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Jonman
QUOTE (wolfbane @ Apr 14 2003, 07:34 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I'm depressed today and feeling worthless. There's a really nice guy in work who I like, and who I get one with, but let's face it who's ever going to want to go out with me? I'm weird in a f&*@ed up way, I'm ugly, have a distinct lack of confidence and the only people who find me even remotley goodl looking are people I know over the net, which, quite frankly, says it all. How can I hide away without people noticing that I'm gone?

Yours,
depressed and worthless

Dear Wolfbane,

OK.

-----1: weird in a fricked up way is not necessarily a bad thing. It's way way preferable to vanilla dull and boring. Trust me on this.

-----2: You think you're ugly. Right-o . Here's a little secret I don't tell many people. *whispers* I'm not nearly as fit as Brad Pitt*. Not many folk are. Conversely, I don't expect that you (or anyone else I'm likely to meet over the entire course of my life) are quite as lovely as Kylie. That does not mean that you should save yourself for Brad, 'cos I'm sure as hell not saving myself for Kylie. At the end of the day, beauty truly really is in the eye of the beholder. I've only learnt this myself in the last few years. Which leads me onto...

------3: m'afraid I can't help with the lack of confidence. That's something that has to come from you.
However, what helped me when I was sufferring from a crisis of confidence with the girls a while back was taking a step back and looking objectively at the whole boy-girl scenario, and realising how futile worrying about what someone thinks about you to the extent that you end up pretending to be someone else in order to attract them. Only to have the whole thing turn to crap when you relax enough to start being yourself and they realise that they preferred the person you're not.
The sheer black comedy of the whole situation made me chuckle for a long time (once I got over the inevitable breakup, of course), and I realised that there's no point worrying about it, and totally chilled out about the whole thing. And you know what? Once I did that, suddenly, girls who hithertofor I'd have considered waaaay out of my leaugue started hitting on _me_. And that's never happened before.
I came to realise that the fact that I was *happy* being a not-particularly attractive tubby balding bloke with wonky teeth actually worked in my favour, and made me attractive (kind of an anti-vicious circle - the new-found confidence born of not giving a s**t anymore bred attractiveness, which bred confidence). Confidence isn't about knowing you look good, it's about not really giving a crap what other folk think. I've got a friend who's pretty darned far from the accepted standard of beauty. But she's happy how she is, doesn't care if people think she's attractive or not; it shows, and that in itself makes her sexy.
Seriously, try stopping caring how folk look at you, or what they think.. Do stupid things in public, and concentrate on not getting embarressed (consider that as a homework assignment). Took me a while to get that one, but now I can happily wander down the street and shout "I'VE GOT A SMALL WILLY" without the slightest shred of embarressment. Once I realised that I didn't (and shouldn't) care what strangers thought of me, it was like a new me emerged. Why should we care anyway? we don't know these people, they don't know us.
----4: hiding away isn't what I'd recommend, but according to the videogames I've been playing recently, an upturned barrel will not only hide you from baddies, but will allow you to move about too. Just make sure to stay still when they look at you.
----5: as for the bloke, you say you get on together - that's a good starting point. Hiding away ain't going to get you anywhere with him. Unless of course you're hiding away together, which sounds like fun. Anyway, my advice (as usual in affairs of the heart), is chill out, take it easy, and spend time together. If he's into you, it'll happen. If he's not, it won't - accept it and move on. You can't _make_ people like you (see above about pretending to be who you're not - don't get caught up in that one), and not everyone is going to like everyone.

And my final point - just to reiterate - the sexiest part of a girl is not tits'n'ass. Neither is it a perfectly flat belly or legs that go up to the armpits. Nope. It's a smile that comes easily and laugh that comes often.

Hope that helps,
Spacehappy
Dear Jonman,

An 18year old woman in work is going to her friends birthday party on wensday i have been invited to keep her company......she is going in fancy dress...... a rubber nurses outfit. I'm going of course but my problem is this....shall i take my camera????. biggrin.gif

Yours

Feeling Pervy.
Jonman
QUOTE (Spacehappy @ Apr 14 2003, 09:13 PM)
Dear Jonman,

An 18year old woman in work is going to her friends birthday party on wensday i have been invited to keep her company......she is going in fancy dress...... a rubber nurses outfit. I'm going of course but my problem is this....shall i take my camera????. biggrin.gif

Yours

Feeling Pervy.

Dear Spacehappy,

I have no idea of your age, gender or sexual persuasion, but hell yeah!!!!

*grins*

Jonman.
Spacehappy
31, male, hetro and yeh thats what i thought wink.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (Spacehappy @ Apr 14 2003, 09:41 PM)
31, male, hetro and yeh thats what i thought wink.gif

Ooh, right. I get you now. Worried about looking like a pervy old man?

