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Pab
Dear Jonman,

So what? Do people think Google can replace agony uncles? BUMP, dammit ....

Yours sincerely,

Agonys second cousin twice removed


Edit: Woops ... I see Little Green Goth is in there as a form of agony niece ... Good on'er ... so much agony in the world ... Long live the Agony Family .. It'd also make a good tv series ©pab 2004 - Infinity
Polocrunch
[Busty Aristocratic Regency Woman Mode]


My dear, sweet Jonman,

I have recently come into the possession of several large estates, following the death of an eccentric great aunt. The aunt in question was most dear to me, and subsequently left me all of her worldly goods, including the Electorship of Hannover itself! However, in her will she stated one condition: I must marry within a month of inheriting her fortune.

Following my subsequent advert in the most reputable news distributor of our era - the Times Newspaper (a marvellous concept, don't you agree?) - I have received no less than fifty-three offers of marriage! Of course, I quickly weeded out the tradesmen, commoners and lesser nobility (of whom there were an unfortunate quantity), and I now find myself having to choose between three fine young men of excellent breeding and with yet more excellent social potential.
The first is Lord Roebrooke, Earl of Windershire and owner of the largest pig-farming estates in all England. He is quite easily the wealthiest of the the three suitors, and a fine hard worker. However, he is physically less than satisfactory, and there are distasteful rumours regarding his involvements with some of the male members of his household.
The second is Baron Ludwig von Munthausen, a German nobleman of not inconsequential heritage. He is sixth in line to the Prussian throne, though at the moment he holds few estates of his own. He is, however, an extraordinarily lucky gambler, and holds a great oratory talent (among other physical capabilities of which there are many positive reports) in English, German and French. He is said to be an up-and-coming member of the Prussian and Hessian royal households, his chief talent being his ability to charm the ears of all those in power.
The final suitor is the Duke of Yardsmouth. Despite being of apparent lower rank than myself, he holds an extremely powerful position in government, being the Lord of the Admiralty and a much-respected soldier and politician. He is extremely wealthy thanks to his personal conquests in the northern regions of the Indian subcontinent, and has a very great reputation as an entertainer. He, of course, is not nearly as wealthy as Lord Roebrooke, but the prospects for the tea-trade, in which the Duke owns a considerable stake, have never been so high.

The question which I therefore submit to you, my most esteemed friend, is: which of these young men should I accept as my husband?

I do hope you are able to suitable advise me on the matter, as I and my maidservants and bosom amis are quite unable to select the better man.

Yours in deepest regard,

Lady Violet Heathe, Duchess of Humbershire and Elector of Hannover.
Mata
Dear Jonman,


You may be surprised to receive this letter from me
since you do not know me personally. I am Sadu Madiga, the first son of Gadik Madiga, a popular black farmer in Zimbabwe who was murdered in the land dispute in my country. I got your contact
through network online hence decided to write you.
Before the death of my father, he had taken me to
Johannesburg to deposit the sum of US8.6 million
(Eight million, Six Hundred thousand United States
dollars), in one of the private security company,
as he foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe this money was deposited in a box as family treasure to avoid much demurrage from security company. This amount was meant for the purchase of new machines and chemicals for the Farms and establishment of new farms in Swaziland.
This land problem came when Zimbabwean President Mr.
Robert Mugabe introduced a new Land Act Reform
wholly affecting the rich white farmers and some
few black farmers, and this resulted to the killing and mob action by Zimbabwean war veterans and some lunatics in the society. In fact a lot of people were killed because of this Land reform Act for which my father was one of the victims.

It is against this background that, I and my family
fled Zimbabwe for fear of our lives and are
currently staying in the Netherlands where we are
seeking political asylum and moreso have decided to
transfer my father’s money to a more reliable
foreign account. since the law of Netherlands
prohibits a refugee (asylum seeker) to open any
bank account or to be involved in any financial
transaction throughout the territorial zone of Netherlands, As the eldest son of my father, I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine foreign account where this money could be transferred without the knowledge of my government who are bent on taking everything we have got. The South African government seems to be playing along with them.

I am faced with the dilemma of moving this amount of
money out of South Africa for fear of going through
the same experience in future, both countries have
similar political history. As a businessman,I am
seeking for a partner who I have to entrust my
future and that of my family in his hands, I must let you know that this transaction is risk free. If you accept to assist me and my family, all I want you to do for me, is to make an arrangements with the security company to clear the consignment(funds) from their afiliate office here in the Netherlands as i have already given directives for the consignment to be brought to the Netherlands from South Africa.But before then all modalities will have to be put in place like change of ownership to the consignment
and more importantly this money I intend to use for
investment.

