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Jonman
Fire away with your personal, financial, spiritual and professional dilemmas.

Jonman will solve all your problems, guaranteed.
craziness
first of all jonman, lmao.
here is my first question:
how do i get my mother to stop obsessivly cleaning without having to kill her or clean myself?
what the hell is wrong with my brother?
why does the damn kid i am going to babysit later not eat? and why does he ALWAYS watch the same episode of power rangers every day?
SuperKathoid
Dear Jonman;

I have a problem. I have fungus growing on my little sister. I think it may be just her face, but I'm not sure. How can I tell?

Sincerely,
Sister of a Fungus
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 10 2003, 07:38 PM)
first of all jonman, lmao.
here is my first question:
how do i get my mother to stop obsessivly cleaning without having to kill her or clean myself?
what the hell is wrong with my brother?
why does the damn kid i am going to babysit later not eat? and why does he ALWAYS watch the same episode of power rangers every day?

1: Unfortunately, the act of bearing children alters a women's body chemistry in subtle ways, resulting in the ability to cook, and the desire to clean. No scientific method has been found to reverse the process. Short of inventing a time machine, and going back to before your parents had children (which I don't recomend - you leave yourself open to a host of paradoxical nightmares. I mean, have you seen Back to the Future?), you options are limited to the following. A: chop off your mother's hands. It'll take her ages to learn to clean with her ears. B: attach tiny dusters to cockroaches legs, and set them free in your room. As they scurry around, your room will be passively cleaned. Try millipedes if the cockies don't work (more legs). C: hire a maid

2: Up until the age of 18, brothers are legally obligated to be a pain in the ass. By telling you this, I'm breaking the guy code, but my Agony Uncle status ought to hold up in court.

3: Is it the episode of Power Rangers that fires Kit Kats out of the screen and into the mouths of the viewers? That would explain the not eating (full of Kit-Kats already), and the re-watching of the same episode (you would, wouldn't you?)

Hope that helps.
Jaq
Dear Jonman:

My toenails are getting longish but I am too lazy to clip them. My question is this, if I cut my fingernails too short will this somehow cancel out my longish toenails?

Signed
Lazy
Jonman
QUOTE (SuperKathoid @ Apr 10 2003, 07:39 PM)
Dear Jonman;

I have a problem. I have fungus growing on my little sister. I think it may be just her face, but I'm not sure. How can I tell?

Sincerely,
Sister of a Fungus

Several options here:

1: Pour beer onto said fungus. If it runs off, it's face. If it's absorbed, it's fungus.

2: Place your sister with the fungus/face pointing away from the light. If it's fungus, it will migrate over a number of weeks towards the light, and end up on the back of the head, leaving the tell-tale nose uncovered so you can identify the face.

Hope that helps.
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 10 2003, 07:54 PM)
Dear Jonman:

My toenails are getting longish but I am too lazy to clip them. My question is this, if I cut my fingernails too short will this somehow cancel out my longish toenails?

Signed
Lazy

My advice is not to cut them at all. Let them grow, and use a cunning system of rubber bands to shape them as they grow, so that they curve around under the foot. Apply furniture polish to the nails, and hey-presto! Permaskis!
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman

My mum thinks i need a job to pay for my way through university, is this true?? if so where are the easiests jobs located? and which ones have the best perks?

Signed
Unemployed
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 10 2003, 08:01 PM)
Dear Jonman

My mum thinks i need a job to pay for my way through university, is this true?? if so where are the easiests jobs located? and which ones have the best perks?

Signed
Unemployed

Dear Unemployed

Job, despite it's appearance, is indeed a four letter word. It's the silent, invisible P that does it.

Back in my day, you could actually get paid for donating sperm at the sperm bank, which seemed to me to be a win-win situation for all concerned.

If that's not the case, extensive research has shown that the easiest jobs are located in Swindon.

As for perks, refuse any job that doesn't offer at-desk-massages. The employers are obviously taking the piss.

Failing all of that, just do what most other students do, and drink yourself into a pit of obesity and debt. It worked for me.
ravein
Dear Jonman,

Just wanted to say.. good job smile.gif

PS. How do you get rid of those pesky cockroaches after the room is clean???
craziness
dear jonman,
it is not that episode, but, how the hell do i get the little duck to eat??????
(i call children ducks)
Jonman
QUOTE (ravein @ Apr 10 2003, 08:08 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Just wanted to say.. good job smile.gif

PS. How do you get rid of those pesky cockroaches after the room is clean???

Thank-you. Appreciation is what makes Agony Uncling worthwhile.

