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Jonman
QUOTE (arpeggiodreams @ Aug 26 2004, 10:46 AM)
He steals our cars to go joyriding with his friends.  He also bugs my mom for $10 every few days.  I don't think he's a smackhead (yet at least  blink.gif ), because smack is harder to get here.  Now, stealing my car is just theft (my baby's not valued over the limit), but stealing my mom's is grand theft auto (not just a game!).

He has been given many many many warnings.  This has been going on for at least a year and a half, but probably more.  He has been warned that he's on his last hair, and if we wake up and he's gone, we're calling the police.

It's just getting to the point that nothing we do has any effect on him, and he's uncontrollable, and we don't know what to do.
*

OK, so it sounds like you have tried. Good. Maybe talking to the police (notreporting any crime, just as a fact finding mission) might be an idea. See whether they can suggest any options - maybe having a policeman visit him first thing in the morning might scare the crap out of him a bit. Maybe it'll knock some sense into him.

By the sounds of things, his behaviour is unlikely to correct itself without a metaphorical slap in the face. Maybe some police involvement, without any charges being laid might make him realise the potential for trouble that he's in.

Then again - maybe not. I was dumb as dishwater when I was 16. Mind you, I wasn't stealing cars either.
Ashbless
Dear Johnman,
Why is it amusing to sit with your back on the floor, your legs on the chair and stare up at the ceiling?
Yours in loopyness,
Ash.
Greeneyes
Dear Jonman,

Why is installing Windows xp so irritating and wrought with troubles?

Yours exaperated,

Greeneyes
Mutilation
Because your installing a Microsoft product. Try using Linux.
Greeneyes
Windows first, then Linux.
Mutilation
There's no need for that, just use DOS, then Linux. This completly eliminates Windows.
Jonman
QUOTE (Ashbless @ Aug 27 2004, 09:17 PM)
Dear Johnman,
Why is it amusing to sit with your back on the floor, your legs on the chair and stare up at the ceiling?
Yours in loopyness,
Ash.
*

Are you one of those posh rich folk that have big plasma screen tellies on the ceiling? That might explain the comfortability of your position. And if so, I'm jealous. I want one above my bed, so I can play videogames without having to leave the cozy pit of decadence that is my bed.
Jonman
QUOTE (Greeneyes @ Aug 30 2004, 01:12 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Why is installing Windows xp so irritating and wrought with troubles?

Yours exaperated,

Greeneyes
*

Right. If I can do it, anyone can do it. 'Cos I'm pretty far from a computer whizz.

For all that the Linux fanboys complain, Windows is actually pretty amazing, because it's intuitive enough for any old muppet to use. Including me.

Linux, on the other hand, is fine and dandy if you've eaten IT textbooks for breakfast for the last ten years, and can spurt UNIX commands in your sleep.
the lil' pie fairy
Dear Jonman,

Why is it that whenever I find a CD I like, I run out of money before I can get it?
Also, why can't I find a starter bass for less than £200 anywhere??

Yours in lack of pennies, Pie x
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Sep 10 2004, 06:45 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Why is it that whenever I find a CD I like, I run out of money before I can get it?
Also, why can't I find a starter bass for less than £200 anywhere??

Yours in lack of pennies, Pie x
*


Several options here:

1 ; get thee to Ebay, and sell of some of your old CDs that you no longer want.

2 ; get thee to the jobcentre and be hired by a cruel and tiresome slave-driver.

3 ; poke knitting needles into your ears, and chop your hands off. CDs and a bass will lose their appeal somewhat.
Mata
QUOTE (Jonman @ Sep 10 2004, 02:01 PM)
3 ; poke knitting needles into your ears, and chop your hands off. CDs and a bass will lose their appeal somewhat.
*

Although in a cruel irony of life, you would probably get enough disability benefits that you could afford both.
Ashbless
Dear JonnyArseBuckets, (getting a jump on your new forum name tongue.gif )

How do I invoke the muse of memory? I used to know but seem to have forgotten. She REALLY needs to put in an appearance for school purposes. Do you suppose she's off hanging about with those who declaim epic poetry?

