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Snugglebum the Destroyer
Dear Jonman,

What do you look like from the front?

Love

Michelle.
Ashbless
I've an answer to the ladies two to the loo. unsure.gif I might catch it for revealing secrets unknown to the males of the species but hear goes.
- gives you someone to chat with in the inevitable lineup.
- usually lets you discuss issues with friend in front of the mirror while fixing any makeup worries. World politics, the nature of space-time, how cats phase through walls, and who's cute. Disputes over who gets to flirt with the cute guy at the table are also discussed at this point. Hilarious advice is sometimes given.

Case in point is a recent trip to the pub where a handsome fellow with very attractive eyes was chatting me up. cool.gif My friend announces a trip to the powder room with a nod in my direction. wink.gif I take hint and accompany her. She points out that while I was checking out his eyes I should've been checking his hands. laugh.gif Fellow still had his wedding band on his finger. huh.gif We relocated to the other side of the pub and made eyes at the cute goth fellow instead.

Anyway Dear Jonman,
My question is how do you kill a megrim?
The blasted little bugs have been plaguing me lately. Violent solutions welcomed as coloured chalk, bubbles, hot baths with chocolate, and even shooting random people with a squirt gun have not done it.

Cheers,
Val
Feyliya
QUOTE (funked)out_frog @ Jul 19 2004, 09:13 PM)
*tap tap* -does this work like a Magic 8 Ball?

*coughs* O Jonman The Wise, how best to rule the world, without fear of a revolt?

I know the answer to this one! Kill everyone and you'll never have to worry about revolt, and you'll rule all of the world un-disputedly!

......what? Why are you looking at me like that? It would work, wouldn't it? laugh.gif
Mutilation
I believe you should replace them with robots. As in a PA comic with Gabe and bots which was very funny.

Oh Jonman, how do you get rid of yeast infection?
Polocrunch
QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Jul 20 2004, 12:11 AM)
Dear Jonman,

What do you look like from the front?

Love

Michelle.

*Cuffs round the ear*

You've got a bloody cheek, young lady!



Dear Jonman,

What is to be done with all these shockingly forward young ladies?

Yours outragedly,

Polocrunch
the lil' pie fairy
Btw snugglebum, that's in this thread somewhere...i think...

Dear Jonman,

How do you refrain from being a pyromaniac when you've got 20 firelighters, a big self-lighting log thing, two barbecues, a lot of lighters, hexamine and matches between a lot of you?

*fuelled by alcohol and meat*

Yours in worryment, Pie x
Forever Unknown
Dear Jonman,

Where have I put my keys?
LoLo
QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Jul 19 2004, 04:11 PM)
Dear Jonman,

What do you look like from the front?

Love

Michelle.

If you click on Jonman's Profile, he's got a pic of himself facing the front posted.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
QUOTE
What is to be done with all these shockingly forward young ladies?


I was just curious... blink.gif
WeeJ
Dear Jonman,

What chances do I have of enticing (sp? blink.gif ) yourself and the fair maiden Mrs Jonman for that bevvy we never got round to?

Yours, as ever...

WeeJ
x
Jonman
QUOTE (funked)out_frog @ Jul 19 2004, 02:13 PM)
*tap tap* -does this work like a Magic 8 Ball?

*coughs* O Jonman The Wise, how best to rule the world, without fear of a revolt?

Cake. And biscuits, too. Lots and lots of biscuits.

Everyone loves biscuits, see? You can make friends with biscuits. And the ladies love a bit of the old cake, innit?

So, you convince everyone that you need to be the almighty ruler by bribing them with cake and biscuits.

But then, you see, they're all to fat to revolt. You ever seen a 400 lb man running up and down jabbing a pitchfork in the air and yelling about oppression? Me neither.

Case closed.
Jonman
QUOTE (Ashbless @ Jul 19 2004, 10:14 PM)
Anyway Dear Jonman,
My question is how do you kill a megrim?
The blasted little bugs have been plaguing me lately. Violent solutions welcomed as coloured chalk, bubbles, hot baths with chocolate, and even shooting random people with a squirt gun have not done it.

