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Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Oct 14 2003, 03:23 PM)
Dear Monjan:

I have a horrible problem with procrastination. Whenever a deadline comes closer I don't panic and frantically dash out some slapped together assignment like most people I know. I wish. Oh no. My brain in its infinite wisdom (okay, it's wiser than most parts of my body) decided that my coping mechanism will be to get depressed and put off the assignment even longer until the depression passes. I'm usually quite a well balanced individual but when deadlines approach I turn into Depressed Woman who's super power is to sleep alot and stop talking. Help?

Sincerely, Mildly Depressed Woman (The deadline is still far off yet)

I'm definitely anti-crastination. Down with crastination! Down with pro-crastinators!

In all seriousness though, you need a big pad of Post-It notes, and a big oversized calendar poster - a month on a big poster type thing. I find that by sticking sticky post-its with tasks you need to complete onto the calendar, you end up with an at-a-glance view of what's going on, what needs doing when and how close the deadlines are. It's a simple tool that allows you gauge simply and easily how close deadlines are and how much panic'ing you really need to do.

It also kind of crams the information into your eyeballs, so it's inescapable and unavoidable that you'll understand that THAT assignment is due in after the weekend, and it'd going to take THIS amount of time to do. Fitting the work into the gaps in the schedule becomes a version of mental Tetris.

The flip side of this is that it will highlight the spare time you have, when you can justifiably chill out, eat ice cream, and practice pogo-sticking with no fear of guilt or depression. This is important. by rewarding yourself when you meet deadlines correctly, you set up positive reinforcement, which will subconsciously train you to be more well behaved with deadlines in future.

Basically, just be a bit organised - do some simple project management on your life. You never know - it might just work.
Jonman
QUOTE (monkey_called_narth @ Oct 15 2003, 04:30 AM)
Dear Jonman,

why is itthat a 16 and a 18 year old cant date because its considered rape, but its cool for the president to kiss a baby??

matchinthegastank boomboom

The same reason that I can kiss my nieces and nephews, and my brother and sister don't accuse me of molesting them and chop my nutsacs off.

Anyway, the legal age of consent is 16 isn't it? Is in England anyway. Dunno what it is over here....
monkey_called_narth
its 18 here
Mata
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Oct 15 2003, 05:41 PM)
QUOTE (Mata @ Oct 15 2003, 06:38 PM)
My personal option was to start teaching the class how to do more advanced things and then finally begin teaching the teacher new stuff about their software. I did this several times duing my degree course and I think it's one of the reasons that I ended up being offered a PhD placement.

Cheeky bugger.

Yep. Absolutely. But at least I did it with good enough humour that the teachers didn't mind... I could have been really cocky about it but I figure that I'm lucky to have been in a position where I can teach myself these things and if I get my tone right then I can pass on the useful stuff of what I know to others.

Which is a long winded way of saying I'm a cheeky bugger.
PrincessCadhla
QUOTE
its 18 here


It's only Statutory rape if you have sex with the underage party. You can date them, just can't play pokie pokie with them.

Age of consent laws are different from state to state (keep that in mind Brits when you come here) In my home state of Texas....the age of consent is 16, but only with someone less than 2 yrs older than the minor (at 16 you are a minor). So, 16 yr olds can bonk 18 yr olds, and 17 yr olds can bonk 19 yr olds.....etc... but after 18, you can bonk whomever you want.

I'm not really sure about under 16, I imagine 15 yr olds can bonk other 15 yr olds.
Oni Usagi
No they can't then neither one is old enough to consent. I believe the standard is the male is guilty of rape in that situation.
Starfish
Oh great and powerful Jonman of Oz,

I was wondering, if he really is my better half, why can't he ever put anything back in the fridge (except beer)? What is it about the counter that makes him think its a good place to store perishable goods? Does the counter have some kind of evil power over him? Is the counter secretly trying to poisen me by spoiling all my dairy products??

