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Phyllis
Dearest Jonman,

I am going to go visit LoLo next month! While this is incredibly exciting, it also means that I will be spending 20 hours on a bus each way. What do you suggest I do in order to stop the mind-numbing boredom on the bus ride?

As an aside, I am also incredibly afraid of planes, but will be taking a 15 hour flight (though I think that includes my layover, and I cba to check) in June to the UK. It's my first flight ever (and also my first time ever leaving the United States...exciting!). I am thinking now I may have wanted to break myself in with a shorter flight first, but it's too late for that now as I've already purchased the (non-refundable) bus tickets to go see Lo, and can't think of anywhere else within short flying distance that I particularly want to visit. Are there any incredibly scary-seeming things I should expect that are totally normal and therefore shouldn't freak me out?

Yours,
Traveling Cand
gothictheysay
Dear Candice,

Come on a plane to visit Sarah.

xoxox

/thread-hijack
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Feb 23 2005, 08:16 PM)
Dear Jonman

As we both know, both Steak and Sushi are delicious and tasty, so why is it there is no restaurent that sells a steak and sushi platter? WHY?!

Hungrily,
Oddball

P.S. Before you ask, no I'm not pregnant and suffering from odd cravings
*

*phew*

I must admit, I was concerned about a Pat-ernity suit

*ba-dum-tish*

Anyway, there are places that will do steak and sushi. I've been to any number of japanese restaurants in the US that would be happy to do a teriyaki and sushi combo platter type thing. Which is nice.

It's just a problem with this country. We're all fricking nuts. You're never more than 60 miles from a fish in it's natural environment, yet everyone turns their nose up at the idea of tucking into a chuck of tasty fish without nuking it first. Bonkers, I tell thee. 20 million Japanese can't be wrong. Especially not over hundreds of years.

I would sell my left nutsack for an affordable sushi restaurant down the road from me. As it is, I have to go all the way to London and file for bankrupcy just to afford a few nigiri.
Jonman
QUOTE (trunks_girl26 @ Feb 23 2005, 10:37 PM)
Dear Man, Jon

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?


It depends on not only the size and age of the woodchuck, but also on the type of wood, age of wood, and more critically, how moist the wood is. Other factors which will skew the result are time of year, state of health and nutrition of the woodchuck, time of day, weather and fatigue levels of the woodchuck.

Obviously, there's an awful lot of variables there. Given that, and with an MOE (margin of error) of +/- 34%, the answer is 12.

QUOTE (trunks_girl26 @ Feb 23 2005, 10:37 PM)
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

He put them in his pepper peck pack, where he could poke and prod them.

QUOTE (trunks_girl26 @ Feb 23 2005, 10:37 PM)
How much is a peck?


Twice as much as a spazfjangle, but only a third as much as a whopmong.

No, I jest, actually the following hold true:
8 quarts = 1 peck = 16 pints = 537.605 cubic inches

As you can see, it's quite a lot of picked peppers.


Hope all that satsifies you enough to keep you from lying awake at night worrying.
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Feb 24 2005, 12:07 PM)
Dearest Jonman,

I am going to go visit LoLo next month!  While this is incredibly exciting, it also means that I will be spending 20 hours on a bus each way.  What do you suggest I do in order to stop the mind-numbing boredom on the bus ride?

As an aside, I am also incredibly afraid of planes, but will be taking a 15 hour flight (though I think that includes my layover, and I cba to check) in June to the UK.  It's my first flight ever (and also my first time ever leaving the United States...exciting!).  I am thinking now I may have wanted to break myself in with a shorter flight first, but it's too late for that now as I've already purchased the (non-refundable) bus tickets to go see Lo, and can't think of anywhere else within short flying distance that I particularly want to visit.  Are there any incredibly scary-seeming things I should expect that are totally normal and therefore shouldn't freak me out?

Yours,
Traveling Cand
*


Bus ride boredom kit:

Gameboy or portable gaming system
Books - at least 2 of, so you can chop and change when you get bored of one
Cards (to play if you end up sitting next to someone cool enough to play cards with).
Portable music (discman, ipod or whatever). Or portable radio - you can have fun listening to all the hick banjo-playing stations in the rural areas between oregon and california.
Spare batteries.
Travel pillow.
Notepad for writing (if you're into that)
Portable DVD player or laptop if you've got - that's 2 hours killed watching a film...
Spare toilet roll. Just in case they run out on the bus.



Plane fear problems:

Here's a response I wrote a while back about the statistics of dying in a big firey ball flying death: it may put your mind at ease if you're worried about the reality of something going wrong. Summary. Worrying about dying in a plane crash is statistically stupid. It's one of the safest places to be in the world.

As for scary things to be aware of, yeah, there's a number of weird noises you'll hear, bumps you'll feel and odd sensations that will naturally scare the poop out of you, because they'll be unlike anything you'll have felt before.

I'll tell you what, I'll run you through a full flight cycle, and explain what odd things you can expect....

