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Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Jan 9 2004, 08:19 AM)
QUOTE (leopold @ Jan 9 2004, 02:02 PM)
They have 'em in Gap as well, we got some fer the kids.  They're really good.

But they dun use the removable mitteny bit to smoke.  Or at least I hope they don't  unsure.gif

Oh, an they do do 'em in pink.

oooooooo *jumps up and down*
i need to go shopping!! does anyone want to come with me?

I can't. My new year's resolution is to stop haemoraging money like it's going out of fashion. Mmm, bad case of mixed metaphors there.....

Of course, it's an easy one to keep for the next week, seeing as I have no money until the 15th.

Ooh, actually, if we swing by BestBuy, I've got a 50 buck gift certificate I can blow on needless consumer electronics products. Woo-hoo! Sorted - let's go!
the lil' pie fairy
yay laugh.gif where would we go if we could though?? *ponders* i don't think there's a bestbuy in the uk huh.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Jan 9 2004, 08:35 AM)
yay laugh.gif where would we go if we could though?? *ponders* i don't think there's a bestbuy in the uk huh.gif

Well, if it helps, we could transatlantically shop together - I'm about to nip out on me lunchbreak and splash the birthday cash. Why don't you go shopping now (4pm?) and we can call it having gone shopping together. Compare purchases when we get back....
Phyllis
Dearest Jonman,

I am so dismayed. I do not know what to do.

I am talking to WeeJ..and...brace yourself for this. It will be a shock to you too.

She did not try jerky.

Where did we go wrong?! *sobs*

Disappointedly yours,

Cand.
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Jan 9 2004, 12:23 PM)
Dearest Jonman,

I am so dismayed. I do not know what to do.

I am talking to WeeJ..and...brace yourself for this. It will be a shock to you too.

She did not try jerky.

Where did we go wrong?! *sobs*

Disappointedly yours,

Cand.

*picks up jaw*

*wipes off drool*

That young lady is in a whole heap of trouble. Clearly, she must've been kidnapped by aliens (probably true, they mostly kidnap people from the states), or spent the entire holiday drunk/locked in her room/in some bizarre cultural backwater of the country where they don't have jerky.

Shame. That's it, I'm going to send her some, and she's going to try it whether she likes it or not.
Alanity
Dear Jonman,

Which linux distro would be best for a computer without much hard drive space to spare that needs a 2.4 or newer kernel? (ok, not needs, but I don't want to be installing drivery things until I'm comfortable in linux and 2.2 doesn't support my pci card). I've tried Knoppix but the screen went black and I had no idea what to do about it, I was confused by the Debian release naming system and didn't know what to get, and I'd really like to try Fedora but it uses up too much space. While I'm here I guess I could also ask how do I view and open files on ntfs partitions? Is it possible "out of the box" or do I have to install anything in particular?

You seemed to do ok with my last question but I don't know if I'm pushing things a bit here. tongue.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (Alanity @ Jan 9 2004, 03:28 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Which linux distro would be best for a computer without much hard drive space to spare that needs a 2.4 or newer kernel? (ok, not needs, but I don't want to be installing drivery things until I'm comfortable in linux and 2.2 doesn't support my pci card). I've tried Knoppix but the screen went black and I had no idea what to do about it, I was confused by the Debian release naming system and didn't know what to get, and I'd really like to try Fedora but it uses up too much space. While I'm here I guess I could also ask how do I view and open files on ntfs partitions? Is it possible "out of the box" or do I have to install anything in particular?

You seemed to do ok with my last question but I don't know if I'm pushing things a bit here. tongue.gif

Well, even the mighty Jonman isn't above 'fessing up when he's in over his depth, and I have to admit, I know more about Mongolian crochet than I do about Linux.

However, I spotted this thread on a forum a couple of days ago and have searched out the link....

Linux thread on Penny Arcade Forums

I haven't read through the thread myself, as it would likely make no sense to me whatsoever.

Happy hunting!
Alanity
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jan 10 2004, 07:43 PM)
I know more about Mongolian crochet than I do about Linux.

