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Pixelgoth
I am beginning to realise that dating has it's own set of rules that before now I have had no knowledge of and I am not sure I ever will! sad.gif

I need some advice on whether a guy has lost interest or not. unsure.gif

He hasn't returned my last two texts and he ignored me on facebook when I sent him an IM.

After our 1st date before Xmas which went really well he suggested we meet up again after his holiday and before mine (this coming Saturday), we kissed and he seemed keen. We were supposed to meet up this week and he's not contacted me. My last text to him was Friday and I don't want to send another one in case I sound needy but I don't want him to think I'm not interested.

I get the impression that he's met someone while he was skiing and he doesn't know how to tell me.

TBH I'm not really that bothered as we've only had one date but I just hate the not knowing. If he's not bothered why not just say so? I would. It's not easy but it's the nice thing to do. He's friends with my friend and he seemed like quite a nice guy (and so she and her mate also said) but then I thought Ryan was a nice guy and look what he did! rolleyes.gif

Why do I keep attracting men with no 'balls'! mad.gif

I'm totally working on assumptions and I am paranoid after Ryan treating me the way he did so perhaps I'm just jumping to conclusions. Should I send another text letting him know when I'm free and play dumb or should I just keep quiet and assume that if he's interested he'll contact me? unsure.gif

BTW I'm hormonal so things seem much worse than they are but I hate being made to worry about something like this when it's SO not important in the grand scheme of things. Que sera, sera an' all that smile.gif

Advice PLEASE smile.gif
Mata
Tricky, and it very much depends on the kind of man he is. The texting thing could be many things - if he doesn't reply then that may mean that he's not got credit, the texts got to him when he was in the middle of something, he doesn't check his phone often, he's rubbish at replying to texts, etc.... Anyway, if it was just that then I probably would try not to read too much into it.

The Facebook IM thing is more suggestive that he's trying to avoid a tricky conversation; however, it's not definite. My system's at work can be grumpy about the Facebook IM code, sometimes it will let me log in, other times I'll be logged in but it'll be kicking up an error. That's not so likely though, I think.

Now, I obviously don't know this guy, so it could be that he's a complete technophobe, or typically male and rubbish at keeping in touch even with people he wants to talk to, but I suspect that's not likely. The evidence would suggest that it's not something he's looking to continue, but it's not 100%.

You mentioned mutual friends: have you tried talking to them? They might be some help about what's going on.
Pikasyuu
I suggest you wait until he contacts you. If that doesn't work, I think you should tell him to f**k off.

That might sound harsh, I know, but Pixie, after everything you've been through so far, you shouldn't settle for anybody that doesn't treat you like a herd of cherubs carry you around from place to place. At this point in your life, the best is all you deserve - plain and simple. Wasting your time with somebody who can't be bothered to return a couple of texts is an insult to who you are as a person. Unless he sends one apologizing because he's stuck in the mountains alone and with no food or rescue, don't give him any more than he gives you.

Honestly, I'd say the same thing unless you were telling us that he'd just bought you a dozen roses and started serenading you outside your window. You're too good for silly headgames like that.

(and what Mata says. that sounded pretty rational. i'm just being protective. >_>)
Poppa Moo
I'd definitely agree with Mata on the whole mutual friends point. I'd 100% try that route if you can. Being a blokey myself I'm trying to think as if it were me.

He may be in a circumstance that he may not be able to reply (such as no credit). And with Facebook, he may have been logged on but was he actually sat at his computer when you were trying to contact him? (Apologies, I'm one of the 3 people in the entire world who doesn't use, or know how to use Facebook).

Have you thought about just asking him straight out for a yes or no answer? He might be feeling as though he will have to explain himself, which only means that he doesn't want to hurt you. Men are cowardly creatures and will avoid have to explain themselves at every opportunity IMO, me included. So if he doesn't feel as though he has to explain himself he might be more inclined to text back.
Smiler
Hmmm, all sense above. Ther may be a twinge of the warries on your part but it may just be worth riding out to see which way it goes, albeit it's not an ideal holding state. I know I'm unreliable on responding to texts and work's funny about stalkbook usage, (he may have no connection at home).

