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Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jun 5 2003, 03:55 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Why does fate hate me?

-Me

Fate, schmate.

I'm a firm unbeliever in fate. It's a ludicrous concept. Predetermination my left hairy buttock. Cause and effect, and random chaotic behaviour. That's all there is to it.

On a more serious note, being a believer in fate implies that you're a non-beliver in free will and self-determination, which I find to be quite a depressing state to be in.

One of my personal mottos - if something in life sucks, do something to change it, better it, get rid of it, or ignore it.
Pikasyuu
Dear Jonman -
Bandaids don't work on emotional wounds. What do you suggest?

- evil agony niece syuu
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I want a ciggy can I have one?

-LoLo (should never had said she was going to quit smoking)
TigerLily013
Dear Jonman,

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Sincerely,

Someone with too much time on her hands =P
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (TigerLily013 @ Jun 5 2003, 05:34 PM)
Dear Jonman,

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Sincerely,

Someone with too much time on her hands =P

I already asked Jaq that question, so if you'd like the answer, try her agony aunt thread. =P
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 5 2003, 11:52 PM)
Dear Jonman -
Bandaids don't work on emotional wounds. What do you suggest?

- evil agony niece syuu

Emotional bandaids.

Or the company of good friends who love you.

Either works well.
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jun 5 2003, 11:55 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I want a ciggy can I have one?

-LoLo (should never had said she was going to quit smoking)

Far be it from me to interfere with you giving up.

If you want one, and don't want to give up, go for it. If you really want to give up, stop being a silly sausage, and throw them away....
TigerLily013
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 5 2003, 08:40 PM)
QUOTE (TigerLily013 @ Jun 5 2003, 05:34 PM)
Dear Jonman,

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Sincerely,

Someone with too much time on her hands =P

I already asked Jaq that question, so if you'd like the answer, try her agony aunt thread. =P

i was unaware there's a thread called that but thanks tongue.gif
craziness
my dearest uncle monjan,
i am supposed to be asleep right now. actually, i was supposed to be asleep an hour ago. but instead i am posting, because i dont feel like going to sleep and my door is locked so if my mom comes by i can turn the moniter off real quick and i wont be caught. am i bad?
SuperKathoid
Dear Jonman,

Hi! How are you?

-Super K
Jonman
QUOTE (SuperKathoid @ Jun 6 2003, 03:05 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Hi! How are you?

-Super K

Emotionally turquoise. Thanks for asking.
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman

My mum keeps dropping subtle (like a brick) hints that i should get a job, i want a job, but i can't face working in a shop where i have to wear some sort of stupid suit or in a dungeon (sometime refered to as shopping mall or centres). Coincidently will there always be an arsehole customers wherever you work??

Sir Psycho Sexy OBE (not really)

P.S. welcome back, i just got back meself and it's good to see a hairy J about again
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman:

What would be the safest and most effective way to time-travel without ripping the space-time continuum?

Sincerely,
Me.
LittleGothBoy
At times I wonder, does God exist?
Pikasyuu
Dear Jonman --
How goes it? ( or, how are you for those who don't get it. )

- syuu
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Jun 10 2003, 06:53 PM)
Dear Jonman

My mum keeps dropping subtle (like a brick) hints that i should get a job, i want a job, but i can't face working in a shop where i have to wear some sort of stupid suit or in a dungeon (sometime refered to as shopping mall or centres). Coincidently will there always be an arsehole customers wherever you work??

Sir Psycho Sexy OBE (not really)

P.S. welcome back, i just got back meself and it's good to see a hairy J about again

Usually, yes. Unless you can find a job where you don't actually have any contact with customers.

As a warning, customers are the least of your worries. Little Hitler middle-managers with little to no people skills are a far more frustrating phenomenom to deal with, and seem to have infected every corporate structure like an insidious viral plaugue.

Get a paper-round, that's pretty stress free.
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jun 12 2003, 06:42 PM)
Dear Jonman:

What would be the safest and most effective way to time-travel without ripping the space-time continuum?

Sincerely,
Me.

Fly round the world backwards really fast, so you spin the world backwards, thereby reversing time.

It worked for Superman.

More realistically, you'll need access to a number of high-powered particle accelerators, several extrememly clever physicists (the balder the better), and a shed load of money. Not to mention a cunning way of manufacturing, storing and manipulating exotic materials, in-depth knowledge of quantum mechanics and relativistic calculus, and a spaceship shaped like a willy.

*dusts hands off*
Jonman
QUOTE (LittleGothBoy @ Jun 12 2003, 07:40 PM)
At times I wonder, does God exist?

