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Pixelgoth
I need advice smile.gif

I went to Chicago and hooked up with a guy out there. We met in October last year but didn't really get a chance to spend much time together. I spent 10 days with him (yes I know that's not enough time to get to know him either) and we had a WONDERFUL time biggrin.gif At first he said he didn't want a long distance relationship but as time went on we got on better and better. We left it with "no promises but he would love me to come back in December" which I intend to do. He said he misses me and we email every day and we are due to Skype later today/tomorrow.

Has anyone got any experiences....good hopefully but I need reality checks too. Currently I am taking it that we getting to know one another properly (like dating) via email, FB and Skype. I am aware he lives 3000 miles away but have always wanted to move to America and wouldn't rule it out should things progress but I'm trying not to jump the gun. I am, however, a horribly romantic person and tend to see the 'movie love' side of things which can be crushing if it doesn't work out. I am also, according to my counsellor, a control freak with abandonment issues (my words not hers) which obviously doesn't help! laugh.gif

Any hints and tips would be helpful smile.gif
Daria
Openess. Be open about everything: talk about things you've been feeling, if you're narked off by something silly they've done- even if you think it's nothing and you'll stop being annoyed about it soon, what you did in your day. Everything. Something we found with having a long distance relationship is that everything counts and because you're not seeing them on a day-to-day basis (we went from living together after 2.5 months of seeing each other at weekends, to living 600 miles apart) you don't get the same body language readings. Or any at all, to come to it. So when you're being a bit grumpy because of some throwaway comment, instead of them seeing how you are and go "What's up? I'm sorry", you get more and more grumps at them and it ends up becoming a Thing when it needn't have been.
Having a point to look towards. When it's open and there's no date in sight that you know you're going to see them again, it's not great. When you book trips in advance, it helps: even if you've had an awful day and just want a hug from them but they're not around, you can still go "it's ok, it's only [x amount of time] until I'll see them".
Talk to them in different ways- e-mail, skype, text (you could use DM on twitter because of the distance thing), letters, leaving a note hidden for them to find when you're at theirs. It goes with the whole "tell them everything" schtick.

As for the moving? If it feels like the right thing to do at the time, it is. If it later turns out that it doesn't work, or you don't want to live with them or in the US, it doesn't matter- the time you did have and were happy counts for everything.

Hope this helps in some way smile.gif
Hobbes
I've never had a long-distance relationship that has begun in "real life", so I don't feel especially qualified to reply. I think it is very different to have that physical interaction at the start, compared to it starting online. Daria's points regarding openness seem like incredibly good advice in all relationships, but certainly in one that - as she says - is often devoid of body language.

To be honest, I would generally advise against long distance relationships. But it would be massively hypocritical, because I've had the odd one or two (or three or...), and have recently-ish found myself sending emotions a little too far away than might be sensible. So, really, I should keep quiet on the subject smile.gif
Phyllis
Warning: I am probably going to sound like a huge hypocrite in this, considering how I met my husband. You said reality checks would be good, though, so here goes!

Realistically, very, very few long distance relationships work out. Mine led to pretty much the best thing to ever happen to me (aww, sappy), and if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing, but long distance is hard. Skype helps, but it's a poor substitute.

International long distance provides its own set of obstacles. Immigration...well, it's generally just a good idea to bank on it being a lot harder (and loads more expensive) than you expected, no matter what your expectations actually are. If things do go well between you and you manage to get a visa and all of that stuff, there is also the culture shock aspect of things. It hits everyone differently (some people don't get it at all), but visiting a place is, of course, worlds away from living there. I used to go to a forum for American expats living in the UK, and a lot of the people who posted there ended up moving home within a couple of years. Also: always, always be honest with immigration officers. Don't say, "I'm visiting a friend" when the person you're visiting is actually your boyfriend. If they find out you lied (even if the lie is just a teensy omission), they won't be kind about it. Quite a few women on the expat forum were denied entry to the UK because of this sort of thing, which of course made actually immigrating here more complex for them.

Becky's advice about openness and having a set date to look forward to is all very good. Without an end to your time apart in sight, things can get very depressing, very fast.

I wouldn't actively discourage someone from pursuing a long distance relationship, but I wouldn't particularly recommend one, either. It all comes down to whether you're happier with the limited contact of long distance than you are not being in a relationship with him/her at all, I suppose.

