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freedom
god i feel so dam lonely at the mo

i am in a relationship with a fela and have been for a year now when we got together things were unreal he was attentive soft caring loving and open and honest we talked about everything and never hid a thing

i moved away from the life i had built and moved down to where he is based as he is in the army he leaves this year as his 22 years is up

over the last 4 months i have found out he has been lieing to me about emails that he has had and been sending to his ex who is a druggie

and he has been on dating sites

his moods have changed and he hides so much now if i ask what he is upto he gets his back up and makes out everything is me and my doing even when i caught him out lieing he still was making out that i was in the wrong and having a go at me for looking at his phone

the only reason i picked up his phone and went onto emails was we have the same phone and i didnt stop and look which one it was as i was dealing with kids and phone calls and every day life just wanted to cheack my emails thats all and found that he had been talking to his ex again

everything seems to be what he wants when he wants it and even when he asks me what i want he just over rides it to get what he wants

i feel so betrayed and lonely and feel that our foundation to our realationship was all lies and promises that he has completly shattered

everything he said he wanted he has changed his mind and it all has to be his way now

sorry for the rant just i have no family and nobody to talk to about this and it is breaking my heart
that everything i want and dreamed of is gone
-TheKasbah-
I say leave him, no matter how long you have been together, he has no right to treat you like this. But on another note, if you could like talk to him about it and kind of say that things aren't what they used to be and you want everything to be back to the way it was when yous met it might help. It would maybe make him realise that he could end up losing over something so stupid.

Your call though, hope everything turns out for the best.
Phyllis
Sounds familiar!

I've been in a very similar situation. For me, it wasn't worth it. Some people can work through that kind of stuff and rebuild their relationship, but both partners have to be willing to do what needs to be done. Yes, that involves him being completely honest with you and not getting all angry when you ask what he's been up to. He has lost your trust, and he needs to help regain it. The fact that you looked at his phone and e-mails is also a betrayal of trust, but it really pales in comparison to what he's done.

To be honest, with him acting the way he is, I would probably just leave him. Easy for me to say when I'm not the one who has to do the leaving, I know. But from what you've written here, it doesn't really seem like he's making an effort to work through the problems and trust issues with you.
Pikasyuu
I agree with cand. I've never been through this myself and I seriously hope I never have to go through it, but on that subject, you couldn't get better advice from anyone - she handled what happened to her with more dignity and grace than anyone I've ever seen. Being treated that way by a significant other is humiliating, hurtful, and ultimately grates on your sense of self. But what you do need to know is that you do -not- deserve that kind of treatment - you are better than that, and if someone you love or care about is going to take advantage of you like that, they simply don't deserve what you have to offer. That's gung ho and guns blazing, I know, but it is true. If you ultimately realize your suspicions are completely justified, please leave. There is a way to repair a relationship like that, but it takes a lot of hard work, dedication, honesty and humility from both parties. If he isn't willing to put in that kind of effort, I'm afraid you'll really have to find something better, if anything for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you stay strong. I also ultimately hope that the trust in your relationship can be repaired and that things turn out well for you, but if they don't, keep your head up. You will be alright, you will survive, and you will be happy outside of this. Good luck, again.
freedom
thank you all for your replies reading them it all makes sense but acting is so different

i have spoke to him about this at first he could see he was doing no wrong then i said that i would not put up with being treated like a mug and lied too as i have been threw too much in my life to be hurt any more

he then started to say he had done wrong and that he shouldn't have done it

the other day i went on my computer to find a site i didn't know one the history so clicked on it and found it was linking to dating sites and chat things again i asked if he knew what it was and he just said why should i know ?

later he looked at me with worry and said you still don't trust me do you ?

to that i said how do i know when you still hide things from me

i really didn't pick up his phone on purpose and look at his emails we both have n95s and i just flipped the phone pressed the messaging short cut and went to hot mail to down load any messages i had but then saw it was not my found as there were messages of his ex on there

i told him as soon as he came back in that i picked up his phone and not mine so never hid it at all i also asked why he was still emailing his ex when he said he had heard nothing in months of her

thats when i found out that he had been mailing her for months

also on valentines day he said dont do it so dont exspect anything

but he had shown me recipts for flowers that he had sent his ex when i directly asked him had he ever sent flowers to her he got his back up and said told you i dont do valintines day so i got the recipt for those flowers and emailed it to him asking why he lied to my face and also how i knew which he had forgot he had shown me the email

he wouldn't say a thing and said didnt want you to know how would you feel that i gave her stuff and not you

all i wanted was the truth it wasn't about the flowers it was the lies and being made to feel like nothing
Phyllis
QUOTE (syuu @ Apr 14 2008, 09:27 AM) *
she handled what happened to her with more dignity and grace than anyone I've ever seen.