Unequivocally, yes. If only in the minds of believers, that still counts.
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 12 2003, 09:15 PM)
Dear Jonman --
How goes it? ( or, how are you for those who don't get it. )

- syuu

Very well, thank you.

I'm being all domestic and that at the moment - trips to Ikea, putting together flat packed furniture and cooking dinner. It's all good.
Lalalalala.

And you?
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 12 2003, 01:45 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 12 2003, 09:15 PM)
Dear Jonman --
How goes it? ( or, how are you for those who don't get it. )

- syuu

Very well, thank you.

I'm being all domestic and that at the moment - trips to Ikea, putting together flat packed furniture and cooking dinner. It's all good.
Lalalalala.

And you?

Good to hear. =P Hopefully you wont have any more dull trips in the near future. Bah @ work.
I'm suuuper. Thanks for asking. :)

- syuu
Pikasyuu
Dear Jonman --
Over the last three days, due to some unfortunate events, I have been plagued by that all around not okay emotional icky-ness and a few extremely unpleasnt thoughts. You seem like the best person to go to. How do I make it go away?

- utterly-obnoxiously-depressed
WeeJ
Dear Jonman,

I appear to have lost the will to live.
People keep making pathetic jokes about the amount of **shudder** 'bling bling' in my ankle.
I do NOT set off airport security
My ankle is NOT magnetic and nore does it feel heavier than before I had the 5 screws and a plate. I should also point out that I also do NOT rust in the bath dry.gif

How can I make these people shut up, or at least think of something a little more witty?

Yours in crutch-ness

The Wee one
x
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman:

What does happiness feel like?

Yes, I'm serious.

-Me
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

what happened to your thread? why is it so far back?

sincerally this guy who cares about your witty opinions and funny thoughts on lifes because your an interesting guy
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 23 2003, 06:08 PM)
Dear Jonman --
Over the last three days, due to some unfortunate events, I have been plagued by that all around not okay emotional icky-ness and a few extremely unpleasnt thoughts. You seem like the best person to go to. How do I make it go away?

- utterly-obnoxiously-depressed

Blimey.

Sorry I missed this one syuu - been having a mad busy couple of weeks, with lots of travelling (hence no net access).

Hope things are a bit better now.

If not, do stupid fun stuff. Only a few weeks ago, I was throwing water balloons and fun snaps out of the 15th floor apartment windows onto the street below. It felt so naughty, it was quite delicious. I recommend utter nonsense like that. Take a trip to your local toy shop, and buy some silly fun stuff.
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jun 24 2003, 07:37 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I appear to have lost the will to live.
People keep making pathetic jokes about the amount of **shudder** 'bling bling' in my ankle.
I do NOT set off airport security
My ankle is NOT magnetic and nore does it feel heavier than before I had the 5 screws and a plate. I should also point out that I also do NOT rust in the bath dry.gif

How can I make these people shut up, or at least think of something a little more witty?

Yours in crutch-ness

The Wee one
x

'lo Wee.

Why not claim to be the 64 million dollar (wo)man for the next generation, but due to inflation, 64 million bucks is worth much less than it used to be, so they could only afford to do your ankle, and ran out of budget before they could do the telescopic vision, super speed and hulk-like strength.

Failing that, throw shrimp at them whenever they make jokes like that. In very little time, you can condition a Pavlovian response that will stop them from doing so. Unless they really like shrimp. In which case, use fish heads.

If it's folk you don't like that make the jokes, the simple expediant of screaming incoherently, with spittle flying from your lips ought to make sure they think you're a mentalist, and avoid you in the future.

Hope that helps...
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jun 24 2003, 07:59 AM)
Dear Jonman:

What does happiness feel like?

Yes, I'm serious.

-Me

A bit like being full of warm explosive candy floss.
Jonman
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jul 14 2003, 11:31 AM)
dear jonman,

what happened to your thread? why is it so far back?

sincerally this guy who cares about your witty opinions and funny thoughts on lifes because your an interesting guy

Quite simply, no-one posted in it. I was happy to let it slide, but if there's folk who need questions answered, then...

*DA-DEE-DA*
*flies in through window, lands, trips over rug, lands on table, breaks legs off table and knocks over vase*
*stands up, and dusts off*
*grins* *TING*

Jonman to the rescue!

*rubs shin*
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

quite the entrance.... laugh.gif

now for a question... do you think its bad to listen to the same song/cd all day?

sincerally,

me, not you, not that guy, or this guy, possably that woman, but not the one next to her, and not that old lady either.
Phyllis
dear jonman,

do you have any cures for insane, mind-numbing boredom?

yours,
blarg.
Debaser
dear jonman...

why is frozen pizza so...crap?

yours,
that guy who sits on the park bench near your house yelling at kids
Jonman
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jul 14 2003, 12:08 PM)
dear jonman,

quite the entrance.... laugh.gif

now for a question... do you think its bad to listen to the same song/cd all day?

sincerally,

me, not you, not that guy, or this guy, possably that woman, but not the one next to her, and not that old lady either.

