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Pikasyuu
most people on here know i have a tattoo memorializing Dayan on the left side of my chest - it's pretty simple: two blue/yellow hibiscus flowers with his name underneath. i got it in mid-2006..because it was something important to me. for whatever reason, i didn't feel like remembering him was enough and i felt a void outside of what it was to miss him so much in the first place. it might sound strange, but it is comforting to have it there. i feel like it's a visual representation of one of the largest/happiest/saddest and most catastrophic events in my life.
people i've dated have (well, one boyfriend) taken issue with the fact that all of that happened and they feel either uncomfortable or intimidated by the fact that this person, because they happen to have died, can do no wrong. i didn't give it any thought until my mother made a comment along the lines of, 'wont other boys you date think it's weird that you have another man's name on your chest?'
my instant response to that is that if they do, they aren't for me. but should i be worried about this? i'll never regret the tattoo, but the idea that it would be a source of discomfort for other people seems very strange to me.
vicrawr
I'd be uncomfortable if my SO had another man's name tattooed on her chest that wasn't a relative of some sort. Even then. But you're special. And I'm the jealous, self-conscious type. So...wow, that didn't help at all.

What did/do/will you tell them when/if they see it?
Phyllis
Hmm. I'm not sure I can give an unbiased answer, since Dayan was my friend, but I shall try.

Okay, I'm imagining that moop was in a similar situation, and had some other girl's name tattooed on his chest. And, honestly, I don't think it would bother me. In order to be happy with someone, you have to accept his/her past -- deceased former flames and all. I might feel a little intimidated early in the relationship, but I don't think it's something I'd even tell him. It'd just be one of those silly little insecurities that I'd talk about with a friend to get it out of my system.

People have names tattooed on them all the time, and I'd much rather my partner have one like yours than, say, the name of a psycho ex who is still very much around and bothers us constantly. I wouldn't worry about it. I think that anyone who is worth being with will understand how much the tattoo (and Dayan) means to you.
SPEAKERfortheLOST
I can try to answer this unbiased... but I'm likely gonna fail at that. Here goes nothing:

You should never regret doing anything in your life. If you feel strongly enough about something then by all means available do what you feel is right. Of course there will be times in your life when some people will, at the least, disagree if not be completely opposed to some of your choices.

Dayan was an amazing person by all accounts. He should be remembered. You were touched by him in ways that many here will never even begin to understand. You choice to get tattooed will be with you until you die and the tattoo rots away. Sure, the tattoo will tell you that Dayan was real constantly but there is a point when being reminded of him becomes worshiping him. You have to decide where to draw the line there and understand that there will be individuals that draw the line elsewhere.

Syuu, you will know what is right and wrong when the time comes. The question is, will you let the wrong influence you.
Tarantio
People don't like being reminded of their partner's previous relationships, I can speak for that first hand. Guys especially (in my experience) don't like being "compared" to previous partners, even when they're merely perceiving this to be the case. This happens whether they really care about you or not, its just natural human insecurity. A visual reminder would make it tricky to deal with, especially one so personal, but by no means does that go to say you shouldn't do it.

Its my belief that any theoretical partner should learn to come to terms with this; I know for sure there are people in my life who have a similar place in my heart that Dayan has in yours, and while I don't have tatoos of their names, neither would I go into a relationship and abandon those feelings; they're part of what makes me who I am.

Dayan is a part of you, a very integral, beautiful and honest statement of love, and if anything it should show people just how much you are capable of caring for someone. Your partner should appreciate this; if they honestly care about you, they should care about everything about you, whether they're comfortable with it or not. That said, it's something that would naturally make people uncomfortable, so as long as they try to not let it get to them perhaps you should, in turn, accept their discomfort and help them through if they have a hard time with it.

In an ideal world, everyone would be able to admit so openly to caring for someone as you have and wear their heart on their sleeve (or chest, as it were). Mind you, that might get quite boring rather quickly, so perhaps its a good thing that people are flawed after all.
LoLo
I can see taking issue with it if say the person is still alive, still able to be there and have the ability to influence you away from someone new and different. I think if Dayan was just an ex, some guy that you had his name tattooed on you because you thought you would love them and be with them forever (which is the reason I think most people get their significant other's name tattooed on them), that having the tattoo and not wanting to cover the name up could cause an issue, because it might mean that you still had feelings for this person.

However, since this was not the reason for the tattoo, since it's your memorial of Dayan, his life, and his effect on you, it really shouldn't make a difference. In the first scenario I can understand the jealousy that might ensue, but that would be coming from insecurity and may not be a person you want to be involved with. On the other hand, everyone is insecure in some way and if you hold everyone accountable for insecurities they may have, you're never going to find anyone. Of course if someone is so insecure as to be jealous of someone who is dead and no longer able to be a part of your life, I think that is a bit too insecure to be involved with. I do think you are correct in thinking that the right person will understand and if they can't then they're not the right person.