Cheers,
Val

You forgot about holding the hair back, but I'll forgive you for that.

Anyway, megrims.

Yup, that's a tough one, make no mistake.

Actually, it just goes to show that you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks. I didn't have a clue what a megrim was. I had assumed it was an exceptionally smug fairy, but thanks to dictionary.com, it seems that I'm wrong.

I'm assuming you mean megrim in the context of "Depression or unhappiness", in which case, the glaringly obvious solution is to do lots of stuff wot is fun.

Which will be different for each person involved, of course. Me, I like to sit down and play videogames for hours on end.

In the unlikely event that you are talking about smug fairies, they'll not be so smug after you tape their faces to the bottom of a seagull.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mutilation @ Jul 20 2004, 02:26 AM)
I believe you should replace them with robots. As in a PA comic with Gabe and bots which was very funny.

Oh Jonman, how do you get rid of yeast infection?

In the beginning was the word.

And the word was Canesten!

A trip to your local pharmacy is in order, methinks. And be more careful next time you're baking bread or brewing beer, you hear?
Jonman
QUOTE (Polocrunch @ Jul 20 2004, 04:50 AM)
Dear Jonman,

What is to be done with all these shockingly forward young ladies?

Yours outragedly,

Polocrunch

I've got an idea or two, but now that I'm married, I'd best keep them to myself.
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Jul 20 2004, 04:53 AM)
Btw snugglebum, that's in this thread somewhere...i think...

Dear Jonman,

How do you refrain from being a pyromaniac when you've got 20 firelighters, a big self-lighting log thing, two barbecues, a lot of lighters, hexamine and matches between a lot of you?

*fuelled by alcohol and meat*

Yours in worryment, Pie x

Why refrain? If you have meat that is cold, it is your civic, nay, moral duty to set fires and make the meat hot and tasty. Unless the meat is still attached to live beasties, in which case you have the option to decline.

Carry on!
Jonman
QUOTE (Forever Unknown @ Jul 20 2004, 05:05 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Where have I put my keys?

over there

*points*
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Jul 20 2004, 08:19 AM)
QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Jul 19 2004, 04:11 PM)
Dear Jonman,

What do you look like from the front?

Love

Michelle.

If you click on Jonman's Profile, he's got a pic of himself facing the front posted.

There goes my anonymity.
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jul 20 2004, 10:50 AM)
Dear Jonman,

What chances do I have of enticing (sp? blink.gif ) yourself and the fair maiden Mrs Jonman for that bevvy we never got round to?

Yours, as ever...

WeeJ
x

Fair to good, I think. She's a bit crook at the minute, but we ought to be available to truck it over to Brum on the train one evening.
Mutilation
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 20 2004, 06:25 PM)
QUOTE (Mutilation @ Jul 20 2004, 02:26 AM)
I believe you should replace them with robots. As in a PA comic with Gabe and bots which was very funny.

Oh Jonman, how do you get rid of yeast infection?

In the beginning was the word.

And the word was Canesten!

A trip to your local pharmacy is in order, methinks. And be more careful next time you're baking bread or brewing beer, you hear?

Yes...

Cooking bread...

I mean beer...

*Runs from Nazis*
Tigersong
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jul 20 2004, 12:24 PM)
Actually, it just goes to show that you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks. I didn't have a clue what a megrim was. I had assumed it was an exceptionally smug fairy, but thanks to dictionary.com, it seems that I'm wrong.

I'm assuming you mean megrim in the context of "Depression or unhappiness", in which case, the glaringly obvious solution is to do lots of stuff wot is fun.

Actually, I'd assume that she meant "migraines," the first option on dictionary.com.

In which case I'd suggest seeing a doctor, maybe?
Ashbless
Nope I meant megrims as in unhappyness.
I am lucky not to have migraines.

