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Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jul 17 2003, 05:34 PM)
Dear Jonman --
Tell me, what is your favourite non alcoholic beverage? Animal? Person? Forumite( minus Mata tongue.gif )? Mountain? Sammich meat? Bodypart? Reptile? Colour? Age? Thank you in advance. I think. =P

- genuinely curious

Beverage? Pepsi One, or chocolate almond milk, or Pete The Bas****'s homemade milkshakes.

Type of animal? Platypus. Specific animal? Cheetah, the monkey in Tarzan.

Person? My girlfriend (ahhhh), my mum, and my bestest buddies (Mata, Pete the Bas****, Danman and Briman).

Forumite? Not going to play favourites here. I think the mod team are all lovely, and I'd happily pat them all on the head, and feed them jelly babies.

Mountain? Currently, Mount Rainer, as I can see it rearing it's volcanic head above Seattle on my drive to work. Or the Cascades, which I can see across the water from my lounge

Sammich meat? Tuna. Mmmm, fish products.

Bodypart? On me? I've been told I've got a nice butt. On the lay-deez? Butt obviously, narrowly followed by the back (don't ask me why, but it's a damn sexy bit).

Reptile? Geckos are ninja-cool. Iguanas suck ass. Those lizards that live in the desert, and only stand on two legs at a time are pretty awesome too. And flying lizards are good too. Basically, I just like lizards. Snakes can bite me (pun thoroughly intended).

Colour? Baby blue. It looks good on me.

Age? um, all of them?
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jul 17 2003, 08:38 PM)
Dear Jonman:

Why?

-Me

....do birds..... suddenly appear......
....everytime.....
...you are near....

....Just like me....
....they long to be.....
....in the pub.....
Jonman
QUOTE (Mata @ Jul 18 2003, 03:57 AM)
QUOTE
Thanks to the internet, I no longer have to live on top of a mountain, which to be honest, was draughty, and I had to walk flipping miles to get a decent pint.


That's not true, you used to have loads of pubs at the bottom of the hill and even then you managed to get a lift from the police once smile.gif

That's true, but they had falsely accused me of breaking into my own house, thereby making my miss my bus, so it was only fair of them.
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jul 18 2003, 03:58 AM)
I'd be quite happy to walk up a mountain and bring you a pint...as long as you aren't one of those guru's who wear socks with their sandals :/

Nah, I'm one of a new generation of gurus - out with sandals, in with super-cool sneakers! yay for shoes!
o0fish
Dear Jonman,

Is it wrong to come up with a plan to cause a work place accident involving a microwave and coffee mate, and live off of workers comp and the government for the rest of my life.

sincerly,
some one that understands how microwaves and coffee mate works
Jonman
QUOTE (o0fish @ Jul 21 2003, 01:18 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Is it wrong to come up with a plan to cause a work place accident involving a microwave and coffee mate, and live off of workers comp and the government for the rest of my life.

sincerly,
some one that understands how microwaves and coffee mate works

Jeez, what do you people think I am, some kind of moralistic guru?

*reads previous posts*

Oh, right.....

Well, officially, it would be most unethical, and morally reprehensible to stage an accident like that.

Unofficially, unless you've got a massive microwave, a bathtub sized coffee mug, and enough Coffee Mate to scare a gibbon, the amount of damage you can do is limited. I highly doubt that the state would pay out a lifetime's wages for a nasty scald on the wrist. You may get a few days off work. If you're lucky.

Unrelated, but interestingly enough, a freind of mine got compensation from a government body (The Criminal Injuries Compensation Board) for being mugged, during which he had his nose broken. He got a couple of thousand pounds. They also sent essentially a price list - the average payout you'd get for various bodily damages. 25,000 Pounds was yours if you lost a testicle as the result of criminal activity. Now, as a strapped-for-cash student, I was thinking of ways to stage a ball-bashing mugging, as, let's face it, I had two of them anyway.
Pikasyuu
Dear Jonman --
I like your abuse thread. It's pretty, and filled with creative insults. ( I'm not going in, I'd leave crying ) However, why did you feel the need to start it( Obvious fun aside )? Is your answering our odd queries not fulfilling enough? And, one more for this one, how do you feel about pets who wear clothes?