Boarding: boring, nothing going on here. Once, you're seated and the doors are closed, the engines will start. Depending on what airplane you're on (for a tranatlantic, it'll probably be a fairly big'un), you'll probably be able to hear the engines starting. Sounds like a vacuum cleaner starting really slowly. Might be some vibration of the airframe as they accelerate up to an idle speed. The lights will flicker at some point, as the electrics are switched from ground power to aircraft power once the engines are started.

Taxi: boring, nothing to report here. There'll probably be some long whirring noise as you taxi out to the runway. This will be the flaps deploying. Flaps are control surfaces along the trailing edge of the wings (if you have an overwing seat, or just aft of the wing, you can watch them deploy) that are extended for takeoff and landing to improve lift at low speeds.

Takeoff: the second most scary/exciting part of the flight. If you happen to be on a fairly empty aircraft with a light fuel load, the acceleration can be quite intense. Expect to be pushed back into your seat, the engines will be howling like banshees, and if it's windy, it'll be pretty bumpy. As the aircraft gets to takeoff speed, the first thing that will happen is called 'rotation', where the front wheel lifts off the ground, and the plane is rolling on just the rear undercarriage. About 5 seconds later, you'll lift-off. This is a weird, crazy feeling in your stomach. You'll also get bizarre coriolis forces if you turn your head that will make you feel weird, and possibly a bit nauseous. Again, if it's windy, the initial climbout can be bumpy or very bumpy. Sudden drops as you hit gusts of wind are not uncommon, and it's natural for them to feel 'orrible. No need to worry though.

Climbout: at about 1000ft, or maybe a bit higher, the engine noise will decline, and the climb angle will reduce. This will feel a bit odd, like going over the hump on a roller coaster. Reason for this is twofold. It reduces engine noise (required by law as flightpaths out of urban areas tend to be heavily populated), and increases fuel efficiency (kerosene ain't cheap) - max thrust is only necessary for take-off, to get the airplane as far away from the ground as quick as possible. The flaps will stow bit by bit during the climbout as well - you'll hear that characteristic whirring noise. The landing gear will also stow, there'll be another whirring noise, followed by a *clump* as the wheels lock into their stowed position, and the gear doors close. The cabin will suddenly get quieter, as there's a lot less air noise (due to the reduction in drag with the gear stowed, as well as having the undercarriage doors closed - there's more noise insulation).

Cruise: more boring. Once you get to cruise altitude, you just fly in a straight line, and will probably climb a few more times by a little bit as the flight goes on (because the reducing fuel load makes fuel efficiency better at higher altitude).

Descent: Kinda fun if the skies are clear - good to be sitting by a window for this bit. Not much to tell. Flaps and gear will deploy once you're on final approach. The whirring noises again, and the cabin will get noisier, as the gear are deployed.

Landing: The scariest/most exciting bit. It'll probably seem like you're coming in bloody fast when you're about 50 feet off the ground. You're not - planes just land at that speed. If it's a windy day, it can be very hairy, with the pilot making lots of little adjustments, usually fairly quickly to stay on the correct approach path. Expect to hit the ground with a bit of whack. That's intentional - the aim of the pilot is keep the plane on the ground once it's there. Bouncing is a bad thing. In fact, if you're landing on autopilot (which you probably will be into a large airport on a modern airplane), the autoland systems tend to put you on the ground even harder, just to be on the safe side. Spoilers will deploy as soon as you're 'weight-on-wheels'. Spoilers are panels on the top surface of the wing, which pop up to disrupt the airflow over the wing. This instantly stops the wing producing any lift, thereby keeping the airplane on the ground while it decelerates. Again, you can watch them deploy if you have a window seat. Then the airplane will decelerate, either by stepping on the brakes (literally), or that and also using reverse thrust. Reverse thrust is a system where either ( a ) doors on the engine nacelle will open or ( b ) the rear section of the engine nacelle will slide backwards, revealing a gap (more likely on big modern engines). The aim of this is to deflect the airflow through the engine forwards, instead of chucking it out of the back of the engine, literally 'reversing the thrust'. The engine's will then spool up to a high power setting for 10-20 seconds, and you'll all be thrown forward in your seats a little - equivalent to braking fairly hard in a car. Once you've scrubbed off the majority of the speed, the engines will be pulled back to idle, and the thrust reverser will stow.

Taxi: boring, taxi into a gate, collect your stuff, and disembark. Queue up for hours at immigration and baggage claim, etc.


Lots of detail, hope that helps....
the lil' pie fairy
Dear Jonman,

Why did we not win the rugby yesterday? Why did the ref disallow two perfectly good tries? And why is there so much Eastenders on TV on sundays?

Yours, irate rugby watcher
Usurper MrTeapot
Dear Jonman

I had a good question for you earlier but it was forgotton while the board was down. Just letting you know.

Yours

The Man Fate has a marginal dislike for.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
Dear Jonman,

What is the plural of the word pus? Surely it couldn't be pussy? Pusy? Pusey?