Thanks Jonman - will try that. smile.gif
Enslaved
Dear Jonman,

I've recently been watching your thread and I must say, you are the miracle answerer of questions. I'm a big fan. So I'm writing to you with a question:

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
Jonman
QUOTE (Enslaved @ Jul 21 2004, 02:03 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I've recently been watching your thread and I must say, you are the miracle answerer of questions. I'm a big fan. So I'm writing to you with a question:

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

That rather depends on the nature of the having loved, and the nature of the lost, I suppose.

Let's suppose for instance that you loved an abusive partner (love being blind and all), who beat you to within an inch of your life before committing suicide by eating your children until he exploded. In that case, I think we can safely say that no, it's not better to have loved and lost.

However, were to spend 70 years in blissful happiness and have your parner die peacefully in his sleep one night, then I think I'd say that yes, it is better.

It all gets a bit blurry and grey inbetween those two extremes of course.
vicrawr
Dear Jonman,

As this is my first question to you, what should I ask you?

Vic.

(Holla at a playa)
Jonman
QUOTE (IrishGuy @ Jul 21 2004, 05:08 AM)
Dear Jonman,

As this is my first question to you, what should I ask you?

Vic.

(Holla at a playa)

How about

"Can I buy you a beer?"

or...

"When would you like me to shower you in fifty pound notes?"

or...

"20 or 30 naked oily trampolining cocktail hula barmaids?"


you get the idea.
Forever Unknown
Dear Jonman,

A broken nose and a cold! How does one stop booger explosions as a result?

Thanks awfully.
Jonman
QUOTE (Forever Unknown @ Jul 21 2004, 05:17 AM)
Dear Jonman,

A broken nose and a cold! How does one stop booger explosions as a result?

Thanks awfully.

Tiny nostril shaped corks?

Constantly aiming a running hairdryer up your nose to dry an potentially leaking bogeys?

Sitting a trained ferret with a penchant for snot on your shoulder?

In all seriousness, you could try a trip to the pharmacy, and ask them if they have anything to dry up a snotty nose. And make sure you eat tremendous amounts of fresh fruit and veg - all the vitamins will help you get over the cold quicker. And get lots of sleep - no staying up late watching trashy TV, you hear?
Jaq
Dear Jonman:

I've got a problem ㅑ 애ㅜ'ㅅ ㅏㅜㅐㅈ 좀ㅅ 솓 ㅗ디ㅣ 소ㅑㄴ ㅑㄴ!!! ㅑ ㅊ무'ㅅ ㄱㄷㅁㅇ 소ㅑㄴ 겨ㅠㅠㅑ노 랙 솓 ㅣㅑㄹㄷ ㅐㄹ ㅡㄷ 뭉 ㅑㅅ'ㄴ ㅔㅑㄴ냐ㅜㅎ ㅡㄷ 갸홋 ㅐㄹㄹ.

Frustrated, Jaq
Forever Unknown
Thanks a squillion.

I've got another. It's long!

I really hate my boss. Actually, we all hate her. It used to be tolerable but she's started moving the goalposts on everything, imposing stupid rules. She's condescending and speaks to everyone in this 'Stupid little girl!' voice, completely disrespectful (I work with my mother, who I'm very close to, so it's hard to hear someone treating t'Wench like that as well). She doesn't listen to anyone about anything, she's arrogant, and basically has one hell of a huge stick lodged up her arse (not by me, sadly). She has about three million other horrendous traits as well, but if I list them we'll be here all day.

There are five people working in the office - 2 partners, 3 fee earners. The latter all want to leave. Even if one leaves, the other two will go as we keep one another sane. We're all pretty much at the end of our tether, and it's starting to show in our attitude towards her.

But this is the best job I've ever had - fabulous career opportunities. Problem is, aside from the above, that I'm underpaid by about 5,000 and the partners are finding excuses not to give me what I deserve (even though they've bought in a part-timer to do the menial work I don't have the time for nowadays). But, if I leave, I may have problems falling into the law again as I've only got a years experience, and with my piercings and stuff a lot of people will see me as 'unemployable' in that line of work (sad, but true).

So what should I sacrifice? Career or sanity/dignity?