I'm afraid you're missing the point with the cockies. You don't want to get rid of them, or your room starts getting dirty again. Keep a few knocking about (you'll have to scale the number based on the size of the room), in order to keep the room sparkly and dust free. Just don't forget to change the cockroach-foot-dusters every now and again. Otherwise all the cockies develop dust allergies and may strike.
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 10 2003, 08:09 PM)
dear jonman,
it is not that episode, but, how the hell do i get the little duck to eat??????
(i call children ducks)

Try not calling the child a duck. It's no doubt confusing the poor blighter so much that he/she's unable to eat due to confusion as to what he/she SHOULD be eating as a human-shaped duck.

Or keep calling him/her a duck, and put some pond scum in a dish. That'll work equally well.
craziness
i didnt actually call him a duck to his face....yet.......
i refer to him as a duck when he isnt here. anyways, how do i get the damn thing to consume?
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman

I've just finished the bottle of vodka i was drinking, is toilet duck and acceptable substitute?

Signed
Not nearly drunk enough
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 10 2003, 08:19 PM)
i didnt actually call him a duck to his face....yet.......
i refer to him as a duck when he isnt here. anyways, how do i get the damn thing to consume?

As a last resort, use a combination of tickling with feathers, and a funnel.
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 10 2003, 08:19 PM)
Dear Jonman

I've just finished the bottle of vodka i was drinking, is toilet duck and acceptable substitute?

Signed
Not nearly drunk enough

Dear Not nearly drunk enough.

Toilet duck is only an acceptable solution to be drunk when prepared by a master Tibetan cocktail chef. It takes years of training by Tibetan monks to learn how to artfully blend toilet duck, alcohol and other household cleansers into refreshing beverages. So, unless you happen to have a friend or relative called Hap Jeet Dang, or something similar, no, it's not an acceptable substitute. Makes your farts smell nice though.

I also need to know what you're not drunk enough FOR in order to suggest a further course of action.
Jonman
Jonman is off to the post office for a bit, but will resume solving all of life's niggles on his return.

Thank you for your attention.
gerbilfromhell
how is it possible that george bush is president of the usa and that he hasn't been smote yet?
Jonman
QUOTE (gerbilfromhell @ Apr 10 2003, 10:09 PM)
how is it possible that george bush is president of the usa and that he hasn't been smote yet?

Good question, but with a quite simple answer.

Monkeys, as we all know, are a cut above the rest of the animal kingdom, and it's their divine perogative as such that they are immune to smitings and being smote.

Bush has capitalised on this (taking inspiration from Michael Jackson), by having extensive cosmetic surgery, using skin grafted from baboon's buttocks to monkify his face.
ravein
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 10 2003, 10:14 PM)
QUOTE (gerbilfromhell @ Apr 10 2003, 10:09 PM)
how is it possible that george bush is president of the usa and that he hasn't been smote yet?

Good question, but with a quite simple answer.

Monkeys, as we all know, are a cut above the rest of the animal kingdom, and it's their divine perogative as such that they are immune to smitings and being smote.

Bush has capitalised on this (taking inspiration from Michael Jackson), by having extensive cosmetic surgery, using skin grafted from baboon's buttocks to monkify his face.

(NICE---Very good.. much proud of the jonman biggrin.gif )
NummyNums
dear jonman-
well of course the biggest question in the world is if a cat lands on its feet and jelly bread always lands jellys side down well if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat with the jelly side facing up and ush it off a building how will it land?
sighned
very confused about jellied pussys blink.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 10 2003, 10:42 PM)
dear jonman-
well of course the biggest question in the world is if a cat lands on its feet and jelly bread always lands jellys side down well if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat with the jelly side facing up and ush it off a building how will it land?
sighned
very confused about jellied pussys blink.gif

Dear very confused about jellied pussies.

Once I got over my own confusion at the concept of jellied pussies, which sounded like an East End snack mixed with some very dodgy porn, the answer to your question was obvious to my awesome intellect and katana-sharp wit.

What you've actually described the only feasible method of achieving anti-gravity, or levitation, if you will. The opposing forces of cat-landing-on-feet, and toast-landing-on-jelly (or jam, for all you UK folk recoiling in horror at the thought of jelly on toast (US jelly = UK jam, UK jelly = US jello, just in case you were wondering) counteract each other perfectly, as both are universal absolutes that cannot be breached. A bit like the speed of light, but stickier, or furrier.

Interestingly enough, I'm currently developing my own A-G vehicle based on this phenomenom, which consists of between 20 and 100 (depending on the number of passengers) cats with jellied toast attached to their backs tied to a Robin Reliant. The trick is in the mechanism that allows you to detach and reattach the jellied toast from any number of cats at any time (a VERY complicated systemof rubber bands, pulleys, and of course, gaffer tape). By controlling the number of cats that have the jelly effect on them, you can control the rate of climb/descent.