I have two options for you. Firstly you can choose
to have certain percentage of the money for nominating your account for this transaction. Or you can go into partnership with me for the proper profitable investment of the money in your country. Whichever the option you want, feel free to notify me. I have also mapped out 5% of this money for all kinds of expenses incurred in the process of this transaction.
If you do not prefer a partnership I am willing to
give you 20% of the money while the remaining 75%
will be for my investment in your country. Contact me
with the above telephone number or my E-mail address
while I implore you to maintain the absolute
secrecy required in this transaction. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law in your country.

Thanks, GOD BLESS YOU

Yours Faithfully,
Sadu Madiga.
Pab
Cher Jonman

Permettez-moi de vous informer de mon désir d'entrée dans un rapport d'affaires avec vous. J'ai obtenu votre votre contact en faisant des recherches. J'ai priée pendant plusieurs jours et après cela j'ai choisi de vous
contacter parmis plusieurs autres personnes. Je pense que vous êtes digne de la recommandation de ma prière, donc une personne honorable de confiance avec qui je peux faire des affaires. Ainsi je n'ai aucune hésitation à me fier à vous pour des affaires simples et sincères.

Je suis KONAN FABIENNE fille unique de mes défunts parents M. et Mme KONAN PIERRE DAVID. Mon père était un négociant de cacao et exploitant d'or à Abidjan la capital économique de la Côte d'Ivoire, mon père a été empoisonné à la pénurie par ses associés d'affaires au cours de l'un de leurs voyages d'affaires.

Ma mère est morte quand j'étais tout petit et depuis lors mon père m'a pris en charge. Avant la mort de mon père en novembre 2003 dans un hôpital privé d'Abidjan, il m'a secrètement appelé à côté de son lit et m'a indiqué qu'il a la somme de douze millions cinq cents mille dollars americains USD ($12,500.000) dans une banque ici à Abidjan, et qu'il avait utilisé mon nom en tant que sa fille et benéficiaire de ces fonds pendant qu'il les déposait dans cette banque
Il m’a également expliqué que c'était en raison de cette richesse qu'il a été empoisonné par ses associés d'affaires. Il à aussi souhaité que je cherche un associé étranger dans un pays de mon choix où je transférerai cet argent et l'emploierai dans des investissements tel que la gestion de biens immobiliers ou la gestion d'hôtels.
Monsieur, je demande honorablement votre aide de la manière suivante:
(1) Pour me fournir un compte bancaire sur lequel transférer cet argent.
(2) Pour servir de gardien de ces fonds puisque j’ai seulement 24 ans.
(3) Pour m’aider à immigré dans votre pays avec une attestation de résidence afin que je puisse y poursuivre mes études.

Ainsi dit, Monsieur je suis disposé à vous offrir 15% de mon héritage en compensation pour votre effort après le retrait de ces fonds de la sécurité compagnie et son transfert dans votre compte bancaire.

En outre, vous indiquez vos options pour m'aider sachant que pour moi, j’ai la foi que cette transaction peut se faire le plus vite possible. J’aimerai avoir votre point de vue sur cette question et cela selon votre disponibilité.

Vous pourrez me joindre dès réception du présent message a mon email.

Merci , et que Dieu vous bénisse.

KONAN FABIENNE


[EDIT- Squished by Mata because it doesn't need to be that big! If you want it big then why not try r3al v1agr4 biggrin.gif ]
[EDIT- Squished some more by Pab cos it was full of line breaks. Thanks Mata. I try to avoid INTERNET Prescr]iption Drugs ...]
Sir Psycho Sexy
Jonman oh Jonman, where art thou?

Sincerely
Juiliette wannabe
Artemisia
Dear Jonman,

Tigersong and I are getting married in RL July 2, 2005. We are trying to decide on the colors for the wedding. I favor purple, a medium shade (not pastel), but he doesn't like purple. Maybe he would prefer blue. But I don't think periwinkle is a happy medium. Also, there may be 5 bridesmaids but 2 groomsmen.

Can you, with your knowledge of fashion and coming trends, predict what colors and flowers will be fashionable for weddings next summer and suggest a solution agreable to both of us? smile.gif Also, what about the odd numbers of attendants? Should 2 of the bridesmaids, who were originally his friends, wear women's suits and stand on his side?
Pab
Bridesmaids Weekly Newsletter


Dear Miss Jonman,

You have subscribed to this newsletter through our site http://www.nextyearsbridesmaidsdresses.com or one of our affiliates. If you wish to unsubscribe please click on the link at the bottom of this page.