Thanks in advance m'dear. I'll try and stop asking you questions now. At least this one isn't ridiculous.
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jul 21 2004, 06:24 AM)
Dear Jonman:

I've got a problem ㅑ 애ㅜ'ㅅ ㅏㅜㅐㅈ 좀ㅅ 솓 ㅗ디ㅣ 소ㅑㄴ ㅑㄴ!!! ㅑ ㅊ무'ㅅ ㄱㄷㅁㅇ 소ㅑㄴ 겨ㅠㅠㅑ노 랙 솓 ㅣㅑㄹㄷ ㅐㄹ ㅡㄷ 뭉 ㅑㅅ'ㄴ ㅔㅑㄴ냐ㅜㅎ ㅡㄷ 갸홋 ㅐㄹㄹ.

Frustrated, Jaq

Pfft.

For the last three hours, I've been running tests on jet engine control software. This is a welcome break from the monotony.

Hold on....
*creases brow*
hnnnngggggggggggg

*shakes with effort*

HHNNNNNGGGGGGG

*lightbulb goes on above head*

EUREKA! The answer is fish and yogurt. Squared.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
QUOTE
I really hate my boss.


Ohh - I know this one!! Use a gun. A big one.
Jonman
QUOTE (Forever Unknown @ Jul 21 2004, 06:53 AM)
Thanks a squillion.

I've got another. It's long!

I really hate my boss. Actually, we all hate her. It used to be tolerable but she's started moving the goalposts on everything, imposing stupid rules. She's condescending and speaks to everyone in this 'Stupid little girl!' voice, completely disrespectful (I work with my mother, who I'm very close to, so it's hard to hear someone treating t'Wench like that as well). She doesn't listen to anyone about anything, she's arrogant, and basically has one hell of a huge stick lodged up her arse (not by me, sadly). She has about three million other horrendous traits as well, but if I list them we'll be here all day.

There are five people working in the office - 2 partners, 3 fee earners. The latter all want to leave. Even if one leaves, the other two will go as we keep one another sane. We're all pretty much at the end of our tether, and it's starting to show in our attitude towards her.

But this is the best job I've ever had - fabulous career opportunities. Problem is, aside from the above, that I'm underpaid by about 5,000 and the partners are finding excuses not to give me what I deserve (even though they've bought in a part-timer to do the menial work I don't have the time for nowadays). But, if I leave, I may have problems falling into the law again as I've only got a years experience, and with my piercings and stuff a lot of people will see me as 'unemployable' in that line of work (sad, but true).

So what should I sacrifice? Career or sanity/dignity?

Thanks in advance m'dear. I'll try and stop asking you questions now. At least this one isn't ridiculous.

Yup.

That's a toughy.

OK, here's my opinion. Remember that while I may appear to be all-powerful and omniscient, I am just a random bloke off the interweb who hasn't really got a clue about any of the specifics of your situation. So take the advice with a pinch of salt.

By the sounds of things, it's only a matter of time before the whole caboodle collapses into a bit pile of squirty poops (and yes, that is a technical term). Seems to me you have three options. Leave the job now, leave the job later, or your boss(es) magically come to their senses, and everything's hunky dory again.

Let's look at option 3 first, that in which the bosses come to their senses. This seems unlikely to happen of it's own accord. So we're looking at you and maybe your colleagues finding some way to let your bosses know that the current situation is unworkable. A ham-fisted way might be for all 3 of you to tender your resignation at the same time. A less dramatic, less confrontational way (and IMO, a better way, if somewhat less satisfying) would be to have a sit down talk with all of you to get the issue out in the open, so it can be dealt with. Schedule a meeting.

But, before you do that, let's look at the first two options. Option 1 is a bad'un, as if you don't have anything else in the wings, you're going to be on the dole, which I'm assuming is not what you'd like to be doing. Option 2 is the more workable, but my suggestion would be to start looking for a new job right now, and then once you've found one, you're in a good position to leave this one.