Simple solution - get someone else to take the photos. Serves a double purpose - not only do you avoid accusations of being a vile mac-wearing old git, but you get to appear in pictures with a bunch of giggling 18 year olds clad in fetish outfits, which ought to earn you significant kudos among your peers.

Jeez, sometimes I astound even myself with my sheer brilliance.

*wink*
jicama
dear jon:
my puppy is extremely energetic, but i'm not. how do i provide her with oodles of fun exercise with out having to get off my posterior? she gets bored of fetch pretty fast and then just goes berserk around my rather small house... she makes the couch tip over!
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 14 2003, 09:46 PM)
dear jon:
my puppy is extremely energetic, but i'm not. how do i provide her with oodles of fun exercise with out having to get off my posterior? she gets bored of fetch pretty fast and then just goes berserk around my rather small house... she makes the couch tip over!

Dear jicama.

Simple solution to this one.You need to buy some bread, some jelly (if you're in america) or jam (if you're elsewhere) and a cat. Oh, and some small rubber bands and some big stretchy rubber bands.

Toast the bread, and spread jelly/jam onto it. Attach to cat's back with small rubber band. If you've been paying attention to this thread, you'll know that this is the only way to achieve an anti-gravity effect by opposing the unopposable forces of cats landing on their feet and toast landing spread side down. Float the jam cat at about head height in the opposite corner of the room to the sofa.

Now, tie the dog to the couch with the big long stretchy rubber band. The dog will obviously go mental and try to get to the the cat that's bobbing gently in the corner. However, the rubber band will act like a big bungee cord, preventing the dog from getting the cat, but giving he little tyke his exercise.

The bonus effect of this plan is that you can throw kitty biscuits at the cat to feed it without having to move. Fun and improves coordination. In fact, if you were feeling energetic, you could fit SCUBA flippers designed for babies to the cat's paws to allow it to swim through the air. The dog will then be even more keen to catch it, and your biscuit archery will have to be more accurate.

Hope this helps,
Jonman
NummyNums
how come no one wants one of the siggy people i have.. i made a thread an no one goes to it cuz no one wants one....
sighned very sad
gerbilfromhell
nummy, you are spammin the forum. BAD! SPAMMIN=BAD (not angry at ya jus dun spam it be bad)
NummyNums
i have good question...
does gum stay in your stomach forever?
sighned swallows to much gum
jicama
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 14 2003, 11:08 PM)
Now, tie the dog to the couch with the big long stretchy rubber band. The dog will obviously go mental and try to get to the the cat that's bobbing gently in the corner. However, the rubber band will act like a big bungee cord, preventing the dog from getting the cat, but giving he little tyke his exercise.

one problem, puppy is smart. she will chew through the rubber bands in no time!
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 14 2003, 11:19 PM)
puppy is smart.

Jicama this may be a bit off topic, but I saw your dog. We are talking about the same animal...right?
Jonman
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 14 2003, 11:18 PM)
i have good question...
does gum stay in your stomach forever?
sighned swallows to much gum

Yes. Left alone long enough, it's been known to evolve and develop it's own consciousness. Really old people have been found who have vast civilisations of tiny technologically advanced gum people living in their tummies.
jicama
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 14 2003, 11:20 PM)
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 14 2003, 11:19 PM)
puppy is smart.

Jicama this may be a bit off topic, but I saw your dog. We are talking about the same animal...right?

she's smart! she's just not bright...
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 14 2003, 11:19 PM)
one problem, puppy is smart. she will chew through the rubber bands in no time!

Smear the rubber with it's own poo. If the doggie's clever, it won't chew through poo.
jicama
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 14 2003, 11:25 PM)
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 14 2003, 11:19 PM)
one problem, puppy is smart.  she will chew through the rubber bands in no time!

Smear the rubber with it's own poo. If the doggie's clever, it won't chew through poo.

like i said, smart, but not bright....
Jaq
Dear Jonman:

There's a guy who I broke up with in the fall and he keeps phoning me, emailing me and being all friendly to me, inviting me out places and the like. What can I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings and I think I've already been mean enough...
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 15 2003, 12:01 AM)
Dear Jonman:

There's a guy who I broke up with in the fall and he keeps phoning me, emailing me and being all friendly to me, inviting me out places and the like. What can I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings and I think I've already been mean enough...

Dear Jaq,

Honesty, honesty, honesty. Call him up, or better still, if you've got the guts, meet up with him somewhere quiet and explain how you feel, whether it's we-can-still-be-friends-but-theres-no-chance-we'll-get-back-together, or I'd-rather-just-make-a-clean-break-of-it. Get it out in the open, and make sure you _both_ know where you stand.