NEXT JULY: THE PERMY FRUMP




Our fashion experts have determined that the fashion for next Julys bridesmaids is going to be this delightfully modern 3rd division footballer inspired plastic trash dress with matching hair-do and bouquet. The 2005 bridesmaid shall want to make her presence felt, being audible to the congragation as soon as they start trying to get out of the rented limo. Indeed, the organist will have a tough job trying to get the music to be heard over the delightful crinkly sounds of the bridesmaids bustling down the aisle. Ideal for evening weddings, in low light the static electricity arcs of energy shall leap from bridesmaid to bridesmaid, and just LOOK at the face of groom when he recieves 15.000 volts of joy from being within 6 feet of these highly charged masterpieces. The dress shall also pick up all confetti thrown, making it the most ecoligical of alternatives.


Yours,

The design team at http://www.nextyearsbridesmaidsdresses.com

(to unsubscribe please click on this link: http://www.nextyearsbridesmaidsdresses.com...clesforever.htm
Jonman
Try asking Google your agony questions, and see what you get. For instance, I just asked it 'can Google replace agony uncles?', and I got a load of rubbish back.

So, clearly, the answer is no.

Anyway, I know more about suitable ways to prepare fish on toast than Google does, so I win.
Jonman
QUOTE (Polocrunch @ Apr 16 2004, 02:53 PM)
My dear, sweet Jonman,

I have recently come into the possession of several large estates, following the death of an eccentric great aunt. The aunt in question was most dear to me, and subsequently left me all of her worldly goods, including the Electorship of Hannover itself! However, in her will she stated one condition: I must marry within a month of inheriting her fortune.

Dear Lady Voilet,

You're a bit easy, aren't you love? A whiff of cold hard cash, and your knickers are around you ankles, there's pictures of you with your norks out in the Times (incidentally, the Daily Sport may have been a better choice, or perhaps even Razzle (fine publication that)), and you're consider marrying any wazzock who's family tree is littered with cousins intermarrying sufficient to make Darwin turn in hsi grave.

Anyway, far be it from me to judge, so here's the scoop on your shortlist...

First bloke - you say he's a minger, but he's minted. Clearly, you're superficial enough to be satisfied with either brains or money, so he's a good choice. Just think, with a corset stuffed with dubloons, you'll have any number of nubile young footmen willing to tumble you in the hayloft for the chance of swift advancement up the ranks. Nice.


Second bloke. I mean, really, who do you think you are, Queen Victoria? Marrying a German? You'd no doubt be the subject of gossip among all of the crochet clubs in the country for years to come. Not a contender.

Third chap. I reckon this one's a goer. Military man like that won't stand for any of your nonsense. He'll keep you in your place, as is right and proper. It won't be like living with Daddy anymore mind. About time by the sounds of things.

Enjoy your toffee-nosed inheritance.

Uncle Jonman the proletariat.
gothictheysay
Dear Jonman:

What is up with this "Google" nonsense? I use Google every day to look up things I need on the internet (accurate song lyrics, purebred llamas) but now everyone's getting in on it. Every time I ask a question, they point to the Google. As much as I depend on the Google, it seems as if Google is slowly taking over all of the information - sucking it away from the minds of innocents'. What exactly is going on, and what can be done to stop this?

Sincerely,
Another lost person aided with only a sponsored google ad.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mata @ Apr 16 2004, 06:59 PM)
Dear Jonman,


You may be surprised to receive this letter from me
since you do not know me personally. I am Sadu Madiga, the first son of Gadik Madiga, a popular black farmer in Zimbabwe who was murdered in the land dispute in my country.

Well, Sadu, I can say that I feel your pain. You see, I used to be the crown prince of Chambugu, in the province of Waggalugama. But my father was murdered by governement assissins, my mother exploded in a shower of mice, my brother ran off with a trapeze artist called Jeff, and both my sisters discovered trancendance, and are now incorporally watching us from Uranus. Fortunately, before all of this happened, my father put 18 sqillion first class stamps into a really big envelope, and hid it in the wall cavity insulation space in his castle.

However, you see, I'm afraid to go and get the stamps, as the castle is being watched by the Chambugan goverment trained stoats of doom. They're bite my knees off before I even got close, as they go mental for the taste of the sticky on the back of stamps.

But you could help, Sadu! Simply by sending me your credit card details, I'll then be able to magically fire lasers from my elbows, thus defeating the SAS (Special Agent Stoats), retrieving the stamps, buying a spaceship, and joining my ghostly sisters on Uranus. Seeing as money will be no use to me at the outer edge of the solar system, I will be willing to let you have the remainder of the stamps, as well as any smoking ruins that may be left of my father's castle. Drop me an email, preferable noting your mother's maiden name and your date of birth, and we'll go from there.