Yes. Listening to the same song more than twice in a row, or the same album more than 3 times in a row is plainly wrong. Unless you're deaf.
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Jul 14 2003, 12:13 PM)
dear jonman,

do you have any cures for insane, mind-numbing boredom?

yours,
blarg.

Several.

Videogames (Yahoo games here, some are quite fun), go out for a run/cycle/walk if the weather's good (preferably with some tasty tunes attached to your shell-likes), or the old favourite that never fails to brighten up a bored moment, the rude thing that starts with M, and rhymes with...um...err... basturbation?
Jonman
QUOTE (Debaser @ Jul 14 2003, 12:28 PM)
dear jonman...

why is frozen pizza so...crap?

yours,
that guy who sits on the park bench near your house yelling at kids

Have a yell at those kids for me. Must be a bit of a commute over to Seattle though, eh?

Anyway, not all frozen pizza was created equal. I've just disocvered a ninja-good brand (California Pizza Kitchen) that kicks ass. Dunno if it's made it over the pond.

What I suggest you do, if you're studenty-budget will stretch to it, is have a pizza off. Get all your housemates to chip in, then go to the supermarket, and buy one of each brand of pizza. Cook the lot, and competetively judge them against each other, thus identifying the best brand, and taking note of which offers best taste-to-cost ratio.

I did a similar fish-finger-off a few years back. It was the 22nd best thing I ever did.
WeeJ
Dear Jonman,

I'm scared the metal (titanium) in my ankle will set off airport alarms and they'll wanna strip search me unsure.gif
Im actually being serious! Does titanium set off the bleep machines in airports?

Waiting eagily for your reply.....

WeeJy
x
MistressAlti
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 14 2003, 01:04 PM)
*DA-DEE-DA*
*flies in through window, lands, trips over rug, lands on table, breaks legs off table and knocks over vase*
*stands up, and dusts off*
*grins* *TING*

Jonman to the rescue!

*rubs shin*

Dear Jonman,

Were you wearing a spandex costume during that graceful and dramatic entrance? How about a cape?

Sincerely, Me
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jul 14 2003, 01:08 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I'm scared the metal (titanium) in my ankle will set off airport alarms and they'll wanna strip search me unsure.gif
Im actually being serious! Does titanium set off the bleep machines in airports?

Waiting eagily for your reply.....

WeeJy
x

Dear Weej,

Using my awesome scientific knowledge, and vast engineering judgement, I say that no, titanium, will not set off the alarm.

OK, I lied, I Googled for it...

It says so here!

But I did guess that first anyway, as titanium isn't ferromagnetic, so it won't have a much smaller effect on the magnetic detectors.

So there you go.
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jul 14 2003, 01:33 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 14 2003, 01:04 PM)
*DA-DEE-DA*
*flies in through window, lands, trips over rug, lands on table, breaks legs off table and knocks over vase*
*stands up, and dusts off*
*grins* *TING*

Jonman to the rescue!

*rubs shin*

Dear Jonman,

Were you wearing a spandex costume during that graceful and dramatic entrance? How about a cape?

Sincerely, Me

Yup. Uber-tight pink spandex from the neck down and a fishnet wrestling mask. And cowboy boots. With spurs.

No cape though - that would just look stupid.
CrissiLove
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 14 2003, 01:58 PM)
It was the 22nd best thing I ever did.

Dear Jonman,

I love pizza, so I liked your pizza off idea tongue.gif hehe My question *curious*: what was the 9th best thing you did?

from,
me
Jonman
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Jul 14 2003, 02:06 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 14 2003, 01:58 PM)
It was the 22nd best thing I ever did.

Dear Jonman,

I love pizza, so I liked your pizza off idea tongue.gif hehe My question *curious*: what was the 9th best thing you did?

from,
me

There's actually three equal 9th best things I ever did.

( A ) Suggesting and organising my snowboarding holiday up in Canada earlier this year, for which a bunch of buddies back home flew out for.

( B ) Getting paid to snorkle off the beach in Honolulu

( C ) The time I fell asleep in a field with one of my best friends, who had such a bad hangover when we woke up that he couldn't remember who I was, or where he lived.