-- syuu
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jul 22 2003, 02:28 PM)
Dear Jonman --
I like your abuse thread. It's pretty, and filled with creative insults. ( I'm not going in, I'd leave crying ) However, why did you feel the need to start it( Obvious fun aside )? Is your answering our odd queries not fulfilling enough? And, one more for this one, how do you feel about pets who wear clothes?

-- syuu

It provides a sort of antithesis for this thread. Redresses the karmic balance, as well making sure the entire forum is catered for, both those that want advice, and those that need a through ticking off. Plus I was bored at work.

As for clothed pets. Dogs in sweaters is plain wrong. Monkeys in clothes is wrong, unless they're advertising tea, in which case it's not right, but it's OK. Birds in clothes is acceptable (on a moral level), and pigeons in straight jackets is a positively good thing. As are penguins in tuxedos (the engineer in me enjoys the redundancy there). I'm ambivalent towards sea creatures in clothes, but being open-minded, I'd give it a go.

But the best of course, is meerkats in shell suits. I'd pay good money to watch a film showing that. Scouser Meerkats. Genius.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

My mom and I have been fighting for the last 3 days over trivial little things. I'm afraid she's going to kick me out soon. Can I come live with you? lol

Sincerely,
May be homeless soon
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jul 22 2003, 04:54 PM)
Dear Jonman,

My mom and I have been fighting for the last 3 days over trivial little things. I'm afraid she's going to kick me out soon. Can I come live with you? lol

Sincerely,
May be homeless soon

A few months back, I'd have said sure. Now, with two people already in the apartment, it's incredible how quickly we can trash the place. I daresay that another soul in the place would cause the rubbish to build up quicker than it's humanly possible to clean, and thus we'd all 3 eventually drown in our own filth. And none of us want that.

However, my buddy Al might have some space. Shall I have a word?
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

Maybe if I get kicked out. lol

Sincerely,

LoLo
oobunnie
Dear Jonman,

How does one become a pirate. Is it something you have to be born into?
WeeJ
Dear Jonman...

I'm in a constant state of confusion...what should I do?

Yours in expectance.

WeeJ
Jonman
QUOTE (oobunnie @ Jul 23 2003, 12:20 PM)
Dear Jonman,

How does one become a pirate. Is it something you have to be born into?

By the simple application of an eyepatch, a parrot strapped to the shoulder, and a peg-leg, you'll be halfway there. Practice going "Arrr" in front of the mirror, and if you can borrow a breadknife from the kitchen, pretend it's a cutlass. Brandish it when you go 'Arrr'. You might want to sway gently from side to side to simulate the rolling of the deck in the waves. Bad-a-bing - you're a pirate!
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jul 23 2003, 12:29 PM)
Dear Jonman...

I'm in a constant state of confusion...what should I do?

Yours in expectance.

WeeJ

Live like The Dice Man. For any decision that requires a choice, simply write down 6 possible options on a piece of paper and put the numbers 1-6 next to them.

Roll a die, and do whichever action is indicated. Confusion will flee like a spanked gibbon, trust me.
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman -

How exactly DOES a spanked gibbon flee?

-The Forum's Favourite Smart-@ss
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jul 24 2003, 11:18 AM)
Dear Jonman -

How exactly DOES a spanked gibbon flee?

-The Forum's Favourite Smart-@ss

Very very swiftly. Not quite as quickly as a spanked baboon (the pink baboon-butt's are more sensitive to a spanking, you see).