Cheers fella!
Jonman.
Jonman
QUOTE (Pab @ Apr 17 2004, 02:57 AM)
Cher Jonman

Permettez-moi de vous informer de mon désir d'entrée dans un rapport d'affaires avec vous. J'ai obtenu votre votre contact en faisant des recherches. J'ai priée pendant plusieurs jours et après cela j'ai choisi de vous
contacter parmis plusieurs autres personnes. Je pense que vous êtes digne de la recommandation de ma prière, donc une personne honorable de confiance avec qui je peux faire des affaires. Ainsi je n'ai aucune hésitation à me fier à vous pour des affaires simples et sincères.

Bonjour, mon petit chou-fleur.

regardez-vous le post sur il post. Ca c'est tres wicked, mon canard. Donnez-moi beacoup de wonga, et je suis tres cher.

Le Jonman
Jonman
QUOTE (Artemisia @ Apr 17 2004, 11:18 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Tigersong and I are getting married in RL July 2, 2005. We are trying to decide on the colors for the wedding. I favor purple, a medium shade (not pastel), but he doesn't like purple. Maybe he would prefer blue. But I don't think periwinkle is a happy medium. Also, there may be 5 bridesmaids but 2 groomsmen.

Can you, with your knowledge of fashion and coming trends, predict what colors and flowers will be fashionable for weddings next summer and suggest a solution agreable to both of us? smile.gif Also, what about the odd numbers of attendants? Should 2 of the bridesmaids, who were originally his friends, wear women's suits and stand on his side?

Next year's colours are bile green, spleen pink and burnt vomit. Take your pick.

As for the bridesmaid/groomsman issue, that's just fine. The numbers aren't a problem at first glance - what is essential is that the number of single bridesmaids and groomsmen match, or at the very least that they don't mind sharing. It's tradition that at least one of the bridesmaids needs to get drunk and cop off with one of the groomsman. That's a very serious consideration for my (re)wedding, which is also taking place next year.

Jonman-Lo, The Wedding Planner
Jonman
QUOTE (gothictheysay @ Apr 18 2004, 06:10 PM)
Dear Jonman:

What is up with this "Google" nonsense? I use Google every day to look up things I need on the internet (accurate song lyrics, purebred llamas) but now everyone's getting in on it. Every time I ask a question, they point to the Google. As much as I depend on the Google, it seems as if Google is slowly taking over all of the information - sucking it away from the minds of innocents'. What exactly is going on, and what can be done to stop this?

Sincerely,
Another lost person aided with only a sponsored google ad.

Eventually, once we've all got wireless access directly coded into our brains, Google will actually be the sum total of human knowledge. Evolution will shrink our memories until we're all like goldfish, which won't matter, as we'll just google for anything we used to know, and find it again. And then forget it.

And why would you want to stop it. As for stopping it, the only solution is start a worldwide campaign of setting up spoof websites, so that the purity and validity of Google's searches is diluted to the point where it becomes a bit like Channel 5 - pointless, boring, and full of crap.
jicama
dear uncie jonman

my friends complain about their tonsils sometimes. it doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, i feel left out as mine were removed when i was 3. is it possible to get a tonsil transplant?

from, tonsilless in saskatchewan
Tigersong
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 20 2004, 10:53 PM)
dear uncie jonman

my friends complain about their tonsils sometimes. it doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, i feel left out as mine were removed when i was 3. is it possible to get a tonsil transplant?

from, tonsilless in saskatchewan

... I doubt it. Tonsils are spongy lympoid tissue. Nasty buggers, but useful, from an immune standpoint. (Their sole purpose is to catch infections... in order to help in the proper development of immunity.

Ergo, we tonselled ones are superior to you. By far.
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 20 2004, 09:53 PM)
dear uncie jonman

my friends complain about their tonsils sometimes. it doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, i feel left out as mine were removed when i was 3. is it possible to get a tonsil transplant?

from, tonsilless in saskatchewan

Dear Jiccy-Jiccy-Jacama,

As usual in these kinds of situations, you have several options:

1 : Point out to them that you're technically higher up the evolutionary ladder than them, as you no longer have the redundant hardware installed in your body/food interface. This will fill you with a warm glow of superiority, and make them ashamed of their outmoded tonsilary apparatus.

2 : Fit yourself with some fake tonsils. Glue a pair of mice kneecaps to the back of your throat (ethically sourced from donor card carrying mice, of course), and paint them throat coloured. Make sure you get a decent colour match, or they'll spot you coming a mile off.

3 : Simply clone yourself. Your clone will come with a fully functional set of tonsils. Then simply download your memories into the clone, and you'll be set. You may want to watch the education film The 7th Day, starring Arnold Schwartenegger, which explains the necessary technology.

4 : Sneak into each and every one of your friend's houses as they sleep, and surrepticiously remove their tonsils. Film yourself doing this. Store them in small glass jars (remembering to label each one so you don't get them confused). Then, next time they complain about them, whip out their be-jarred tonsils, show them the video, and cackle maniacally for several days.