Fair enough, wasn't expecting much. There's still a few people on here who may be able to help.
the lil' pie fairy
dear shopping buddy,

in light of our recent trip, i brought some new beige knee high suede boots and a snug-fit raspberry pink turtle neck jumper in the sales biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

yourself??

pie xx
WeeJ
Dear Jonman,

How long does jetlag last with a 5 hour time difference (US is 5 hours behind local Birmingham time laugh.gif ) and could you suggest a good way of getting round it?


Yours in slumber,


The Wee one
x
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Jan 11 2004, 12:50 PM)
dear shopping buddy,

in light of our recent trip, i brought some new beige knee high suede boots and a snug-fit raspberry pink turtle neck jumper in the sales biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

yourself??

pie xx

I got me an Xbox game (Splinter Cell for a princely 20 bucks), a comedy CD by Andrew Dice Clay, which isn't that good, and some nifty little boxes to store my gameboy games in and some headphones for the aforementioned gameboy. Not a bad haul for 50 bucks....
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jan 11 2004, 12:56 PM)
Dear Jonman,

How long does jetlag last with a 5 hour time difference (US is 5 hours behind local Birmingham time laugh.gif ) and could you suggest a good way of getting round it?


Yours in slumber,


The Wee one
x

Ah, yeah, I'm used to this one. 5 hours? Pfft. I'm used to an 8 hour time difference from the trip home from the West Coast. Anyway, here's my hard-earned jetlag-recovery advice.....

Basically, what you need to do is to force your body into accepting the local time zone where you are. Try some or all of the following....

1: Get some exercise - go down the gym, for a run, or whatever you can muster up to get the blood flowing. This is perhaps the best point. It'll not only give your matabolism a kick up the ass, but it'll tire you out so that when you go to bed, you'll be tired enough to sleep.

2: Eat meals only at mealtimes, even if you're not hungry - that'll relearn your body when mealtimes are.

3: Get out in the sun as much as possible - another very important point, as it tells your brain what time of day it is probably better than anything.

4: Try and stick to a normal sleeping pattern as much as you can, i.e. go to bed at a regular time, and wake up when you're supposed to.

5: This one may not work for everyone, but I've had strange success with it. A night out on the razz works wonders for me - I get trashed, then I have no trouble sleeping, I have a hangover for one day, then when it's bedtime that day, I'm knackered, so I have no trouble sleeping again.

Having said all that, be prepared for it to take at least a week before you're feeling 100% again.

Again, the most important thing is to rigorously keep you activities to the local time. That's the quickest way to get over it.....
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jan 11 2004, 11:26 PM)
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Jan 11 2004, 12:50 PM)
dear shopping buddy,

in light of our recent trip, i brought some new beige knee high suede boots and a snug-fit raspberry pink turtle neck jumper in the sales biggrin.gif  biggrin.gif

yourself??

pie xx

I got me an Xbox game (Splinter Cell for a princely 20 bucks), a comedy CD by Andrew Dice Clay, which isn't that good, and some nifty little boxes to store my gameboy games in and some headphones for the aforementioned gameboy. Not a bad haul for 50 bucks....

jonman, you make shopping in america sound like one big chicken impression, is this the case?
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

im 17 years old. male. in highschool. why isnt my life like a 1980's teen love movie where i make all my friends hate me to gain a date with the popular girl only to realize how stuck up she is, dump her, and get my friends back only to realize that im in love with my childhood friend?

yours,

looking for a more interesting life that will cause problems and my hair to turn grey at the age of 19
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Jan 11 2004, 04:44 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jan 11 2004, 11:26 PM)
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Jan 11 2004, 12:50 PM)
dear shopping buddy,

in light of our recent trip, i brought some new beige knee high suede boots and a snug-fit raspberry pink turtle neck jumper in the sales biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

yourself??

pie xx

I got me an Xbox game (Splinter Cell for a princely 20 bucks), a comedy CD by Andrew Dice Clay, which isn't that good, and some nifty little boxes to store my gameboy games in and some headphones for the aforementioned gameboy. Not a bad haul for 50 bucks....

jonman, you make shopping in america sound like one big chicken impression, is this the case?

It's funny you should say that - if you do chicken impressions in any shop in the States, the supervisors of the shop are obliged by Federal law to join you in a chicken dance. Great fun it is....