Edit to add: And as far as Dayan not being able to do wrong, well yeah he's gone so he doesn't have the opportunity to do wrong anymore. When someone is gone from our lives it is perfectly natural to reflect on the good things about that person. If someone does take issue with this fact they may be thinking that you are comparing them to your perfect ideal of Dayan and not letting them be a person who makes mistakes. With that in mind you may just need to let them know, you're not comparing them to Dayan, that they are someone different and you'll be with them as they are. You can also let them know Dayan made mistakes and was human too, but you like to focus on what it was that you loved about him when you remember and reflect on his life.
CrazyFooIAintGettinOnNoPlane
QUOTE (syuu @ Jan 19 2010, 04:57 AM) *
most people on here know i have a tattoo memorializing Dayan on the left side of my chest - it's pretty simple: two blue/yellow hibiscus flowers with his name underneath. i got it in mid-2006..because it was something important to me. for whatever reason, i didn't feel like remembering him was enough and i felt a void outside of what it was to miss him so much in the first place. it might sound strange, but it is comforting to have it there. i feel like it's a visual representation of one of the largest/happiest/saddest and most catastrophic events in my life.
people i've dated have (well, one boyfriend) taken issue with the fact that all of that happened and they feel either uncomfortable or intimidated by the fact that this person, because they happen to have died, can do no wrong. i didn't give it any thought until my mother made a comment along the lines of, 'wont other boys you date think it's weird that you have another man's name on your chest?'
my instant response to that is that if they do, they aren't for me. but should i be worried about this? i'll never regret the tattoo, but the idea that it would be a source of discomfort for other people seems very strange to me.

Here's my 2 cents as someone who didn't know Dayan personally...

I think your instant response is reasonable. Yeah, its going to be strange for them but if you explain what it is and what it means to you then they should respect that. It has nothing to do with them, like you say it's a reminder of someone you meant a lot to you and of a part of your life you want to remember. It's not a tattoo of your irreplaceable soulmate who your bf will always be second best to, and anyone who can't grasp that (assuming you tell them!) probably isn't worth dating. It's their problem not yours and it definitely isn't something that you should worry about.
Pixelgoth
My ex had a tattoo on his back of his initials and his ex fiancees as she died of cancer when she was 21. It didn't worry me even slightly. He was with me now. I know he had (and still has) a special place for her and he wouldn't have been the sort of person I cared about if he didn't feel strongly for that other woman. My Mum commented to me about it and asked if it bothered me and I said "No. To be quite frank she isn't around anyone and isn't an issue". I liked the fact that he felt so dearly about someone he was prepared to have their name tattooed on him. If we had stayed together I'm sure he would have had something similar for me but I wouldn't have been offended if he never did.

I can't say that if someone doesn't see it that way then they are narrow minded because what affects one person may not affect another. If you are happy with it then whomever you chose to spend your time/life with ideally should also be and if they aren't then it's something you have to think seriously about.

Can I ask what you would do if someone asked you to have it removed? How would that make you feel? Would you do it for someone you loved? You have to ask yourself if your partner was so deeply offended by it are they the sort of person you want in your life?

All my tattoos, bar one, are memorial ones which is sad but if anyone ever asked me to remove one or was offended by them then I would know they weren't the right person for me. Happily no one has ever been out and out offended by my body art thankfully smile.gif To be honest though I tend to hang around with, and am attracted to, the sort of person who embraces tattooing.
Pikasyuu
QUOTE
Can I ask what you would do if someone asked you to have it removed? How would that make you feel? Would you do it for someone you loved? You have to ask yourself if your partner was so deeply offended by it are they the sort of person you want in your life?


If it was at the very very very beginning of the relationship and the person asking didn't really know better, I might consider letting it go as an error in judgment - however, if the relationship had progressed a lot and this suddenly came up, it would probably be a deal breaker. I hate to say it, but if you're that close to me and can't understand how deeply a request like that would hurt me, I'd have to re-think why I was wasting my time with you in the first place.

Every other reply was great and really helped solidify my idea that there's nothing wrong with my tattoo. Thanks to everybody. <3
Cath Sparrow
All I have is pretty much what other have said which is it's a memorial to someone you cared for and not to someone who's still around so if they have a problem it's theirs not yours. Also if the issue is about him not being able to wrong because he's not around, just point out that he did do wrong by taking himself out of your life. Because he did do that to all the people on here that knew him and cared for him.
craziness
I agree with Tarantio, of course Dayan will always be a part of you, but I can see how this new guy can feel threatened by your tattoo. That, however, doesn't mean you should have it removed. A lot of people have tattoos memorializing those who they have lost. If this guy feels so threatened by your tattoo, he clearly has some issues of his own. He is insecure and not confident in himself enough to accept that you will always have a place in your heart for Dayan, but that you are mature enough to have moved on and be able to date him. No one should expect you to get your tattoo removed. But to be fair, I can see how the prospect of another man's name tattooed to your chest is daunting. Make sure this new guy knows that your heart is open to him and you are able to accept him into your heart, but that doesn't mean you can't still have a spot for Dayan. There isn't a limited amount of love that you can give. You should be allowed to keep loving Dayan. He is not a threat to this new guy, he isn't here with us anymore. Maybe things would be different today if Dayan were still here, but he isn't, tough luck for this new guy if he can't handle that.
Industrial Kybosh
Someone that insecure wouldn't last five minutes with you, sis, and nor should you give them the time. If they don't like the tatt, they know where the door is.

It was a beautiful gesture, by the way. He deserved to be memorialised, and long may his memory stay with us.
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
I imagine that another man may feel uncomfortable initially, but if he cares about you, he should at least be willing to listen as you explain. Perhaps over time he'll accept the tattoo and understand where it's from. But this might take quite a while.
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