This leads me onto your point about your piercings and wotnot. You mention that this may make finding more work problematic. Well, you've got two options, either take them out, or leave them in. You have to decide which is more important to you - having them in, or finding work more easily. If it's not quite a fixable situation (e.g. facial tatoos), then you'll just have to lump it. Or wear a mask and claim you've horrific deformities.

As for your final point about career or sanity/dignity..... balls to career - all it does is pay the rent and impress the idiots at school reunions. Sanity, dignity, and far more importantly, happiness are far more valuble commodities.

So, in summary....
( 1 ): Start looking for another job
( 2 ): Once you have a potential lined up, you can start thinking about confronting your boss, and giving them a chance to fix your current job. If they don't, bin it and move on.
Forever Unknown
Spank you Jonman.

'Tis certainly advise I'll take on board - just needed a nice, objective opinion on it. Not sure how well point 2 will go, as she has a habit of paying lip service and/or uses the excuse "I bring a lot of money into this firm!". But I'll run it past others.

I'm most grateful for your help.
Pab
Dear Jonman,

Do you have ANY IDEA how difficult it is to reverse-engineer machine-translated Korean?

Yours,

Babel Fish My Arse
spuglet
Dear Mr. Jonman.

Remember me?

Yours with much remeniscence of the ye olde days
Jonman
QUOTE (Pab @ Jul 21 2004, 10:07 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Do you have ANY IDEA how difficult it is to reverse-engineer machine-translated Korean?

Yours,

Babel Fish My Arse

Reverse-engineering machine-translated Korean? You mean taking Babelfish's output, and trying to turn it back into Korean?

Yes, I have every idea of how difficult that would be, given that my fluency in Korean is around the same level of ability as the ease with which I give birth to sharks.

Must dash, Snappy and Toothy need feeding again.
Jonman
QUOTE (spuglet @ Jul 25 2004, 03:17 PM)
Dear Mr. Jonman.

Remember me?

Yours with much remeniscence of the ye olde days

Yes, insofar as one can remember a faceless webternet-denizen.
WeeJ
Jonman,

What's the secret to get your washing to smell like your mother's laundry?
And, cooking? How do you get good at that without killing innocent by-standers?

Yours in a un-domesticated world

- Jennie
Jonman
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Jul 26 2004, 06:46 AM)
Jonman,

What's the secret to get your washing to smell like your mother's laundry?
And, cooking? How do you get good at that without killing innocent by-standers?

Yours in a un-domesticated world

- Jennie

I woulda thought that the washing thing was easy.

1 : buy the same cleaning products as her, both detergent and fabric softener. And other bizarre things like Bounce, or whatever other weird chemical things she puts in.
2 : find out her exact washing procedure, and copy it. If she tumbledries, tumbledry. If she line-dries outside, do that. If she uses a clothes horse, get one. If she uses mystical incantations that invoke the power of the old gods to dry her knickers, go buy some black candles, and get chalking that pentagram.


As for cooking, that's dead easy. Get thee to a book shop, and pick up some decent recipe books. I personally suggest the Naked Chef recipe books. Yes, he's a overpaid, big lipped Mockney twatmuppet, but by golly, does he know how to craft a recipe that's dead easy to follow, looks dead posh when it's done, and tastes like Delia herself had a hand in it's creation. Seriously. Likewise for Real Cooking, by Nigel Slater. Proper tasty food. Failing that, there's about a squillion and one recipes online. Can't go too far wrong there.
Once you're set there, it's just a matter of following the instructions step by step. Don't be too discouraged if the first few attempts are a bit poo - everyone has off days. Even at Castle Jonman, where both meself and Mrs Man are divine culinary phenomena, there's the odd day when dinner goes tits up. You know, the caviar's a degree or two off the correct temperature, or the smoked elk nose isn't quite tender enough. That kind of thing.

One very good bit of advice....buy the best quality ingredients you can afford. Kwik Save No Frills pasta will taste like crap. Fact. Harrods superdydooper pasta will probably melt on your tongue like a wonderous truffle (I assume...). Somewhere inbetween those extremes is the balance of cost vs quality that you're looking for. Remember as well that some of the cheap stuff is OK, but other cheap stuff isn't. Experiment a bit, and see what's good and what's not.