Usually up into the trees as well.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman
Why is it that manual labour is so incredibly tiring yet so rewarding?? And should i be scared of the three romanian guys who have had army training and don't speak much english to me?? in fact the just look at me evilly

yours,
tired and paranoid
Jonman
It's probably all then Endolphins innit? Little hormones that swim about in your brain. A bit like miniture versions of Flipper (*sings* faster than lightning, no-one you see, is smilier than he).

As for those Romanian guys, maybe they just fancy you?
shuilong
dear jonman,

my gf thinks i hate her and really all i want is some time to myself w/o her around so i can be in my sanctuary. i've already tried explaining to her that i just want time on my own - how do i get it through to her that it's all i want and that it's not that i hate her

member of the river city ransom gang the homeboys cool.gif ,

shui
Jonman
QUOTE (shuilong @ Jul 25 2003, 11:03 PM)
dear jonman,

my gf thinks i hate her and really all i want is some time to myself w/o her around so i can be in my sanctuary. i've already tried explaining to her that i just want time on my own - how do i get it through to her that it's all i want and that it's not that i hate her

member of the river city ransom gang the homeboys cool.gif ,

shui

Oooh, a serious question - haven't had one of these for a while.

Right then shui, you ready? Here goes....


This is indeed a tough situation. Indeed, I've been there myself in the past. It's perfectly healthy to want to spend some time alone, indeed, I think it's downright odd to not want to.

The best way to approach it in my opinion is to sit down with your girlfriend, look her in the eyes, tell her you love her (or really like her - whichever is relevant for your depth of relationship). Then tell her that you need some time to yourself, just because you've always had time to yourself to do whatever it is you do in your own time. I'd advise against using the word 'but' to link those two facts together - 'but' is a bad bad word for those kinds of discussions. Tell her what you'll be doing in your time alone, so she's not left with any ideas that you'll be off chasing other skirt. Then ask her if she's OK with that.

Honesty, directness and openness - the killer 3 for successful relationships in my book.
CommieBastard
Dear Jonman,

Is it wrong for me to fancy this guy and his wife? For reference, here's the guy:


And here's his wife.

Sincerely,
Discerning.
Jonman
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 26 2003, 12:02 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Is it wrong for me to fancy this guy and his wife? For reference, here's the guy:


And here's his wife.

Sincerely,
Discerning.

Yes and no. Yes, because the guy looks a bit odd - kind of like a young Liza Minelli after losing a fight with some eyeliner, and no, cos his wife's a bit saucy, and all shiny too.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I've fooled my co-workers into thinking I'm normal. Is this a bad thing?

Sincerely,

Misunderstood
Mata
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 24 2003, 06:25 PM)
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jul 24 2003, 11:18 AM)
Dear Jonman -

How exactly DOES a spanked gibbon flee?

-The Forum's Favourite Smart-@ss

Very very swiftly. Not quite as quickly as a spanked baboon (the pink baboon-butt's are more sensitive to a spanking, you see).

Usually up into the trees as well.

*tries to imagine it* Nope, it's no good Jon, I just can't seem to picture itin my head. I think you need to make a video file of this one. It's the only way.
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jul 26 2003, 10:49 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I've fooled my co-workers into thinking I'm normal.  Is this a bad thing?

Sincerely,

Misunderstood

Depends.

On a purely moral basis, it's only bad if you use your normal status for your own gain at the expense of those poor misguided fools.

I suggest using your powers for evil. Take over the world. Start with Luxumbourg.

And ferchristsakes, when you're designing your secret flying base, make the ventilation ducts too small for a spy/ninja/assasin/hero to crawl through.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mata @ Jul 27 2003, 10:44 AM)
*tries to imagine it* Nope, it's no good Jon, I just can't seem to picture itin my head. I think you need to make a video file of this one. It's the only way.

Off to the zoo with me then.

*trots off with a bag full of bananas*
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 27 2003, 02:34 PM)
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jul 26 2003, 10:49 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I've fooled my co-workers into thinking I'm normal. Is this a bad thing?