"...with a little bit of this, and a little bit of that, and shake your bum-de-dum-de-dum,
Laaa-la-la-LAAA, LAAA-LAAAAAAAAA, LAAAA-la-la....."
Jonman
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jan 11 2004, 05:15 PM)
dear jonman,

im 17 years old. male. in highschool. why isnt my life like a 1980's teen love movie where i make all my friends hate me to gain a date with the popular girl only to realize how stuck up she is, dump her, and get my friends back only to realize that im in love with my childhood friend?

yours,

looking for a more interesting life that will cause problems and my hair to turn grey at the age of 19

Y'know, I used to wonder the same thing. I wanted to be able to plug a Barbie doll into my Spectrum 48k, and thereby get Kelly LeBrock to wander out of a cloud of dry ice wearing skimpy knickers and magic me a Ferrari out of nowhere.

However, with the benefit of hindsight and my advanced age, I can now objectively look back on those times and realise that her perm was truly outrageous, and to be seen with a women of such ludicrously big hair today would require me to move to the deep South, buy an El Camino, grow a mullet and rent me a trailer.

Similarly in your situation, no amount of stuck-up popular girl poontang is worth wearing nylon suits with the sleeves rolled up and using more hairspray than Whitesnake to achieve that perfect Flock of Seagulls quiff. So I should stop worrying about it, and do fun things instead. Might be worth looking up the number of your childhood love too. Give her a call - the worst she can do is tell you to sod off.

Oh, and don't worry about going grey. Worry about going bald. You can't dye baldness.
WeeJ
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jan 11 2004, 11:34 PM)
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jan 11 2004, 12:56 PM)
Dear Jonman,

How long does jetlag last with a 5 hour time difference (US is 5 hours behind local  Birmingham time laugh.gif ) and could you suggest a good way of getting round it?


Yours in slumber,


The Wee one
x



1: Get some exercise - go down the gym, for a run, or whatever you can muster up to get the blood flowing. This is perhaps the best point. It'll not only give your matabolism a kick up the ass, but it'll tire you out so that when you go to bed, you'll be tired enough to sleep.

2: Eat meals only at mealtimes, even if you're not hungry - that'll relearn your body when mealtimes are.

3: Get out in the sun as much as possible - another very important point, as it tells your brain what time of day it is probably better than anything.

4: Try and stick to a normal sleeping pattern as much as you can, i.e. go to bed at a regular time, and wake up when you're supposed to.

5: This one may not work for everyone, but I've had strange success with it. A night out on the razz works wonders for me - I get trashed, then I have no trouble sleeping, I have a hangover for one day, then when it's bedtime that day, I'm knackered, so I have no trouble sleeping again.

Having said all that, be prepared for it to take at least a week before you're feeling 100% again.

Again, the most important thing is to rigorously keep you activities to the local time. That's the quickest way to get over it.....

Cheers Jonman, you're an angel.

Only problem is, I'm back at work so I don't get to see the light of day anymore sad.gif
Its dark when I arrive at work and when I leave. I should go out for lunch, but I cba when it's cold unsure.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jan 12 2004, 06:52 AM)
Cheers Jonman, you're an angel.

Only problem is, I'm back at work so I don't get to see the light of day anymore sad.gif
Its dark when I arrive at work and when I leave. I should go out for lunch, but I cba when it's cold unsure.gif

*polishes halo*

Put a coat on, and get outside for lunch. Admittedly, it's probably a bit grey and gloomy anyway, but it'll pay dividends when you actually feel human again next week, instead of still lurching around like a zombie.
Phyllis
Dear Jonman,

I have a question about toasters. Why do they all have an arrow pointing to one side that says "one slice?" Will something horrible happen if you are toasting only one slice of bread and put it in the other side, or will it just not toast?

I contemplated trying this myself to see what would happen, then I decided it would be best to consult an expert, so I don't accidentally bring about a nuclear holocaust or similar.

Yours,
Cand.
Jaq
Dear Jonman:

Thanks very much for the suggestion as to what to do. Unfortunately I've recently discovered a long lost to-do list that I never bothered getting done. Would you perhaps have time to do one of these items? It would be really appreciated, since now according to you I have to take over the world on top of it.