How can we wish venereal diseases on someone if we don't know the plural?

Help!!

Yours

Snuggs and FU, talking crap.
JimiJimi
Dear Jonman,

Is this a good idea:

Four grown men jumping between three chairs and a bed to the beat of Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer?

Yours in eager anticipation and slightly weirdness,

JimiJimi.

It's actually quite good fun, good excercise and overall has to be really well choreographed.
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Feb 28 2005, 05:50 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Why did we not win the rugby yesterday? Why did the ref disallow two perfectly good tries? And why is there so much Eastenders on TV on sundays?

Yours, irate rugby watcher
*


Rugby:

Either (a ) the ref was corrupt and took a bribe, ( b ) the ref was stupid or ( c ) the team just wasn't good enough. Take your pick to suit your own personal world view.

As for Eastenders, it's because Sunday is a day of worship, and in this day and age, there are new gods, Shopping, Bland TV and Drinking. Saturday is the day of worship of Shopping, Friday is the day of worship of Drinking, and Sunday is the day of worship of Bland TV. Devotees devote their entire hours to shutting down higher brain functions and drooling down their stained, sordid pyjamas.
Jonman
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Feb 28 2005, 08:03 PM)
Dear Jonman

I had a good question for you earlier but it was forgotton while the board was down. Just letting you know.

Yours

The Man Fate has a marginal dislike for.
*

That's lucky, becuase I had a positively brillaint answer. Dead good, it was. Astoundabubbling even.
Jonman
QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Feb 28 2005, 08:15 PM)
Dear Jonman,

What is the plural of the word pus?  Surely it couldn't be pussy?  Pusy?  Pusey?

How can we wish venereal diseases on someone if we don't know the plural?

Help!!

Yours

Snuggs and FU, talking crap.
*


Dear SnugglEver UnRoyer,

Confusingly enough, pussy is the adjective related to pus, so for the wishing of venereal diseases on girls, you might declare "I wish you a pussy pussy". Convieniently, it scans to the rhythm of "we wish you a merry christmas". Singing it thusly is a great idea. Especially around the festive season.

Note also that the comparative and superlative are pussier and pussiest respectively. You might want to make use of that.

As for plural, I'm not convinced that there is one. I mean, why would you need one? Much like water (aside from the example of a pregnant woman's waters breaking), if you take some water, and add some more water, you don't have waters, you have lots of water. Same with pus.

However, if we were going to get pedantic, seeing as it's derived from the Latin 'pus', meaning 'corrupt matter', we could the Latin plural: 'puris'. I suggest you use that if you insist on using a plural. Then at least you can parade around your superior intellect while cursing folk. Either that, or look like a publicly schooled twat. Your choice.

P.S. 'pus' is also the tenth month of the Hindu calendar. Bear this in mind when casting hexes upon folk of a Hindi persuarion. It might confuse them e.g. "You curse me with an infestation of October?! What?"
Jonman
QUOTE (JimiJimi @ Feb 28 2005, 08:32 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Is this a good idea:

Four grown men jumping between three chairs and a bed to the beat of Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer?

Yours in eager anticipation and slightly weirdness,

JimiJimi.

It's actually quite good fun, good excercise and overall has to be really well choreographed.
*


You know, it's my firmly held belief that we shouldn't judge what other people do for fun, as long as all affected parties are fully consenting. My only concern is the choice of music - there's plenty better tunes for jumping around being a loon to. House of Pain's 'Jump', or even Van Halen's 'Jump' being two prime examples.

If you really wanted to up the ante, you could arm yourselves with pies, and have pie-warfare while the jumping takes place. Everyone loves pie-war.
froggle-rock
Dear Jonman,

I've decided I want to apply to uni and do a degree in design for interactive media with video. Problem is, I need to make up a portfolio. I got bit's of film I did at college, and some photography too. But I never had to put it all together proper like. How should I go about putting it together? Is there a anything else you think I should include? Will you do it for me?

Yours,

Aspiring Student
Jonman
QUOTE (funked)out_frog @ Mar 4 2005, 04:53 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I've decided I want to apply to uni and do a degree in design for interactive media with video.  Problem is, I need to make up a portfolio.  I got bit's of film I did at college, and some photography too.  But I never had to put it all together proper like.  How should I go about putting it together?  Is there a anything else you think I should include?  Will you do it for me?

Yours,

Aspiring Student
*


This is a bit of a poo idea, but you could always shovel it into Powerpoint. That would at least give you a very portable portfolio.

Perhaps a better idea though, given the subject, would be to shovel it all into a website. Wouldn't that be proper impressive?

Include pictures of baby animals doing cute things. Everyone loves baby animals, innit.

As to me doing it, there's two caveats:

1 : It'll be unbelievably rubbish

2: It'll cost you a churlishly large amount of money. And fish products. Lots and lots of fish products. You know, to keep the creative juices flowing.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman
Why is it that they write the cooking instructions for microwavable foods as rounded to the nearest hundred as when every microwave oven I've ever seen has it half way through (e.g. 650, 750 etc)? Is there some equation to work it out or should I just twiddle the knob and hope for the best?