If you end up falling madly in love with the person, then I do think the hassle is worth it, even if it ends up not lasting. smile.gif
Daria
Yeah, I forgot to add to my post: long distance relationships are s**t. Like, really. But they are infinitely better than not being with someone you love.
voices_in_my_head
I think the biggest thing in my experience of a long-distance relationship was just keeping in touch. It's helpful to get a routine going, or at least it was for us. for example, I would ALWAYS call and leave him a message before I went to bed and on my breaks at work, and he would do the same for me. Suprises are good, too. I used to randomly put together books of doodles and random thoughts and mail them to him every once in awhile without warning. It's one of those stupid, small things that end up meaning a lot.

however, I had already been dating my boyfriend for a year and 1/2 before he moved, so I imagine that helped.
But for real, Daria's advice about saying everything is important. You'd be suprised just how much information is missed from not interacting face-to-face.

QUOTE (Pixiegoth @ Sep 5 2010, 03:54 PM) *
I am also, according to my counsellor, a control freak with abandonment issues (my words not hers) which obviously doesn't help! laugh.gif


Side note, your counsellor sounds like a B****
Pixelgoth
QUOTE (voices_in_my_head @ Sep 7 2010, 06:33 PM) *
I think the biggest thing in my experience of a long-distance relationship was just keeping in touch. It's helpful to get a routine going, or at least it was for us. for example, I would ALWAYS call and leave him a message before I went to bed and on my breaks at work, and he would do the same for me. Suprises are good, too. I used to randomly put together books of doodles and random thoughts and mail them to him every once in awhile without warning. It's one of those stupid, small things that end up meaning a lot.

however, I had already been dating my boyfriend for a year and 1/2 before he moved, so I imagine that helped.
But for real, Daria's advice about saying everything is important. You'd be suprised just how much information is missed from not interacting face-to-face.

QUOTE (Pixiegoth @ Sep 5 2010, 03:54 PM) *
I am also, according to my counsellor, a control freak with abandonment issues (my words not hers) which obviously doesn't help! laugh.gif


Side note, your counsellor sounds like a B****


Actually they were MY words (which is what I meant to type) so sorry about that laugh.gif She's actually great and been really helpful

Thanks all for your frank and honest advice smile.gif

I am trying to be realistic. As is he. We skyped on Monday and it was lovely to hear his voice. I'd forgotten how darn sexy he sounds....and IS biggrin.gif He said he missed me being around and asked when we could Skype again so we've arranged another 'date' for this weekend. We send each other emails every day too and it's fun finding out stuff about him and telling him my stuff too biggrin.gif Stuff isn't very descriptive but he's the kinda guy I can just say anything and everything to blush.gif

Anyhoo, thanks for the advice and yes if I get annoyed at him I'll tell him (see above) but nicely obviously.

We discussed when he was thinking of coming over and it looks like he might pop over in January because his other options was December and I'm probably going to be going there then. Bit stupid if we missed each other biggrin.gif So December is when I'll look forward to. While enjoying what I have going on here in between that. I don't want to wish my life away smile.gif

I agree that it sucks to stop trying to be with someone just because it's long distance but I will try to remain levelheaded...try smile.gif

I live in hope because if we don't have hope we have nothing smile.gif
Pikasyuu
out of curiosity, why do you want to move to the US? just because of him? i feel like a british citizen moving over here (like Jonman did) might have a lot of lifestyle changes to face that wouldn't be too terribly pleasant. i'm not digging on my own country because i do love it, but insurance, healthcare, and things like that do work very, very differently. our unemployment rate is also ridiculous and our economy, while slowly on the up and up, was trashed by our previous president.
craziness
ugh. long distance relationships. i have been in a bunch of them. do i recommend it? no. would i do it again? of course i would, if i met the right person. i think you just have to follow your instinct and be prepared for the worst.
Pixelgoth
Syuu - no he isn't the (only) reason I want to move. He's the cherry on top of the massive 'moving to the US' sundae that I hae wanted to consume since I was about 8! smile.gif My first visit to the US pretty much made me love it and then my numerous visits after that...ten all told so far...have further cemented it in my mind. I am aware of the poor economic situation you have as I have relatives living through it out there. My Uncle has just been given the remission all clear with cancer so I know how expensive health care is too sadly. Thanks though for your cautionary stance and it not being like it is on hols. I know it wouldn't be the same as just visiting the country and I guess I won't know WHAT it will be like until I do move. Also I wouldn't just up sticks and move someone that far away if I hadn't tried it beforehand by living there for a bit first. Having said that, I'm a live-your-life kinda gal and would just go ahead and do it (once I was able) and then if I didn't like it come home. I am a firm believer in only regretting things once you've done them at least once rather than regretting not doing something smile.gif I appreciate your candour though smile.gif

