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Jonman
QUOTE (kisah @ Dec 15 2004, 01:10 PM)
Dear Jonman,

    I have been requested to make mince pies for Christmas at my in-laws. Despite my sister-in-law's suggestion to purchase mincemeat in a jar, I (as a pastry chef) have scoured the internet for any slight variation from the plain traditional pies. The one I have settled on has a citrusy refreshing undertone and orange shortcrust pastry. It sounds good to me but then I've never had a mince pie before. What if they don't like it? What if I ruin Christmas? What if my in-laws disown us? It doesn't help matters that I make a shoddy cup of tea as well.

Yours Truly,
Mrs America
*


Dear Mrs America

Fortunately, your in-laws are all ever so polite. You could stuff the mince pies with poo and use scabs in place of pastry, and they'll take a bite, force a smile and say "Mmm, lovely!"

And Christmas is officially unruinable, because there'll be lots of booze there.

And we've been around the tea argument. You make a fine cup of tea. You just need more practice to reach perfection. I suggest making cups of tea on a regular basis for anyone who happens to be in your house.

Mr England
P.S. Why didn't you take your husbands surname when you got married?
Ashbless
Dear Kisah,
Have you thought of making small test batches. Half dozen of plain jar'd mince in shells and half your intriguing new receipe. It may not be good for J-man's waistline but I'm sure you could persuade him to be your test subject and sample both.
Chin up Lady! He didn't marry you for your tea. He married you for you.

Yours,
Miss Canadian
kisah
Dear Foreign Delegates,

Thanks for all your advice. I didn't want to change my name because his last name is rediculous and hard to spell over the phone. Everyone knows how to spell America because we rule the world and we're the most clever. As far as the pie making goes, that sounds like a fantastic idea albeit perhaps more labor intensive. I might just try it. =)

Mrs Jonman
Mata
QUOTE (kisah @ Dec 15 2004, 04:09 PM)
I didn't want to change my name because his last name is rediculous and hard to spell over the phone.

Bah, it's easy, two T's, one P, an H, an A, some other letters, and a triple word score. Simple.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mata @ Dec 15 2004, 04:12 PM)
QUOTE (kisah @ Dec 15 2004, 04:09 PM)
I didn't want to change my name because his last name is rediculous and hard to spell over the phone.

Bah, it's easy, two T's, one P, an H, an A, some other letters, and a triple word score. Simple.
*



Hello, I'm Jon Ttphaxsr*3.

She wasn't joking when she said it was difficult to spell.
Mutilation
You obviously haven't met Qrrbrbirlbel on the internet yet. Most people spell it Qrrbuiodhfaoisdhkjfhskdjfh.

Dear J,

Is the track 2+2=5 meant to sound scratched at the beginning, or is it just my copy?

Well, g2g kaizer, ca
Jonman
QUOTE (Mutilation @ Dec 15 2004, 05:02 PM)
You obviously haven't met Qrrbrbirlbel on the internet yet. Most people spell it Qrrbuiodhfaoisdhkjfhskdjfh.

Dear J,

        Is the track 2+2=5 meant to sound scratched at the beginning, or is it just my copy?

                          Well, g2g kaizer, ca
*

No, that's true, I've not met Qrrbieriler. Maybe we're related?

As for 2+2=5 sounding scratched, you tell me. I've got a few recordings that have intetentional scratch soundings on them, both vinyl-sounding scratches, as well as CD-sounding scratches.

Interesting enough, I've been driving along listening to Autechre before, thinking, "I don't remember this bit", when I realised that the CD had been skipping for several minutes. This is one of the dangers of listening to electronica.
Overfriendly_Kitten
this looks suspiciously like 733t 5p34k to me...
kisah
QUOTE (Overfriendly_Kitten @ Dec 18 2004, 03:07 AM)
this looks suspiciously like 733t 5p34k to me...
*

Go wash your mouth out with soap and water!
Ashbless
Dear Mr. Ttphaxsr*3,

Are you and the Mrs. looking forward to living on this continent? Your proposed site of residence is governed by Mr. Dubya. Will you be fleeing to Canada anytime soon? tongue.gif

Yours,
Me.
Greeneyes
Dear Mr. Man,

Does the Netherlands have an equivalent to the English B&B or other type of cheaper-than-hotel accomodation for a poor student wishing to see a friend, or must this poor student-type person be forced to either sponge or relax in 4 star glory at the cost of their bank account being well and truly sodomised?