Either that, or fake your own death and move. I could do with an au-pair - interested? Doesn't pay too good, but my apartments full of great toys to keep you entertained once all the cleaning and cooking's done.

Jonman
Jaq
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 15 2003, 12:29 AM)
Either that, or fake your own death and move. I could do with an au-pair - interested? Doesn't pay too good, but my apartments full of great toys to keep you entertained once all the cleaning and cooking's done.

Jonman

And how would one go about faking ones own death?
jicama
oh that's easy! i'll make a dummy of you. we'll put it in his yard, and booby trap it so that when he opens the door, it explodes! hey, that sounds like fun....
Jaq
Hmmm...then I can get a job? Cause I really need a job and if that means faking my own death, then so be it!

Not to say that faking my own death wouldn't be enjoyable. . . Because it would . . .
jicama
well, we just get you a new identity, that's all.
Jaq
'cause jonman said he'd employ me if I faked my own death. And boy howdy do I need a job? I do.
jicama
we'll call you... stiny!
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 15 2003, 01:55 AM)
we'll call you... stiny!

No! that's my cars name. Silly girl...

Sorry Jonman...we highjacked your stellar thread...
jicama
need to ask him more questions!

jon!
i've got whole wheat buns, pepper salami, tomatoes and lettuce. what kind of cheese should i buy?
CovertYawn
Dear Jonman.
Its around two thirty in the morning and I've just eaten a cheese and brown sauce Toastie, but I am still quite hungry, I'm about to go make a cup of tea. What else should I have to eat???

Yours.
Really Friggin Hungry
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 15 2003, 02:22 AM)
need to ask him more questions!

jon!
i've got whole wheat buns, pepper salami, tomatoes and lettuce. what kind of cheese should i buy?

Dear Jic

Assuming your in the states, avoid like the plague that complete load of old ladies pants that you lot call cheese, that plasticy nasty crappy stuff. Pepperjack, american, swiss, provolone....grrrrr.

Bah.

Go to a market, or proper cheese shop, and get either a creamy english or canadian cheddar (or irish), to offset nicely the peppeeyness of the salami. Or perhaps some gorgonzola.

Failing that, you ought to be able to find some fresh mozzarella, what with the american fascination with pizza and all. That'll work nicely if sliced thinly and layered between each of the other ingredients.

Hope that helps,
Jonman
QUOTE (CovertYawn @ Apr 15 2003, 02:26 AM)
Dear Jonman.
Its around two thirty in the morning and I've just eaten a cheese and brown sauce Toastie, but I am still quite hungry, I'm about to go make a cup of tea. What else should I have to eat???

Yours.
Really Friggin Hungry

Dear RFH,

Assuming you can't be bothered to walk to the kebab (gyro to you americans listening in) shop (which let's face it is the correct food for that time of day), you have another five or 6 cups of tea, and maybe a Pot Noodle. If there's a petrol station nearby, treat yourself to a trip outside and a Ginsters cheese and ham slice.

Lovely.
CovertYawn
QUOTE
Dear RFH,

Assuming you can't be bothered to walk to the kebab (gyro to you americans listening in) shop (which let's face it is the correct food for that time of day), you have another five or 6 cups of tea, and maybe a Pot Noodle. If there's a petrol station nearby, treat yourself to a trip outside and a Ginsters cheese and ham slice.

Lovely.


Pot noodle! of course, how could I be so dumb!! thanks Jonman, Agony Uncle extrodinaire biggrin.gif You've made my life that little bit better.

One thing..

Dear Jonman.
How in hells name do I get brown sauce off a keyboard??

Yours.
Sticky Fingers
jicama
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 15 2003, 02:28 AM)
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 15 2003, 02:22 AM)
need to ask him more questions!

jon!
i've got whole wheat buns, pepper salami, tomatoes and lettuce.  what kind of cheese should i buy?

Dear Jic

Assuming your in the states, avoid like the plague that complete load of old ladies pants that you lot call cheese, that plasticy nasty crappy stuff. Pepperjack, american, swiss, provolone....grrrrr.

Bah.

Go to a market, or proper cheese shop, and get either a creamy english or canadian cheddar (or irish), to offset nicely the peppeeyness of the salami. Or perhaps some gorgonzola.

Failing that, you ought to be able to find some fresh mozzarella, what with the american fascination with pizza and all. That'll work nicely if sliced thinly and layered between each of the other ingredients.