Another good bit of cooking advice. Herbs! Buy growing herbs in the little pots. We've had basil, mint and thyme growing in the pots that we bought them in the supermarket for about 3 months. Works out dead cheap, and fresh herbs are the daddy when it comes to tastyness. Just remember to water them every day or two, stick 'em in the sun, and they look after themselves. Pull of a few leaves to stick in whatever you're doing, and they'll grow more of em for you.

And most importantly, be adventurous and have fun. Buy something you've never had before and have no idea how to cook. Look up what to do with it, and get stuck in.
spuglet
Dear Jonman

I went to the optitions today and after my eye test was told that i am bring referred to my GP for a second opinion because the eye tesy woman found 'pale blotches' on my eye. Any idea what these may be?

(yes i am too lazy to reasearch it myself)

Yours blindly
Jonman
QUOTE (spuglet @ Jul 27 2004, 08:31 AM)
Dear Jonman

I went to the optitions today and after my eye test was told that i am bring referred to my GP for a second opinion because the eye tesy woman found 'pale blotches' on my eye. Any idea what these may be?

(yes i am too lazy to reasearch it myself)

Yours blindly

Haven't a Scooby Doo.

What I know about optometry really isn't worth knowing, so I'm not even going to spec-ulate (pun thoroughly intended).

My advice? Go to the quack and find out for yourself.
the lil' pie fairy
ooo, me, i know!

well, i work in an opticians. so i know lots about optics. anywho, i'm not sure what that could be, but i'll ask tomorrow and see. when are you off to teh quacks??
Snugglebum the Destroyer
Dear Jonman,

My son is running me ragged. So far today he's learned how to open the drawers in the bedroom and extract all of my underwear, slammed his fingers in said drawer, trashed my CDs, crawled around the house with the toilet roll eating bits off of it, open the drawer on the X - Box, posted toast into the cupboard, emptied a WHOLE tub of wet wipes onto the floor one by one and turned my computer off... twice.

So my question is - do you think that's it's morally correct to dose your child up with Calpol and hope he sleeps the rest of the day away?

Very knackered

Michelle

P.s - How much toilet roll can a child ingest before it becomes a problem?
Phyllis
Dearest Jonman,

Hiya. How's things? Right now there is a kitty cat that keeps leaping up and clawing onto the screen of the window behind me. This isn't the first time she has done this. Said kitty also likes to sleep on my sidewalk, and have sex right underneath the window she was just climbing. How do I make her go away? Preferably in the most humane way possible, with the least amount of effort on my part. I'm hoping for some magic kitty-away spray or something.

Yours,
Cand.
Mutilation
I think you should fumigate the neighbourhood but the great wise Jonman probably can use is amazing subtle techniques, like kicking it.

Now to my questions:

1)The dentist x-rayed my head and found an irregular coin like shape. I've got to go to the head doctor in a bit. Do you think it could be a coin stuck up my nose or cancer?

2)How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
Jonman
QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Jul 28 2004, 09:04 AM)
Dear Jonman,

My son is running me ragged. So far today he's learned how to open the drawers in the bedroom and extract all of my underwear, slammed his fingers in said drawer, trashed my CDs, crawled around the house with the toilet roll eating bits off of it, open the drawer on the X - Box, posted toast into the cupboard, emptied a WHOLE tub of wet wipes onto the floor one by one and turned my computer off... twice.

So my question is - do you think that's it's morally correct to dose your child up with Calpol and hope he sleeps the rest of the day away?

Very knackered

Michelle

P.s - How much toilet roll can a child ingest before it becomes a problem?

Firstly and foremostly, worry not about toilet roll ingestion. In actual fact, it's a good idea. I've been campaigning for years for it to be compulsory in nurserys. You see, it saves the whole bother of needing to wipe the bum, as the bum is wiped by the very stuff that comes out of it. Genius, eh?

Secondly, it is ever so slightly morally shaky to drug your son with the wonder that is Calpol. However, don't let that stop you, as it would be significantly less morally defensible to go slowly insane, lock the little tyke in the cellar, and curl up rocking in the corner.