As an aside, is it possible to survive only on microwaved ready meals? or would one start turning funny colours?

Sincerely,
Food Nuker
Greeneyes
Dear Man of Jon,

How do solid state lasers work?

Yours in curiosity,

James
trunks_girl26
Dear Jonman,

I'm currently a college student, living with one roomate and two suitemates. Both rooms are connected by a bathroom. To make cleaning this bathroom fair for all of us, we divided the work up by weeks, one person cleaning the bathroom once a month. Sounds like a happy time, right? Nope. One of our suitemates does not like the idea of cleaning the bathroom (as she flipped out when we told her about the clean up arrangement), so, she waits until the last moment of her 'day' to clean, and then does a half-assed job of it. This just creates more work for the rest of us, as we have to clean it the next week. My roomate and I are sick of it. We talked to her about cleaning it, and then when conditions didn't improve, we contacted our RA in order to have him remind them to clean. Neither has improved the condition of cleaning. So, what else can we do, besides murdering our suitemate?

-Girl who finally asked a serious question.

PS.
Here's another one.

Where did Little_Bear's sense of humor go?
Aria
Dear Jonman,
I am finishing my first year of university, with some difficulty. I have a mood disorder, and no motivation. I'm very behind in some of my classes, and I'm at risk of failing one. My question to you is, should I continue with school, considering how unmotivated I am? Should I hope that my motivation increases with time and therapy? Or should I give it all up, and move to Sweden to be a welder?
Ashbless
/spam.
Oooh. There's good money in welding. If you get good enough there are even people to teach you underwater welding so you can scuba dive and weld at the same time. smile.gif
/end spam. (best to wait on the wisdom of Jonman)

Dear Jonman,

How is life treating you?

Yours,
Ash.
Monkey the Rabid Red Rabbit
Dearest Jonman,
Hi. I'm a fifteen-year-old Catholic schoolgirl who lives in a small but seedy town in the midwest of the United States. Recently (back in November) I was convinced that I fell in love... With a thirty-two-year-old pizza boy. For a while, everything was well and good. Pizza-boy thought I was eighteen and would talk to me, I would flirt with him, he would flirt back. Don't even ask how I managed to spend time with a thirty-two-year-old pizza boy. Anyway, time goes by, and Pizza-boy doesn't talk to me as much. He even starts going out of his way to avoid me. When he absolutely has to see me (i.e. delivering a pizza to my domicile or just *runs into me* at work) he gets a pained look on his face and hurries away to hide. My working theory is that he found out I'm fifteen. More time passes. On Martin Luther King Day (which is when...? January) the poor guy goes away to college. College five hours away from home. He didn't even say goodbye. I had to find out from his boss. When I find this out, I begin to lose faith in myself. I'm afraid to commit to the wrong thing, so I refuse to commit to anything. I cry a lot, so people keep giving me waffles and coffee. Meanwhile, my faithful bishonen, who I keep around because he's pleasant company, interesting to look at, and a very nice guy, is becoming very possessive of me. He's also developed an interest in a beginner's bondage kind of thing, and he likes to bind me with duct tape like a sex crime victim and then feel me up and kiss my neck, which is a little disturbing. Meanwhile to this meanwhile, my best friend just stops talking to me. When I try to call, he just sits kinda quiet and doesn't respond to me. Meanwhile to that meanwhile, I'm getting more and more depressed, even considering suicide. My very open-ended question: What, if anything, do I do with myself? I shall remain

Your faithful reader,
Confused Little Death Bunny
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Mar 6 2005, 08:20 PM)
Dear Jonman
  Why is it that they write the cooking instructions for microwavable foods as rounded to the nearest hundred as when every microwave oven I've ever seen has it half way through (e.g. 650, 750 etc)? Is there some equation to work it out or should I just twiddle the knob and hope for the best?

As an aside, is it possible to survive only on microwaved ready meals? or would one start turning funny colours?

Sincerely,
Food Nuker
*



Dear Nooker

You clearly haven't seen many microwaves then. The one in my kitchen, which cost me all of 20 quid from Asda (htch - evil empire) is a 900W machine. Also, my friend the internet shows me this. Methinks your microwave observation skills need brushing up.

Anyway, I've failed to turn up any information on this, but it's my belief that the power ratings are grouped into ranges, each of which is assigned a letter. For instance, my cheap, crap one is a group E microwave. The difference between power of a micro at the top end of a range, and the power of one at the bottom is small enough that there'll be neglible difference in cooking performance. That's my guess anyway, and being as smart as I am, I'm almost definitely right. Probably. Unless someone can prove me wrong, in which case I was just testing you.

As an aside, I imagine that while it would be technically possible to suvive on microwave meals for a while, it's my suspicion (as a self-confessed vitamin-nazi) that you'd start to suffer from malnutrition before too long. If not scurvy. Vitamin C doesn't take kindly to being frozen, then microwavified, I imagine.