1. Eradicate puce.
2. Take over world.
3. Pick up drycleaning.
4. Buy cool dictator hat.
5. Go to PTA meeting.
6. Conquer Lithuania.


Perhaps I could consolidate #s 2 and 6?


Thanks for all your help, Jaq
jicama
dear jonman

if you had to make a meter long representational cross-contour sculpture out of metal rods, what would it be of?

sincerly yours;
uninspired
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Jan 12 2004, 02:44 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I have a question about toasters. Why do they all have an arrow pointing to one side that says "one slice?" Will something horrible happen if you are toasting only one slice of bread and put it in the other side, or will it just not toast?

I contemplated trying this myself to see what would happen, then I decided it would be best to consult an expert, so I don't accidentally bring about a nuclear holocaust or similar.

Yours,
Cand.

Maybe you've got a posh toaster or something. Us commoners have toasters that don't have the arrow you mentioned, and I've miraculously got through 27 years without causing nuclear toasticaust. Either I've just been unbelievably lucky, and always unwittingly used the correct side of the toaster, or they're just trying to scare the general population into a state of worldwide unrest and paranoia through the medium of low-cost kitchen appliances.

And it seems to work, apparently. Well done, them.

Tell you what - give it a whirl - I'll keep an eye out of the window on the east side of the building. If I see a bright flash, I'll have a couple of minutes to leg it down into the basement before the blast wave hits.
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jan 12 2004, 04:34 PM)
Dear Jonman:

Thanks very much for the suggestion as to what to do. Unfortunately I've recently discovered a long lost to-do list that I never bothered getting done. Would you perhaps have time to do one of these items? It would be really appreciated, since now according to you I have to take over the world on top of it.

1. Eradicate puce.
2. Take over world.
3. Pick up drycleaning.
4. Buy cool dictator hat.
5. Go to PTA meeting.
6. Conquer Lithuania.


Perhaps I could consolidate #s 2 and 6?


Thanks for all your help, Jaq

Clearly, by achieving #2, you'll end up achieving #6. Unless you want to keep Lithuania as an independant state, so that you've got someone to lord over the fact that the rest of the world is yours. I guess without that, the monumental achievement may be somewhat hollow. Mind you, if I was going to do that, I'd choose somewhere a bit better than Lithuania. Hawaii, or the Bahamas, or new Zealand, or Japan - something like that.

Oh, and puce is no more. I've just eradicated it.

And 'cos I'm nice, I've found you the hat that you need to get. Dictator hats clearly don't come much cooler than this...

Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Jan 12 2004, 05:09 PM)
dear jonman

if you had to make a meter long representational cross-contour sculpture out of metal rods, what would it be of?

sincerly yours;
uninspired

Well, call me lazy, but I'd make it a representation of some metal rods. Can't go wrong with that, really, can you now. Very post-modern, too. mmm.

If that's a little too smarmy for your liking, how about making a representation of a blind-deaf boy re-enacting the seminal 80's classic, Ferris Bueller's Day Off through the medium of interpretive dance?
Phyllis
Dear Jonman,

Well, what do you know? There actually is a purpose to the arrow on the toaster. I toasted two slices of bread. One in the correct slot and one in the incorrect slot. The one in the incorrect slot popped up after about 30 seconds, and was hardly toasted at all.

No nuclear toasticaust. I must say, I'm slightly disappointed.

Meanwhile, I have another question. What is the best cure for a hangover? I'm not hungover...but it was the best question I could think of and I figure it'd be a useful bit of information to know.

Yours,
Cand.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

How do I ween my mom off of Home and Garden Television?

Sincerely,
LoLo
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Jan 12 2004, 08:24 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Well, what do you know? There actually is a purpose to the arrow on the toaster. I toasted two slices of bread. One in the correct slot and one in the incorrect slot. The one in the incorrect slot popped up after about 30 seconds, and was hardly toasted at all.

No nuclear toasticaust. I must say, I'm slightly disappointed.

Meanwhile, I have another question. What is the best cure for a hangover? I'm not hungover...but it was the best question I could think of and I figure it'd be a useful bit of information to know.

Yours,
Cand.