See, it's easy when you know how.
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 21 2004, 08:06 AM)
The 7th Day, starring Arnold Schwartenegger

is that the sequel to The 6th Day?
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 21 2004, 03:50 AM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 21 2004, 08:06 AM)
The 7th Day, starring Arnold Schwartenegger

is that the sequel to The 6th Day?

Yes, it's a 15 hour lecture by Arnold about the AI architectures that were used to actually create clones during the filming of The 6th Day, as well as the custom hardware that was built to nurture the clones through their accelerated growth phase. Available from all good DVD shops. Comes with a limited edition pair of clone pants.

Thanks for asking.
Sir Psycho Sexy
*note to self* never be a smart arse to jonman, he wins
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 21 2004, 04:18 AM)
*note to self* never be a smart arse to jonman, he wins

My arse has a PhD. And it's dead good at chess. Right clever it is.
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 21 2004, 12:03 PM)
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 21 2004, 04:18 AM)
*note to self* never be a smart arse to jonman, he wins

My arse has a PhD. And it's dead good at chess. Right clever it is.

ok, you can stop now, you won, pfft, talk about bad winners tongue.gif
gothictheysay
Dearest Jonman,

It is a friend of mine's birthday in a month, and when I asked what he wants, he wouldn't tell! He's impossible to buy for! He's pretty much your average young male, except I know him because of his superior taste in media. What to buy? Something associated with his media interests, or something else entirely?

Sincerely,
Damsel in Distress

P.S. Oh yeah. He likes squirrels.
Jonman
QUOTE (gothictheysay @ Apr 21 2004, 01:59 PM)
Dearest Jonman,

It is a friend of mine's birthday in a month, and when I asked what he wants, he wouldn't tell! He's impossible to buy for! He's pretty much your average young male, except I know him because of his superior taste in media. What to buy? Something associated with his media interests, or something else entirely?

Sincerely,
Damsel in Distress

P.S. Oh yeah. He likes squirrels.

Righty-o.

Not sure where you are in the world, but if you're in the good ole U of K, try the following sites..

Firebox - where I buy pressies for all my buddies - check out the Magnetoids - they're wicked cool - I got them for one of my friends, and now I want some!

Boys Toys - less classy, more cheesy

As for the US, I'm not sure of any online sites for good stuff. You could always try Amazon. They have a wide selection of stuff. Like toasty makers. No-one should be without a way to make toastys. Get him a toasty-maker and he'll love you (and it) forever.

Failing that, go to the toy shop, and buy him some ludicrous toys. Like a Bop-It Extreme, for instance.
jicama
QUOTE
4 : Sneak into each and every one of your friend's houses as they sleep, and surrepticiously remove their tonsils. Film yourself doing this. Store them in small glass jars (remembering to label each one so you don't get them confused). Then, next time they complain about them, whip out their be-jarred tonsils, show them the video, and cackle maniacally for several days.



dear uncle jonmanly.

ok, i've got a scalpel, some rubber gloves, and some old canning jars that are mostly clean, but the only video camera i've got around the place is a betamax. i don't have a power supply for it, so it has to be plugged in. because of this, i can't make it reach to where jaq and tigersong sleep. do you have a spare power supply? or is it ok to just take pictures instead?

yours sincerly; still isolated and full of rage
Polocrunch
His Majesty, Kinf Jonman of Angstia,

I am slightly drunk, and therefore having some trouble hitting the kwys. See? No doubt I will regret this entire post in the morning, but hey! When you're drunk nothing else matters! Ahem. Anyway, what I was going to say was: what is your drink of choice (see, the post does have a point after all)? I would be most intrigued to know, even if the question has already been asked.

Yours inebriatedly,

Please take advantage,

Teh Polos.
TigerLily013
Dear Jonman,

In the early days of being in this forum, I thought of myself as an equal, and was happy. Now it seems like I have similar status of how I am at school (loner or outcast). I still love coming here but I do not have the closeness that I once had with people.

An example would be when march rolled around, a lot of people obviously had their birthday celebrated then...maybe its just me but hell I didnt get a happy birthday thread or PM or anything to come home to. I remember when I first came here that I didn't post much and I got 4 PM's wishing me a happy birthday. I feel neglected (if that makes sense in a forum).

Plus, I feel like I am being snickered at from behind my back. Maybe it is just me or maybe it is the truth but I just want to know why. Why do I feel like this? Am I the only one feeling like this? What's your opinion?

Sincerely,

Reflection
Phyllis
Dearest Jonman,

Hi! It's been awhile since I asked you a question. Today I have a riddle that has perplexed me for quite some time.

Why do men have nipples? They don't breast feed. Are they for decoration? If so, should I hang ornaments on my husband's nips around Christmas-time?