As a result, there is no 10th or 11th best thing - we go straight onto the 12th (which incidentally involves Mata, a foam rocket and a captive audience)
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 15 2003, 06:56 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 23 2003, 06:08 PM)
Dear Jonman --
Over the last three days, due to some unfortunate events, I have been plagued by that all around not okay emotional icky-ness and a few extremely unpleasnt thoughts. You seem like the best person to go to. How do I make it go away?

- utterly-obnoxiously-depressed

Blimey.

Sorry I missed this one syuu - been having a mad busy couple of weeks, with lots of travelling (hence no net access).

Hope things are a bit better now.

If not, do stupid fun stuff. Only a few weeks ago, I was throwing water balloons and fun snaps out of the 15th floor apartment windows onto the street below. It felt so naughty, it was quite delicious. I recommend utter nonsense like that. Take a trip to your local toy shop, and buy some silly fun stuff.

s'quite alright. =P Yup, the problem seems to be fixed now. That's the best advice ever, the toy store is the funnest ( my new word ) place on earth, and waterballoons go well with wet t-shirts. Thanks!
Jonman
QUOTE (syuu @ Jul 14 2003, 02:20 PM)
s'quite alright. =P Yup, the problem seems to be fixed now. That's the best advice ever, the toy store is the funnest ( my new word ) place on earth, and waterballoons go well with wet t-shirts. Thanks!

Ugghhhhh....water balloons and wet t-shirts...... genius....


Toy stores good. I want to go fly a kite (up to the highest height), but it never seems to be bloody windy enough. Grr.
ravein
yeah on Friday when I was all down about my geckos, my gf gave me some sweet big green foam hulk hands!!! you put your hands in them like boxing gloves and hit stuff.. it makes this cool arrrrrrrrrrr sound... it says stuff like 'hulk smash arrrrrr' if that doesnt cheer you up nothing will...

Question for Jon...
I am burnt out on work... cant take the job anymore but cant afford to quit. Cant take anymore vacation time until August.... any ideas to make the job a bit more bearable?
Jonman
QUOTE (ravein @ Jul 14 2003, 02:39 PM)
Question for Jon...
I am burnt out on work... cant take the job anymore but cant afford to quit. Cant take anymore vacation time until August.... any ideas to make the job a bit more bearable?

ARRR, JON SMASH......

Ooh, that's one way to make the job more bearable. Irradiate yourself, then get pissed off at work, turn into the Incredible Hulkein, and SMASH the office to iddy-biddy bits. Hey presto - no more work!

On a more serious note, without knowing what you do for work, I'll have to stick to being pretty general and vague (and maybe even hand-wavy if you're lucky).

Firstly and foremostly: it may be difficult to achieve, but when you leave work, LEAVE WORK. Don't talk about it once you get home, don't even think about it, not until you get there the following day. It's vitally important when you're feeling all work-stressy to seperate work from personal time, as it's that personal time that chills you out and makes you a normal person instead of a cranky work-screwed wreck. Hand-in-hand with this is protecting that personal time. If you're working 80 hour weeks, you're going to be get burnt out real quick. As far as possible, try and keep to a standard work schedule, and avoid the overtime for a bit. Get out of the workplace at lunchtime - meet a friend for lunch or just go and sit in the park with a book and a sandwich.

Second: spend lots of intimate time with your girlfriend (keep your mind out of the gutter - I wasn't talking about doing the nasty (although that's good too)), just hanging out together, in bed, on the sofa, just wandering about, or out on a boat/bike/car/train whatever. Just relaxing and being reminded of why you two are together (which sounds like a good thing from the way you talk about it) ought to put you in a better frame of mind.

Third: see my advice to syuu on the previous page - do a bit of childish regression - go to the toy store, buy some silly articles of fun, and make asses of yourselves in public. It's strangely liberating. Likewise, engage in 100% indulgent recreational activities at least once every day. Spoil yourself.

And that's about that. Some other options are to make voodoo dolls of your boss and/or co-workers, start playing innocent practical jokes on them (whoopee cushions are a faviourite of mine, 'cos they're so ludicrously puerile. Ooh, I've even seen remote control fart machines - they're great laugh.gif

And if you spend any time on telecons at work - here's a beaut I got from Dilbert. We actually used to do this at my old job - much hilarity ensued.

( 1 ): Draw a characature mask for each person on the telecon (not those inthe same room). Just something simple on a bit of printer paper works fine.
( 2 ): When each person on the phone starts talking, someone picks up their mask, holds it up to their face, and mimes that person talking.
( 3 ): repeat as the speaker changes.
WARNING - judicious use of the mute button may be required to conceal the guffaws that result.
Mr Fuzzy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 14 2003, 10:28 PM)
I want to go fly a kite (up to the highest height), but it never seems to be bloody windy enough. Grr.