Well, what's the blinking point in that? I mean really, why should only one side of the toaster work? Damn engineers, can't trust 'em I tells ya.

As for hangover cures, different folks swear by different approaches. My patented method is to take a couple of aspirin or paracetamol before you hit the sack the night before (assuming you're not too toasted to remember to do that), and drink at least a pint of water.

Then, in the morning, force yourself to actually get out of bed - although you'll feel like curling up in pain in there, you'll feel a lot better a lot faster if you actually manage to rouse yourself. Drink loads of water and fruit juice, and have something to eat as early as you can stomach it. Bland light foods will see you good - bananas are ideal - lots of sugary goodness to give you that energy start. More painkillers can take care of the headache, or some Alka-Seltzer type stuff if you're feeling really nauseius, but not both.

And an early night the night after.
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jan 12 2004, 08:32 PM)
Dear Jonman,

How do I ween my mom off of Home and Garden Television?

Sincerely,
LoLo

Electro shock therapy.
porcelainwarrior
Dear Jonman,

I have over twenty ulcers (and no idea how I got them). I've been on various evil creams since Tuesday and they're not working, how do I get rid of them?

Yours in desperation
Lumpy-Tongue
Jonman
QUOTE (porcelainwarrior @ Jan 16 2004, 01:11 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I have over twenty ulcers (and no idea how I got them). I've been on various evil creams since Tuesday and they're not working, how do I get rid of them?

Yours in desperation
Lumpy-Tongue

Ah, that'll be you mistaking me for a doctor then. I really ought to stop wearing the stethoscope, eh?

To be honest, I haven't a scooby-doo how to get rid of them - I suggest at the very least seeking advice from a pharmacist, if not a doctor, who can prescribe you some stuff to kill the nasty little buggers.

And in future, no more kissing skanky people, you hear?
WeeJ
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jan 16 2004, 03:40 PM)
QUOTE (porcelainwarrior @ Jan 16 2004, 01:11 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I have over twenty ulcers (and no idea how I got them). I've been on various evil creams since Tuesday and they're not working, how do I get rid of them?

Yours in desperation
Lumpy-Tongue

Ah, that'll be you mistaking me for a doctor then. I really ought to stop wearing the stethoscope, eh?

To be honest, I haven't a scooby-doo how to get rid of them - I suggest at the very least seeking advice from a pharmacist, if not a doctor, who can prescribe you some stuff to kill the nasty little buggers.

And in future, no more kissing skanky people, you hear?

Porce, use Bonjela (baby teething gel) It doesn't make them go away, but it tastes nice and sops them hurting.

Dear Jonman,

I've got a cracking headache and another hour before I can leave work and bugger off home.
What should I do to kill the time?

WeeJy snuggly wuggly kissy wissy-ums
x
oobunnie
Dear Jon,

On Tues. I got robbed. Well I got robbed whilist at work, so It really wasnt my stuff. However it was very lame and cliche. The fellow didnt even bother to bring a weapon, he had his hand shoved in his pocket. But we still had to give him the cash because of policy. My question is why would they make us give money to some random fellow that doesnt even bother to bring a weapon? Is there a way for me to scare these fellows off without going against policy?

Oh and how cop most cops are really good looking, but scare the heck outa people?
porcelainwarrior
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jan 16 2004, 04:00 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jan 16 2004, 03:40 PM)
QUOTE (porcelainwarrior @ Jan 16 2004, 01:11 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I have over twenty ulcers (and no idea how I got them). I've been on various evil creams since Tuesday and they're not working, how do I get rid of them?

Yours in desperation
Lumpy-Tongue

Ah, that'll be you mistaking me for a doctor then. I really ought to stop wearing the stethoscope, eh?

To be honest, I haven't a scooby-doo how to get rid of them - I suggest at the very least seeking advice from a pharmacist, if not a doctor, who can prescribe you some stuff to kill the nasty little buggers.

And in future, no more kissing skanky people, you hear?

Porce, use Bonjela (baby teething gel) It doesn't make them go away, but it tastes nice and sops them hurting.

Dear Jonman,

I've got a cracking headache and another hour before I can leave work and bugger off home.
What should I do to kill the time?

