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Jonman
Yup.

I'm back to solve life's little quandries, relationship dilemmas, and quieries about all manner of marsupials and molluscs.

Bring it on.
elf
Oi... Hm... this is... a weird question... nah I don't think I'll say it, it's too... dry.gif lol. Maybe later.
Debaser
/me wonders if this counts as a question...well, it's a question, but...meh, i'll just get on with it...

dear jonman,

are the aquabats REALLY better than the pixies, or is a certain person i know just talking crap?

sincerely,
die hard pixies fan with a wrench

p.s. REALLY?
Jonman
Dear Die Hard,

I'm certainly the wrong person to ask. All you crazy kids with your new fangled music. Back in my day, it were all tin whistles and washboards. Well, not quite. Actually, it's all whoops and bleeps and abstract tinkly noises.

However, on the basis of the names alone, then aquabats win on account of scoring higher in a game of Scrabble ™
Smallsam
Dear Jonman:

Recently I cant seem to stop crying. Everything seems to be going wrong.
Im failing a lot of my classes, and Im constantly tired. I feel cold and utterly alone even when surrounded by people who I know love me. I cry myself to sleep, and I have an insane amount of catch up work to do to keep my parents from disowning me when they see my report card. There arnt anywhere near enough hours in the day. I need some time to just sit and sob, but I cant, and I dont have time to see friends, one ofthe few things that brighten my days. I have an unexpressable fear of the future and even of my upcoming summer break. Im terrified of change, and I have nothing to look forward to but more and more of the same heart wrenching failures for the rest of my existance. I know I seem overly pessimistic, but this is how I feel right now, and no matter what I do, I cant seem to shake it.

Please help. Its hard to type when youre crying so hard you cant see the keys.

~Smallsam unsure.gif
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I asked you a question in the original thread did I miss the answer?

-LoLo
Jonman
QUOTE (Smallsam @ Jun 4 2003, 12:49 AM)
Dear Jonman:

Recently I cant seem to stop crying. Everything seems to be going wrong.
Im failing a lot of my classes, and Im constantly tired. I feel cold and utterly alone even when surrounded by people who I know love me. I cry myself to sleep, and I have an insane amount of catch up work to do to keep my parents from disowning me when they see my report card. There arnt anywhere near enough hours in the day. I need some time to just sit and sob, but I cant, and I dont have time to see friends, one ofthe few things that brighten my days. I have an unexpressable fear of the future and even of my upcoming summer break. Im terrified of change, and I have nothing to look forward to but more and more of the same heart wrenching failures for the rest of my existance. I know I seem overly pessimistic, but this is how I feel right now, and no matter what I do, I cant seem to shake it.

Please help. Its hard to type when youre crying so hard you cant see the keys.

~Smallsam unsure.gif

Dear Sam,

With my totally zilch knowledge of anything resembling phsychology or that kind of stuff, it sounds to me like you're proper depressed. Have you been to see a doctor or mentioned how you're feeling to your parents or friends or anyone? My advice is to not keep it to yourself, and get some help. My ex-grirlfriend sufferred from depression, and she got a lot better once she'd seen someone about it, and started having it treated. Sufferring alone is not good.

If nothing else, make an appointment to see your local doctor, and be honest with him/her. If you don't want to get your parents involved, your doctor should keep it confidential between you and him/her.

hope that helps,
Jonman.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

How do they get the buttered popcorn jelly bellys to taste like buttered popcorn........and you can ignore my last post I'm more interested in this.

-LoLo
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,

What is the meaning of life?

signed, Me.
LoLo
ps.......I missed you jonman and am glad you are back.......oh and youre girlfriend is really nice.
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jun 4 2003, 01:05 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I asked you a question in the original thread did I miss the answer?

-LoLo

No, you didn't. That thread was just getting too unwieldy, so I've made a new one.....

But here's your answer

*************************************************************
Dear Jonman,

I wrote this in Super K's relationship thread but I have yet to get a response and well you're always so with it that I want your advice as well.

There's this guy who has been my friend for years. I like him a lot, and well all we ever will be is friends and I know this. Anytime I get into a relationship or date a guy, or consider dating a guy I compare him to this friend that I have. Now none of them work out and none of them are going to meet up to being like this guy because this guy is an individual and thats why I like him so much. Is it bad that I compare everyone to him?