Yours probably but can't quite remember,
Ashbless

PS No ceiling TV - just bare ceiling. blink.gif But I like your idea. smile.gif
spiffilicious05
Dear Johnny,

How do I get through my pre calc class without killing my math teacher or myself?
arpeggiodreams
Consider class as naptime. It did wonders for me, as long as you keep up with your homework and such to score well on tests.

Or, if it's later in the day, lunch. My precalc was 5th period, so it was a lunch time, and my calc was 2nd period, which became naptime.
Jonman
QUOTE (Ashbless @ Sep 10 2004, 04:39 PM)
Dear JonnyArseBuckets,  (getting a jump on your new forum name  tongue.gif )

How do I invoke the muse of memory?  I used to know but seem to have forgotten.  She REALLY needs to put in an appearance for school purposes.  Do you suppose she's off hanging about with those who declaim epic poetry?

Yours probably but can't quite remember,
Ashbless

PS No ceiling TV - just bare ceiling.  blink.gif  But I like your idea.  smile.gif
*


Oh, right, the muse of memory, Mnemosyne....

There's a mystical ivokating incantation that goes....

ummm,


magalagabooboo, wollawollaboo, no, wollawollablah, no, that's not it either. Umm, Wingellybobajobadoodad. That's not right either.

Bugger, I seem to have forgotten.
Jonman
QUOTE (spiffilicious05 @ Sep 13 2004, 06:40 PM)
Dear Johnny,

How do I get through my pre calc class without killing my math teacher or myself?
*


Haven't a clue what precalc is - sounds like what you do before you pick up the calculator. Which seems like a stupid thing to teach people. What's involved? Making sure you're not naked? Checking that your fingers haven't all been amputated?

Anyway, the simple way to get through the class without murdering anyone is to take a leaf out of Odysseus' book. Tie yourself to the blackboard and tell everyone not to untie you until the class is over.
spiffilicious05
QUOTE
Haven't a clue what precalc is - sounds like what you do before you pick up the calculator. Which seems like a stupid thing to teach people. What's involved? Making sure you're not naked? Checking that your fingers haven't all been amputated?


LOL laugh.gif precalc is precalculus --- its a prep course for college calculus. dry.gif

QUOTE
Anyway, the simple way to get through the class without murdering anyone is to take a leaf out of Odysseus' book. Tie yourself to the blackboard and tell everyone not to untie you until the class is over.


Anyways -- great idea! Thanks Johnman how'd I ever get through without you! biggrin.gif
smallcuteanddeadly
Dear Jonman,

I have to do some gardening and I don't know whether I should do the lawn mowing or the hedge trimming first. If I do either at all.

The hedge trimming, although fun, is a more difficult job coz I'm barely 5 foot tall and a mere weak and feeble female, however the lawnmowing is boring and I'd have to pick lots of toys up and catch our pet rabbit Erik so I don't do to him something that would have the same effect as LLG's (completely justified btw) manner of defending herself at the end of LGG and the bunnies.

You see my dilemma?

Yours in anticipation

smallcuteanddeadly

(Please just give me a reason to NOT do it....Please...)
the lil' pie fairy
Dear Jonman-ness,

What do I do if me and my boyfriend are playing a fighting game on the good old PS2, and I'm winning lots, and he suggests we stop playing because he'd rather hug me?
Does this mean he's merely bored and wants to stop, ashamed at losing to a girl, or honestly just wanted to hug me lots?

Yours, Pie xx

(Small, your dilemma is interesting. I'm about the same height, and I'd go for the hedge trimming, cause I'd make little subtle shapes appear tongue.gif.
Wonder which one he'll suggest.)
smallcuteanddeadly
Pie, I did have a very phallic shape appear last time I fixed the hedge now you mention it... I honestly didn't even do it on purpose!
Ashbless
Dear Jonman,

Can you eat the peppers off a decorative pepper plant?
(It seemed to be ask J-man plant questions and that the only one I can think of)

Probably should avoid poisoning self with plant experiments,
Ash
Jonman
QUOTE (smallcuteanddeadly @ Sep 16 2004, 06:29 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I have to do some gardening and I don't know whether I should do the lawn mowing or the hedge trimming first. If I do either at all.