Sincerely,

Misunderstood

Depends.

On a purely moral basis, it's only bad if you use your normal status for your own gain at the expense of those poor misguided fools.

I suggest using your powers for evil. Take over the world. Start with Luxumbourg.

And ferchristsakes, when you're designing your secret flying base, make the ventilation ducts too small for a spy/ninja/assasin/hero to crawl through.

Wow I never thought of that.....powers for evil huh?

I will make the vents too small for spy/ninja/assasin/hero to crawl through.

(goes off to make specs for secret flying base)
Pikasyuu
Dear Jonman --
There are basically two types of waffles in this world. Frozen toaster waffles, and regular waffle iron made waffles. Which of these types of waffles is superior to the other? Do you even like waffles?

- thinking of waffles
CommieBastard
Jon baby,

Jhonen Vasquez or Roman Dirge?
Rattgirl
Dear Jonman -

When attaching my snazzlegromph to the third iosomagus port on part A-324Y, the plizliggut end bent into the shape of a lemur. Is this bad? Is it fixable?

- Horridly Confused
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jul 27 2003, 03:39 PM)
Dear Jonman --
There are basically two types of waffles in this world. Frozen toaster waffles, and regular waffle iron made waffles. Which of these types of waffles is superior to the other? Do you even like waffles?

- thinking of waffles

Ah, waffles, a topic that only recently has grown close to my heart. My girlfriend introduced me to the wonder of waffles.

I would have thought it's obvious really - waffle iron waffles are clearly superior in taste, texture and flavoursome quality, but toaster waffles are just sooooo convienvient, so they're good too.

P.S. The strawberry jam filled ones are a bit ninja.
Jonman
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 27 2003, 03:49 PM)
Jon baby,

Jhonen Vasquez or Roman Dirge?

*looks around at rest of forumites for help*

*whispers* Anyone else know what he's talking about?

*shrugs*

*AHEM*

Um, yes, I think so. About half past three. Mmm.
MistressAlti
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 28 2003, 11:05 AM)
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 27 2003, 03:49 PM)
Jon baby,

Jhonen Vasquez or Roman Dirge?

*looks around at rest of forumites for help*

*whispers* Anyone else know what he's talking about?

Both are comic book artists, Jonman...
Jonman
QUOTE (Goddess of Wheee @ Jul 27 2003, 04:09 PM)
Dear Jonman -

When attaching my snazzlegromph to the third iosomagus port on part A-324Y, the plizliggut end bent into the shape of a lemur. Is this bad? Is it fixable?

- Horridly Confused

Wow, you lucky, lucky thing! A lemur, you say? Ooh, I used to have a friend who worked in a snazzlegromph factory. Terrible shame. He got his kalliwaktoo caught in the splinking machine, and he was never quite the same again. *sigh*

Anyway, he told me that lemur's are the favourite pet of the patron saint of the brother of the designer of part A-324Y (he was always full of pertinent information like that), and as a result, the isomomagus port can be reconfigured through the medium of interpretive dance to work just like 7-pin cameltoe fitting. And Bob's your uncle!
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jul 28 2003, 10:07 AM)
Both are comic book artists, Jonman...

Ah. Right.

........

What was the question again?
Mata
Just say 'Vasquez for his originality of vision' then nod sagely.
CommieBastard
Ah ha! Jonman's ignorance revealed!
And Mata's right, Vasquez beats Dirge any day.
Jonman
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 28 2003, 11:15 AM)
Ah ha! Jonman's ignorance revealed!
And Mata's right, Vasquez beats Dirge any day.

Oh right, if it was a question of who'd win in a rumble, then Vasquez anyday. She's that double rock hard bird out of Aliens innit? Yeah. She'd kick some bootay. Dunno how original her visions are, but there you go.
oobunnie
dear jon,

okay so I got a new cat from the SPCA 2 days ago, but it turns out that he's pretty sick.