Sincerely,
Can't live with men but can't live without them
*************************************************************

No, it's not necessarily a bad thing. You obviously admire a number of things about your friend, and it's perfectly normal for you to want a potential boyfriend to have some of those same qualities. If anything, I'd say it's better to have high expectations for potential partners to avoid ending up 'making-do' - something I strongly recommend no-one do. At the end of the day, if the guys you've dated in the past don't measure up to your expectations, then it's pretty clear that they weren't 'The One'. There's the inevitable downside of having high expectations of course, in that they're more rarely met, but when they are met, then you're onto a winner.

Don't worry about 'never-finding-the-right-man'. Enjoy life for the moment, as moping about waiting for him is a waste of your current time. He'll turn up at some point, usually precisely when you're NOT looking

hope that helps,
Jonman
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jun 4 2003, 01:18 AM)
Dear Jonman,

How do they get the buttered popcorn jelly bellys to taste like buttered popcorn........and you can ignore my last post I'm more interested in this.

-LoLo

Too late....

It's simple anyway, you just plant buttered-popcorn-jelly-bean-bushes, water twice daily for the entire spring, then pick the harvest.
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jun 4 2003, 01:20 AM)
Dear Jonman,

What is the meaning of life?

signed, Me.

Hello me.

There ain't one. In days of yore, when men and women were as hairy as each other, the meaning of life was to shag as much as possible and ensure the continuation of the species. However, a few thousand years of civilisation has slung that out of the window, and now there is no meaning of life. I suggest not worrying about it and ensuring that you and your loved ones have as much fun as possible.

Works for me.
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jun 4 2003, 01:21 AM)
ps.......I missed you jonman and am glad you are back.......oh and youre girlfriend is really nice.

Thanks,

and I know! That's why she's me girlfriend! biggrin.gif
craziness
dearest monjan,
my parents basicly think that communication with people you dont know in real life is evil. they have no idea im on a forum, they dont even know what a forum is, but they are starting to figure out that i dont only IM my school and camp friends online. [duhhhhhhhhhhh] anyways, they are getting all paranoid and they think i am going to get stalked down, so i think im going to have to kind of get a life so that they dont suspect anything of me. but im scared. and im just realizing that my whole life is kinda just blah. i mean, i dont fit in with the kids my own age nor can i stand them, and all of my older friends are going to high school next year, and everything is so profanitied up. i dont know what to do with myself, and im trying to get a life, but i dont think im going to like it so much. the way i see it, im basicly stuck here for another 5 years! what should i do?
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Jun 4 2003, 01:42 AM)
dearest monjan,
my parents basicly think that communication with people you dont know in real life is evil. they have no idea im on a forum, they dont even know what a forum is, but they are starting to figure out that i dont only IM my school and camp friends online. [duhhhhhhhhhhh] anyways, they are getting all paranoid and they think i am going to get stalked down, so i think im going to have to kind of get a life so that they dont suspect anything of me. but im scared. and im just realizing that my whole life is kinda just blah. i mean, i dont fit in with the kids my own age nor can i stand them, and all of my older friends are going to high school next year, and everything is so profanitied up. i dont know what to do with myself, and im trying to get a life, but i dont think im going to like it so much. the way i see it, im basicly stuck here for another 5 years! what should i do?

OK Crazi,

I guess that convincing your parents that there's nothing sinister about online chums is pretty much impossible. That's pretty much the case with people who aren't actively online. They just see it as weird.

Hows about my stock answer of joining a local club that does some kind of activity that you fancy having a go at, I dunno, SCUBA, or canoeing or karate or amateur dramatics or something. Not only do you get to try something fun, but chances are you'll make some new friends through that avenue. The trick is finding something you fancy doing.....

Not great advice, but there you go.
CovertYawn
Ding-dong-doddley-Dear Jonman.
I've been on a bit of a downer recently. Last friday one of our dogs died, now, at the risk of sounding like a mean old bastich I have to say that it wasn't the fact that the dog had died that upset me so much, it was the way in which the dog died. (Just for the record her name was Fly, which is a long story in itself, suffice to say that no-one from my family named her) The poor thing drowned, a combination of arthritic legs and a small pond led to this untimely demise. So now I just feel, well, I feel Meh. Can you reccomentd anything to pick me up?

Yours.
**Sigh**
Pikasyuu
Dear Jonman --
7up or Sprite?

-- So bored syuu
Jonman
QUOTE (CovertYawn @ Jun 4 2003, 01:48 AM)
Ding-dong-doddley-Dear Jonman.
I've been on a bit of a downer recently. Last friday one of our dogs died, now, at the risk of sounding like a mean old bastich I have to say that it wasn't the fact that the dog had died that upset me so much, it was the way in which the dog died. (Just for the record her name was Fly, which is a long story in itself, suffice to say that no-one from my family named her) The poor thing drowned, a combination of arthritic legs and a small pond led to this untimely demise. So now I just feel, well, I feel Meh. Can you reccomentd anything to pick me up?