Hope that helps,
Jonman.
Jonman
QUOTE (Greeneyes @ Mar 6 2005, 08:29 PM)
Dear Man of Jon,

How do solid state lasers work?

Yours in curiosity,

James
*


I actually know the answer to this one. You get a really small space in a bit of semiconductor, then you make each end of the cavity about 90% reflective. Then you wazz a photon into it, and it bounces around inside, due to the relective ends. It rings it's mates, who all turn up, until there's a butt-load of them jumping around in there. Then some of them get fed up, and start to leave through the mostly reflective ends, but by that time, their mates are already turning up.

That's basically the gist of it. It's one of the few lectures from university that I can actually remember - a testament to the lecturer who delivered it, who was otherwise a bit of a twat.


However, in the interests of full explanations, I found this for you - it seems to be a good explanation (if a little on the technical side)

And for further reading, this looks like a riveting bedtime book.

Hope that helps,
Jonman
Jonman
QUOTE (trunks_girl26 @ Mar 6 2005, 08:36 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I'm currently a college student, living with one roomate and two suitemates. Both rooms are connected by a bathroom. To make cleaning this bathroom fair for all of us, we divided the work up by weeks, one person cleaning the bathroom once a month. Sounds like a happy time, right? Nope. One of our suitemates does not like the idea of cleaning the bathroom (as she flipped out when we told her about the clean up arrangement), so, she waits until the last moment of her 'day' to clean, and then does a half-assed job of it. This just creates more work for the rest of us, as we have to clean it the next week. My roomate and I are sick of it. We talked to her about cleaning it, and then when conditions didn't improve, we contacted our RA in order to have him remind them to clean. Neither has improved the condition of cleaning. So, what else can we do, besides murdering our suitemate?

-Girl who finally asked a serious question.

PS.
Here's another one.

Where did Little_Bear's sense of humor go?
*



A suitemate? Sounds like a bad daytime TV dating show presented by Davina McCall.

Anyway, onto your problem: I suggest smearing the walls of the bathroom with poo, then locking the offending suitemate in there for a couple of hours. That ought to get the message across. When you let them out, claim that you don't really like putting up with their crap either.

I must confess, I'm confused by what an RA is. Righteous Auntie? Rectangular Arthropod? Rectum Angler? They all make equal sense.

Hope that helps,
Jonman, bathroom hygene advisor to the stars.

P.S. the sense of humour is over there. No, to the left a bit.
Jonman
QUOTE (Aria @ Mar 6 2005, 08:59 PM)
Dear Jonman,
I am finishing my first year of university, with some difficulty. I have a mood disorder, and no motivation. I'm very behind in some of my classes, and I'm at risk of failing one. My question to you is, should I continue with school, considering how unmotivated I am? Should I hope that my motivation increases with time and therapy? Or should I give it all up, and move to Sweden to be a welder?
*


Okey dokey. So I'm going to hurl advice at you. Most of it is in the form of questions, which hopefully, you'll ask and answer yourself.

1 : Has your mood disorder been diagnosed by a doctor, or is it self-diagnosed? If it's self-diagnosed, go see a doctor about it. There's likely to be many many routes of treatment available to you. Not least of all, once it's been diagnosed by a medical proffessional, your university ought to give you some leeway with respect to taking some time out to get your head together.

2 : once you've been to a doctor, go see your university tutor, or head of department, or whoever is in charge of your pastoral care. Discuss the situation with them. They'll be much better prepared to talk about your options, and offer far better context-sensitive advice that I can. Likewise, have a chat with an NUS (or student body) official, to see what your rights are, and whether there's some kind of help available to you.

3 : have you identified any reasons for you lack of motivation? Other than the mood disorder (see step 1), that is. Are you not interested in your course? Are you in financial worries? Girl/boy/family trouble? If you can isolate the root causes to why you're feeling this way, you can start to tackle them. Your motivation is unlikely to spontaneously improve unless you fix whatever is causing the problem in the first place.

4 : Objectively, do you think that your motivation can or will improve? Bearing in mind the 3 previous points, you have to consider the possibility that maybe university isn't right for you right now. Maybe it's not right for you ever. However, maybe it will be totally right for you if can solve your current motivational issues. I think you need to give every option at fixing your motivation before you throw in the towel.

5 : Ask yourself why you went to university in the first place. If it was just to avoid having to get a job, then that's why your motivation is lacking right now. Have a think about what your reasons for being there are. Write them down. Stick them above your desk. Think about them. If you've got a really good reason for being there ("I've wanted to be a dentist since I was 5"), then that's your motivation right there.

6 : why Sweden?

Hope some of that might help.