Subtley sounding out any mutual mates may be a good idea. Otherwise, if he knows you're on hols it may be worth sending him a message that you're off Saturday and might try to message him again when you're back, give him a chance adn don't look back after that.

But then I'm also rubbish at the 'signs' thang sorry huh.gif
Pixelgoth
Thanks for all the support/protection/advice smile.gif I spoke to Ed (my ex and one of my best friends) last night too and he said to just forget about it but maybe send 1 more text and see what he says.

I also texted our mutual friend and she said he was a nob for treating me like this but had no idea why which didn't help so I decided to send him one more text which basically asked if he wanted to meet up this week or not and no worries if not. He got back to me late morning saying he was sorry he'd not been in touch but he was having post holiday blues. Possibly a really lame excuse or valid one I'm not sure?

I asked if he wanted to meet up or was he too busy and he said he wasn't busy so I suggested tonight or Friday and he chose Friday. Personally I've still got the feeling that he want to tell me to my face that he's not interested and I don't really want to spend 12 getting into London only to be told that. It occurs to me that I asked him 3 times by text if he wanted to meet up and he never actually just said "yeah are you free on Xday" even though he did actually respond.

Mind you I'm going away the following day so if that's the case I can just say OK well never mind and see you around...or not....nob laugh.gif

Ah well, I'll see how I feel on Friday after I've arranged what we're doing and see if he bothers to text me before then.

Like I said before, it ain't worth the hassle right now and he's not the only attention I've had recently so I'm not too downhearted smile.gif

It might be good to have a back up plan if does say something like that so I can escape and have a drink somewhere else to cheer myself up? smile.gif
Smiler
Fair play. Either way it might not pray on your mind then over the hols. Might meet a nice Aussie...
Pixelgoth
QUOTE (Smiler @ Jan 14 2009, 08:32 AM) *
Might meet a nice Aussie...


I'm counting on it wink.gif AND a nice Kiwi and American and Singaporean and any other nationality that crosses my path

*pauses for breath*

Sorry laugh.gif
Aislinn Faye
QUOTE (Pixiegoth @ Jan 13 2009, 05:10 PM) *
I don't really want to spend 12 getting into London only to be told that.


See, but how cool would it be, if you did get told that, stopped into a bar like you said, actually met someone you *really* hit it off with, then X years later you're happily married with X kids. smile.gif
Smiler
Erm... I think I saw that movie once wink.gif

Heehee, true, that would be awesome.
Pixelgoth
Good point guys smile.gif Another friend also mentioned a similar thing. Basically I'm not going thinking that too much will come of it. If it doesn't then I won't be disappointed and I would like to be mates with the guy as he gets me and he's nice to talk to/confide in. If something does come of it then it'll be cool smile.gif

I'm just impatient and I want to know now what's going to happen.

Note to Self: Must remember que sera sera motto for 2009 laugh.gif
Pixelgoth
Well needless to say the guy was true to form and a total loser so he's been written off. I did indeed meet a nice Kiwi AND an Aussie and some lovely people all over the globe biggrin.gif

I do now need some advice. What's the general consensus on sleeping with and/or getting back together with your ex?!? unsure.gif

I'm sure it's probably ill advised but I just can't stop fancying the guy sad.gif How do stop fancying him and be friends with him?!?!
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Pixiegoth @ Mar 5 2009, 01:14 PM) *
How do stop fancying him and be friends with him?!?!


Wait, a really long time. In the mean time, find other people to fancy.

*makes self extra special attractive*
leopold
I'm quite the pragmatist when it comes to exes. My rule is simple: Don't go there, it's a world of pain just waiting to happen.

Whatever split you up first time will do it again and again, until one of you gets the idea and moves on. Trust me on this; for every person that tells you it worked for them, there's thousands who've been screwed over time and again by it. I've yet to meet anyone who managed to make that work. It just won't; people don't change and whatever annoyed you about him will rear its head again some day and it will bug you all over again.