Yours.
**Sigh**

Ring-a-ding-a-ding-dong to you too, Mr. Yawn.

m'afraid I can't recommend anything that'll help the pain of losing a loved pet. If it were me, immersing myself in some lovely lush semi-melancholy music through a hefty pair of cans would help, but each to their own. Far be it from me to recommend going out with your friends and getting utterly bladdered, but that may help too.

Jonman.
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 4 2003, 02:10 AM)
Dear Jonman --
7up or Sprite?

-- So bored syuu

Diet Sierra Mist

tongue.gif
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 3 2003, 06:46 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 4 2003, 02:10 AM)
Dear Jonman --
7up or Sprite?

-- So bored syuu

Diet Sierra Mist

tongue.gif

Oi. - smacks 'er forhead - And it doesn't give you a headache?
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 4 2003, 02:51 AM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 3 2003, 06:46 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 4 2003, 02:10 AM)
Dear Jonman --
7up or Sprite?

-- So bored syuu

Diet Sierra Mist

tongue.gif

Oi. - smacks 'er forhead - And it doesn't give you a headache?

*looks confused*

smacking your forehead or Diet Sierra Mist?
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 3 2003, 07:01 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 4 2003, 02:51 AM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 3 2003, 06:46 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 4 2003, 02:10 AM)
Dear Jonman --
7up or Sprite?

-- So bored syuu

Diet Sierra Mist

tongue.gif

Oi. - smacks 'er forhead - And it doesn't give you a headache?

*looks confused*

smacking your forehead or Diet Sierra Mist?

My forhead, originally, but I would not hesitate to smack a diet Sierra Mist. That stuffs comes from the devil! As well as the Pepsi cola company. Hm.
cheese is funny
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 4 2003, 12:44 AM)
Dear Die Hard,

I'm certainly the wrong person to ask. All you crazy kids with your new fangled music. Back in my day, it were all tin whistles and washboards. Well, not quite. Actually, it's all whoops and bleeps and abstract tinkly noises.

However, on the basis of the names alone, then aquabats win on account of scoring higher in a game of Scrabble

LMAO!!!!


hi jonman!! woo!!! WB!! weee!!

<hugs jonman and runs away>
Jaq
Is it wrong to do stuff? What about things? Where's my advice thread? Everybody's got a baby kangaroo but only the ignorant call the aformentioned creature a baby kangaroo. And where' *my* joey? Why do Australians have such...interesting names for their flora and fauna? Have you ever said platypus out loud just for the sake of hearing it? Am I cool? Am I crazy? My mom says you're not crazy if you talk out loud to yourself, you're only crazy if you answer yourself. That leads me to being crazy. Hello crazy, here I am. I'm really really really rambling, but you know what? I don't care! I don't even really expect an answer to my question(s) If you don't know what to say you can just nod and smile. I'll take that as a valid answer. That's what I do. Oh, I've got one more question, if a guy throws dough at you, does that mean he likes you? Please say no.

*mumbles incoherently for a few more minutes before hitting the 'add reply' button*

p.s. isn't Christian contemporary sucky?

p.p.s. if it' so sucky, why do I have it on my computer? I'm not even christian.
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

mata is making me question my sexuality... hes just so damned sexy... and his voice.... <melts>

erm.... i dont know... give me some kind of advice....
Jaq
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jun 4 2003, 04:12 AM)
dear jonman,

mata is making me question my sexuality... hes just so damned sexy... and his voice.... <melts>

erm.... i dont know... give me some kind of advice....

I'll field that one monjan (yer not here and I'm part of the Agony Inc. team)

Cheese:

Well nowadays (goodness, I love that word) sexuality is so poorly defined and so loosely structured that attraction to either sex shouldn't be cause to question your own sexuality because your own sexuality doesn't actually exist. Does that make sense? If it helps Mata is sort of androgynous. Don't worry about it. Do what makes you happy.