Curiously yours,

Cand.
Mata
QUOTE (candice @ Apr 25 2004, 03:06 AM)
Dearest Jonman,

Hi! It's been awhile since I asked you a question. Today I have a riddle that has perplexed me for quite some time.

Why do men have nipples? They don't breast feed. Are they for decoration? If so, should I hang ornaments on my husband's nips around Christmas-time?

Curiously yours,

Cand.

I actually know the reason for this. It's because for the first several months of our existence all humans are female. It's only when various chemicals start kicking in that male gender distinctions occur, but by that point the cells that make nipples have already developed. So there you go.

And yes, you should hang decorations from them at Christmas.

TigerLily, I'm really sorry we missed your birthday, there are so many on here that it's bound to happen occasionally, I certainly don't think of you as an outcast.
TigerLily013
Well its not just the birthday, its other little things put into one for me. That birthday thing should not be a big deal but it bothered me at the time. I appreciate you answering my question, just seemed too ironic at the time of march.
gothictheysay
It's okay Tiger Lily...sometimes I feel like an outcast here too, but I don't think anyone is. I forgive 'em for missing my birthday (in march too!) but...

HAPPY DANGNABBIT BELATED

That's why I tried to make as many B-day threads, now I post in the b-day one, I would hate it for someone else to miss their birthday.

Actually, I look up to you, as I do to a lot of people on here. If you ever get lonely, you can talk to me. Listen to the Beatles song "Hey Bulldog" - message from me to you. I hope you find comfort knowing I wub.gif you, and I think everyone else does too.
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 24 2004, 12:42 PM)
QUOTE
4 : Sneak into each and every one of your friend's houses as they sleep, and surrepticiously remove their tonsils. Film yourself doing this. Store them in small glass jars (remembering to label each one so you don't get them confused). Then, next time they complain about them, whip out their be-jarred tonsils, show them the video, and cackle maniacally for several days.



dear uncle jonmanly.

ok, i've got a scalpel, some rubber gloves, and some old canning jars that are mostly clean, but the only video camera i've got around the place is a betamax. i don't have a power supply for it, so it has to be plugged in. because of this, i can't make it reach to where jaq and tigersong sleep. do you have a spare power supply? or is it ok to just take pictures instead?

yours sincerly; still isolated and full of rage

Pictures will work just fine, but are a poor substitute. I suggest placing some flyers in the local university, advertising for camera crew with own equipment to work on your independant film that's toted by Hollywood to be the next Blair Witch. There's bound to be some greedy AV nerds that you can snare.
Jonman
QUOTE (Polocrunch @ Apr 24 2004, 03:13 PM)
His Majesty, Kinf Jonman of Angstia,

I am slightly drunk, and therefore having some trouble hitting the kwys. See? No doubt I will regret this entire post in the morning, but hey! When you're drunk nothing else matters! Ahem. Anyway, what I was going to say was: what is your drink of choice (see, the post does have a point after all)? I would be most intrigued to know, even if the question has already been asked.

Yours inebriatedly,

Please take advantage,

Teh Polos.

It does depend. I'm partial to a cold pint of lager on a summer's afternoon or evening (such as now), but I also like a hearty ale on a winter's night. And a guiness every once in a while is yum.

Then there's the hard liquor. My newest tipple is Canadian Club and ginger. Yum. Since living in Seattle, I've developed quite a taste for a good Martini as well (shaken, of course). A tipple of a fine Scottish single malt will always be welcome also.

Seeing as I'm officially old, I can rightfully enjoy a glass of red wine (in fact, I think I'll go grab one right now).

Good call sir.
Jonman
QUOTE (TigerLily013 @ Apr 24 2004, 04:20 PM)
Dear Jonman,

In the early days of being in this forum, I thought of myself as an equal, and was happy. Now it seems like I have similar status of how I am at school (loner or outcast). I still love coming here but I do not have the closeness that I once had with people.

An example would be when march rolled around, a lot of people obviously had their birthday celebrated then...maybe its just me but hell I didnt get a happy birthday thread or PM or anything to come home to. I remember when I first came here that I didn't post much and I got 4 PM's wishing me a happy birthday. I feel neglected (if that makes sense in a forum).

Plus, I feel like I am being snickered at from behind my back. Maybe it is just me or maybe it is the truth but I just want to know why. Why do I feel like this? Am I the only one feeling like this? What's your opinion?

Sincerely,

Reflection

Dear Reffy

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling that way. Before I forget, it might be worth pointing out that there tends not to happy birthday threads for each person anymore since the creation of a single thread that's pinned in Daily Life. Another thing to remember is that the forum community is a lot lot bigger now than it was a year ago. It's a side effect of that there's going to tend to be less of a close-knit feeling, especially among irregular or occasional posters.