If by dignity and grace you mean throwing things and screaming, then sure. biggrin.gif

I think they teach the "You still trust me, don't you?" line at cheating bastard school. It strikes me as incredibly manipulative. What he's really saying is "I don't want to be the one at fault here, so I'm going to try to make you feel guilty." It's crap. He is the one who needs to earn that trust, and he's certainly not going to do so by claiming that he doesn't know how some dating sites got on your internet history.

So, if I'm understanding the flower thing correctly he told you he doesn't do Valentine's Day and didn't get you anything, but he bought her flowers on the day? Then he lied about it when you confronted him? Ugh. Just ugh. I would be fuming, and I don't even celebrate Valentine's Day.

For what it's worth, my one regret is that I didn't do the leaving in my previous relationship. I'm actually glad the whole thing happened because I'm in a much better place now. I just wish I'd been strong enough at the time to say "I deserve better than you." If this guy is just going to continue lying and not even try to make your relationship work (and I'm not saying that is what he's going to do, as I don't know him at all), then you deserve better than him. Like I said before, it's easy for me to say that when I'm not the one who is actually in your shoes. It's never as simple in real life as it seems on paper.
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (candice @ Apr 15 2008, 06:55 AM) *
QUOTE (syuu @ Apr 14 2008, 09:27 AM) *

she handled what happened to her with more dignity and grace than anyone I've ever seen.

If by dignity and grace you mean throwing things and screaming, then sure. biggrin.gif


that is actually what I mean - a lack of dignity and grace in THAT situation would involve jail time and dead cheating badwordthatkidsshouldn'tknow. Grr.

and, it seems like I'm seeing repeat offenses after the confrontation? Uhh, this is really your call, but that would be a time when I'd hit the massive floor of depression knowing that it wouldn't work out. I think to make something work out after that much deceit, the response from the deceiver has to be pretty quick and pretty humble - I'm not seeing that. try to picture yourself ever trusting him again. can you see that? can you see living something semi-close to what you had before and not just loving him, but not worrying that he's talking to other women like that and hanging around dating sites? if you can't, you have very few options besides taking this treatment until everything really gets dragged out to the bitter end, or somehow finding the insane strength it takes to walk out and say 'no more of this, sorry'.

both are hard, but I think in the long run, letting this go on and on and discovering more betrayal and fighting about it will just..twist you more inside. if you're gone, not only do you get to pat yourself on the back for being an independent woman who took control of her own relationship and rose above it, but you don't have to worry about all those potentially painful little fights.
freedom
well new update and i am numb from this

few days ago i said to him that i thort i was pregnant cos of the sore boobs sickness dizzy and going of smell of stuff

in january when he was in germany for a month i had a miscarage i was only 5 weeks gone a year before that i was 12 weeks pregnant and hemorraged and nearly died lost that one too 5 years before that i lost my son at 30 weeks an hour after his birth

now yesturday at 5 weeks pregnant i have just miscarried this one took me all day to get the words out of my mouth to tell him and when i did he just lay there and said nothing left me in pain crying alone and went to go back off to sleep

so i got up and called him a heartless selfless bastard and sat down stairs crying alone

eventually he came down and i said that the foundations of this relationship have all gone and if you loved me you would have acted on what i had told you he asked what could he do what was he surrposed to do

i know the army teaches you to hide your feelings but he couldn't do a thing to comfort me nothing

eventuall i feel cos i kicked off he started being all do you need a doctor what can do

twice now i have had to go threw this alone in 2 months

all i have wanted for years is a healthy baby to end the pain and emptyness of not having my little boy here he knew that from the start i have never hide that fact that i want a child i also cant take the pill or injection as i makes me really ill and all of them the docs have tried have put me in hospital
Phyllis
I wouldn't want to have a child with someone who treated me the way he's been treating you. He doesn't sound like he'd be a very stable father.

It was probably too soon for you to start trying for another baby. I think most doctors advise waiting at least a few menstrual cycles after a miscarriage to resume trying to conceive. At least that's what I vaguely remember from the experiences of a friend of mine who had several miscarriages. And do you really want to have a baby with this guy right now, when your relationship is so uncertain? I don't mean to imply that the miscarriages weren't unfortunate -- they were. I'm just saying that maybe you should hold off on trying again until you get your relationship sorted out.

What exactly do you mean by the pill and injections make you sick? Sorry to pry, it's just that I can't take any forms of hormonal birth control either, and the reasons for that also mean I would have to be pretty closely monitored if I ever became pregnant. When the pill landed me in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung a few years ago, the doctors told me that if I ever wanted to give birth I would have to take baby aspirin throughout the pregnancy, have my INR checked regularly, and possibly inject myself with heparin (an anticoagulant) if my blood needed thinning further. It's now thought that Factor V Leiden blood is associated with recurrent miscarriages (or so says Google -- I searched because I was curious, I didn't get this part from any doctor), so if that's the reason you can't take the pill it might explain your problems with carrying a pregnancy to term. In my (very amateur) opinion, you should probably consult your doctor for advice before you start trying to conceive again.

