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Vicarious
Hello everyone. I'm new. Which is probably painfully obvious by the way i'm (probably) posting in the wrong area.

Just wanted to rant a little really. I've been at Uni since late September and have realised that i'm really stuck in a rut. I spend all my time on the phone to friends back home (most of which are moving on with their lives) or with a select few people who i'm close to. Everyone else seems to have tons of friends and are going out all the time and i really just have no motivation to meet new people, go out...do anything.

I certainly havent always been like this. I'm really outgoing and loud (obnoxiously so, probably) so i dont understand why all of a sudden i just have no desire to do anything with anyone or meet new people.

I'm just stuck in this bloody rut of sleeping, eating, sleeping, eating and can't seem to find the motivation to do anything.

I'm not really expecting advice. I know i'm just being lazy and i could join clubs, go out and be social, etc.

I just feel very lonely. And very far from home.

*bangs head on desk*
Sir Psycho Sexy
I sorta remember where you're coming from, it sucks. Go get a bar job, they're always fun, it will force you to be sociable, will earn you money and, more importantly, will wean you off that life (read: phone) line to back home.
Daria
This is exactly in the right place. Newbie points!

And hey! Guess who else moved to uni and doesn't have much of a social life?
How far did you move? I moved from London to Aberdeen, after living with my boyfriend since December 06. I totally understand the feeling of being very far from home, and missing friends. I also decided to live on my own, as I didn't want to be the bitchy one who told the others in halls to tidy the f*** up after themselves, and it was only when my mum pointed out how lonely I seemed that I realised I was. It just had never occured to me: I always have my laptop on, connected to IRC and chatting to friends. It doesn't really help that I work from home: I don't even get to see people as you would if you worked in a café or a bar or something. And of course, because I chose to live in my own place, by my own, I have to work about 20 hours a week to barely afford everything. All of this amounts to me not having any time to go out, and when I do- no money or energy to.

Have you considered talking to a counsellor at uni? They're trained to help out with such a number of different aspects of student life, and from how you describe it you seem a bit low. You can talk to them about how you miss home, and about maybe taking smaller steps towards getting to know people and being more sociable.
I have made a few friends at uni- the closest of which I met at a pub on campus when I went for a drink with a couple of other friends just after Freshers week. I hate that pub- it's too small, plays awful music and is always hot, but I went because I felt I ought to make more of an effort to seem friendly. The friend I made was there for the same reason, only with her group of friends, and we got chatting because each other looked bored.

Basically, you never know what is going to happen and you are sure to find someone you click with at some point smile.gif
Vicarious
Thanks guys <3

I guess i do sound a little low actually. I guess i just like my own company!

Thanks for the advice and for telling your story, i'll take it into consideration.

Andddd, i moved from Reading to Portsmouth. So really really not that far at all!
Mata
I hit a similar real low point mid-way through university. I'd been in a very intense relationship since I started and the girlfriend was ratehr anti-social and had driven away the few people who had tried to make an effort to get on with her. I was left knowing no-one, working unsocial hours in an off-license and a book shop, and all the people I vaguely knew were set into groups of friends. It wasn't easy to get involved in their groups because I was always the outsider by that point.

Slowly, it got better - I would go out to pubs and drink cheap non-alcoholic drinks and read a book. After a while I got to know a few people, chatting with people who seemed interesting or who looked a bit bored too. When university came to an end I found that I knew lots of people around the city. While most people see the end of university as the end of their social life, as all their friends spread out across the country, for me nothing much changed because my social life wasn't tied to the university.

Throughout uni I found that I was viewed as being a bit different - I was a bit more engaged with the course content than many, a bit gothy in the days when that was considered really weird, and I had done an art foundation course so I was a year older and had a bit more of a mature head on my shoulders. In life, these things have finally worked to my advantage, but it was a long time to be considered an outsider.

There was a plus side to it all - it meant I had lots of time to study, so I worked damn hard on my course and ended up getting a first class honours degree! More seriously though, it was a very low point for me and I remember how hard it was to work up the effort to go out and find new people to talk to. Meeting up with people online was a help too (but of course the usual advice stands - meet in public places, preferably with company, and always let people know where you're going, who you're meeting with, and when they can expect to hear an 'I'm okay' update).

... All this said, you might actually be surprised over the next few months. I remember that for the first few months of university there were lots of people who seemed to all believe that they had all met their best friends for the rest of their life... By Easter all the small differences in personality had begun to come through and people started looking outside of their first-fond friends for new people who they can get on with more naturally. Take it easy, be open to offers and maybe make a few yourself - ask a few people to go out for a drink with you or over to your house to watch a film. I spent a lot of evenings watching films and drinking wine with friends at uni and it seemed to work as a good bonding experience.

Goining offline (phone and internet) more often can sometimes help too - maybe you need to make a conscious decision to cut down on the virtual time and talk with people on your courses?