I took him to the vet and they gave him shots for the fever and anti-biotics and stuff. But now they've told me I have the choice of leaving him there over night. I cant decide cause I suppose leaving him there, the vets would monitor him until they left for the night. But I dont want to leave him cause it just seems mean to me to leave a cat thats been in The SPCA twice inside a cage again. merg.. I cant decide what to do. Help me
Jonman
QUOTE (oobunnie @ Jul 28 2003, 01:54 PM)
dear jon,

okay so I got a new cat from the SPCA 2 days ago, but it turns out that he's pretty sick.

I took him to the vet and they gave him shots for the fever and anti-biotics and stuff. But now they've told me I have the choice of leaving him there over night. I cant decide cause I suppose leaving him there, the vets would monitor him until they left for the night. But I dont want to leave him cause it just seems mean to me to leave a cat thats been in The SPCA twice inside a cage again. merg.. I cant decide what to do. Help me

Well if you're concerned for the wellfare of the cat, I'd suggest doing as the vet suggested.

See, that way, you get a healthy cat who had to spend one extra night in a cage, being well cared for. Otherwise, you get a sick cat who'll just get sicker, and won't enjoy the time in which it's not in the vet's cage, as it's too busy puking and wondering why it's fur is falling out.

Hope that helps.
Sun Tsu
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 28 2003, 06:15 PM)
Ah ha! Jonman's ignorance revealed!
And Mata's right, Vasquez beats Dirge any day.

Still, I laugh my ass off at Lenore.....
CommieBastard
Lenore was good, but it was no Squee.

Jonman,
Is having a Mafia-themed wedding stupid?
Sincerely,
Don.
Jonman
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 29 2003, 02:45 PM)
Lenore was good, but it was no Squee.

Jonman,
Is having a Mafia-themed wedding stupid?
Sincerely,
Don.

Only if you don't do it properly.

Fortunately for you, I've been watching The Sopranos, so I can advise you of the necessary elements for a successful mafia-themed wedding:

Cake.
Coffee.
Wine.
Pretty Italian girls .
Fat Italian men.
A fight.
All the fat Italian men gathering around and muttering between themselves occasionally.
Children dressed as adults.
A member of the serving staff who's actually FBI, and is taking pictures of the entire event.
Everyone kissing everyone else on the cheek.
Hats. Gotta have hats.

There you go, your classic mafia-themed wedding. Go watch Godfather, Goodfellas, Casino and every episode of The Sopranos for your reserch if you need any more info.

Buono! Bella!
CommieBastard
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 29 2003, 09:51 PM)
Go watch Godfather, Goodfellas, Casino and every episode of The Sopranos for your reserch if you need any more info.

It's in two hours, I don't really have the time...but thanks!
Jonman
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 29 2003, 02:53 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 29 2003, 09:51 PM)
Go watch Godfather, Goodfellas, Casino and every episode of The Sopranos for your reserch if you need any more info.

It's in two hours, I don't really have the time...but thanks!

Watch them on fast forward then.
Sun Tsu
dear jonman,
what is the quickest possible way to get money?

- sun
Jonman
QUOTE (Sun Tsu @ Jul 29 2003, 02:55 PM)
dear jonman,
what is the quickest possible way to get money?

- sun

Turn round to the person next to you, and threaten to bite their eyes out unless they give you 5 dollars/pounds/baht/rupees etc.

Quick and easy.

I wouldn't recommend it unless you're willing to carry through the threat though, otherwise you'll look like a big soft get.

And I wouldn't recommend carrying through the threat, unless you happen to like staying at a special hotel courtesy of the government. You didn't say it had to be legal, or moral, though, did you?
Sun Tsu
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 29 2003, 10:00 PM)
You didn't say it had to be legal, or moral, though, did you?

no, i did not.
oobunnie
hey jonman,

should I get the Conform, Consume, Obey. Mr. SB t-shirt... or the Hack the corprate reality t-shirt
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