Jonman.
Jonman
QUOTE (Monkey the Rabid Red Rabbit @ Mar 7 2005, 04:11 AM)
Dearest Jonman,
Hi. I'm a fifteen-year-old Catholic schoolgirl who lives in a small but seedy town in the midwest of the United States. Recently (back in November) I was convinced that I fell in love... With a thirty-two-year-old pizza boy. For a while, everything was well and good. Pizza-boy thought I was eighteen and would talk to me, I would flirt with him, he would flirt back. Don't even ask how I managed to spend time with a thirty-two-year-old pizza boy. Anyway, time goes by, and Pizza-boy doesn't talk to me as much. He even starts going out of his way to avoid me. When he absolutely has to see me (i.e. delivering a pizza to my domicile or just *runs into me* at work) he gets a pained look on his face and hurries away to hide. My working theory is that he found out I'm fifteen. More time passes. On Martin Luther King Day (which is when...? January) the poor guy goes away to college. College five hours away from home. He didn't even say goodbye. I had to find out from his boss. When I find this out, I begin to lose faith in myself. I'm afraid to commit to the wrong thing, so I refuse to commit to anything. I cry a lot, so people keep giving me waffles and coffee. Meanwhile, my faithful bishonen, who I keep around because he's pleasant company, interesting to look at, and a very nice guy, is becoming very possessive of me. He's also developed an interest in a beginner's bondage kind of thing, and he likes to bind me with duct tape like a sex crime victim and then feel me up and kiss my neck, which is a little disturbing. Meanwhile to this meanwhile, my best friend just stops talking to me. When I try to call, he just sits kinda quiet and doesn't respond to me. Meanwhile to that meanwhile, I'm getting more and more depressed, even considering suicide. My very open-ended question: What, if anything, do I do with myself? I shall remain

Your faithful reader,
Confused Little Death Bunny
*


OK. Sounds messy.

My advice? Talk to someone. School councillor might be a good place to start. Clearly, you're sufferring: you need some help.

THIS THREAD contains a whole lot of useful contact numbers (all toll-free) that will connect you with someone who can offer impartial advice, and be a friendly voice for you to talk to. Try:
The National "YOUTH" Crisis Help line 1-800-999-9999
Depression Awareness Hotline 1-800-421-4211

Please give one or more of these numbers a call. They're confidential, free, and anonymous. Simply talking the problems over with someone could help, and at the very worst, it's half an hour wasted.

Secondly, I'm not sure what your 'faithful bishonen' is. As a result, I've no idea if this is a boyfriend, or just a friend, or a teddy bear. However, I will say this. If there's any element of what goes on between you two that is not 100% consensual, then you need to stop it happening (it's tough to say from what you've written). Again, school councillor, the thread of phone numbers, and if all else fails, the police. Bondage, and other BDSM play between consenting adults can be fantastic, but it can also be dangerous if not practised correctly, both physically and emotionally. There's a wealth of excellant literature out there on ways to play safely. If you have any doubts whatsoever, put a stop to it.

As to your pizza boy, perhaps he did find out you were 15 and felt cheated, that you'd lied to him. Perhaps he was scared that he would be arrested and put in prison on paedophilia charges. To be honest, I'm not sure I could blame him for feeling that way. I think I probably would too. Either way, he's now a long way away at college, and it sounds like that's the end of that. Consider it a lesson. My personal viewpoint is that every one of my prior failed relationships was a lesson. It taught me about myself, and about other people. I came out of each one a wiser person.

And that's all the advice I have. Once again, please talk to someone about it, whether it's a councillor, therapist, or a friendly voice on the end of a phone.

Jonman
Feyliya
QUOTE (Jonman @ Mar 8 2005, 02:27 PM)
I must confess, I'm confused by what an RA is. Righteous Auntie? Rectangular Arthropod? Rectum Angler? They all make equal sense.
*


RA means Resident Assistant. They're people who live in the buildings who get paid to keep the residents in line. Usually they're upper-classmen who would normally have moved on to the better dorms or their own apartment, except for the lure of money.
Usurper MrTeapot
Dear MonJam

What is the best way to sneakilly hide a fart while recieving head?

Yours Slightly Embarrassed

PS: Urggghh...this advice isn't for me, its for a friend.
EvilSpork
Dear Jonman,

Want to blow the horn of Gondor?

Yours,
Boromir.
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Mar 8 2005, 10:06 PM)
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Mar 6 2005, 08:20 PM)
Dear Jonman
  Why is it that they write the cooking instructions for microwavable foods as rounded to the nearest hundred as when every microwave oven I've ever seen has it half way through (e.g. 650, 750 etc)? Is there some equation to work it out or should I just twiddle the knob and hope for the best?

As an aside, is it possible to survive only on microwaved ready meals? or would one start turning funny colours?

Sincerely,
Food Nuker
*



Dear Nooker

You clearly haven't seen many microwaves then. The one in my kitchen, which cost me all of 20 quid from Asda (htch - evil empire) is a 900W machine. Also, my friend the internet shows me this. Methinks your microwave observation skills need brushing up.