Sincerly, Sour About the Cream
Jonman
QUOTE (Starfish @ Oct 16 2003, 05:09 PM)
Oh great and powerful Jonman of Oz,

I was wondering, if he really is my better half, why can't he ever put anything back in the fridge (except beer)? What is it about the counter that makes him think its a good place to store perishable goods? Does the counter have some kind of evil power over him? Is the counter secretly trying to poisen me by spoiling all my dairy products??

Sincerly,  Sour About the Cream

Quite simply, it's his subconscious' way of getting back at you for always leaving the toilet seat down. Try leaving it up when you're done, and see if the goods mysteriously move into the fridge. Assuming that there's still room in the fridge for beer of course.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman

Where the hell is everyone?

Sincerely, Bored
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Oct 17 2003, 12:39 PM)
Dear Jonman

Where the hell is everyone?

Sincerely, Bored

Err, it's Friday. Maybe they're all off having Friday fun? You know, eating Crunchies and wotnot.
Oni Usagi
Dear Jonman,
What are Crunchies, and how do I counter their evil magic that keeps people away from the boards on Fridays.
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman:

Why are there narrow-minded people? What should be done about them?

And do you have any suggestions on how to calm my temper when they antagonize me?
Starfish
QUOTE (Jonman @ Oct 17 2003, 02:14 PM)
QUOTE (Starfish @ Oct 16 2003, 05:09 PM)
Oh great and powerful Jonman of Oz,

I was wondering, if he really is my better half, why can't he ever put anything back in the fridge (except beer)? What is it about the counter that makes him think its a good place to store perishable goods? Does the counter have some kind of evil power over him? Is the counter secretly trying to poisen me by spoiling all my dairy products??

Sincerly, Sour About the Cream

Quite simply, it's his subconscious' way of getting back at you for always leaving the toilet seat down. Try leaving it up when you're done, and see if the goods mysteriously move into the fridge. Assuming that there's still room in the fridge for beer of course.

But I do leave the toilet seat up! We have two bathrooms, one is a designated "Toilet Seat Up" bathroom and the other is the "Toilet Seat Down" bathroom.

**wonders if the counter's evil influence has infected the great and powerful Jonman**

I also encourage him to go out drinking with his mates and other man-like activities, play video games, and make him pie.
Jonman
QUOTE (Oni Usagi @ Oct 17 2003, 01:58 PM)
Dear Jonman,
What are Crunchies, and how do I counter their evil magic that keeps people away from the boards on Fridays.

Crunchies are the bestest confectionary in the world. Chocolate covered honeycomb. And none of this noncey Hershey's rubbish that passes for chocolate.

You can't counter their magic, because they're an integral part of Fridays in England. Thank Crunchy It's Friday!
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Oct 17 2003, 02:06 PM)
Dear Jonman:

Why are there narrow-minded people? What should be done about them?

And do you have any suggestions on how to calm my temper when they antagonize me?


There's always narrow-minded people. They vote Republican, and ought to wear hats that say "don't talk to me - I won't take on board what you say anyway".

I have several suggestions to calm your temper, but none of them are legal or morally justifiable, and as such, I shan't be revealing them to you.
MistressAlti
QUOTE (Jonman @ Oct 17 2003, 04:16 PM)
I have several suggestions to calm your temper, but none of them are legal or morally justifiable, and as such, I shan't be revealing them to you.

Please?

Just a little bit?
Jonman
QUOTE (Starfish @ Oct 17 2003, 02:06 PM)
But I do leave the toilet seat up! We have two bathrooms, one is a designated "Toilet Seat Up" bathroom and the other is the "Toilet Seat Down" bathroom.

**wonders if the counter's evil influence has infected the great and powerful Jonman**

I also encourage him to go out drinking with his mates and other man-like activities, play video games, and make him pie.

You are quite simply the perfect woman. Your mission in life is to go out and teach all the other women in the world to do as you do. Tell you what, I'll cut you a deal.... you teach all the women in the world to encourage videogames and nights out with buddies and provide a steady supply of pie, and I'll teach all the men in the world to put the shopping away.

Deal?
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Oct 17 2003, 02:17 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Oct 17 2003, 04:16 PM)
I have several suggestions to calm your temper, but none of them are legal or morally justifiable, and as such, I shan't be revealing them to you.