I'm also developing in parallel a new type of catfood that results in chronic kitty flatulence in order to allow forward thrust to be generated as well.

It's going to revolutionise the world, I tells ya.
NummyNums
*scratches chin* interesting.. very interesting
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman:

I need more people willing to write something for the fan site, do you know anyone who'd like to solve problems as their personal page on the site? wink.gif
CrissiLove
hehe could have like a twisted advice column... LOL
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 11 2003, 04:21 AM)
Dear Jonman:

I need more people willing to write something for the fan site, do you know anyone who'd like to solve problems as their personal page on the site? wink.gif

Dear Mistress A,

Based on the number of people who while away countless hours of their time writing utter nonsense in these (and other) forums, I think you should have no problem at all convining folk to contribute.

Of course, bribery is always an option too.
MistressAlti
what kind of bribery?
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 11 2003, 04:40 AM)
what kind of bribery?

The usual: chocolate, alcohol, naked oily girls on trampolines....
Raven343
Dear Jonman,

I have this inexplicable phobia of penguins and this utter hatred for sporks. I can't explain it. I don't know why I have this phobia and hatred but I do. I can't take over the world with penguins and acid bunnies if I am afraid of penguins and sporks are all around me. What should I do to get over my phobia and hatred?

Sincerely,
Queen of the Acid Bunnies
Sir Psycho Sexy
Dear Jonman

Is it really nessecary for me to fill out the same form again to get more money out of the student loan company? I have to answer a lot of questions I answered last year but now I have to go and find all the information again (an example being i have to find out what university i go to)! Surely there has to be an easier way!!

Signed
Still unemployed
Jonman
QUOTE (Raven343 @ Apr 11 2003, 06:09 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I have this inexplicable phobia of penguins and this utter hatred for sporks. I can't explain it. I don't know why I have this phobia and hatred but I do. I can't take over the world with penguins and acid bunnies if I am afraid of penguins and sporks are all around me. What should I do to get over my phobia and hatred?

Sincerely,
Queen of the Acid Bunnies

Dear Your Majesty

Your hatred of penguins is perfectly explicable. Honestly, who can trust a bird that only flies underwater? And those beady eyes? And living on ice? They're obviously up to something, and I think it's a good thing that not everyone swallows their propoganda. Keep it up, and spread the good word.

As for sporks, I feel that you're paralysed with indecision - is it a fork, is it a spoon, arrrghhhhh! The thing to realise is that it's neither. Try calling it a foon instead, and that should help you out.

As for taking over the world, my advice is to start with Luxumbourg. As we've seen recently with the Iraq debacle, if you try and start somewhere that has assets, people get miffed. Luxumbourg is about the size of a football pitch, and it's biggest asset is a small fellow with a mustache that sells hot dogs.
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 11 2003, 01:23 PM)
Dear Jonman

Is it really nessecary for me to fill out the same form again to get more money out of the student loan company? I have to answer a lot of questions I answered last year but now I have to go and find all the information again (an example being i have to find out what university i go to)! Surely there has to be an easier way!!

Signed
Still unemployed

Dear Still unemployed.

You have two options.

1: fill out the aforementioned form. Try and restrain yourself from providing comedy answers as this may affect your chances of getting free cash.

2: Go to the student loans company in person, and pelt every employee with Rice Crispies until they pay you to go away.
Mata
Dear Jonman,

I have this friend who lives in the US. Apparently he's got a very taxing job but I swear he spends most of his day on forums. How can I prove this to be true?

Yrs,

Mata
Jonman
QUOTE (Mata @ Apr 11 2003, 03:42 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I have this friend who lives in the US. Apparently he's got a very taxing job but I swear he spends most of his day on forums. How can I prove this to be true?

Yrs,

Mata

Dear Mata,

Your so-called-friend is obviously a blisteringly fast typist who posts in quiet periods inbetween periods of frantic activity. He's obviously also incredibly intelligent, charming, witty, and is indubitably hugely well endowed.

Hope that answers you question.
NummyNums
dear jonman,
1)when you go to get a license they put you hair color... but when your bald? do they go by your eyebrow color?
2) how many licks?
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,
I'm going home for the weekend, and, consequently, I'll be away from my beloved Matazone. How can I prevent myself from going insane with loneliness and boredom?
Jonman
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 11 2003, 04:04 PM)
dear jonman,
1)when you go to get a license they put you hair color... but when your bald? do they go by your eyebrow color?
2) how many licks?

Dear Nums,

1): Speaking as a full-time slaphead myself (see the family album for evidence), I can tell you with confidence that in order to be allowed to drive a car, I have to wear a wig, so that my licence is valid. I keep it in the glove compartment, otherwise I forget to take it when I go to the car. It's nice, it is, a full on ginger permed mullet.