The hedge trimming, although fun, is a more difficult job coz I'm barely 5 foot tall and a mere weak and feeble female, however the lawnmowing is boring and I'd have to pick lots of toys up and catch our pet rabbit Erik so I don't do to him something that would have the same effect as LLG's (completely justified btw) manner of defending herself at the end of LGG and the bunnies.

You see my dilemma?

Yours in anticipation

smallcuteanddeadly

(Please just give me a reason to NOT do it....Please...)
*


Gardening is number 4 in my top 5 list of things to try and get out of having to do (superceded by: anything to do with poo that didn't come out of your own bum, listening to boring people, and the hokey kokey, and only narrowly ahead of eating your own eyeballs). As a result, I strongly suggest that you claim to have forgotten how to do it entirely.

However, if you have no recourse but to garden, always do whichever task requires the biggest, noisiest, most dangerous power tool. No-one will mess with you if you're riding a nuclear-powered rocket mower, or wielding a two-handed uber-trimmer capable of cleaving diamonds in twain. Once you have command of the aforementioned impressive power tool, you should either ( a ); pretend it's a lightsabre, or ( b ) pretend that it's a gun, or ( c ) pretend that it's a spaceship. Either way, hide in the bushes with it, and jump out on people with the power tool turned up to 11, screaming incoherently.

Once you get out of prison, it's unlikely that you'll ever be asked to do any gardening again.

Alternatively, simply move into a different abode that has no garden. Or one that has a gardener.
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Sep 16 2004, 08:10 AM)
Dear Jonman-ness,

What do I do if me and my boyfriend are playing a fighting game on the good old PS2, and I'm winning lots, and he suggests we stop playing because he'd rather hug me?
Does this mean he's merely bored and wants to stop, ashamed at losing to a girl, or honestly just wanted to hug me lots?

Yours, Pie xx

(Small, your dilemma is interesting. I'm about the same height, and I'd go for the hedge trimming, cause I'd make little subtle shapes appear tongue.gif.
Wonder which one he'll suggest.)
*

Dear Pie,

Tricky one this. It's quite rightly possible that your boyfriend is feeling emasculated, being that games are a traditionally male past-time and that you have dangly bits at the top of your body instead of at the bottom. If this is the case, there's a few solutions.
1 : Lock him away with the PS2 so he can practice until he is sufficiently skilled to open numerous cans of whupass.
2 : Get a new game that neither of you are familiar with - might level the playing field
3 : Blindfold yourself.

The problem might be that he's just bored of the game, in which case, option 2 above still applies.

And if he just wants to hug you, tell him that hugs will only be awarded for bouts in which he beats you. There's nothing like withdrawal of physical acts of intimacy to focus one's skills.

Incidentally, you may want to point out that many male gamers would give their left testicle for a girlfriend who not only wants to play, but kicks ass, at Tekken.
Jonman
QUOTE (Ashbless @ Sep 17 2004, 05:21 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Can you eat the peppers off a decorative pepper plant?
(It seemed to be ask J-man plant questions and that the only one I can think of)

Probably should avoid poisoning self with plant experiments,
Ash
*

Probably, yes.

Go to your friend and mine, Google , and look up your plant. If it's edible, then eat it. If not, then don't.
Pab
Jonman ... might I point out the other Gardening Evasion Manouevre which is purely and simply to brick up the garden. Not necessarily a wall between house and garden impeding access (though that is also a good'un) but actually to cover the garden in bricks, making it a VERY low maintenence, albeit bricky, garden alternative? .. My bro did it in his garden once, and never regretted it ...
Jonman
QUOTE (Pab @ Sep 20 2004, 09:38 AM)
Jonman ... might I point out the other Gardening Evasion Manouevre which is purely and simply to brick up the garden. Not necessarily a wall between house and garden impeding access (though that is also a good'un) but actually to cover the garden in bricks, making it a VERY low maintenence, albeit bricky, garden alternative? .. My bro did it in his garden once, and never regretted it ...
*


Yeah, but what you're talking about is even worse than gardening - the dreaded DIY wacko.gif

Now, a better plan would just be to tip a truckload of bricks into the garden, making a massive bricky pile of uselessness. Then sell it to a posh fool as art.
Mutilation
I think you would need to splash it all with blue paint to convey "raw emotion with the drawbacks of shape".