WeeJy snuggly wuggly kissy wissy-ums
x

he's not skanky!

i hate the taste of bonjela!

i went to my doctor and he gave me fungus-smiting cream! blink.gif

theyre startig to heal but im still dribbling like a 90 yr old with a denture problem and am supposed to be going to a par-tay tonight...with aforementioned "skank" dry.gif tongue.gif
Phyllis
Dear Jonman,

How was the wedding? I realized the other day that Sunday had come and gone (plus I saw you call her your wife in another thread, which jogged my memory as well..hehe).

Yours,
Cand.

PS: Congratulations biggrin.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Jan 22 2004, 10:56 AM)
Dear Jonman,

How was the wedding? I realized the other day that Sunday had come and gone (plus I saw you call her your wife in another thread, which jogged my memory as well..hehe).

Yours,
Cand.

PS: Congratulations biggrin.gif

Thank you for your groncatulashuns.

The wedding was wicked good. We all played 'Here Comes the Bride' on kazoos as Kat walked down the makeshift aisle (we tied the knot outside), the ceremony was lovely, performed by one of our friends, who said some wonderful things, then I cried like a girl all through my vows, then we walked back down the 'aisle' as man and wife playing the Super Mario Bros. music on our kazoos. Most entertaining it was. Pictures will be going online in a few weeks.

I got to do the cake smushing thing too, which I'd never seen before I went to an American wedding - it's just not done in England. However....it will be done at our second wedding (we're greedy), which will be white dress and tux malarky next year. I can't wait to see the look on everybody's faces, as all of my friends and family won't have a clue what's going on!

I'm still adjusting to not thinking of my mum every time I hear 'Mrs Jonman'.
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jan 22 2004, 06:10 PM)
I'm still adjusting to not thinking of my mum every time I hear 'Mrs Jonman'.

you should nip that in the bud, it could turn awkward.....or really really really really REALLY scary....don't think of your mum when you look at the missus


...oh dear probably shouldn't have shared that...oh well tongue.gif
WeeJ
Dear Jonman,

Things are kind of sucky at home at the moment.
Can I come live you and Mrs Jon? I promise I'm house trained. And I cook a mean breakie.

Failing that, how do you manage not to strangle the people you love? Or even those you dont?

Yours with party ring biscuits.

WeeJ
Tarantio
-steals party ring biscuits and runs-

(whilst running) Dear jonman,

How do we get the weasels?
Also, what do you do when, at work, you get introduced to your team leader two days after he is trained in how to do your job, which you have been doing for ages, and about a day after he is trained to do his job, which, you find out, you have actually been doing for him for the last three weeks, and you absolutely hate the bugger for it? Then when you meet him, he starts abusing his power and acting like a real arsehole (manager) instead of a slightly more important grunt, which he is, and you find out you really dont like him, and that dace has some of his thoughts about him?

yours annoyedly, Tara and DACE
Fallen1015
dear jonman,
how can i train my cat to do my homework?

tanky
Mary
Mata
QUOTE (Fallen1015 @ Feb 10 2004, 11:57 PM)
dear jonman,
how can i train my cat to do my homework?

Ooo, good question. I think it involves mind-melds, but I'll leave Jon to work this one out.
spiffilicious05
QUOTE
QUOTE (Fallen1015 @ Feb 10 2004, 11:57 PM)
dear jonman,
how can i train my cat to do my homework? 


Ooo, good question. I think it involves mind-melds, but I'll leave Jon to work this one out.


And how would I do that? huh.gif laugh.gif
Tigersong
QUOTE (Mata @ Feb 11 2004, 06:19 AM)
QUOTE (Fallen1015 @ Feb 10 2004, 11:57 PM)
dear jonman,
how can i train my cat to do my homework?

Ooo, good question. I think it involves mind-melds, but I'll leave Jon to work this one out.

If you can figure this out, Jonman, I will worship the ground you walk on for ever. *calls* Heeeeere Hushpad... learn my Immunology homework for me...!
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Feb 10 2004, 12:58 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Things are kind of sucky at home at the moment.
Can I come live you and Mrs Jon? I promise I'm house trained. And I cook a mean breakie.

Failing that, how do you manage not to strangle the people you love? Or even those you dont?

Yours with party ring biscuits.