Auntie Jaq
cheese is funny
thanks jaq... it sorta makes since...
jicama
dear jonman

i feel that i may be an old granny in a 21 year old's body. since i was a child, i've coveted my grandparent's dentures, but that's not all. i like to bake cookies, i've recently taken up knitting, i constantly start sentences with "back when i was a kid..." or "kids these days...", and though i don't particularly like cats, i would like to be a "crazy old dog lady"! is this something i should be worried about?

granny jic
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I had a crappy day. I thought it would get better and it seemed to briefly and sparatically, but then it just all went to hell again. Just thought I would share this with you cause I'm feeling down. lol

-LoLo
Phyllis
dear jonman,

i am horribly bored. my neighbor's dog won't stop barking. i spent a lot of money already today so going out and/or hiring a paid assassin to get rid of the dog are out of the question. suggestions?


PS: my husband didn't want to get silly string or water balloons. the party pooper. so those are out of the question too.
Mata
QUOTE
i am horribly bored. my neighbor's dog won't stop barking. i spent a lot of money already today so going out and/or hiring a paid assassin to get rid of the dog are out of the question. suggestions?


PS: my husband didn't want to get silly string or water balloons. the party pooper. so those are out of the question too.


I'll get this one.

Dear Candice,

There are several solutions to this problem, but the easiest would be to tie up your husband, cover him with raw meat and throw him over the fence. The meal will make the dog sleepy and you will in future be free to purchase silly string and water balloons whenever you wish.

Sincerely

Mata
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jun 4 2003, 04:02 AM)
Is it wrong to do stuff? What about things? Where's my advice thread? Everybody's got a baby kangaroo but only the ignorant call the aformentioned creature a baby kangaroo. And where' *my* joey? Why do Australians have such...interesting names for their flora and fauna? Have you ever said platypus out loud just for the sake of hearing it? Am I cool? Am I crazy? My mom says you're not crazy if you talk out loud to yourself, you're only crazy if you answer yourself. That leads me to being crazy. Hello crazy, here I am. I'm really really really rambling, but you know what? I don't care! I don't even really expect an answer to my question(s) If you don't know what to say you can just nod and smile. I'll take that as a valid answer. That's what I do. Oh, I've got one more question, if a guy throws dough at you, does that mean he likes you? Please say no.

*mumbles incoherently for a few more minutes before hitting the 'add reply' button*

p.s. isn't Christian contemporary sucky?

p.p.s. if it' so sucky, why do I have it on my computer? I'm not even christian.

No. No. Over there. It ran away. Because they're usually twatted from drinking too many 'tinnies' when they name them. Yes, many times. Yes. Yes. No, what? And where I'm from, dough-throwing is a euphemism for self-love.
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Jun 4 2003, 04:37 AM)
dear jonman

i feel that i may be an old granny in a 21 year old's body. since i was a child, i've coveted my grandparent's dentures, but that's not all. i like to bake cookies, i've recently taken up knitting, i constantly start sentences with "back when i was a kid..." or "kids these days...", and though i don't particularly like cats, i would like to be a "crazy old dog lady"! is this something i should be worried about?

granny jic

Mmm, cookies...

Do you make gingerbread men as well? I like gingerbread men. And bread pudding. yummy.

grannies are ace.

You could be crazy old meerkat lady. That'd be cool.
Mr Fuzzy
Dear Jonman.
Recently my pimping practices have been questioned because my purple pimp hat is apparently not up to snuff.
How should I go about reasserting my pimp-prowess?
Phyllis
QUOTE (Mata @ Jun 4 2003, 11:18 AM)
There are several solutions to this problem, but the easiest would be to tie up your husband, cover him with raw meat and throw him over the fence. The meal will make the dog sleepy and you will in future be free to purchase silly string and water balloons whenever you wish.

Sincerely

Mata

aha! excellent solution! solves all of my problems! tyvm smile.gif lol
MistressAlti
Jonman,

How the hell do I get my ex to give up? I told him there was nothing between us in all three ways - the nice way, the mean way, and the get-the-hell-away-from-me way - and nothing seems to work. I feel bad, because I'm not a naturally cruel person, and I think my nice-ness undermines my efforts to get the message across, because I can't just shut him out entirely. I'm currently being handed guilt trips, and anyone who knows me is aware that I crumble under guilt trips. What do I do now?
Jonman
QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Jun 4 2003, 04:53 PM)
Dear Jonman.
Recently my pimping practices have been questioned because my purple pimp hat is apparently not up to snuff.
How should I go about reasserting my pimp-prowess?