As for feeling like you're being snickered at, I'm extremely sceptical that that is in fact the case. This forum is one of the least likely online communities where that would occur. The usual cliquey backbiting that tends to dominate most forums doesn't seem to happen here. I'm not precisely sure why, but hey, it's a good thing. As a rule, forumites are nothing if not easy-going, laidback and friendly.

That's my tuppenywurth.
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Apr 24 2004, 08:06 PM)
Dearest Jonman,

Hi! It's been awhile since I asked you a question. Today I have a riddle that has perplexed me for quite some time.

Why do men have nipples? They don't breast feed. Are they for decoration? If so, should I hang ornaments on my husband's nips around Christmas-time?

Curiously yours,

Cand.

Well, you could take Mata's answer, based on shaky hand-wavy scientific explanation as it is, or you could take the real explanation that nipples are actually handles for angels to carry the soul away to the afterlife. Without nipples, men would be doomed to an eternity of roaming the earth as disembodied spirits, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

Think about it - the only refuge from the dispossessed souls for those of us still alive would be ladies toilets, maternity wards and shoe shops.

And yeah, you should totally decorate your hubby's nips. Not just for Chistmas either. Easter, halloween, Thanksgiving, and any and every excuse you can find.
Little Green Goth
Dear Jonman,

I don't really have a question. I would just like to appologise for cramping the Agoney Unckle's style by having my own ask thread. It was a mistake and shouldn't have been done. I just thought it was a good way to get to know people but yet again, another of my threads bites the dust. So I bow down to your all mighty will and will be bowing out. To those whom are mods (and I can't remember right now) please just delete the thread.

The Little Green Goth
Oni Usagi
QUOTE (Mata @ Apr 25 2004, 11:24 AM)
QUOTE (candice @ Apr 25 2004, 03:06 AM)
Dearest Jonman,

Hi!  It's been awhile since I asked you a question.  Today I have a riddle that has perplexed me for quite some time.

Why do men have nipples?  They don't breast feed.  Are they for decoration?  If so, should I hang ornaments on my husband's nips around Christmas-time?

Curiously yours,

Cand.

I actually know the reason for this. It's because for the first several months of our existence all humans are female. It's only when various chemicals start kicking in that male gender distinctions occur, but by that point the cells that make nipples have already developed. So there you go.

And yes, you should hang decorations from them at Christmas.

Just a fun little tidbit to add to that. The chemical in the body that causes nipples to grow/breasts to develop, is produced in the male body and turned into testosterone. So sometimes during puberty, while tons of testosterone is being produced, what would be the milk producing glands will begin to develop a little. Not enough to produce milk or to grow breasts, but they do swell up for a while and become easily irritated. Also boys tend not to know this might happen. Hence for a month before I went to the doctors, I feared I had breast cancer(which can also happen in males, though it's quite a bit more rare than in females.).</story>

Also remember there's no point in decorating them, if you don't show him off to everybody you know.
the lil' pie fairy
dear jonman,

in my recent absence i learnt something and obviously had to check it over with you first.
is jelly porous??

yours, recently absented marshmallow-flavoured pie xx
snooodlysnoosnoosnoodle
In light of recent sightings...

*BUMP*

Dear Jonman,

In a discussion with the pab-like one I have unearthed a dilemma. Does sitting in the park have some connection to "moping or wallking in self-selfness"

I have nothing to do, I need something to get me away from the fridge before I explode from both boredom and over-eating. Any suggestions?

with all hope for a reply,
snoo
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Apr 29 2004, 02:10 AM)
dear jonman,

in my recent absence i learnt something and obviously had to check it over with you first.
is jelly porous??

yours, recently absented marshmallow-flavoured pie xx

Yes, indeed it is.

Which does lead me onto pointing out that it's possibly to vodka-ise jelly even once it's made and turn it into a poor man's vodka jelly.

Also, of course, it means that jelly, being porous, can be used as a rudimentary filter. Were you to sift several thousand gallons of seawater through an enormous jelly sieve, you would yield up to a tonne of plankton, which can be used to pacify angry whales.
Jonman
QUOTE (snoo @ Jul 19 2004, 12:54 PM)
In light of recent sightings...

*BUMP*

Dear Jonman,

In a discussion with the pab-like one I have unearthed a dilemma. Does sitting in the park have some connection to "moping or wallking in self-selfness"

I have nothing to do, I need something to get me away from the fridge before I explode from both boredom and over-eating. Any suggestions?

with all hope for a reply,
snoo

Don't believe everything you see on the interweb.

Walking in the park actually does have a direct correlation with 'not-sitting-on-the-toilet.' I'm not sure if that helps, but in a strange linking kind of way, sitting on the toilet is in actual fact a very difficult place to have a good old fashioned mope. The action of crimping off a chocolate hostage does tend to divert one's attention from the blackness of one's soul (or moorhens, they're very black).