WeeJ

Dear Wee One.

Seeing as our living arrangements back in the land of warm beer are currently unknown (other than a hotel booked for a couple of weeks while we get a flat sorted), I hesitate to give you a firm answer on this one. And while the idea of three-in-a-bed appeals, we've agreed to at least talk about it first and negotiate, rather than springing it on the other one. There's also a potential conflict of interest in that Mrs Jonman doesn't have a job waiting, so it'll be a finite amount of time before she's in work. In that interim period, she'll be playing the wife to the full, so there'll be no need for a brekkie chef.

Mind you, we could probably do with an au pair - we're messy buggers on the whole, and cleaning doesn't half cut into videogaming time.

As for anti-strangulation tactics, the simple, if somewhat harsh solution is to amputate your hands. There'll be no strangling going on at Chez Stumpy, let me tell you. If that's a little extreme, you might want to try taking as much as a break from the annoying loved ones as you can - go visit a friend for a weekend, even better if they live in another city. It's like moving in with me and the wife for a short period of time, but without the cooking.
Jonman
QUOTE (Tarantio @ Feb 10 2004, 01:28 PM)
-steals party ring biscuits and runs-

(whilst running) Dear jonman,

How do we get the weasels?
Also, what do you do when, at work, you get introduced to your team leader two days after he is trained in how to do your job, which you have been doing for ages, and about a day after he is trained to do his job, which, you find out, you have actually been doing for him for the last three weeks, and you absolutely hate the bugger for it? Then when you meet him, he starts abusing his power and acting like a real arsehole (manager) instead of a slightly more important grunt, which he is, and you find out you really dont like him, and that dace has some of his thoughts about him?

yours annoyedly, Tara and DACE

The weasels?

I'm assuming you're not talking about the rare tropical disease which causes the spleen to liquify and leak out of one's armpits? Beacuse you don't want that. Assuming you get the vaccine in time (which is extracted from the knees of rare rainforest snakes, and therefore in critically short supply), you would still have a life of sticky armpits to look forward to, as well as having no spleen to vent, of course. Not a pleasant state to be in, so I'm assuming you're not talking about that.

I'm also assuming you're not talking about the one-hit non-wonders, The Weasels, who's one and only record release "I wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting" peaked in the UK at chart position 943 back in 1992.

So assuming we're talking about small furry rodents, you can either go to the pet store, or go out in the woods with a net and some cheese. Weasels, like all rodents are mental for cheese. Make sure it's a nice tangy cheddar, or at the very least a smooth, creamy Wensleydale. Avoid Roquefort or Brie - weasels are notorious francophobes, and will instinctivey attack anything French on sight. For the same reason, don't wear a beret.

As for the work things, I suggest organising a team building event, but iniviting only the new boss. Tell him it's theme paintballing, and send him out into the woods. Replace his paintballs with cheeseballs, and tell him that it's in vogue for pro paintballers to wear berets. He'll never make it out alive.
the lil' pie fairy
dear jonman,

*eating pie* why is pie so good?
more importantly, how am i going to deal with my ex's new angry at me girlfriend in just over a week's time, when i don't even want to set eyes to him (it's a vindictive and almost psychotic hatred after monday) let alone have "wonderful jo" have a go at me? i don't want to get into a large argument...but i won't be had a go at dry.gif

yours (with pie) (and chocolate mousse)

pie xx
Jonman
QUOTE (Fallen1015 @ Feb 10 2004, 04:57 PM)
dear jonman,
how can i train my cat to do my homework?

tanky
Mary

To be fair - mind melds would work to some extent, but cats are rubbish at physics.

The easier solution is simple. Drop maths, english, history, geography and all that crap. You'll never need it anyway. Change courses so that you're doing the following subjects

: Elementary lying around in the sun all day
: Advanced licking your own genitals
: Creative hairball vomiting.
: Applied tail chasing (not to be confused with skirt chasing - quite a different subject)


bad-a-bing! Your cat will be awesome at doing all of your homework for you!

