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Mata
I had a long chat with a friend yesterday about flirting and how difficult it is. She told me about an experience where a girl had apparently been flirting with her but only became aware of this long after the moment had passed for anything to happen between them. I've also been told that I've sometimes had people throwing themselves at me and I've been completely oblivious.

I also know couple of exceptionally attractive women who are never approached for dates. Instead, anyone interested in dating them approach the women's friends - I think that these people are probably thinking 'she's stunning, I bet she gets approached all the time, I'll check with her friends first to see if she might be interested because I don't want to be just another sleaze hitting on her because she's beautiful'. In the meantime, the only people forthright enough to approach the women tend to be often be a bit sleazy and not entirely nice people to date. The women end up dating unpleasant people because they're the only ones with the self-belief to skip the flirting and take a more straight-forward approach.

Flirting is so hard to judge - no-one wants to push themselves on another person, but no-one wants to be too open and get hurt themselves. I sometimes wonder how on earth we ever survive as a species.
BigMistake
As a species I think we started with knocking women with a wooden club. No wonder flirtings hard!
LoLo
I rarely notice when I'm actually being flirted with. Usually if I notice anything I think its more wishful thinking that I was actually being flirted with. If it's blatant enough for me to notice, it usually results in me watching my feet. It doesn't really matter too much now though. lol

I have been accused of being a horrible flirt myself though, when I'm talking to someone I'm disinterested in or someone that I'm just friends with and comfortable talking to. It's hard to tell though, because I don't think I'm flirting. I guess it just kind of comes off that way because it's a good conversation and I'm having fun with it. It makes you wonder about the whole flirting thing though, if all it really is, is a comfortable fun conversation between two people.
Mata
I do think that flirting is an important part of communication - it's a mutually flattering activity. I also think I'm probably much worse at it with people whom I'm genuinely interested in xD
BigMistake
QUOTE (Mata @ Sep 23 2012, 04:21 PM) *
I do think that flirting is an important part of communication - it's a mutually flattering activity. I also think I'm probably much worse at it with people whom I'm genuinely interested in xD


I think a lot of us are Mata. It's a curse.
Pikasyuu
i'm pretty sure i'm really good at it, but rare is the occasion where i put any effort into snagging someone. biggrin.gif
i should add that flirting is insofar the only part of snagging someone that i am good at. anything physical is either awkward, or i haven't done it yet.
then again, if Mata's still single, i could always realize a childhood dream..

(that sounds creepy)
Yannick
I always get accused of flirting when I'm not. >_> This was particularly awkward one time when this guy and I were playing a game of escalation, and someone I actually found attractive walked up to us, and was like "You guys are making flirting so complicated. Just tell each other you think you're hot already! It's that simple!" I really wish I would have told her that she was hot at that moment. Mreh.

But yeah, any time I actually like someone that I don't already know, all I can manage to do is fumble around with my fingers and worry about if I'm making the proper amount of eye contact. It's awful and flirting doesn't even seem possible.
Hobbes
I think being on the receiving end of flirting can be difficult because you don't necessarily know for sure that the other person is flirting with you. You might think to yourself, "Yep, I've definitely become the object of this person's adoration". And then you step it up a notch yourself and discover that, actually, they were just being friendly and now it's you that's made a fool of yourself.
Mata
Oo, yes, I know that one. A couple of months ago I was exchanging flirty messages with a friend, and when we met up we took things further. After that she told me that she had never expected anything like that to happen... So apparently I was completely misreading the flirtiness, but it worked out well anyway biggrin.gif Nonetheless, that doubt is always very tricky.

If both people are interested there's still that little bit of play where you're checking things out:

Well, I might if you might...

Well, we could then, you know, if you want to...

Do you want to?...

Er, do you?...

We could...

Sometimes someone has to go out and just say things, but ironically that's often not very sexy unless it's done really well biggrin.gif Oh, we are such silly creatures.
Hobbes
Essentially, unless one of the two is actually forward enough to make a significant move, things can "not happen" for quite some time. It's whether either party has the confidence to do it, or is happy to take the risk of potentially being the one that gets shot down.