Oh, and 'hi!', welcome to my forums!
Daria
QUOTE
... All this said, you might actually be surprised over the next few months. I remember that for the first few months of university there were lots of people who seemed to all believe that they had all met their best friends for the rest of their life... By Easter all the small differences in personality had begun to come through and people started looking outside of their first-fond friends for new people who they can get on with more naturally. Take it easy, be open to offers and maybe make a few yourself - ask a few people to go out for a drink with you or over to your house to watch a film. I spent a lot of evenings watching films and drinking wine with friends at uni and it seemed to work as a good bonding experience.


This is very true: a friend of mine has recently found out that a large proportion of the group of friends she had made don't really like her all that much, and don't want to move in with her. She was pretty devastated, but I guess that's what happens when you're part of a hive of friends instead of smaller groups/ individuals.

And Mata, you're still seen as being a bit odd and weird. But we wouldn't have it any other way biggrin.gif
Vicarious
Thank you <3

aww, shucks. You guys are all so nice tongue.gif
Daria
QUOTE (Vicarious @ Feb 8 2009, 04:57 PM) *


aww, shucks. You guys are all so nice tongue.gif

Yep! You are more than likely to find people here are utterly lovely. See the No Disagreeing thread biggrin.gif
Moosh
QUOTE (Daria @ Feb 8 2009, 08:51 PM) *
QUOTE (Vicarious @ Feb 8 2009, 04:57 PM) *


aww, shucks. You guys are all so nice tongue.gif

Yep! You are more than likely to find people here are utterly lovely. See the No Disagreeing thread biggrin.gif

Apart from Daria. She kicks puppies tongue.gif
snooodlysnoosnoosnoodle
I too lived alone for the first two years of uni and there isn't really a happy ending to my story from that part of my life. I ended up hating uni and finished the course purely out of spite - put as little effort in as possible and used the majority of my energy in my fourth year hating the city I was stuck in.
I never made any friends at uni (I haven't spoken to anyone I knew from uni since graduation day) and I deeply regret that I don't have any friends from that part of my life. HOWEVER I did make a lot of friends through this here forum and I value those friendships very deeply and knowing these people has made me who I am today.

What I'm saying is stick around here and you'll make friends for life but at the same time you need to make the effort to meet people at uni or you will regret it in the long run.
Mata
I don't really have any friends from my time at uni either. I think there's only one that I've arranged to see in the past decade, and she was only in the same year as me for about six months. I'm not sure if I regret this. I guess I am a bit envious of the great time many other people seem to have had at uni, but I'm also aware that there really just weren't many people there who I had much in common with. I learnt to be a lot happier with who I am, and I think that put me in good stead for life afterwards. I don't regret the lessons I learned from that, though they weren't much fun to go through.

I met one of my best friends (who is currently my housemate too) in the year after I finished uni. Like me, he'd gone through a bad break-up a few years before and it had knocked him for six for a long time too. He once said to me: 'Where were you when I was sitting in my room feeling lonely?' My answer, of course, was 'I was sitting in my room, feeling lonely!'

My main point I think is that it's still pretty early days for uni friendships, and the next few months are turning points, so keep your eyes and mind open and you might find there are other people out there who don't feel like they're bonding either.
leopold
I think my Uni experience was a bit different. I didn't really have so many ties to home, but then I didn't move too far away either (Manchester to Sheffield). Because I got in through clearing, on a completely different course, I missed out on the student residency and ended up in a shared house on the rougher end of the city. The people I shared a house with were a mix of locals and students on different courses. I made friends with them, then my fellow course members, and then their housemates, and so on... In my second year, I could just go out on a whim, to any place of my choosing, and pretty much guarantee meeting a group of people I knew.

In my final year, after spending a year on placement in a very lonely bedsit, I made a conscious effort not to share a place with people off my course - I'd seen too many people fall out and end up isolated. I did the same thing again when I worked in London, I just picked up a houseshare somewhere and took my chances. And ended up sharing with three rather pretty drama student girlies. Result biggrin.gif

In my day, however, we didn't have such thing as tinterwebs or mobile phones, so staying in constant contact with home wasn't an easy job and cost a small fortune in telephone calls. So I just didn't bother, apart from the odd letter. I figured that anyone back home who wanted to stay in touch would make a similar effort. And they did - and I still see them regularly 15 years after I finished Uni.

I'd suggest you lay off the chat rooms for a while. Your friends, if they are like me, will be concerned that you're spending too much time with them. By all means keep in touch, but doing it too much will mean you don't move on and make new friends.
Faerieryn
My university experience was very different in my first year. I had friends all over university. In my second year though all of that changed when I started seeing a bloke that I worked with. I lost contact with virtually everyone. I now only really keep in contact with about 5 people- one of which is my fiancee- but even they are far off contacts. I agree with what people have said about finding people to talk to. Whether they be people at the SU or just people on your course. I found being on a module with a lot of group based interaction meant I HAD to at least make colleagues if not friends. If you want to go out and meet a specific type of person most unis have huge amounts of clubs and societies to join, but if you're not a joiner there are still places you can meet people with similar (or dissimilar if you like variety) interests
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