Yours,

Person who thinks up hypothetical situations that have nothing to do with him. Honest.
Overfriendly_Kitten
QUOTE (kisah @ Dec 18 2004, 01:07 PM )
QUOTE (Overfriendly_Kitten @ Dec 18 2004, 12:07 PM)
this looks suspiciously like 733t 5p34k to me...
*

Go wash your mouth out with soap and water!

Okay, my mouth is now sore, and bubblier than usual... but tastes frezch!

what next?
Usurper MrTeapot
Dear MrJonman.

I was given JD and Underwear for Christmas, though it is appreciated its not quite the Half Life 2 which I asked for. Am I getting old?

Yours a Greying Teapot.
Ashbless
Dear Mrs. Jonman,

How did the great mincemeat tart experiment go? Was it a big hit?

Sincerely,
Chief cook @ Dad's this year.
Aria
Annnnnnnd yet another lovelife question from Aria...
Dear Jonman,
Now the the boy I had (have?) a crush on has broken up with his girlfriend, he's fair game. And he's interested in me. But I'm not sure I want to be his rebound girl. What exactly do I do now? I'm very very confused.
Hyperion
Dear Jon;

Did you have a very merry christmas? Did it warm your heart and soul?

Best Wishes
- Hyp'
Pab
Dear Jonman,

Is it "Better a grave than a slave" or "Better a slave than a grave"?

Yours,

Slave Traders and Gravestones Inc.
Jonman
QUOTE (Ashbless @ Dec 24 2004, 02:52 PM)
Dear Mr. Ttphaxsr*3,

Are you and the Mrs. looking forward to living on this continent? Your proposed site of residence is governed  by Mr. Dubya.  Will you be fleeing to Canada anytime soon?  tongue.gif

Yours,
Me.
*


I can only speak for myself, but I'm not excited about living in the USA at all. However, I'm incredibly excited by living in Seattle.
I've travelled around the country a fair bit, and I wouldn't live in 99% of it if you paid me. Seattle itself is the mutt's nuts though.
And both Seattle and Washington are very liberal, democratic areas, so the impact of the Monkeydent is minimal.
Jonman
QUOTE (Greeneyes @ Dec 24 2004, 11:49 PM)
Dear Mr. Man,

Does the Netherlands have an equivalent to the English B&B or other type of cheaper-than-hotel accomodation for a poor student wishing to see a friend, or must this poor student-type person be forced to either sponge or relax in 4 star glory at the cost of their bank account being well and truly sodomised?

Yours,

Person who thinks up hypothetical situations that have nothing to do with him. Honest.
*


Dunno. I've been to the Netherlands once, and I was staying on a boat. I'm pretty sure that any large city will have hostels, which might be your best bet for cheap accomodation.
Jonman
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Dec 25 2004, 12:11 PM)
Dear MrJonman.

I was given JD and Underwear for Christmas, though it is appreciated its not quite the Half Life 2 which I asked for. Am I getting old?

Yours a Greying Teapot.
*


Eh? Sounds like a genius set of presents. Booze and pants? Brilliant. Now you can get drunk without your balls getting cold.
Jonman
QUOTE (Ashbless @ Dec 29 2004, 04:56 AM)
Dear Mrs. Jonman,

How did the great mincemeat tart experiment go?  Was it a big hit?

Sincerely,
Chief cook @ Dad's this year.
*


Bloody genius, it were. Whole family was dead impressed. I thought that they were super yummy, but of course, Mrs Jonman wasn't convinced until my neice and nephew ate 4 in a row to the exclusion of all the other desserts.
Jonman
QUOTE (Aria @ Dec 29 2004, 05:49 PM)
Annnnnnnd yet another lovelife question from Aria...
Dear Jonman,
Now the the boy I had (have?) a crush on has broken up with his girlfriend, he's fair game. And he's interested in me. But I'm not sure I want to be his rebound girl. What exactly do I do now? I'm very very confused.
*


Sounds like you have a simple decision:

1 : wait until he's over the rebound, then get stuck in. Of course, you run the risk of someone else becoming his rebound girl, and that developing into a legitimate relationship, which leaves you out in the cold again.