Out of all those people in our past that we've really rather liked but never said anything outright to, there's probably a decent percentage that could have actually responded positively if we'd gone ahead and said something. But then, most of us just aren't programmed to behave that way.
Mata
I look back and realise that was the case quite often, I suspect. I'm working on that smile.gif
Pikasyuu
i have a laughably chronic habit of telling people i like them sooner and sooner into the 'are you sure?' process (because i am incredibly fickle), but it never fails that they've JUST gotten a significant other a week/a few days/twelve hours before i said anything. at this point in time, it's more amusing than anything. sadly, it's led to a few bad choices on my part and i seem to have learned my lesson. that said, the feeling of having even an unfulfilled crush/flirting with someone is so much more fun than being indifferent to everybody romantically. i had a crush on one of my cosmo teachers that i would NEVER act on, and the fun of casually flirting was more than enough to help make school more bearable. i'm incredibly easy to please, apparently.
Lurker in the Park
Talking to girls, fine. Talking to girls I'm interested in, not fine. I spend way too much time doing a self-analysis while I should be listening/talking. I'm also working on the whole 'You know what I like you and I'm going to tell you and I can manage if you're not interested' thing. 'No' is not the worst word in the English language. Actually, I've been single for so long I've got a sneaking suspiction that 'Yes' might be, simply because I'll be so surprised I'll fall over and that would be embarassing.
Pikasyuu
self analysis will kill any flirting or socializing asap. kill it dead.
Mata
Oh gods yes. Never stop to think. That way lies madness and dragons.
voices_in_my_head
Figuring out if someone is flirting with you or not is difficult enough on its own, but what I think is worse is when, after you've decided that they are indeed flirting, you have to figure out what *kind* of flirting it is. Is it...."I really believe we have a connection" flirting, or "I just think you're cute" flirting, or maybe just some plain ol' "just-for-sh*ts-and-giggles" flirting.....or even better, "I hope we fall madly into bed with each-other" flirting?

gah.

Yannick
This guy taught me how to skip the flirting Saturday night. Apparently, you're supposed drink some beer and then make out in a jacuzzi. I find this preferable to the awkwardness, so am stealing his method. That is all.
BigMistake
QUOTE (Yannick @ Oct 24 2012, 02:36 AM) *
This guy taught me how to skip the flirting Saturday night. Apparently, you're supposed drink some beer and then make out in a jacuzzi. I find this preferable to the awkwardness, so am stealing his method. That is all.


Yeah, that sounds like a decent way.
voices_in_my_head
Having alcohol and/or a Jacuzzi really negates the need for flirting at all.


...maybe I should just look into getting a Jacuzzi. Nobody in their right mind would turn that down.
Mata
In the absence of a jacuzzi, having a really awesome corner bath can work really well.

So I've heard. happy.gif

My recent approach seems to be working out well. If I like someone and would like to kiss them, I tell them. It usually gets a slightly surprised expression, then a thoughtful one, then a 'Mm... Yes, okay'. I've had one person say 'no' too, but that's okay and we still talk and we're just friends. It's rather fun really. I know it's a bit blunt, but I'm going with the theory that confidence is cool, and there's really nothing to lose (except perhaps a little dignity!).
Yannick
ph34r.gif matacanikissyou ph34r.gif

Yeeah. On a serious note, I've found that I'm much more likely to respond positively to a kiss if someone just leans in and does it. I've only pushed away once, but that's because it legitimately looked like he was going to bite my face. When asked, I'll usually be surprised, and then get an awkward "Uh... No..." out.
Pikasyuu
it depends on how it's asked. confident and impish usually gets a yes, awkward and insecure will usually get a no.
Yannick
QUOTE (Pikasyuu @ Oct 25 2012, 11:23 PM) *
it depends on how it's asked. confident and impish usually gets a yes, awkward and insecure will usually get a no.