Dear Aresebucket O Mania,

What is officially the hottest chili in the world. I have been wanting to eat some very spicy stuff, so I got a pack of Ko-Lee spicy noodles, added the entire packet that came with it, then added lots of hot tabasco sauce, and then got some yellow pickled Negas a.k.a Scotch bonnet a.k.a Jabenero's and added them. Of course it wasn't spicy enough. And I even tried Nando's extremly spicy chicken wings with chili powder chips and extra hot sauce but nothing works? Could you give me some advice that doesn't involve fire or spraying your tongue with Anti-Freeze (it's not good).
arpeggiodreams
QUOTE (Mutilation @ Sep 20 2004, 12:56 PM)
What is officially the hottest chili in the world. I have been wanting to eat some very spicy stuff, so I got a pack of Ko-Lee spicy noodles, added the entire packet that came with it, then added lots of hot tabasco sauce, and then got some yellow pickled Negas a.k.a Scotch bonnet a.k.a Jabenero's and added them. Of course it wasn't spicy enough. And I even tried Nando's extremly spicy chicken wings with chili powder chips and extra hot sauce but nothing works? Could you give me some advice that doesn't involve fire or spraying your tongue with Anti-Freeze (it's not good).
*


Eat a Mexican woman's cooking while she's mad. Dear Lord, the stew was hot that night!
Jonman
QUOTE (Mutilation @ Sep 20 2004, 01:56 PM)
I think you would need to splash it all with blue paint to convey "raw emotion with the drawbacks of shape".

Dear Aresebucket O Mania,

What is officially the hottest chili in the world. I have been wanting to eat some very spicy stuff, so I got a pack of Ko-Lee spicy noodles, added the entire packet that came with it, then added lots of hot tabasco sauce, and then got some yellow pickled Negas a.k.a Scotch bonnet a.k.a Jabenero's and added them. Of course it wasn't spicy enough. And I even tried Nando's extremly spicy chicken wings with chili powder chips and extra hot sauce but nothing works? Could you give me some advice that doesn't involve fire or spraying your tongue with Anti-Freeze (it's not good).
*


I don't know whether it's actually the hottest, but if it isn't, it's as near as dammit. Dave's Insanity Sauce is stupidly hot. Stupid with a capial Idiot. It says on the label - 'three drops is enough to ruin a meal', and they're not kidding.

For further information, I refer you to Dave's very own website. You can also google for stockists....

As for chillis, pickling them takes some of the oomph out. Buy some fresh scotch bonnets, chop them up and throw them into whatever you're eating - they're evil. Invest in some moist toilet tissue as well, as you'll probably need it.

And steer clear of buying big-name 'hot food'. Nandos couldn't make hot if their life depended on it. See if you can get to a proper ethnic foods stockinst. Try Fox's Spices - google for stockists. Get some hot chilli powder from them. Use that in conjunction with fresh scotch bonnets, and you'll be all good.
Forever Unknown
Dear Man of Jon,

When did you become a walking advertisement for Google?

Hugs and kisses,
Snoodles of love,

Me
BUY COCA-COLA
Jonman
QUOTE (Forever Unknown @ Sep 21 2004, 02:40 AM)
Dear Man of Jon,

When did you become a walking advertisement for Google?

Hugs and kisses,
Snoodles of love,

Me
BUY COCA-COLA
*

Actually, I'm a sitting advert for Google. Walking sounds too much like hard work.

And it's purely self-motivated. If more people would use google, the number of numpty questions asked across the world would drop by 72% overnight.
Forever Unknown
Dear Jonman,

What does 'numpty' mean? Did you just make that up?

Yours in bewilderment,

Moi
Jonman
QUOTE (Forever Unknown @ Sep 21 2004, 04:51 AM)
Dear Jonman,

What does 'numpty' mean? Did you just make that up?

Yours in bewilderment,

Moi
*


In a self-referential fashion, typing 'numpty' into google returns the following link as the first result.

You see what I mean now?
Forever Unknown
Ah-ha.