As for things to do, in another bizzare twist of fate, I just suggested to someone else on a different forum that they go and take a bath with a gameboy and a pie. You may want to do the same, but without the pie.

Failing that, go write a short story about the futility of mice in the modern-day automotive industry.

P.S. I'm not sure what self-selfness is. Is it a euphemism for something rude?
snooodlysnoosnoosnoodle
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 19 2004, 09:12 PM)
P.S. I'm not sure what self-selfness is. Is it a euphemism for something rude?

I don't know, you might have to ask pab on that one! (He's on IRC if you want a quick response wink.gif )

Even if I go and do something that may be productive to my degree in the park?
Is it bad that I'm in the middle of my summer holidays and I keep thinking about diseases of the middle ear?

edit: yay that you replied! Thank you smile.gif
Fallen1015
dear jonman,
how do i boost my selfesteem? any tips?

tanky
Jonman
QUOTE (snoo @ Jul 19 2004, 01:17 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 19 2004, 09:12 PM)
P.S. I'm not sure what self-selfness is. Is it a euphemism for something rude?

I don't know, you might have to ask pab on that one! (He's on IRC if you want a quick response wink.gif )

Even if I go and do something that may be productive to my degree in the park?
Is it bad that I'm in the middle of my summer holidays and I keep thinking about diseases of the middle ear?

edit: yay that you replied! Thank you smile.gif

Coo-eee. Check you out, you little keen one, you.

Yeah, go to the park, take some tasty beverage, enjoy the outdoors, and get some work done. Sometimes I wish I had motivation like that.
e703
Dear Jonman,

I have a question which has puzzled me, I haven't read the whole topic so I don't know if it's been posted. Do you know why women always go to the toilet in twos?

Yours, lonely toilet boy
Jonman
QUOTE (Fallen1015 @ Jul 19 2004, 01:19 PM)
dear jonman,
how do i boost my selfesteem? any tips?

tanky

Step 1: Stop giving a crap what other people think. Half of them are morons anyway.

That's it. It's a simple one step process on paper - harder to implement in real life.

Self-esteem to me seems to be the worth that you think that other people see in you. It's worth remembering that 9 times out of 10, what you think other people are thinking is wrong. 'Cos other people aren't like you. They aren't like anybody else, either. That's right, we're all individuals.

And as individuals, what's important to one is irrelevant to another. The captain of the football team would probably value physical prowess. The captain of the chess club is less likely to do so. Some people like blondes, some people like brunettes. Some people like beards, others hairless men.

So you can look like Britney or Kylie, and yet still, some men just won't be attracted to you. You can have the charm of James Bond, yet some folk will just find you smarmy and annoying.

See, my personal opinion may come out harsh, but I honestly think that people with low self-esteem are just being blinkered and short sighted.

Allow to explain. These days, I don't give a crap what other people think about me. I do what I want, how I want, with whom I want. And you know what? I'm super-happy all the time. My self-esteem is irrelevant because I don't have an estimate of my own worth in terms of what society defines as worthwhile. Because I don't care that the guy down the gym thinks I'm a bit chubby, or the woman in the coffee shop thinks I swear too much. Their opinions do not affect me in any way. Sure, they're entitled to their opinions, but that's all they are - their opinions.

All you need is to be able to step back objectively, look at the big picture and say "you know what, so what if I don't exactly fit the stereotype of what a perfect person is. Do I really want to spend my life unhappily and unsuccessfully striving towards an ideal that arbitrary and for most of us, unobtainable? No, balls to it, I'll do me own thing, and have fun doing it."

[/tuppenywurth]
Jonman
QUOTE (e703 @ Jul 19 2004, 01:23 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I have a question which has puzzled me, I haven't read the whole topic so I don't know if it's been posted. Do you know why women always go to the toilet in twos?

Yours, lonely toilet boy

One to have the wee, the other to hold the first one's hair back.


Or maybe I'm confused. I have to confess, I've not spent a long time in the ladies loos.
Fallen1015
thanks jonman. smile.gif
e703
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 19 2004, 08:35 PM)
QUOTE (e703 @ Jul 19 2004, 01:23 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I have a question which has puzzled me, I haven't read the whole topic so I don't know if it's been posted. Do you know why women always go to the toilet in twos?

Yours, lonely toilet boy

One to have the wee, the other to hold the first one's hair back.


Or maybe I'm confused. I have to confess, I've not spent a long time in the ladies loos.

Ah, at long last, the mystery is solved. Cheers Jonman biggrin.gif
froggle-rock
*tap tap* -does this work like a Magic 8 Ball?

*coughs* O Jonman The Wise, how best to rule the world, without fear of a revolt?
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