Please?

Just a little bit?

Well, most of the methods involve pointy sticks, big hob-nailed boots and/or sizable bags of Amsterdam's finest greenery. You see, my job as the agony uncle is to cure agony, not cause it.

I think.
Starfish
QUOTE (Jonman @ Oct 17 2003, 09:19 PM)
QUOTE (Starfish @ Oct 17 2003, 02:06 PM)
But I do leave the toilet seat up!  We have two bathrooms, one is a designated "Toilet Seat Up" bathroom and the other is the "Toilet Seat Down" bathroom. 

**wonders if the counter's evil influence has infected the great and powerful Jonman**

I also encourage him to go out drinking with his mates and other man-like activities, play video games, and make him pie.

You are quite simply the perfect woman. Your mission in life is to go out and teach all the other women in the world to do as you do. Tell you what, I'll cut you a deal.... you teach all the women in the world to encourage videogames and nights out with buddies and provide a steady supply of pie, and I'll teach all the men in the world to put the shopping away.

Deal?

Well, don't jump to conclusions, Jonman. LOL. I'm pretty sure I'm not perfect. I do make him fold all the laundry.

But hey, as long as he keeps folding the laundry and learns to put perishables back in the fridge, you got yourself a deal. biggrin.gif

Hmm, wonder where I can hold pie baking classes. . . .
CommieBastard
Dear Jonman,

What is a "Key Grip"? It's been bugging me for a while.
Jonman
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Nov 10 2003, 04:33 PM)
Dear Jonman,

What is a "Key Grip"? It's been bugging me for a while.

It's one of them coloured rubber thingamibits you put around the round end of keys so you easily identify which key is which, and also so your fingers don't slip off it in the rain, or in hot weather when you have sweaty fingertips.
CommieBastard
Any idea why one would have both a first name and a surname, and also appear in the credits of films?
Jonman
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Nov 10 2003, 04:38 PM)
Any idea why one would have both a first name and a surname, and also appear in the credits of films?

Well, you're not going to leave all that expensive film-making equipment lying around on location, are you now? Clearly, you need to lock it up. And because there's so much of it, you end up with shedloads of keys. So, clearly , the Key Grip is the fella who looks after the keygrips, and makes sure that every key is colour-coded with the relevant bit of rubber to ensure that everyone can unlock all their expensive move equipment the next day.













Well, OK then, alright. Here's the truth. Thanks to a bizarre freak chess accident, I ended up delivering Steven Spielberg's wife's baby last week. Well, clearly, Steve was overjoyed, and asked me if he could do anything to repay me for my kindness. "Stevey-baby", I said, "It's all in a day's work for an Agony Uncle and all-round-top-banana-geezer like myself. No recompense is necessary". But just then, my Spidey-sense tingled, and I had me a premonition that I'd need to know what a key grip was. So I asked him:
"Actually, Stevo, there is one thing, I'm going to need to know what exactly a key grip does"
"Oh, that's an easy one, he said, a key grip is the chief of a group of grips, often doubling for a construction co-ordinator and a backup for the camera crew. They work closely with the gaffer."
"Cheers me ould cuppa cha", I said as I went to leave, "you still on for that game of marbles next week?"
"Too right mate", he replied as he furtively stuffed the hamsters back into his pockets, "wouldn't miss it for all the sushi in Japan"

So, that's a bit of luck, eh Commie. There you go.
Phyllis
Dear Jonman,

Why are cats so crazy?

Yours,
Cand.
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Nov 11 2003, 10:35 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Why are cats so crazy?

Yours,
Cand.

There's a number of reasons. Imagine if you will that you were afflicted by the following conditions:

1: You eyes were slitty upwards. This means that everything you see will be the wrong way around.

2: Being totally covered in fur all the time.

3: Having to eat cat food, while everyone around you enjoys proper food.

4: Continually being picked up, woken up, petted and chased, when all you want to do is lie unmoving in a warm place for 18 hours a day.