2) as many as you feel up to.
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 11 2003, 05:26 PM)
Dear Jonman,
I'm going home for the weekend, and, consequently, I'll be away from my beloved Matazone. How can I prevent myself from going insane with loneliness and boredom?

Dear Missy A,

Lay your hands on some juggling balls, and teach yourself to juggle. A weekend is more than enough time to learn the basics of a 3-ball cascade, and maybe even a trick or 3.

I'm actually betraying my agony uncle morals with this one by giving good advice.
MAtt
Dear Jonman

are you insane and do you hope to get this post syndicated?
saucy_tara
Dear Jonman,
Are Friends Electric?
Worried, Devon
leopold
Dear Jonman,

I'm sufferin from a bout of forum burnout. I jus don't seem ta be able to find the enthusiasm ta get postin like I used ta. I feel a fundamental change has occurred somewhere, an it's kinda thrown me off beam.

My question is, will drinkin copious amounts help, or should I opt fer pharmaceuticals?

Yours
Brian Can't-be-arsed
Spacehappy
Dear jonman,

I have just come out of a 4.5 year relationship and me and my ex are still in love, but in my new job their is a woman i like and i get the impression she likes me (feedback from other women), but she has a BF ........what should i do?
LilNick
Dear Jonman,I want to spend more time on the otherside of course.But I have to share a p.c with my sister.I have hardly any money to buy another p.c what can I do?
p.s do you like my Acid Bunny Frodo?
Debaser
Dear Jonman,

No matter how hard I try, I still can't reach 300 posts. With people reaching 2000 posts now, I feel kind of inadequate compared to everyone else. What should I do?
Jonman
QUOTE (MAtt @ Apr 11 2003, 06:12 PM)
Dear Jonman

are you insane and do you hope to get this post syndicated?

Dear Matt,

Not officially, and only for wads of cash. Or Wham bars. Big Wham bars. Like in the old days, not those pansy little ones they palm off on kids these days.
Jonman
QUOTE (saucy_tara @ Apr 11 2003, 07:24 PM)
Dear Jonman,
Are Friends Electric?
Worried, Devon

Dear Worried

If you're worried about your friends not being electric, the simple expedient of inserting a AA cell into any convienient orofice of theirs should put your mind at ease.

Hope that helps.
Jonman
QUOTE (leopold @ Apr 11 2003, 07:27 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I'm sufferin from a bout of forum burnout. I jus don't seem ta be able to find the enthusiasm ta get postin like I used ta. I feel a fundamental change has occurred somewhere, an it's kinda thrown me off beam.

My question is, will drinkin copious amounts help, or should I opt fer pharmaceuticals?

Yours
Brian Can't-be-arsed

Dear Mr. Can't-be-arsed

In my official capacity as forum agony uncle, I can't condone excessive drinking, or any kind of recreational pharmacuticals. As shocking and hideous as it may sound, meladdo, the only solution to this is to take a break.

Throw a cheese and wine party. Mmm, cheese.
Jonman
QUOTE (Spacehappy @ Apr 11 2003, 07:33 PM)
Dear jonman,

I have just come out of a 4.5 year relationship and me and my ex are still in love, but in my new job their is a woman i like and i get the impression she likes me (feedback from other women), but she has a BF ........what should i do?

*removes silly hat and replaces it with sensible hat*

Right then. Based on the miniscule amount of information I have on your situation, here's what I reckon.

If you're both still in love with each other (as opposed to only one of you being love with the other - an important differentiation), you need to look closely at the reason you split up, and figure out between the two of you whether it's worth another go. Sounds like you need to talk to each other at some length.

Until you've sorted this out, don't even consider doing anything with the other woman, as it could wreck your chances of resuming the previous relationship should you (collectively) decide that's the way forward.

Should you decide that 4.5 years is quite enough thank-you-very-much, and it's time to move on, you have three options - mope around in sorrow and pity for a few months, go for the rebound shag with all guns blazing, and to hell with the consequences, or do neither and revel in your newfound batchelorhood - go out all the time, chat up girls, stay up late, leave dirty pants hanging from the lampshades - that kind of thing. All the things that you didn't/weren't allowed to do when you were together. Personally, I think the third option's the daddy (I did it meself a while back), as it reminds you of all the advantages of being single, which will help the breakup wounds heal quicker.

The choice (as they say), is yours.

Hope that helps

*puts silly hat back on and does a Ministry of Silly Walks off into the sunset*
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

As everyone in chat is aware, I like this guy in my history class, but don't have the guts to look at him let alone talk to him.

Do you know a way I can entice him to talk to me without embarrassing myself?

Sincerely,
Sickly Shy
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