2 : go for it now. I think the trick to this part is to go in 'eyes wide open'. Better yet would be to discuss your concerns with him so that he's aware of your worries before shoving your tongue down his throat.
Sillyness aside, the key is to make sure that is you are going to take this route is to make sure that you do as much as possible to minimise your risk of being hurt. Blokes can be complete bastards, and being a revenge shag can be incredibly hurtful. After talking to him, if you're happy that you won't be a revenge girlfriend, and that he's emotionally capable of another relationship this soon, then I say categorically go for it. Just be careful, and take it easy to begin with.
Jonman
QUOTE (Hyperion @ Dec 31 2004, 03:13 AM)
Dear Jon;

Did you have a very merry christmas? Did it warm your heart and soul?

Best Wishes
    - Hyp'
*


Yes I did. Stuffed myself stupid at my sisters, and made and extravagent cocktail in my tummy. Then went to Chicago to see some friends, which was top banana. Then spent some time in Ohio with the in-laws, which was excellant (especially as they bought me top banana presents), then dropped the wife at home, and went snowboarding for a week in France, which aside from the shoddy quality of the snow, was similarly excellant.

I am not looking forward to going back to work on Monday, let me tell you.
Jonman
QUOTE (Pab @ Jan 5 2005, 11:54 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Is it "Better a grave than a slave" or "Better a slave than a grave"?

Yours,

Slave Traders and Gravestones Inc.
*


Depends on your fetish really.
kisah
QUOTE (Ashbless @ Dec 29 2004, 04:56 AM)
Dear Mrs. Jonman,

How did the great mincemeat tart experiment go?  Was it a big hit?

Sincerely,
Chief cook @ Dad's this year.
*



biggrin.gif BIG hit... even the four year old had three. My addition of little apple pies was also well received! Thanks for asking.

Edit- Apparently, Jonman was happy to answer this already.

[EDIT BY JONMAN - err yeah, I guess I missed the extraneous 's' on the end of Mr. It's kind of like opening your mail by mistake isn't it? I feel dirty]
pgrmdave
If increased velocity both increases mass and contracts length in the direction of motion, how can light - which travels as fast as possible within the current laws of physics - affect objects within our universe - as it must be massless and volumeless?

And what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Usurper MrTeapot
Dear kisah,

Do you have any simple teenager friendly vegetarian recipes for two I could use for Valentine's Day?

Yours

MrTeapot.
Jonman
QUOTE (pgrmdave @ Jan 22 2005, 07:31 AM)
If increased velocity both increases mass and contracts length in the direction of motion, how can light - which travels as fast as possible within the current laws of physics - affect objects within our universe - as it must be massless and volumeless?

And what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
*


Err, that's quite a good question. So, a photon is a quantum particle of light, right. And it's our good old friend relativity that says that mass increases and length decreases as you approach the speed of light.

I'm going to make two guesses here. Either or both may be right.

( a ) Relativity no longer applies at the quantum level. That's why they had to invent quantum mechanics, to describe interactions at such a small scale. So it doesn't apply to photons.

( b ) Or, as photons are travelling at the speed of light, their mass ought to be infinite, but their length ought to be zero. So as a halfway house, they have a little bit of weight.


I suspect ( a ) is the better answer. Anyway, it is true that photons have a measurable weight. It's very very small. Smaller even that the weight of a rice.

Incidentally, that's how the concept of the 'solar sail' works. You stick up a big shiny thing out of your spaceship, point the flat side towards a light source, and the force of photons hitting it will propel your spacecraft. Nought to Sixty in about 4 years.

And if you can ask me the question to life, the universe and everything, I'll have a go at the answer.
little_bear
QUOTE (voices_in_my_head @ Jan 24 2005, 02:22 AM)
Dear Jonman,

  Do agnostic dislexic Insomniacs lay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog?
*

No, they're usually far too busy looking for a Bibble with their red-rimmed eyes so they can prove it all worng.
Jonman
QUOTE (Quoth(The Raven) @ Jan 24 2005, 04:49 AM)
Where are the flying monkees?
*

They've gone south for the winter. Dressed as geese.
trunks_girl26
Dear Jonman,

Why is Iceland called Iceland if it's mostly green, and why is Greenland called Greenland if it's mostly ice?