Tigersong - the ground under me will be listening out for your prayers....
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Feb 11 2004, 09:08 AM)
dear jonman,

*eating pie* why is pie so good?
more importantly, how am i going to deal with my ex's new angry at me girlfriend in just over a week's time, when i don't even want to set eyes to him (it's a vindictive and almost psychotic hatred after monday) let alone have "wonderful jo" have a go at me? i don't want to get into a large argument...but i won't be had a go at dry.gif

yours (with pie) (and chocolate mousse)

pie xx

Hold on, I'll phone a friend:

*brrrrring brrrrring!*

"Lo!"

"Hello Weebl, this is Jonman"

"Lo jonman"

"So, why is eating pie so good Weebl?"

"urghh?
......
'cos 'tis pie! Mmmm, pie"

"Cheers fella, I'll pass that on. Say hi to Bob for me. And Chris the Ninja Pirate too - I've not seen him for a while"


Hope that answers the pie question. As for the nasty new girlfriend, here's a few solutions, ranging from the downright rude to the more calm.

1 : when she approaches you, tell her that you've written down some important thoughts that you'd like her to read. Then pass her a piece of paper with 'f*** off' written on it many many times.

2 : Hear her out, then hand her 20p (or a quarter, depending on which country you're in) and tell her to go ring someone who gives a f***

3 : Try and remain calm whilst talking to her. Calmly and rationally explain what happened, how you felt, and why you did whatever you did. Avoid laying blame on her or your ex - that'll only put her on the defensive. Be honest, but not hurtful.

4 : Invite her out for coffee to calmly and rationally discuss the issues. This will either defuse the tension, and you'll then meet up for coffee and a chat, or, more likely the way you describe it, it'll anger her and she'll start shouting. At this point, you've already won the moral victory.

5 : If she starts off on one, try and defuse the situation with words along the lines of "I know you're upset with me and I'm sorry for that. What can I do to make you feel better?" Assuming of course, that you don't want to rip right back into her, in which case, go right ahead.

6 : Offer her pie.
franken-sarah
Dear Jonman.....

I keep reading stuff about "living in the moment". Being a highly skilled perpetual worrier how does one develop this skill as opposed to going over stuff again and again in your head that happened ages ago and you can't do anything about now anyway?? sad.gif

Thanks and hugs to you, learned one, in anticipation...... Sarah
craziness
dear monj,
i cant permanently come back to these forums. i like them, but i have moved passed them. it would be like regressing. and i must admit i am doing better in school this year....lol anyways...a lot of people are telling me to come back and i feel bad, but i just cant. also, my email is bouncing at mata and that is bad because its probably extremely annoying to him, but i deleted my old email adress and i dont have one right now. what should i do?
Jonman
QUOTE (franken-sarah @ Feb 11 2004, 01:25 PM)
Dear Jonman.....

I keep reading stuff about "living in the moment". Being a highly skilled perpetual worrier how does one develop this skill as opposed to going over stuff again and again in your head that happened ages ago and you can't do anything about now anyway?? sad.gif

Thanks and hugs to you, learned one, in anticipation...... Sarah

Dear frankie-poos.

The following piece of advice is either a revolutionary breakthrough in online psychology, or a bunch of claptrap spouted by some bloke who has no understanding of the issues involved. I'll leave it up to you to decide....

In my personal experience, the best way to stop worrying about something is to tell yourself to stop worrying about it. Seriously. It works for me. If I'm worrying about something, I look at the cold hard facts and ask myself the following question:
"Can I do anything to change the situation that I'm currently worrying about for the better, such that I'll be worrying about it less, or not at all?"

If the answer to that question comes out to be 'no', then I feel like a fool for worrying about something that I can't do anything about, and I get all fatalistic about it. If what's going to happen is going to happen no matter what you do, then there's no logical point or need to worry about it. So I don't.

If the answer to that question comes out to be 'yes', then I've got the option of either doing something about the issue, in which case, there's no need to worry, or making the conscious decision to not do the things that I could do to fix it, in which case there's no need to worry, but there may well be need to feel guilty. Not sure that that's a better emotion to deal with, but in that case, you've only got yourself to blame for feeling guilty. Righteous, well deserved guilt is a far more managable emotion for me than impotent guilt, anyway.

And that's the best I've got to offer. It's very very very simple in theory, but not so easy in practice. You never know though - it might just work.
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