Hope that helps,

i'm in canada!

cheddar is super great, but i have that every!
gorgonzola eh? nice choice! thanks jon!
*another happy costumer*
Jonman
QUOTE (CovertYawn @ Apr 15 2003, 02:32 AM)
thanks Jonman, Agony Uncle extrodinaire biggrin.gif You've made my life that little bit better.

One thing..

Dear Jonman.
How in hells name do I get brown sauce off a keyboard??

Yours.
Sticky Fingers

My pleasure - that's what I'm here for.

As for the brown sauce. Rent a hungry kitten for an evening.
jicama
what is brown sauce? is that english for maple syrup or something?
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 15 2003, 02:36 AM)
what is brown sauce? is that english for maple syrup or something?

It's sauce. That's brown.

Looks like Chef's sauce, if you have that in Canada. But it's blinkin lovely, whereas chef's sauce smells like the devils underpants. Essential with a greasy fry-up.

Has been known to cause Englishmen to come to blows when discussing which brand is best - HP or Daddies.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I am looking for a spell to assure that I get this job I interviewed for any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Miss LoLo
CovertYawn
QUOTE
Has been known to cause Englishmen to come to blows when discussing which brand is best - HP or Daddies.


Obviously that won't happen around here because obliviously HP is the best....

One more question for tonight.

Dear Jonman.
I think I might be addicted to tea, is there any way to find out?

Yours.
Needing another Cuppa
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 15 2003, 02:49 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I am looking for a spell to assure that I get this job I interviewed for any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Miss LoLo

Dear Lolo,

Abracada*flash*ra!

That should see you straight, assuming the interviewer's not a gay man or a straight woman.
Jonman
QUOTE (CovertYawn @ Apr 15 2003, 02:50 AM)
QUOTE
Has been known to cause Englishmen to come to blows when discussing which brand is best - HP or Daddies.


Obviously that won't happen around here because obliviously HP is the best....

One more question for tonight.

Dear Jonman.
I think I might be addicted to tea, is there any way to find out?

Yours.
Needing another Cuppa

why I oughtttta....

It's a good job for you that I'm here in my official capacity, or you'd be getting a piece of my mind, and a taste of the back of my hand, you HP-loving freak!

*takes deep breath and regains proffessionalism*

As for tea, I'd be more worried if you weren't addicted to tea. That's plainly wrong for someone of (y)our nationality.
CovertYawn
QUOTE
why I oughtttta....

It's a good job for you that I'm here in my official capacity, or you'd be getting a piece of my mind, and a taste of the back of my hand, you HP-loving freak!

*takes deep breath and regains proffessionalism*

As for tea, I'd be more worried if you weren't addicted to tea. That's plainly wrong for someone of (y)our nationality.


Why? you don't enjoy the finer things in life, such as the refined taste of HP brown sauce? You Sir, are a Cad, and a Bounder too.

Good point on the Tea thing though....
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 14 2003, 06:53 PM)
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 15 2003, 02:49 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I am looking for a spell to assure that I get this job I interviewed for any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Miss LoLo

Dear Lolo,

Abracada*flash*ra!

That should see you straight, assuming the interviewer's not a gay man or a straight woman.

Thankies!
Jaq
English are odd. Is there any way around this?
jicama
could you read me the list of ingredients on a brown sauce bottle? it's sounding like worcestershire sauce.
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 15 2003, 03:03 AM)
English are odd. Is there any way around this?

Yes.

Death, or adopting american citizenship.
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 15 2003, 03:32 AM)
could you read me the list of ingredients on a brown sauce bottle? it's sounding like worcestershire sauce.

I can't seeing as I don't got none, what with me living in the land of the bree and home of the frave.

Covert?
jicama
what is the best tea to drink in the evening?
dragon's blossom
jonman why do they sing take me out to the ball game if you are already there?
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,

Why do I feel like an Evil Poptart all the time?

-- the dragonfruit-smoothie-and-cyanide-flavored one
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 15 2003, 04:35 AM)
what is the best tea to drink in the evening?

99 times out of a hundred, it's good old PG Tips. However, if you're a caffeine sensitive person, you might want to try camomile, or spiced apple, or peppermint.

I'll probably get lynched next time I set foot in England for saying that you realise.
Jonman
QUOTE (dragon's blossom @ Apr 15 2003, 04:41 AM)
jonman why do they sing take me out to the ball game if you are already there?

S'ironic innit? S'like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife to stab Alanis Morrissette with.
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 15 2003, 04:43 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Why do I feel like an Evil Poptart all the time?

-- the dragonfruit-smoothie-and-cyanide-flavored one

Perhaps in fact, you are an evil pop tart. That would explain it, wouldn't it?
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