And to be quite honest, I think your future child deserves a better father than this guy. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it would be unfair to a child to bring him/her into a situation like this.
freedom
well since having a go at him he has been alot better blink.gif

when i was 19 i got told i would never have children but after 2 months of being ill doctors ran tests to find out i was 18 weeks pregnant with emlyn my first child i bled threw out and was taken into hospital at 34 weeks with DVT ( deep vein thrombosis) was given anti cloting drugs and to every bodies surprise little emlyn decided to kill two birds with one stone and was born in 6 hours at 34 + 4 day duration he was very poorly and was in special care for a while

( i was married to their dad) then 22 months later on term i hemoraged and had jordon i was in intensive care and lost loads of blood but jordon was fine

because of the problems in my pregnacies they decided if i had another they would put me on high care and watch and scan me every two weeks threw out and possible induce labour at 35 weeks as my body is unable to carry a baby bigger than 6 lb in weight

i feel pregnant again yes i know stupid but these things happen lol

but all was not well from the start the beby had problems but after birth could have been sorted out so i went threw with the pregnancy at 26 weeks i was rushed into hospital as i was hemoraging and went into labour so my partner was given an hour to decided me or the baby say no more

finally i started to pull threw it after loosing loads of blood i was keep in and had loads of tests turned out the pecenta was circlumsized which means growing back on its self so the blood lakes burst and thats why i hemorraged

i went on till i was 29 weeks and then i had a show was taken back in to hospital and all hell broke loss i was put onto drips heart monitors and scanning machines air ambulance was called to move me with bump to liverpool hosiptal but it was too late i hemorage and went into full blown labour and gave birth to mitch at 30 weeks pregnant he was 2lb 2oz and his lungs would not inflate and i told them after 30 mins to stop and let him go so mitch died an hour after he was born

i went threw hell after that and the grief nearly took my life too but some how came threw it and came out of it a better person

5 years later fell pregnant and at 12 week they found out that the baby had died 4 weeks eariler i was booked in for DNC but again all hell broke loss and i hemorage and BP dropped suger levels went and was rushed into threater was exstremly ill for months after wards complications with me

then all this started in january again

i cant take the pill as it stops my heart and drops my BP also has made me black out and sleep so nobody can wake me the docs say it is cos my bodt cant cope with the drugs so basically if i take it i could died if i dont i could end up pregnant and died lol no win situation here told them to take out my bits they wont thou as they said i am too young for that lol

so thats about the low down on how and why

as for the other situation i am just going to have to wait and see what happens
Pikasyuu
I'm sorry if this was addressed before, but after being pregnant and having it go awry so many times, what about birth control for him? Condoms etc? I know there is no 100%, but at the very least it would slow it down.
Faerieryn
Also there are many different forms of female contraception aside from the pill. Something as simple as the dutch cap is very effective if used properly and your personal life is quite organised, and things like the IUD are inserted for long periods of time which is just as effective. I personally can't take the pill either, so I have an implant that lasts for three years. I've also used contraceptive injections which last for three months at a time. It is worth exploring all of the options, the pill being only one of.
freedom
had the injections too that put me in hospital and i got infection too the docs say it was cos my bp dropped and immunsystem stopped working effectively so all thats left is no medicated form

me and drugs that the docs give me pay hell on my body so the doc's try every way poss not to give me anything unless i go into hospital so they can watch me 24 7 lol like hell will they

feel better now i have spoken to you all about this and since i let it all out the other night he has been alot better with me just waiting to see how long it lasts this time
Pikasyuu
Wait, what about male contraception again? If you insist on continuing to have sex with him and it causes all these life threatening health risks, have you considered condoms/other male birth control? I am also skeptical of any doctor that says you are 'too young to get your tubes tied' after 22 years of marriage. I have many friends with mothers who are pretty young who have had theirs done, and it's not so much a matter of age (unless you're under age of consent) as it is a matter of you being old enough to make that decision legally. So, I'd find another doctor as that's your call.

I am glad things are better though. smile.gif
freedom
well i am going to call doc's on monday see when i can get an appointment and see what they are going to try again if anything

over here they wont do the male pill lol

got the week end alone as my boys are at a friends for the weekend ( first time since the xmas ball in december) so if i can get him to talk about this we can talk openly with out the boys hearing

he is millatry and has done 22 years so he switches off from life and just does his thing so some time easier said than done to get him to talk but will do as something needs to be sorted as it is me having to go threw this all the time not him and after now loosing 4 babies 3 in 4 months my head is hurting and need him to understand a few things
Pikasyuu
I don't mean the male pill, I mean condoms themselves - simple..condoms. They usually encourage either that or having your tubes tied if giving birth is so stressful on your body. The way you describe it, I can't see any doctor condoning continuing to have sex with no birth control whatsoever, especially since not only is your life at risk, but so are all the lives of any potential children you plan on trying for. I really stress either option - condoms or a hysterectomy(sp?), having your tubes tied, something, because the way you're going, I can see one of those extremely risky times resulting in your death, and that would be terrible.