I now feel educated. Thank you, Jonman!
smallcuteanddeadly
QUOTE (Jonman @ Sep 20 2004, 08:03 PM)
QUOTE (Pab @ Sep 20 2004, 09:38 AM)
Jonman ... might I point out the other Gardening Evasion Manouevre which is purely and simply to brick up the garden. Not necessarily a wall between house and garden impeding access (though that is also a good'un) but actually to cover the garden in bricks, making it a VERY low maintenence, albeit bricky, garden alternative? .. My bro did it in his garden once, and never regretted it ...
*


Yeah, but what you're talking about is even worse than gardening - the dreaded DIY wacko.gif

Now, a better plan would just be to tip a truckload of bricks into the garden, making a massive bricky pile of uselessness. Then sell it to a posh fool as art.
*



A rockery!! You're a genius!! Mwah Mwah Mwah
Greeneyes
Dear man of Jon,

What's the difference between an elevon and an ailvator?

Yours,

P.H.A.R.P
Jonman
QUOTE (Greeneyes @ Sep 21 2004, 09:17 PM)
Dear man of Jon,

What's the difference between an elevon and an ailvator?

Yours,

P.H.A.R.P
*


ooh. Good question. Right up me street being that I'm a aerospace engineer as well as Agony Uncle.

So, starting at the start (for those of us that aren't airplane nerds). The traditional control surfaces of an aircraft are :

--- the rudder (the movable part of the vertical tail fin), which provides control in the yaw axis. In commercial aviation, the rudder tends not be used by pilots much, as the yawing motion tends to be uncomfortable for passengers. It is used extensively by automated control systems to provide short-term lateral stability, e.g. damping out unwanted oscillations. For military applications, the rudder is used substantially more to provide high degrees of manoueverability.
--- the ailerons (the movable parts at the trailing edge of the wings), which provide control in the roll axis. Ailerons operate differentially i.e. when one moves up, the other moves down. This increases the lift on the wing who's aileron moves down, and decreased the lift on the wing who'd aileron moves up. The differential lift will cause the airplane to roll. In commercial aviation, turns are made using the ailerons to roll the aircraft. Once the aircraft is rolled over, the lift force generated by the wings will pull the aircraft round in a circle.
--- the elevators (the movable horizontal surfaces found at the rear of the fusalage - can be at the base of the til fin, or at the top (known as a T-tail)), which provides control in the pitch axis. The elevators work collectively i.e. both move up at the same time, or down at the same time, unlike the ailerons.

The other control to be aware of is the propulsion system(s), usually jets, turbojets, turboprops or good old piston-engine driven propellers. Changing the engine settings will change the airspeed which will affect the response of the aircraft for a given set-up of the control surfaces.

There are a variety of various minor control surfaces too, such as flaps, slats, slots and flaperons (combined flaps and ailerons). These tend to be used to affect handling characteristics outside of the usual operating envelope, for instance, during take-off and landing.

Now we get onto elevons and ailerators (or ailvators). These are more unusual control surfaces, more often found on military applications, or unorthodox aircraft built for a specific purpose. Both work as combined elevators and ailerons in one single control surface. Both are able to be operated collectively (i.e. as an elevator), and differentially (i.e. as an aileron). Elevons tend to be located in a similar place as elevators (for example, the F-14s Tom Cruise flies in Top Gun), wheras ailerators are located along the trailing edge of the wing (can't think of a good example).

Because these control surfaces act in both axis, they tend to be used on aircraft with sophisticated computer assisted control and stability computers. The problem is cross-coupling between the axes - when you operate an elevon purely as an aileron, it will have control implications in both pitch and roll axes. The stabilty augmentation systems will control this so that it is transparent to the pilot.

Which leads me onto my final point - in aircraft with elevons or ailerators, the flight controls in the cockpit remain the same - a control stick, or joystick for pitch and roll control, and the usual rudder pedals. The reason for this is that any pilot will learn to fly in a aircraft with traditional control surfaces and flight controls. So you keep the man-machine interface the same to avoid the pilot having to relearn everything. This idea even holds true for more exotic aircraft such as VTOL aircraft such as Harriers, the new F-22 Raptor, and the V-22 Osprey tiltrotor.