-Ange
Jonman
QUOTE (trunks_girl26 @ Jan 27 2005, 01:27 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Why is Iceland called Iceland if it's mostly green, and why is Greenland called Greenland if it's mostly ice?

-Ange
*



Just to confuse people. It works, see?
Moosh
How many posts can I make in the 1/2 hour which I am back on the boards for?

CM
Jonman
QUOTE (CheeseMoose @ Jan 27 2005, 06:55 PM)
How many posts can I make in the 1/2 hour which I am back on the boards for?

CM
*

More than the number of mice you can fit in your ears, I'd warrant.
kisah
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Jan 23 2005, 02:21 PM)
Dear kisah,

Do you have any simple teenager friendly vegetarian recipes for two I could use for Valentine's Day?

Yours

MrTeapot.
*



Sorry for the delay, I don't actually read the forums super regularly. Promise I'll give you some if you let me know if you're looking for vegan, lacto, ovo, or lacto-ovo vegetarian love-day food recipes?
Usurper MrTeapot
huh.gif ovo? Lacto-Ovo? Something to do without eggs and milk?

Sounds pretty complicated already. I was hoping for just a vegetarian recipe without the various subgroups. Something simple without meat that I could mould into a heart shape or any other commercial greeting card shape/form. I was thinking something with pasta but have never tried making a sauce without supervision before...people lose limbs. Perhaps something with cheese, I like cheese.

Yours MT
Jonman
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Feb 1 2005, 03:36 PM)
huh.gif ovo? Lacto-Ovo? Something to do without eggs and milk?

Sounds pretty complicated already. I was hoping for just a vegetarian recipe without the various subgroups. Something simple without meat that I could mould into a heart shape or any other commercial greeting card shape/form. I was thinking something with pasta but have never tried making a sauce without supervision before...people lose limbs. Perhaps something with cheese, I like cheese.

Yours MT
*


Buy an entire wheel of Stilton.

Carve into a heart shape.

Attach a note that says something along the lines of "Unlike this cheese, my love for you will never go mouldy"



I'll let the wife provide a more tasteful (in all senses) alternative.
Usurper MrTeapot
I already tried giving her a potato. "Roses wilt and die but potatos sprout to grown an multiply. Also a rose is only skin deep and has thorns while a potato has a lush inner carbohydrate beauty."
Jonman
I can see we're thinking along the same lines, here.
the lil' pie fairy
Dear Jonman,

What is the airspeed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow? (The African swallow, to clarify)

Yours, watching a lot of MP lately, Pie
Snugglebum the Destroyer
Dear Jonman,

How is it that six adults can't arrange one trip to a concert effectively, especially when they have four months notice?

Yours in absolute desperation

Snugs
XX
kisah
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Feb 1 2005, 03:36 PM)
huh.gif ovo? Lacto-Ovo? Something to do without eggs and milk?

Sounds pretty complicated already. I was hoping for just a vegetarian recipe without the various subgroups. Something simple without meat that I could mould into a heart shape or any other commercial greeting card shape/form. I was thinking something with pasta but have never tried making a sauce without supervision before...people lose limbs. Perhaps something with cheese, I like cheese.

Yours MT
*



Sorry, didn't mean to make it confusing.

I don't mean to sound condesending but have you thought of cake? Easy to bake into any shape you want, you can even write on it in frosting. Pretty cool. Cakes have layers, love has layers. Everybody loves cake.

Tofu is hysterically mouldable too but I don't have a huge amount of experience with tofu in that particular mode. I'll poke around in my books and brain to see what more thoughtful (and tasty) ideas I can find.

Oooh, before I do though, teenager friendly, easy, cheese, vegetarian... Pizza! You can make the dough any shape you want really. I bet they sell pre-made pizza dough or something. You could even like... cut a bell pepper into four flat pieces that you can cut into hearts to put on top... mmmmm lovepizza.

More ideas to come.
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