And yes it's bloody hard and I miss him and it's not even like we've agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend but we've just spoken on Skype and he's calling me again tomorrow when he gets home from the Bears game wub.gif

I do appreciate all your advice though as that's kinda why I asked wink.gif Thanks guys ((hugs))

If the worst does happen and it doesn't work out (and I'm swinging between that and being hopeful) then you'll all find out soon enough smile.gif
Alexis J.
Long distance relationships don't last. This is like an unwritten rule.
elphaba2
All relationships don't last, until one does.
Daria
QUOTE (elphaba2 @ Oct 24 2010, 03:38 PM) *
All relationships don't last, until one does.


<3
Pikasyuu
Proficient guppy is a cynic.
There is a lot that goes into a relationship. A lot. You need to rate sexual compatibility, emotional compatibility, can you live together, can you give one another the space you need - but the pattern that I see most in successful relationships is when a couple does not OVERDOSE on one another. Long distance can be good because you learn to appreciate each other more - there's a sense of longing for the other person, so that when you finally do satisfy the urge to see them, you're focusing on them - not that annoying thing they do, not that irritating bald patch, but them in all of their good, you-love-it glory. Too much time together will destroy compatibility whether you're soul mates or not, so, before you use a generalization like 'ld relationships usually fail' (which is, no offense, stupid considering HOW MUCH context you need to define every single ld relationship ever) think about how many way too close, you're breathing on me, oh it's you again relationships fail.
SPEAKERfortheLOST
[spam]

QUOTE (Pikasyuu @ Oct 24 2010, 06:00 PM) *
ld relationships usually fail


I had to reread that a couple times till I read it correctly... I kept thinking you were saying Id (psychological definition of really basic desires) instead of Ld....

[/spam]
Daria
I'd like to add this:
^____^ today marks four years since Wytu accidentally referred to me as his girlfriend.
snooodlysnoosnoosnoodle
QUOTE (Daria @ Oct 25 2010, 07:32 PM) *
I'd like to add this:
^____^ today marks four years since Wytu accidentally referred to me as his girlfriend.


Is it really only 4 years?

Either way, congratulations!!
elphaba2
The "accidentally" makes me all *cute*. and gives me hope for the Boy Who Is Too Many Hours Away.
Pikasyuu
gfggf
Daria
Haha, Snoo. Feels like an age since I slept on his hand in your room biggrin.gif
Elphaba: we were having an awkwardish conversation a couple of days after we'd slept together. I was going to ask him what "we" were, when he mentioned talking to his friend Emily about his girlfriend blah blah blah. I laughed, and said "well, that's answered my question..." and he got all flustered and funny and started to say that we don't have to if I don't want to *flapflapflap*. He's still a cutie happy.gif


Congratulations for your ball-growing, Syuu biggrin.gif
elphaba2
SO CUTE. Yay syuu!

also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThIiNa_9uCM

(the boy is coming! man, ain't that news!!)

Hem, Objective Hat on--the wonderfulness hiding inside of the Giant Ball of S--t that is the long-distance relationship is how Positively Giddy you get when you're going to see each other. Sam Cooke's been in my head all day!
Pixelgoth
Well it's been almost 3 months and we're still speaking almost every day and we Skype about once a week, sometimes more if we have time biggrin.gif It hasn't been an easy 3 months as I'm a constant neurotice who thinks that he is just being a friend and not really in to me but I guess guys just don't make that sort of effort if they're just being friendly or don't want anything more laugh.gif

Anyways, I've booked my flight and I'm flying out in 17 days time!! *runs around all giddy with stupid grin*

Who knows what will happen now....good GOOD things I hope but we'll see smile.gif
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