Anyway, I've failed to turn up any information on this, but it's my belief that the power ratings are grouped into ranges, each of which is assigned a letter. For instance, my cheap, crap one is a group E microwave. The difference between power of a micro at the top end of a range, and the power of one at the bottom is small enough that there'll be neglible difference in cooking performance. That's my guess anyway, and being as smart as I am, I'm almost definitely right. Probably. Unless someone can prove me wrong, in which case I was just testing you.

As an aside, I imagine that while it would be technically possible to suvive on microwave meals for a while, it's my suspicion (as a self-confessed vitamin-nazi) that you'd start to suffer from malnutrition before too long. If not scurvy. Vitamin C doesn't take kindly to being frozen, then microwavified, I imagine.

Hope that helps,
Jonman.
*



Bah, I knobbed up the question, the cooking instructions have the 50 on the end and the microwave ratings are rounded to 100's...I buy vitamins sometimes, but when they run out, the walk to the shop is quite far >_>
Aria
QUOTE (Jonman @ Mar 8 2005, 10:39 PM)
snippity

6 : why Sweden?

Hope some of that might help.

Jonman.
*


Thanks, Jonman. That actually did help me a fair bit. biggrin.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (MrTeapot @ Mar 9 2005, 12:02 AM)
Dear MonJam

What is the best way to sneakilly hide a fart while recieving head?

Yours Slightly Embarrassed

PS: Urggghh...this advice isn't for me, its for a friend.
*


Think about it. There's all of about 3 inches between the nose and the offending orifice. How exactly would you go about hiding it, sneakily or otherwise.

I suggest a bum-shaped cork.
Hope that helps,

Jonman
Jonman
QUOTE (EvilSpoon @ Mar 9 2005, 12:24 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Want to blow the horn of Gondor?

Yours,
Boromir.
*


I'd love to, but Sam would get ever so jealous.

Yours

Frodo.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
QUOTE (EvilSpoon @ Mar 9 2005, 12:24 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Want to blow the horn of Gondor?

Yours,
Boromir.
*


*chokes on tea*

Mwahahahahahah!!! I swear I nearly pissed myself when I read that. laugh.gif

/spam/
the lil' pie fairy
Me too! And I've just sat there watching and giggling for the last 3 minutes *is ashamed*

Anywho. Dear Jonman,

My computer won't load any javascripts when I'm browsing the good ol' internet. I tried enabling things in the security options, and checking that, but it says it's all enabled. I've also tried changing the custom level options, but no luck there.
Being as I'm at a loss to what else to try, and tired, I was wondering if you know something I don't? Can I fix it without re-installing it? And if it needs reinstalling, can I get it off the Microsoft site and will this work?

Yours without pop-up insurance quote windows, Pie
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman

Would it be some sort of social faux pas to leave instructions for my house mate. such as:
"there is a place for used teabags, it's called the bin"
and
"only put dirty things in the dishwasher if there aren't clean ones in there already"
or my favourite
"the bath mat stop you leaving big wet foot prints everywhere, put it on the floor before you get in the shower and pick it up again when after you get out"

or am I just being whiney again?

p@
Polocrunch
No Pat, you are righteous! (But not Righteous, you'll be glad to hear tongue.gif)


The Blessed Man of Jon,

I am totally incapable of making myself work. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might motivate myself? Note: I am not into S&M, but I do like chocolate.

Yours eternally (until a better agony uncle comes along),

Polo of the Crunch
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Mar 10 2005, 04:07 PM)
Me too! And I've just sat there watching and giggling for the last 3 minutes *is ashamed*

Anywho. Dear Jonman,

My computer won't load any javascripts when I'm browsing the good ol' internet. I tried enabling things in the security options, and checking that, but it says it's all enabled. I've also tried changing the custom level options, but no luck there.
Being as I'm at a loss to what else to try, and tired, I was wondering if you know something I don't? Can I fix it without re-installing it? And if it needs reinstalling, can I get it off the Microsoft site and will this work?

Yours without pop-up insurance quote windows, Pie
*



*scratches head*

What browser are you using? If you're still on Internet Explorer, first things first, download Mozilla here. Much better all round. If you've got some kind of insane desire to not do that, go get the latest version of IE, and install that.

Then check your firewall settings to check that you haven't got Javascripts disabled there. Remember, XP Service Pack 2 has a built-in firewall - you can get to the settings through the control panel.

Failing that, I haven't a clue.
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Mar 10 2005, 07:24 PM)
Dear Jonman

Would it be some sort of social faux pas to leave instructions for my house mate. such as:
"there is a place for used teabags, it's called the bin"
and
"only put dirty things in the dishwasher if there aren't clean ones in there already"
or my favourite
"the bath mat stop you leaving big wet foot prints everywhere, put it on the floor before you get in the shower and pick it up again when after you get out"

or am I just being whiney again?

p@
*


Nah, balls to him. It's a social fow-pah to leave wet footprints all the way to the dishwasher that you then fill with teabags.

My advice is to make them as sarcastic as possible:

"I don't know where your mother puts used teabags once she's done brewing cups of tea back in the rock you were raised under, but around here, we put them in the bin."