As for sleeping with an ex... I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt, but there's little point couching it in fluffy terms: It does come off as being a bit desperate. Just because you can have sex with him, doesn't mean you should. Your life won't end if you don't. Having sex with him is just going to prevent you from moving on with your life and away from the crap that you've had to deal with lately. Please, just do yourself a favour and don't go there; you won't be doing your self-esteem any good if you do. Yeah, and listening to me being blunt will laugh.gif

It's really tough to stop fancying an ex. That physical attraction doesn't go away just because you've split up. What's more, when the ex finds someone else, it feels like you've been betrayed. I've been there, it hurts. SPS is right, leave it a long, long time, find someone else, move forwards. It's the best way. No, scratch that. It's the only way.
Pixelgoth
QUOTE (leopold @ Mar 6 2009, 11:20 AM) *
I'm quite the pragmatist when it comes to exes. My rule is simple: Don't go there, it's a world of pain just waiting to happen.

Whatever split you up first time will do it again and again, until one of you gets the idea and moves on. Trust me on this; for every person that tells you it worked for them, there's thousands who've been screwed over time and again by it. I've yet to meet anyone who managed to make that work. It just won't; people don't change and whatever annoyed you about him will rear its head again some day and it will bug you all over again.

As for sleeping with an ex... I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt, but there's little point couching it in fluffy terms: It does come off as being a bit desperate. Just because you can have sex with him, doesn't mean you should. Your life won't end if you don't. Having sex with him is just going to prevent you from moving on with your life and away from the crap that you've had to deal with lately. Please, just do yourself a favour and don't go there; you won't be doing your self-esteem any good if you do. Yeah, and listening to me being blunt will laugh.gif

It's really tough to stop fancying an ex. That physical attraction doesn't go away just because you've split up. What's more, when the ex finds someone else, it feels like you've been betrayed. I've been there, it hurts. SPS is right, leave it a long, long time, find someone else, move forwards. It's the best way. No, scratch that. It's the only way.


All good points and I'll be blunt that yes it was rather blunt. I understand where you're coming from but you'll excuse me if I take a step back. It sounds like it didn't work for you and you got really hurt by it. I'm not saying I'm going to go straight off and do it. I have done it. We talked about it after I posted this and decided we'd just be friends and see what happened in the future. I still really like the guy and there were external circumstances which may have attributed to us having problems. I'm not making excuses just wondering if now that external factors have changed whether things will be different hence the taking a step back and being friends. I hope you understand where I'm coming from too and aren't too blunt with your reply? smile.gif

And SPS thanks for the offer LOL LOL LOL wink.gif
leopold
Ah... see, I've never been one to pull punches with tough advice. I don't see any point in dressing it up, because it loses impact and/or meaning. If someone asks my advice on something and I think they're going to get hurt, I'll just tell them. I figure that any twinge of hurt or anger they feel towards me is going to be a drop in the ocean compared to what they'll get if they pursue their potentially doomed course of action.

Of course, the thing with advice is that it can be freely given, but it's up to the recipient whether they decide to take it on board or not.

I've never got back with an ex, and I've never slept with an ex. I've tried to remain friends with two of my exes, neither of which turned out well. I guess to pull that off requires a level of maturity and/or inner strength that I didn't possess at the time. Maybe I don't have it now, either, but I've no intention of finding out wink.gif

Anyway, good luck with it Pixie. You've obviously decided this is the best course of action and I hope it pans out for you. But if not, then never fear, I'm sure things are on the up for you right now. And remember, there's one other thing you can count on from me, besides the tough love: I'll never be a smug bastard who says "I told you so" if it goes awry.
Mata
I might not go as far as Leo, but I personally wouldn't advise sleeping with or getting back together with exes. I've slept with old flames after we've split, and it's gone both ways. The good time was when we were both very clear that it was something that we didn't expect to evolve into anything more - it was sex for fun with a good friend when neither of us expected (or perhaps wanted) anything more. The lack of complexity in the break-up made it easy to step back into for the night.

... However, I have also had a one-more-time with another ex that didn't go very well. It wasn't a very tidy break-up and I think there were some pretty raw feelings on both sides. We don't talk anymore, not because of that night but it was just another nail to make a painful situation worse. We would have been far better off leaving it alone.

As for dating again, I would very seriously think about the reasons you split in the first place and how you felt while you were dating. Do you want to return to that situation? Was it really good? Would you want anything to be different? That last question is really important, because it would be very easy to fall back into old habits, so you'd better be sure you liked them or that you would be able to resist them.