That's good that you had some time alone with your husband, though. Are things looking up any more?
freedom
we had a nice weekend but still working threw things i still don't know the out come to this but if he can start to make the steps in repairing the damage he has done then i will give him that last chance

as for the other matter i can work out the dates to when i could conceive and just dont have any sex around then at least then nothing will happen
Daria
QUOTE (freedom @ Apr 23 2008, 10:52 AM) *
we had a nice weekend but still working threw things i still don't know the out come to this but if he can start to make the steps in repairing the damage he has done then i will give him that last chance

as for the other matter i can work out the dates to when i could conceive and just dont have any sex around then at least then nothing will happen



What is your problem with using condoms?! The rhythm method is far from being accurate, especially if your body has gone through so much stress with miscarriages and the actual stress you are going through at the moment. Your ovulation cycle will probably be turned on its head right now, and after the hassle you have had with failed pregnancies, I am sure your body is just not ready for another right now.

Why do you want children so much? Does the thought of having a baby make you feel more valid as a woman? Do you just want something from the father that will love you unconditionally, unlike the man himself who seems to treat you like rubbish? I'm sorry if this comes across as being harsh but I just can't understand what your aversion is to using such a simple form of contraception when it could potentially save your life, and those of future pregnancies. I can understand just wanting to have a pregnancy that works, having a baby and being able to look at it and feel such love towards it- but it seems like you have a VERY long way to go both in your life and that of your partner before you should consider having more children.
Phyllis
Does he refuse to wear condoms or something? Honestly, if you can't be sure that he's been faithful, you should be using condoms for STI protection as well as birth control.

Like Daria said, your ovulation cycle will be completely screwed after a miscarriage. The rhythm method is likely a very bad choice for you right now. I wouldn't recommend it in general for most people, as it requires a LOT of dedication to be effective.

There are also female condoms available. And the sponge. And contraceptive foam. There are a TON of non-hormonal options that are available to you.
freedom
yes i do want another child not my other half if it happens he says and doesn't wish it like i do

the reasons for the are ovisous to those who have gone threw nearly the whole pregnancy and then had thier baby die in their arms 1 hour after wards so it is like a adicition in some ways but one that iam almost in control of as i waited 5 years till the height of the pain and loss had dimmed somewhat before i decided that i was ready

he hasn't played away and i know that one for sure as i had smere done a month ago and std would have come up on that and also he hasn't been any where but here cos he is doing his resettlement now so is at home with me more times than away

as for him not doing condoms in fact that is me i hate them and they make me sore as hell too so we dont use them and that is my choice also there are ovulating kits that i have used too that pins down exactly when your ovulating so i know when not to do anything

my other half has done some stupid things and i am not defending him over them as what he did was hard to handle and i feel betrayed but as for his father skills he has two children of his own and loves them deeply and bends over backwards to be there for them and he has taken on my two children too and does so much with them takes them out plays with them and does everything thier dad should be doing with them so there is nothing wrong with the fathering skills there

what he has done has hurt me yes but i can not fault the way he is with our children one bit

he gave me space last night so i could sort this out in my head once and for all and put an end to it one way or the other as it is not fair on either of us or our children so today we will know what happens
Pikasyuu
QUOTE
that is my choice also there are ovulating kits that i have used too that pins down exactly when your ovulating so i know when not to do anything


Yes, but didn't you recently say 'I think I'm pregnant again'? And didn't you also say that you'd had several more terrible pregnancy mishaps recently? And..that you -do- want to have kids, despite the risks and the many that you've lost? It doesn't sound like the ovulation kits are working, or that you even want them to work. I'm sorry. I'm younger and I've never tried for a child, so I can't understand the desire you have to become a mother again despite all the near death experiences and horrible child loss you've gone through - it just seems like a lot of pain for something that you may not be able to achieve. When is enough enough? I don't understand the logic between putting your babies lives and your life at risk when there is an extremely low chance you will even carry TO six lbs, let alone have that baby survive outside the womb.

Have you considered adopting? You were very fortunate to have two children in the first place.
freedom
after my son died i had loads of tests and again after i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and all have come back clear that there are no problems and that there is no reason that i can't have another ( as i have had 2) healthy baby

as for not under standing maybe thats cos you cant till you been threw it and i when never wish it on any person but ask any one that has been threw what i have and they will say the same that there is an overwelming erger
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