"I don't put my turds in your bed once you've put clean sheets on it. Please don't put your sh****y plates in the clean dishwasher."

"While carpet may seem like the ideal medium to dry your feet with, you may find that the bath mat is more housemate-friendly alternative."

Sure, you may lose a friend, and it may lead to some icy moments around teatime, but hey, you can't make an omlette blahblahblah.

Failing that, our technique at uni revolved around getting drunk and having house fun-fights: us against the offending housemate. Less subtle, but lots of fun.
Jonman
QUOTE (Polocrunch @ Mar 10 2005, 07:48 PM)
The Blessed Man of Jon,

I am totally incapable of making myself work. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might motivate myself? Note: I am not into S&M, but I do like chocolate.


What kind of work are we talking here? Study-type academic style? My advice there is to be a complete dictator with yourself. With a carrot/stick technique. Set yourself targets, preferably on a daily basis. Reward yourself with things (a night out, a beer and a bit of tekken, an hour on the forums, the aforementioned chocolate) only when you achieve your targets. Make sure your targets are reasonable and achievable. Write your targets down and put them in an obvious place, like above your desk, or next to your bed. Or on the inside of your room door.

Be a complete bast***d with yourself. Don't let yourself at your rewards until you achieve your targets.

Failing that, get one of them TENS units, strap it to your nuts, and give the remote control to a trusted friend. Get them to administer a shock every time you put the books down.

QUOTE (Polocrunch @ Mar 10 2005, 07:48 PM)
(until a better agony uncle comes along),

*

Pfft.
DarkInferno
Get Java

the site to update your Java uses Java... typical huh?

Dearest Man That is Called Jon

Does the 4 stroke petrol engine require any sort of back pressure on its exhaust system, if so why?

Not the brightest Inferno smile.gif
Mata
QUOTE (Jonman @ Mar 10 2005, 10:21 PM)
What browser are you using? If you're still on Internet Explorer, first things first, download Mozilla here. Much better all round.
*

Firefox really is the best browser going, especially when you start getting the extensions that are available. http://www.getfirefox.com

Currently over 25% of visitors to my site ae using Firefox! Yay! IE is down to 63% now.
DarkInferno
<spam> if (and hopfully) when you get Firefox, be sure to put it in Windows's preload list (and take IE out), it will increase the speed of Firefox no end. </spam>
Quoth(The Raven)
QUOTE (Mata @ Mar 11 2005, 10:22 AM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Mar 10 2005, 10:21 PM)
What browser are you using? If you're still on Internet Explorer, first things first, download Mozilla here. Much better all round.
*

Firefox really is the best browser going, especially when you start getting the extensions that are available. http://www.getfirefox.com

Currently over 25% of visitors to my site ae using Firefox! Yay! IE is down to 63% now.
*



Add one more to that list. A Techish friend of mine recommended Firefox... He's used it for two years, with no major problems. Good enough for me!
Jonman
QUOTE (DarkInferno @ Mar 11 2005, 02:35 PM)
Get Java

the site to update your Java uses Java... typical huh?

Dearest Man That is Called Jon

Does the 4 stroke petrol engine require any sort of back pressure on its exhaust system, if so why?

Not the brightest Inferno  smile.gif
*


Ermm, not really sure what you're asking me, but I'm going to hazard a guess and say no.

Any back pressure on the exhaust system is not a good thing. If anything, you want a low pressure at the exhaust system to drain the piston chamber when the exhaust valve opens during the piston stroke. If you have a high pressure at the exhaust nozzle, when it opens to drain the burnt air/fuel mixture, then there won't be enough of a pressure gradient to 'suck' the spent exhaust gases out. Make sense?
Jonman
QUOTE (DarkInferno @ Mar 12 2005, 01:17 AM)
<spam> if (and hopfully) when you get Firefox, be sure to put it in Windows's preload list (and take IE out), it will increase the speed of Firefox no end. </spam>
*


To turn the tables a bit - how does one do that?
DarkInferno
I've forgotten, I'll post when it comes back to mind. smile.gif

About the backpressure question... thats what I thought, but sombody said it was otherwise, and I trust your jonlike wisdom.
snooodlysnoosnoosnoodle
Dear Man of Jon,

I need to do a presentation, I have open office and their version of powerpoint is really awkward and un-user friendly. Any advice on a reasonable replacement... preferably free to download.

poorly presented,

snoo
Jonman
QUOTE (snoo @ Mar 12 2005, 06:41 PM)
Dear Man of Jon,

I need to do a presentation, I have open office and their version of powerpoint is really awkward and un-user friendly. Any advice on a reasonable replacement... preferably free to download.

poorly presented,

snoo
*


None, I'm afraid. Powerpoint is the best of a bad bunch, IMO. Anybody else feel free to recommend something?
snooodlysnoosnoosnoodle
Alas this is what I feared, thought it was worth asking though.

So... got any good ways to keep insanity at bay in a college "LRC" full of annoyingly loud chavs?
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