, girl!
Pikasyuu
to agree with what everyone else has said here, this really gives me hope that more people in your situation can come to the same conclusion and finally be able to say that they, too, are happy. this is priceless to me. congratulations and good luck, i'm sure you'll be on top of the world once all this gets underway.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.