If that was me, I'd be pissy most all the time, and stark-raving barmy the rest of the time.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman

Why is it that a multimeter has to be placed in series to measure current but in parallel to measure voltage?

Yours,
SPS
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Nov 14 2003, 10:39 AM)
Dear Jonman

Why is it that a multimeter has to be placed in series to measure current but in parallel to measure voltage?

Yours,
SPS

Right, well, old Heisenberg (beardy chap, good at physics, big nostrils) told us about being Uncertain. With a captial U. The old 'the act of observing changed the observed' type of thing, innit.

And here's the trick. When you're measuring current, you switching the meter into a zero impedance mode of operation (actually near zero, of course), so that according to Ohm (beardy chap, good at electronics, small ears), and his trusty V=IR, with a zero impedance, you're going to draw zero extra current, thus actually allowing you to accurately measure the current flowing without influencing the measurement. Similarly, when you're measing voltage, or potential differnce, you're switching the meter into an infinite impedance mode (more like very very big), such that all of the voltage that you're measuring is dropped across the meter; V=IR again.

Still, all of that doesn't actually answer your question, which I'll now do now. I'll use the trusty water analogy which pretty much got me through 4 years of an MEng.

Think about yer electricity as water. Current is the rate of flow of water, and p.d. is the slope of the ground that the water's flowing over. Resistance or impedance is the viscosity of the water. So, on a flat surface (i.e. no voltage), there'll be no current, whatever the resistance. Tilt the surface a little (induce a voltage), and the water will flow, the amount will be dependant on the viscosity (impedance).

Now, to measure those quantities in our analogy. To measure the current, we're going to need to dip our magical measuring instrument {i] into [/i] the flow, and count the molecules of water that go by (or electrons in our case). To measure the slope of the surface that our water is flowing down (our voltage), we need to stand off to one side to see high the top is, and how high the bottom is, and we can calculate the difference. Remember that voltage is potential DIFFERENCE - it's the difference in electric potential between two points.

Hope that helps,
Prof Jonman.
Debaser
Dear Jonman,

Thanks to your advise, I managed to get through The Distillers gig without wanting to slash my wrists at frequent intervals. Any more tips to make a night similar to this, where the only highlight is finding an unfinished packet of cigarettes at McDonald's, less painful?

Yours,
Too lazy to think of a funny name
Mr Fuzzy
Dear Jonman,

Why must you know answers to things? I was literally rubbing my hands with glee at SPS's multimeter question because it was damn awkward, then you knew the answer! What subjects should I try to stump you with?

Yours in awkwardness,
Malevolent bod. tongue.gif
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Nov 14 2003, 11:20 PM)
-cut out clever stuff to save space-

Hope that helps,
Prof Jonman.

ta jonman, I would have thought that electronics on a (music based) sound technology degree would be a rather silly thing and such i have NO idea what the hell the guy in the lab says...possibly because his english is terrible... the instructions read "pick-to-pick voltage" instead of peak-to-peak and we're still not entirely sure what the little thing with all the holes in is really called, i seems to have changed everyweek but we think it begins with a b oh and it we had to get laughed at by a lab asstiant for saying time domin to find out it's actually domain, mind if i stick that in my report?? no? didn't think so wink.gif
Mr Fuzzy
Ooh... I can tell you that. If you are referring to the block where you push components and wires into sprung holes, it's caled breadboard.

/me is determined to get some use from a few years working in electronics.
Sir Psycho Sexy
ooh...well so far we've had bimboard and beamboard...and protoboard which confused the b*****ks off a load of musicians i can tell you!
Jonman
QUOTE (Debaser @ Nov 14 2003, 04:29 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Thanks to your advise, I managed to get through The Distillers gig without wanting to slash my wrists at frequent intervals. Any more tips to make a night similar to this, where the only highlight is finding an unfinished packet of cigarettes at McDonald's, less painful?

Yours,
Too lazy to think of a funny name

Slightly garbled question, but I'm guessing that you're asking me how to make a similarly uninteresting night more interesting? Aside the usual solutions that come in bottles or baggies, there's the old staple of imagining everyone naked, but to make it more interesting, either allow them to imagine you naked (by being naked), or imagine them naked by forcibly making them naked.