shhdon'ttellmata
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Yannick @ Oct 25 2012, 08:49 PM) *
QUOTE (Pikasyuu @ Oct 25 2012, 11:23 PM) *
it depends on how it's asked. confident and impish usually gets a yes, awkward and insecure will usually get a no.

shhdon'ttellmata


i'll try not to, you sultry minx you wink.gif
Mata
*plots evil schemes*
Yannick
Uh-oh.
Pikasyuu
so, in reverse psychology flirt language, are you flirting, izzy? >:3
does uh oh mean 'ask me! ask me if you can kiss me in an impish yet confident way!'?

in all seriousness, there is always the ball busting, pushing them down in the sandbox, pulling their pigtails style flirting. aka, you 'pick on them' because you like them. i had this method used on me in high school. a boy stole my backpack and caused all sorts of chaos in that i needed, you know, all of my books and things like that, and there was a meeting with the dean and a whole big mess. he told me he did it out of affection roughly 8 years later. i feel like this is a very non-effective approach unless you eventually come out with an emotional confession of your unyielding and all encompassing love to the other person before the 8 year mark passes.

i ball bust all the time with male co-workers, but not the ones i find attractive in ~that~ way. it's more the older brother types i like to prank and pick on..i hope they aren't getting the wrong idea. ph34r.gif
Yannick
QUOTE (Pikasyuu @ Oct 27 2012, 02:24 AM) *
so, in reverse psychology flirt language, are you flirting, izzy? >:3
does uh oh mean 'ask me! ask me if you can kiss me in an impish yet confident way!'?

Nopes, a sincere "Uh-oh". We've already established that I can't flirt, and gawd forbid its on the internets for everyone to see. >_>
Pikasyuu
i'm sure you do better than you think tongue.gif you can be pretty charming!
Yannick
QUOTE (Pikasyuu @ Oct 27 2012, 01:52 PM) *
i'm sure you do better than you think tongue.gif you can be pretty charming!

Nyawh, can I kiss you instead? :3
Pikasyuu
if you are asking in an impish and confident way, yes~
Yannick
Oh, you know I was. wink.gif I'm totally gonna remember this if I ever meet you in real life.
Mata
+ webcam = profit
Pikasyuu
how much profit, exactly? ;;i stroke my new webcam equipped laptop;;
Yannick
I think if it's enough profit to fly me to Vegas and give me money to gamble with, then...
Witless
Only advice I have.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Frankly, I think I've forgotten how.... Isn't it just talking and showing an interest in the other person? I'm rubbish at that.
vicrawr
When I flirt I make it really inappropriate. That way if it doesn't work, it's still hilarious. Am I right ladies?
Phantom
I usually never notice when people flirt with me. The only people who seem to be interested in me single or not are drunk old men lol
It does depress me XD
For my feeling it takes a miracle for me to get someone that I like to like me, it has happened and it's awesome but usually I
end up dating man or woman that I don't fancy that much but have a great personality.

When I was a teenager I was good at flirting and playing the game. Now I'm just awkward. I do just bluntly say that I like someone.
For me eye contact usually helps and slowly getting closer to someone, when they slowly back off you know it's not something you should initialize.

I love a good snog though.
Lurker in the Park
QUOTE (Phantom @ Nov 25 2012, 02:17 AM) *
I love a good snog though.

I think this is a position we can all get behind.
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Lurker in the Park @ Nov 25 2012, 09:51 AM) *
QUOTE (Phantom @ Nov 25 2012, 02:17 AM) *
I love a good snog though.

I think this is a position we can all get behind.


not so much behind. maybe against a wall?
Lurker in the Park
Utterly O/T for this thread, but I've tried the over the shoulder technique aka Snog-at-a-gig. It sort of works, but it's quite height dependent and the front person gets a crick in their neck. You also feel like you need a tongue extension.