Thirdly, you could copy my parenting advice. When they misbehave, you pick them up by the scruff of the neck, lightly bop them on the nose, tell them 'NO' in a firm loud voice, drag them across the floor, then lock them back up in their cage. Maybe I should try Calpol meself....do they make a flavour that ferrets would like?

Having said all that, your son sounds like he's going to grow into an utterly top chap - he not only takes a keen interest in women's underwear, but is fascinated with CDs, Xbox, computers, and toilet humour. Which is pretty much that stage that I'm still at to be honest.
Jonman
QUOTE (candice @ Jul 28 2004, 10:15 PM)
Dearest Jonman,

Hiya. How's things? Right now there is a kitty cat that keeps leaping up and clawing onto the screen of the window behind me. This isn't the first time she has done this. Said kitty also likes to sleep on my sidewalk, and have sex right underneath the window she was just climbing. How do I make her go away? Preferably in the most humane way possible, with the least amount of effort on my part. I'm hoping for some magic kitty-away spray or something.

Yours,
Cand.

Firstly and foremostly, worry not about toilet roll ingestion. In actual fact, it's a good idea. I've been campaigning for years for it to be compulsory in nurserys. You see, it saves the whole bother of needing to wipe the bum, as the bum is wiped by the very stuff that comes out of it. Genius, eh?

Secondly, it is ever so slightly morally shaky to drug your son with the wonder that is Calpol. However, don't let that stop you, as it would be significantly less morally defensible to go slowly insane, lock the little tyke in the cellar, and curl up rocking in the corner.

Thirdly, you could copy my parenting advice. When they misbehave, you pick them up by the scruff of the neck, lightly bop them on the nose, tell them 'NO' in a firm loud voice, drag them across the floor, then lock them back up in their cage. Maybe I should try Calpol meself....do they make a flavour that ferrets would like?

Having said all that, your son sounds like he's going to grow into an utterly top chap - he not only takes a keen interest in women's underwear, but is fascinated with CDs, Xbox, computers, and toilet humour. Which is pretty much that stage that I'm still at to be honest.
Pab
Dear Jonman,

Get a grip, man.

Yours

Nit Picker

(I presume you'll edit the above reply, but it was worth it while it lasts)
Mutilation
My god he's had so much coffee he's written out the same thing again in it's entirity.
Jonman
QUOTE (Mutilation @ Jul 29 2004, 04:38 AM)
I think you should fumigate the neighbourhood but the great wise Jonman probably can use is amazing subtle techniques, like kicking it.

Now to my questions:

1)The dentist x-rayed my head and found an irregular coin like shape. I've got to go to the head doctor in a bit. Do you think it could be a coin stuck up my nose or cancer?

2)How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?

Have you ever

( a ) : put a coin up your nose?
( b ) : got so drunk or otherwise intoxicated that you could conceivable have put a coin up your nose (or had a mischievious drunk friend put a coin up your nose) and not remembered?
( c ) : sleepwalked, or sleepcoininserted?
( d ) : had brain surgery performed by a doctor with a pocketful of change?

If the answer to all of the above questions is 'no', then it's probably not a coin. As for speculation about what it could be, I haven't a scoob. I don't mean to worry you, but it could be cancer. On the other hand, it could be a squashed bug on the x-ray plates. It could be the ghost of William Tell trying to communicate from the other side, for all I know. Go see the head-doc and have him poke your noggin.


The number of roads question is more simple. Clearly, there's some variables in there, such as length of road, age of man, and perambulatory velocity.
The number of roads can be calculated by the following equation:

if (age in years < 18)
N(roads) = {157788 (18 years worth of hours) - age(in hours) } * walking speed (in mph) / average length of road walked (in miles)
else
N(roads) = 0

Assuming a steady 3 miles an hour, 20 mile roads, and a 10 year-old, the answer is therefore 10519.2.

Please note that this is a vastly simplified model, as it doesn't take into account stoppages due to sleep, pooing and monkey business.
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