Alternatively, dress up like a Teletubby, then when anyone asks you why you're
dressed as a Tellytubby, feign shock and ask "you mean it isn't fancy dress".

Likewise, carry a vacuum cleaner everywhere you go, and when someone asks you why you're doing it, tell them to ask the vacuum cleaner why it's allowing itself to be carried. Tell them it's called Gerald.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Nov 14 2003, 04:38 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Why must you know answers to things? I was literally rubbing my hands with glee at SPS's multimeter question because it was damn awkward, then you knew the answer! What subjects should I try to stump you with?

Yours in awkwardness,
Malevolent bod. tongue.gif

'cos I'm bloody great, me.


Subjects on which I'm not too hot:

1970's sports trivia
Elastic properties of lettuce
Underwater crochet.
Modern, post-modern, sub-modern and antimodern art.
Bovine psychology.
Supra-orbital meteorology.

Those subject's stump me. Everything else I'm good with.
Polocrunch
Darling Jonman,

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?


Yours forever,

Anon
Mr Fuzzy
Dear Jonman,
I'm worried about the distortion of the Earth's magnetic field caused by coronal mass emissions. What effects can these have on our power and communication systems, and how can we mitigate their effects?

Yours in particle physics,
Spodboy.

P.S. Nyer!
Jonman
QUOTE (Polocrunch @ Nov 14 2003, 05:29 PM)
Darling Jonman,

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?


Yours forever,

Anon

Sidestepping the obvious African or European line of questioning, as, let's face it, it's going to be pretty goshdarned similar (what's a knot or two between friends?), I would guesstimate that it's somewhere around 27 knots. At sea level, on an ISA standard day of course.

Given that the speed of sound is 340.3 m/s in similar conditions, and that a nautical mile is 1852 metres, we could also say that the swallow could fly at top whack somewhere around 0.04 Mach, which is one twenty-one'th as fast as a Boeing 777 cruises.

Ai than-queue.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Nov 14 2003, 05:40 PM)
Dear Jonman,
I'm worried about the distortion of the Earth's magnetic field caused by coronal mass emissions. What effects can these have on our power and communication systems, and how can we mitigate their effects?

Yours in particle physics,
Spodboy.

P.S. Nyer!

Ah, not to worry. We'll all be fine until the distortion is sufficient to flip the polarity of the Earth's field, and we descend in an other Ice Age, retreat into caves, and evolve massive furry bottom lips that are large enough to crawl inside of to keep warm.

Then we'll be buggered.

The only solution is to stop drinking Corona. Despite it's fresh, crisp taste, and the artful way it's served with a grubby bit of lime precariously balanced on the top, it's mass emissions are clearly screwing up the environment.

Still, it's not all bad, it makes for pretty Northern Lights though, eh?
Mr Fuzzy
Damn you! Damn you to Hull! There I go coming up with a question based on supra-orbital meteorology, then you not only come up with an answer, but it involves beer!

/me collapses into a little ball of impotent trauma.

No. Not that type of impotent you scamp!
Jonman
QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Nov 14 2003, 05:51 PM)
Damn you! Damn you to Hull! There I go coming up with a question based on supra-orbital meteorology, then you not only come up with an answer, but it involves beer!

/me collapses into a little ball of impotent trauma.

No. Not that type of impotent you scamp!

You of all people should know, Fuzzla, that when you really get down to it, when you strip all the inconsequential crap away, and get to the hub, the epicentre, the very soulof it all, that it's always about beer.

Incidientally, had I been more stupid than I am, I would have ended up at Hull university. Lucky escape, as far as I'm concerned.
Starfish
Dear Jonman,

What kinda pie should I make tonight?

Sincerly,

Pieless in Portland
Jonman
QUOTE (Starfish @ Nov 14 2003, 06:46 PM)
Dear Jonman,

What kinda pie should I make tonight?