As for how to stop fancying exes and become friends... I don't think that ever really passes, you just get better at accepting it and slowly your love for them turns into happiness for them when good things happen. Do I still fancy some of my exes, including the ones I'm friends with? Yep, but they've got their own relationships and I've got mine. Times have changed since we were together. Maybe now, ten years later and if we were single again then we could get back together, but that's more because of the changes that time has made to us - it would be like dating again for the first time.
Pixelgoth
OMG I just don't know WHAT to do about it all. I just can't think straight about it.

One minute I'm thinking it's all gonna be OK if I just go with the flow and don't force anything and the next I'm wanting to ring him, confess my undying love (well not quite!) and ask him to be with me again. I'm all over the bloody shop.

I don't know what to do. I really wish I did. I'm sick of worrying about stuff like this.

Everytime I think of something reasonable something unreasonable rears it's ugly head and vica versa sad.gif(
vicrawr
Sounds like you need time and distance?
Pixelgoth
The weirdest thing has actually happened to me ohmy.gif Although I am still hurt and sad about it I did see him on Friday and after spending some time together I actually felt much better and wondered what all the fuss was about. I really don't understand it at all. It's very odd. I went from wanting to be with him to actually not. It was like I'd had some sort of weird spell over me or someone flicked a switch and I woke up wondering what was going on! I'm hoping this is a permanent state and I won't be tempted to go back. I agree time and distance is a good thing and I pretty much intend to have that now. I still want to spend time with him but perhaps only with other people so if there is any temptation to jump into the sack when I've had a few beers I can stop myself...or get a friend to remind me of the bad reasons for doing it smile.gif

Sorry for being such an odd ball biggrin.gif I really can't explain it. I'd put it down to hormones but it isn't that time of the month laugh.gif

I would really like to organise this damn meet though as I'm missing all my Matazonian friends and would really like real life hugs as virtual ones are all well and good but nothing beats a damn good group hug biggrin.gif
leopold
Hmm... Sounds to me like your brain is going with your gut instinct. The reason most of us have these quandaries is because we over-think them. Sometimes, it's best to go with what feels right rather than trying to rationalise it. And you're not an odd-ball, I think we all go there sometimes, try to figure out what's best. Over-thinking again, see. I guess most people have that sensation of having no idea what to do, and then when the situation does present itself, you find yourself doing the right thing without even realising it. It's the gut instinct again. Heed it well, for it usually knows what to do.
Aislinn Faye
QUOTE (Pixiegoth @ Mar 15 2009, 05:51 PM) *
I still want to spend time with him but perhaps only with other people so if there is any temptation to jump into the sack when I've had a few beers I can stop myself...or get a friend to remind me of the bad reasons for doing it smile.gif


I know this is gonna sound odd... but if you can't help but do some sexy snuggling when around him, don't shave your legs if you know you're gonna see him. It's the greatest chastity belt.
Pixelgoth
QUOTE (Aislinn Faye @ Mar 16 2009, 03:24 PM) *
QUOTE (Pixiegoth @ Mar 15 2009, 05:51 PM) *
I still want to spend time with him but perhaps only with other people so if there is any temptation to jump into the sack when I've had a few beers I can stop myself...or get a friend to remind me of the bad reasons for doing it smile.gif


I know this is gonna sound odd... but if you can't help but do some sexy snuggling when around him, don't shave your legs if you know you're gonna see him. It's the greatest chastity belt.


Ya know ordinarily that might work but he really doesn't mind hairy (ish!) legs! laugh.gif

Cheers guys. I'm all over the place at the moment. I just wanna bury my head in the sand and forget about it all but it doesn't want to go away. Things will get better. I'm just impatient and want to move on but something is stopping me. I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash....as they say biggrin.gif
Mata
I don't think putting him in your washing machine will help.

Although it might do.

Yeah, give it a try. smile.gif
tekkiegurl
just be yourself and enjoy the date
Smiler
Methinks the lady did think too much. Light switch moments are great (unless they aren't). True one for timing I'm on the back end of all this but fronting up to your thoughts and keeping distance at the same time was good advice wink.gif

BTW If you're doing a wash but your head's in the sand does I think the resultant sandy wet look might find you catch...
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