You need the right kind of kite for the conditions squire. They make 'em for all types of wind from gentle breeze to gale. You should hunt down a full on kite shop somewhere. Mind you, the ones you would want are a bit on the pricey side - 80-100 in old country terms...

I once flew a 10 foot flexifoil in a gale... Using a climbing harness and a concrete post so I didn't end up too far off the ground. unsure.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Jul 14 2003, 03:33 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 14 2003, 10:28 PM)
I want to go fly a kite (up to the highest height), but it never seems to be bloody windy enough. Grr.

You need the right kind of kite for the conditions squire. They make 'em for all types of wind from gentle breeze to gale. You should hunt down a full on kite shop somewhere. Mind you, the ones you would want are a bit on the pricey side - 80-100 in old country terms...

I once flew a 10 foot flexifoil in a gale... Using a climbing harness and a concrete post so I didn't end up too far off the ground. unsure.gif

Haha! Appreciate the expert advice, Fuzzler, but I'm on top of it - my girlfriends got a spanky stunt kite, but we've not taken it out in any decent wind since we got together. And I already know where the local kite (and juggling kit) supplier is.

Quite fancy a super-ninja foily bad boy though - am thinking about having a kitesurfing lesson sometime this summer for giggles anyway.
Mr Fuzzy
I'm glad whenever I see somebody take an interest in kites. There's nothing quite like being dragged along the ground leaving furrows from your beels by an angry sounding kite!
Jonman
QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Jul 14 2003, 03:45 PM)
I'm glad whenever I see somebody take an interest in kites. There's nothing quite like being dragged along the ground leaving furrows from your beels by an angry sounding kite!

I bought my wee little nephew the world's smallest kite at a vastly inflated price from a street salesman in Covent Garden. A tenner for this iddy kite about 4 inches tall. Damn beer for making me all happy-go-lucky.

To be fair though, it actually was quite cool - the little kneebiter loved it.
WeeJ
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 14 2003, 07:01 PM)
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jun 24 2003, 07:37 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I appear to have lost the will to live.
People keep making pathetic jokes about the amount of **shudder** 'bling bling' in my ankle.
I do NOT set off airport security
My ankle is NOT magnetic and nore does it feel heavier than before I had the 5 screws and a plate. I should also point out that I also do NOT rust in the bath  dry.gif

How can I make these people shut up, or at least think of something a little more witty?

Yours in crutch-ness

The Wee one
x

'lo Wee.

Why not claim to be the 64 million dollar (wo)man for the next generation, but due to inflation, 64 million bucks is worth much less than it used to be, so they could only afford to do your ankle, and ran out of budget before they could do the telescopic vision, super speed and hulk-like strength.

Failing that, throw shrimp at them whenever they make jokes like that. In very little time, you can condition a Pavlovian response that will stop them from doing so. Unless they really like shrimp. In which case, use fish heads.

If it's folk you don't like that make the jokes, the simple expediant of screaming incoherently, with spittle flying from your lips ought to make sure they think you're a mentalist, and avoid you in the future.

Hope that helps...

Dear Jonman,

I've tried your trick of throwing seafood (a slight variation, I went for live mackrell) at these people but they won't stop.
I am being mocked regualy at work and have now been nicknamed 'Pegleg'

Please help
WeeJster

ps - I can't throw food stuffs at my boss
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jul 14 2003, 03:53 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I've tried your trick of throwing seafood (a slight variation, I went for live mackrell) at these people but they won't stop.
I am being mocked regualy at work and have now been nicknamed 'Pegleg'

Please help
WeeJster

ps - I can't throw food stuffs at my boss

Well, there's your problem right there, Peggy. You can't threaten anyone with a mackerel, that's obvious, and certainly not a live one. Mackerel are one of the nicest fish in the sea. No doubt within minutes of you hurling them at folk, they'd befriended those people, and were busily regaling them with highly amusing anecdotes of undersea life, no doubt over a drink that I'd warrant the mackerel had paid for.

Now, shrimp, on the other hand, are the most evil seadwellers in the world (except for pilotfish, which are obviously underwater evil incarnate). Evil-minded little sods, are shrimp. They'll bear grudges for as long as you can remember, and even go so far as to pass grudges down through the generations. Your grandfather upset a shrimp during the Scunthorpe crustacean riots of 1933? I guarantee that any shrimp you meet will know it, and hold it against you.

Thus, hurling shrimp will put the fear of shellfish-hatred into the target. People will run in abject terror to avoid being struck by an airborne miffed shrimp, and thus incur prawn-wrath which will haunt their decendants for millenia to come.
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