Right, lesson over kids. Hand your homework in at the front on the way out, and please close the door behind you.
the lil' pie fairy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Sep 20 2004, 03:24 PM)
And if he just wants to hug you, tell him that hugs will only be awarded for bouts in which he beats you. There's nothing like withdrawal of physical acts of intimacy to focus one's skills.

Incidentally, you may want to point out that many male gamers would give their left testicle for a girlfriend who not only wants to play, but kicks ass, at Tekken.
*


I also asked this question to my motley crew at Ye Olde Form of Sixth, and they concurred that they (the guys) would also give left testicle for someone to play Tekken/Soul Caliber with.
I tried the hugs in return for winning, and it worked! *hands over pie as payment for advice* so all is now well, although I still open more gallon-tubs of whupass than he does little bean cans biggrin.gif

Which leads me onto...

Dear Jon-ish-man,

Being that I like to drink the good old double Jack and coke rather than alcopops, I kick ass at Tekken/Soul Caliber, I LOVE watching footie (and incidentally want a season ticket for Arsenal in the next three years), I have no time for people that moan about chipping nail varnish or not doing some actual manual labour, and I'd rather sit and watch Full Metal Jacket than sit and watch love flicks...
(Obviously, I wear skirts and stuff, and look after my appearance, but I'm not a girlie fragile girl. Although I can seem very vulnerable/cute cause of size)
Does this make me more, or less, appealing to guys?

Yours in confusion (because of differing opinions), Pie xxx
Jonman
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Sep 22 2004, 03:43 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Sep 20 2004, 03:24 PM)
And if he just wants to hug you, tell him that hugs will only be awarded for bouts in which he beats you. There's nothing like withdrawal of physical acts of intimacy to focus one's skills.

Incidentally, you may want to point out that many male gamers would give their left testicle for a girlfriend who not only wants to play, but kicks ass, at Tekken.
*


I also asked this question to my motley crew at Ye Olde Form of Sixth, and they concurred that they (the guys) would also give left testicle for someone to play Tekken/Soul Caliber with.
I tried the hugs in return for winning, and it worked! *hands over pie as payment for advice* so all is now well, although I still open more gallon-tubs of whupass than he does little bean cans biggrin.gif

Which leads me onto...

Dear Jon-ish-man,

Being that I like to drink the good old double Jack and coke rather than alcopops, I kick ass at Tekken/Soul Caliber, I LOVE watching footie (and incidentally want a season ticket for Arsenal in the next three years), I have no time for people that moan about chipping nail varnish or not doing some actual manual labour, and I'd rather sit and watch Full Metal Jacket than sit and watch love flicks...
(Obviously, I wear skirts and stuff, and look after my appearance, but I'm not a girlie fragile girl. Although I can seem very vulnerable/cute cause of size)
Does this make me more, or less, appealing to guys?

Yours in confusion (because of differing opinions), Pie xxx
*



*sigh*

you poor thing. NOT!

You see, it's quite simple. It'll make you more attractive to the kind of guy you'd probably quite like to attract, but less attractive to the kind of guy you'd rather not attract. Ultimately, if a bloke is attracted to you because of who you are, then that's ideal, whether you're a 7-headed stinky mingbeast, or a svelte kex-sitten with legs up to your ears and a penchant for fetching beer.
the lil' pie fairy
I do like fetching beer, actually. And I'll open it as well. I'm the official beer waitress of anyone that's ever met me at a time when beer's around smile.gif
Well, I think that helps. Ta!
Snugglebum the Destroyer
Dear Jonman,

Is toast heavier than bread?

Regards

Kingsmill Advertising Team
Jonman
QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Sep 24 2004, 01:46 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Is toast heavier than bread?

Regards

Kingsmill Advertising Team
*

Nah, I reckon not. See, when you heat it, you're going to drive off the moisture, which loses the slice some mass.

So no, Jonman says that toast weighs less than when it was toasted.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
Dear Jonman,

After extensive tests (3 minutes with the toaster) it seems that toast does weigh less than bread. One ounce less to be exact.

Good call!!

Regards

Kingsmill Advertising Team
Jonman
QUOTE (Snugglebum the Destroyer @ Sep 24 2004, 01:58 PM)
Dear Jonman,

After extensive tests (3 minutes with the toaster) it seems that toast does weigh less than bread.  One ounce less to be exact.