Back on topic: based on last night, I think the world should operate like a traffic light party. My knack for picking the attached ones is unerring in it's accuracy.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Slightly related, I guess. When you're walking along the platform at the station and your eye keeps darting over to someone. The point at which they notice and smile is the point at which it would be a good idea to go and say hi. Right?
Lurker in the Park
QUOTE (Sir Psycho Sexy @ Nov 26 2012, 08:42 PM) *
Slightly related, I guess. When you're walking along the platform at the station and your eye keeps darting over to someone. The point at which they notice and smile is the point at which it would be a good idea to go and say hi. Right?



Only if you're not in London.
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Lurker in the Park @ Nov 26 2012, 09:20 PM) *
QUOTE (Sir Psycho Sexy @ Nov 26 2012, 08:42 PM) *
Slightly related, I guess. When you're walking along the platform at the station and your eye keeps darting over to someone. The point at which they notice and smile is the point at which it would be a good idea to go and say hi. Right?



Only if you're not in London.


Awwwwww! But she was really prettyyyyy! *pout*

Moot point, I kept on walking. tongue.gif
elphaba2
Man, I dunno--maybe it is because I am in Spain right now, but as a lady I prefer to be flirted with anywhere but public transit. You're sort of trapped and if you're not feeling the guy it's a terrible imposition, with his interest in your sexy bits trumping your right to go to work unmolested.

I know most ladies are probably still into the "if you're pretty enough you don't have to do anything, men will just appear and fawn over you and then you have a boyfriend" sort of pursuit model, but wouldn't it be a million times better if you'd been in that situation and totally secure in the notion that she'd send over a little paper airplane with her phone number on it (or that you wouldn't potentially ruin her day and/or faith in doodz by approaching her yourself?)

GENDER THINGS.
Pikasyuu
i agree. it's a really unfortunate side effect of society that we/women have to worry about things like that.

that said, a smile and acknowledgment seems like a green light - at the very least, a yellow light. when i'm in situations where i'm uncomfortable or feel vulnerable like public transit, i will not make eye contact, wont smile, and do my very best to look like an angry person who desperately wants someone to give her an excuse to beat them to death with any concealed weapons. or just a fist, maybe. i certainly wouldn't smile at a strange man if i feared him coming over to talk to me. the bitch vibe is a very underrated weapon. fortunately but unfortunately, in a society where we're expected by a certain percentage* of men to be walking talking** sex vending machines, an unruly and unfriendly girl is such an effing turnoff that it repels men in all directions. unless you get those ones who are all like, 'smile more baby!'

i understand that this is an attempt at being polite, but one runs the risk of telling someone who may have a legitimate reason not to be smiling..to do so. for their benefit.

but yeah, a harmless interaction where both parties are letting on with body language that they're comfortable and they seem to be respectful of each other? that's win-win no matter where you are.

*no, i am not lumping all men into one category. i am so so aware that not every man is an ignorant jerk, especially because the majority of men i know personally are the opposite - there's an even lower amount on these forums. but the sad reality is that there is a group of men that do think this way, and that reality is something that we/women are familiar with and usually prepared for because they happen to be very vocal.
**talking optional and frowned upon by said group.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Huh... I didn't expect that sort of response. I feel like I might've mollested her by accident now...
elphaba2
Meh, who knows. It is kind of indicative of the problem that most dudes are blissfully unaware of it though, yeah?

I know a wonderful dude who was complaining about all the girls who glare at him in the subway, that he'd glance over with a completely non-lusty glance and they'd respond with harsh looks and crossed arms and so forth. Which, agreed, sucks for him. He didn't even say anything. But he kind of failed to realize how intense it can get when you just want to walk around and do your stuff and have to deal with dudes leerin on you. Most ladies gotta tolerate that at the very least once a week, from some terrible butt of a dude. Y'all dudes should ask some lady friends about it sometime.
Pikasyuu
i doubt it, SPS. smile.gif you smiled. nothing wrong with that.
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