Pimp teeth are required. buy them here.

http://www.mrbling.com

It's that simple.

purple pimp hat indeed.
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jun 4 2003, 06:15 PM)
Jonman,

How the hell do I get my ex to give up? I told him there was nothing between us in all three ways - the nice way, the mean way, and the get-the-hell-away-from-me way - and nothing seems to work. I feel bad, because I'm not a naturally cruel person, and I think my nice-ness undermines my efforts to get the message across, because I can't just shut him out entirely. I'm currently being handed guilt trips, and anyone who knows me is aware that I crumble under guilt trips. What do I do now?

OK, it sounds like you've been perfectly reasonable taking the three routes you've tried so far. By the sounds of things, you've got nothing to feel bad about - your ex just refuses to get it through his thick head.

My usual answer applies here as well - honesty. Look him in the eye, and tell him striaght up, no-beating-around-the-bush that it's over, and you need him to understand that it's NEVER going to work again. You'll no doubt feel guilty at this point, but it has to be done.

If that doesn't work, you'll have to up the ante - tell him that his constant badgering has actually made you actively dislike him now, and he needs to stop calling you/coming to see you or whatever. Again, try and be honest, but stop trying to spare his feelings - you've given him every chance to back away gracefully and with his ego mostly intact by now. By this point, you're mostly absolved of the need to feel guilty.

If that doesn't work - stop returning his calls, or return them with one-line conversations like "Stop calling me *click*". By this point, you're totally absolved of the need for guilt.

If that doesn't work, send him a dead pigeon in the post with a note attached to it, saying "like this pigeon, my love for you died some time ago". By this point, you shouldn't even be able to spell guilt.

If THAT doesn't work, you've officially got a stalker, and it's time to get the police involved. Guilt? Is that English? Is it a breed of llama?
leopold
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 4 2003, 08:54 PM)
If that doesn't work, send him a dead pigeon in the post with a note attached to it, saying "like this pigeon, my love for you died some time ago". By this point, you shouldn't even be able to spell guilt.

Sorry to be a tad irrelevant in this here thread guys...

That, Jon, is ice cold!! I love it laugh.gif
MistressAlti
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 4 2003, 02:54 PM)
Guilt? Is that English? Is it a breed of llama?

Actually, it's a rare breed of pigeon that often shows up dead in the mailboxes of very stubborn men.

laugh.gif Thank you Jonman, both for the advice and the spot of humor.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

Onion loaf or Olive loaf?

-LoLo
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

PENGUIIIIN!!! or towel?

sincerly

that guy who askes dumb things and hopes to get a serious response
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jun 5 2003, 12:21 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Onion loaf or Olive loaf?

-LoLo

Never had either. Had meat loaf the other night, and that was yummy.

NEXT!
Jonman
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jun 5 2003, 12:26 AM)
dear jonman,

PENGUIIIIN!!! or towel?

sincerly

that guy who askes dumb things and hopes to get a serious response

Penguins wearing towels. And covered in yogurt.
Phyllis
dear jonman,

should i be a good girl and go do the dishes, or should i sit here, pointlessly increasing my post count?

sincerely,
mrs. frimblewitz
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Jun 5 2003, 02:25 AM)
dear jonman,

should i be a good girl and go do the dishes, or should i sit here, pointlessly increasing my post count?

sincerely,
mrs. frimblewitz

Learn to type with your toes, and then you can do both. Alternatively, learn to wash up with your toes.

If your computer is not in the kitchen, invest in a pair of telescopic ankles which will stretch between rooms.

Jeez, some people miss the obvious solutions....
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I feel happy today. I got to express myself artistically sort of. I only had to stop because I had household obligations to fulfill. How do I get out of doing housework and get to devote myself solely to completing my piece? Oh and do you think anyone will notice if I'm a little late on posting my next rant, seeing that it's thread is buried somewhere on one of the middle sets of pages?

-LoLo
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,

Why does fate hate me?

-Me
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jun 5 2003, 03:16 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I feel happy today. I got to express myself artistically sort of. I only had to stop because I had household obligations to fulfill. How do I get out of doing housework and get to devote myself solely to completing my piece? Oh and do you think anyone will notice if I'm a little late on posting my next rant, seeing that it's thread is buried somewhere on one of the middle sets of pages?

-LoLo

Housework is, unfortunately, an unavoidable side effect of having a house. Unless you don't mind living in a flea and rat-infested craphovel, of course, in which case, you're at liberty to not do any.

Alternatively, hire a maid with an appreciation for sculpture. That way, you get to scuplt in a clean house, and you can pay her with your efforts instead of cold hard cash.

Now the word sculpt looks really weird to me.

I wouldn't worry about the rants. Wait for the complaints to come rolling in before you start to worry.
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