Good call!!

Regards

Kingsmill Advertising Team
*

You mean you actually doubted me? I shall smite thee mightily, Doubter. A mighty smiting. My wrath will probably wax too. Maybe even waxeth.

Mmmm, waxy wrath.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
QUOTE
You mean you actually doubted me?


Absolutely not!!! I just have altogether too much time on my hands... wink.gif
Forever Unknown
Jonman!

Damn, you need a theme tune…

Anyway.

I’ve got an appraisal at work today. It’s very very scary, to say the least – I’m absolutely useless at being assertive and saying what I think. I’ve got a tendency to stutter a little when I’m nervous, and easily intimidated. As per other questions regarding work I’ve asked you in the past, you may note that my boss is evil. But I’ve got to get a £5,000 payrise out of them – I’ve got really good reasons to justify it, but I’m such a wuss I don’t know how well I’ll do it.

Any tips on how to get the guts to do this right? Something I can accomplish within an hour, if possible.

Thanksthanksthanks.
Jonman
QUOTE (Forever Unknown @ Sep 27 2004, 10:56 AM)
Jonman!

Damn, you need a theme tune…

Anyway.

I’ve got an appraisal at work today. It’s very very scary, to say the least – I’m absolutely useless at being assertive and saying what I think. I’ve got a tendency to stutter a little when I’m nervous, and easily intimidated. As per other questions regarding work I’ve asked you in the past, you may note that my boss is evil. But I’ve got to get a £5,000 payrise out of them – I’ve got really good reasons to justify it, but I’m such a wuss I don’t know how well I’ll do it.

Any tips on how to get the guts to do this right? Something I can accomplish within an hour, if possible.

Thanksthanksthanks.
*



I already have a theme tune actually. It's a 200 bpm orchestral percussion piece, scored for gentle slaps on the breasts and buttocks of nubile naked cocktail barmaids, and featuring the a counterpoint of squealing supersonic rabbits.

As for your review-y thing, there's a couple of solutions (note, some solutions will be less serious than others).

1 : Imagine your appraiser naked
2 : Turn up naked - the element of suprise will aid your quest for a whopping big pay rise. It'll also make their job of imagining you naked much easier, for which they may be thankful.
3 : Offer bribes. Chocolate, money, sex, or your first born child ought to swing it. Maybe all 4.
4 : Be 112% honest with your boss, evil though (s)he may be. Explain why you feel that you're justified in requesting a payrise, and what you've done to deserve it. DO NOT explain why you need the payrise (i.e. for house repairs, or a new baby, or a new car) - that's very unprofessional, and it's tantamount to begging. You need to convince your boss why they should give you loads more money based on your performance, responsibilities and proffessionalism.
5 : Be prepared to negotiate for the payrise amount.
6 : Don't fiddle with anything. Don't fidget.
7 : Make eye contact when you're talking. Don't worry about the stuttering - if you stutter, you stutter. It doesn't affect the quality of your work, or your usefulness as an employee.
8 : Don't drink loads of coffee between now and then. You'll be jittery, and needing a wee.

Good luck!
Snugglebum the Destroyer
QUOTE
I’ve got an appraisal at work today


Ohhh - you should have told me earlier. I'm the absolute best at getting the boss to give me what I want, you just have to make them think that it benefits them too.

You may want to spend less time on the forum too - I know you're sat at your desk right now you cheeky little minx! tongue.gif
Forever Unknown
[quote]You may want to spend less time on the forum too - I know you're sat at your desk right now you cheeky little minx![/quote]

Bah. I'm on receptionist wages. They're lucky I don't sleep at my desk until the phone rings.

Anyway.


[quote]I already have a theme tune actually. It's a 200 bpm orchestral percussion piece, scored for gentle slaps on the breasts and buttocks of nubile naked cocktail barmaids, and featuring the a counterpoint of squealing supersonic rabbits.[/quote]

Ooh. Flesh-tastic.

[quote]1 : Imagine your appraiser naked[/quote]

That’s the most terrifying thing ever, and will result in projectile vomiting. Although it won’t result in a payrise, it would be hilarious all over her horrendous Chanel jacket.