Sincerly,

Pieless in Portland

Oooh, I tell you what, if the Portland is in Washington, you could drive some pies north up to Seattle, and drop them off at Jonman Towers, that'd be rather nice.

The Official League of Pies goes like this:

1: Steak and Kidney. It'll always be number 1, even when all the cows are radioactive, and kidneys have been evolved away
2: Chicken and Mushroom. Mmm, bird and fungus.
3: Fish. The noble fish pie. Oft forgotten, and much maligned, 'tis a wonderous treat of fishy goodness.
4: Meat and potatoe. The steak and kidney's ginger stepson.
5: Shepards. Just a smuched up variant of 4. And without pasty too. Shocking behaviour.

Steak'n'kidneyless in Seattle.
Starfish
LMAO laugh.gif

Portland is actually in Oregon. smile.gif Still only about three hours south of ya though.

Must say I disagree about the steak and kindney though. Kindney, ick. wink.gif Looks like it'll be Bird and Fungus then. Got some nice portabellas running around fridge.

Thank you, Oh Wise One.

-Previously Pieless in Portland

P.S. Replace the water-pump in my car and I'll bring you a pie.
Mata
Bird and fungus is always the way forward when it comes to pies.

Jonman somehow managed to miss off steak and ale pies, but I doubt they make them in the US.

In reference to why he knows the answer to all questions, the solution is simple. He's a smartarse, just like me. Whenever we don't know an answer we blag it. If we can't blag it we make something daft up to distract from our lack of knowledge. If we can't think of anything amusing/that refers to beer then we might resort to searching the interweb for info and pretending we knew the answer all along.

Alright then, here's my question, when will we next get the chance to down a few beers and play console games together?
Jonman
QUOTE (Starfish @ Nov 14 2003, 07:03 PM)
LMAO laugh.gif

Portland is actually in Oregon. smile.gif Still only about three hours south of ya though.

Must say I disagree about the steak and kindney though. Kindney, ick. wink.gif Looks like it'll be Bird and Fungus then. Got some nice portabellas running around fridge.

Thank you, Oh Wise One.

-Previously Pieless in Portland

P.S. Replace the water-pump in my car and I'll bring you a pie.

Oh yeah. I knew that. The Oregon thing.

As for the water pump, get a train - I only live about 7 blocks from the train station.

Oh, and kidneys are the daddy. Cooked badly, they are indeed ick. Cooked properly, they make sliced bread look like old ladies' undies.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mata @ Nov 14 2003, 07:23 PM)
In reference to why he knows the answer to all questions, the solution is simple. He's a smartarse, just like me. Whenever we don't know an answer we blag it. If we can't blag it we make something daft up to distract from our lack of knowledge. If we can't think of anything amusing/that refers to beer then we might resort to searching the interweb for info and pretending we knew the answer all along.


Shhhhhhh! You'll give the game away.


QUOTE (Mata @ Nov 14 2003, 07:23 PM)
Alright then, here's my question, when will we next get the chance to down a few beers and play console games together?


Before Hell freezes over. More than that, who the blinking flip knows? I'm planning to move back to Seattle once I'm done in Cinci in March to chill here for a few years. Then we'll likely move back to England for a few years, then decide which of the two we're going to settle a bit longer-term in. As for visiting - dunno. Early next year I'll be back for a short visit. We'll have to try and sort something out.
Googlebot
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Jonman
QUOTE (Googlebot @ Nov 17 2003, 03:08 AM)
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11010001101010011010010011010?

1110001010010:
"1100101010010010100", 100001001010100.

11100001101010, 10001010101010001010001010100101010101010010! wink.gif
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

My job seems to be wanting to promote me and I don't want to be promoted. I've tried slowing down the pace, sitting on the counters, talking on their phone, sitting on the counters talking on their phone, and yet they still talk about it. Any advice in getting them to stop wanting to promote me?

Sincerely,
Trying damn hard to be lazy.
WeeJ
Dear Jonman,

Will there ever be another UK Matameet?

Yours in expectance

WeeJy WeeJy Bo Beejy Banana Fanna something something something
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