[quote]2 : Turn up naked - the element of suprise will aid your quest for a whopping big pay rise. It'll also make their job of imagining you naked much easier, for which they may be thankful.[/quote]

See above.

[quote]3 : Offer bribes. Chocolate, money, sex, or your first born child ought to swing it. Maybe all 4.[/quote]

Hmm… Tempting. Although offering money to get money is a bit spastic.

[quote]4 : Be 112% honest with your boss, evil though (s)he may be. Explain why you feel that you're justified in requesting a payrise, and what you've done to deserve it. DO NOT explain why you need the payrise (i.e. for house repairs, or a new baby, or a new car) - that's very unprofessional, and it's tantamount to begging. You need to convince your boss why they should give you loads more money based on your performance, responsibilities and proffessionalism.[/quote]

Righty. I’ve got *counts* 6 good reasons why I deserve a payrise, as follows:

- Since my last payrise, I’ve gained a full case load (I ran no cases this time last year, at my last appraisal). I’m counted as a fee earner and ‘junior legal executive’.
- I’m now working on defended matters and debt recovery. I will be taking on all new files with one of our larger clients as soon as they get their bottoms into gear. I was incapable of doing this at my last pay review.
- I’ve recently taken an exam to prove my skills, and passed with flying colours (distinction). Not only did I do better than a colleague who’s been doing this job three times as long, but they’ve also entered me for the next level up, so they obviously think I’m capable.
- We run a helpline – people call up for legal advice. I’ve been told they want me to start doing it (I wasn’t allowed before, although sometimes when it’s busy I have no choice but to help out). Again, they obviously think I’m capable. But this will take a large chunk of time out of my day, and they don’t get that stuff for free.
- My colleague, when she started doing the helpline, was doing the exact same job as I am (and isn’t doing much more complicated than I am now. She was put on 20k when she started that. I’m asking for the same – I figure, same circumstances, same money. That’s a 5k raise but I feel justified in asking for it. I’m currently on glorified receptionist wages – a receptionist, I am not.
- They’ve employed a part-timer to do the stuff I no longer have time to do – take calls, filing, etc., as, again – I’m running a full case load.

On a side note (and this isn’t something I can really mention) – they’ve employed someone new of late. She’s almost got a law degree but doesn’t know anything about this area of the law and has absolutely no experience. They’ve employed at 23,500 (we’re not supposed to know that), but she’s only working part time. She’s getting paid 500 less (but actually 4,000 more, if she was full-time – pro bono, I think?) than a fee earner that does the same job as one of the partners, 12 years experience, no qualifications. And 500 more than another collegue who’s got 6 years experience. This new lass will take two years to get up-to-speed, and yet she’s paid extortionately. It’s ridiculous, to say the least.

How’s that, as an objective point of view?

[quote]5 : Be prepared to negotiate for the payrise amount. [/quote]

I’ll negotiate happily, although I can’t see much justification for them saying no. Besides, they’ve walked a fine line with all their employees of late and we’re all on the verge of quitting. It puts us all at an advantage, but I don’t want to seem like I’m taking the p*ss and manipulating my position. I’m actually going to ask them (if I’m brave enough) to tell me what they’re offering first, so that I can get an idea of how they value my work.

[quote]6 : Don't fiddle with anything. Don't fidget.[/quote]

Ooh. Good one. I shall keep that in mind.

[quote]7 : Make eye contact when you're talking. Don't worry about the stuttering - if you stutter, you stutter. It doesn't affect the quality of your work, or your usefulness as an employee.[/quote]

Heh. I’m bad enough at eye contact as it is. But, I supposed coupled with the imagining-them-naked thing, it’d be the only place to look. The stuttering this is particularly handy. Thank you.

[quote]8 : Don't drink loads of coffee between now and then. You'll be jittery, and needing a wee.[/quote]

Happily not a coffee drinker.

[quote]Good luck! [/quote]

Thank you!

A lot of this post is just me trying to get my head around it too. I figure, the more I get accustomed to what I want to say, the easier it might be to say.
Snugglebum the Destroyer
Grab Mum. Grab Lisa. Take a big stick.

Beat the living beejesus out of the boss. Go on the run Thelma and Louise style and we'll put you up for a while.

Yup.

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