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LoLo
Dear Jonman,

Why do I feel the need to flash people all the time?

**flashes forum**

Sincerely,
Flashy van Flashes A Lot
craziness
dear jonman,
is it unhealthy to change your time zone state of mind all of the time? every weekday when i have school, i go to bed at 11 or 12, and i wake up at either 645 or 715. on the weekends, i stay up till at least 3 every morning (if not 5) and i sleep until 12-3. then when i go on break, i generally stay up till at least 5, if not 7, and sleep until 3-5. sometimes though, i will randomly go to bed at 7 and sleep till like 430. is there something wrong with me? if so what? and what should i do? my mom thinks i am an insomniac. i think i should get more sleep during the week, but besides that, is it wrong to switch time zones if you still get a solid 8 hours every night??
jicama
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 15 2003, 05:43 AM)
I'll probably get lynched next time I set foot in England for saying that you realise.

don't worry, i won't tell anyone!
wolfbane
Dear Jonman,

Thank you for the advice. It had the added bonus of making me smile which is a good thing. I am in work today and so shall be all talkative and blue-haired (just one of the daft things I've done which makes townie kids yell at me...grrrr), though not hiding in a barrel. Even though that does sound like fun.

Yours,
the blue-barrel-kid
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 15 2003, 05:55 AM)
Dear Jonman,

Why do I feel the need to flash people all the time?

**flashes forum**

Sincerely,
Flashy van Flashes A Lot

Dear Ms. Flashes A Lot.

If I had my Freud hat on, I'd waffle on about flashing as a way of making up for sins against the mother as a child.

But I'm feeling decidedly silly this morning, so the obvious explanation is that you're allergic to clothes.

Dr. Jonman
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 15 2003, 06:00 AM)
dear jonman,
is it unhealthy to change your time zone state of mind all of the time? every weekday when i have school, i go to bed at 11 or 12, and i wake up at either 645 or 715. on the weekends, i stay up till at least 3 every morning (if not 5) and i sleep until 12-3. then when i go on break, i generally stay up till at least 5, if not 7, and sleep until 3-5. sometimes though, i will randomly go to bed at 7 and sleep till like 430. is there something wrong with me? if so what? and what should i do? my mom thinks i am an insomniac. i think i should get more sleep during the week, but besides that, is it wrong to switch time zones if you still get a solid 8 hours every night??

Dear Crazi,

Yes and no.

It won't do you any favours, but the worst that it'll do is make you a bit run down. I've been living with weekend-induced-jetlag for the last 5 years of so, and it hasn't done me any harm *twitch* *shudder*

Nah, nothing wrong with it. I'm jealous as anything. I love staying up late - a total night person, me, but the evilness of my job means I have to be up at 6 every day. Grr.
Jonman
QUOTE (wolfbane @ Apr 15 2003, 12:21 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Thank you for the advice. It had the added bonus of making me smile which is a good thing. I am in work today and so shall be all talkative and blue-haired (just one of the daft things I've done which makes townie kids yell at me...grrrr), though not hiding in a barrel. Even though that does sound like fun.

Yours,
the blue-barrel-kid

*bows with a flourish*

that's what I'm here for....

Right, I'm off to hide in a barrel, and jump out at townie kids.
Oni Usagi
I can't stop falling in love w/ fictional characters. It seems like there's a new one every week. What can I do? What can I do?
Jonman
QUOTE (Oni Usagi @ Apr 15 2003, 04:02 PM)
I can't stop falling in love w/ fictional characters. It seems like there's a new one every week. What can I do? What can I do?

You're a bit of a fiction-hussy aren't you, really? I mean, a new one every week? How do you think that makes last week's one feel? Or the week before?

Perhaps stop reading/watching fiction?

Either that or buy cardboard cutouts of whichever character is flavour of the week, and take them out with you wherever you go.
Jaq
Dear Jonman:

I have a final in two and a half hours...should I be studying or should I waste more of my time on the forum? I did study for 6 hours yesterday, but I think the time on the forum has pushed out all the interesting facts about...blah blah blah blah. What should I do?

Yours
Hates Biology
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

Why are you so insiteful and funny at the same time?

Sincerely,
Highly Amused
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 15 2003, 06:27 PM)
Dear Jonman:

I have a final in two and a half hours...should I be studying or should I waste more of my time on the forum? I did study for 6 hours yesterday, but I think the time on the forum has pushed out all the interesting facts about...blah blah blah blah. What should I do?

Yours
Hates Biology

Dear Hates

Much as it pains me to say it, get thee to thy textbooks. You'll thank me later.

*feels like Jaq's dad*
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 15 2003, 07:46 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Why are you so insiteful and funny at the same time?

Sincerely,
Highly Amused

A diet of fish, lots and lots of videogames, a misspent narcotically enhanced youth, and a love of talking utter nonsense.
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 15 2003, 07:39 AM)
But I'm feeling decidedly silly this morning, so the obvious explanation is that you're allergic to clothes.

Dr. Jonman

Actually I really do have an allergy to elastic, so in a way I am allergic to some clothes. Good Call!
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,

There's a pink stapler on my desk. What should I do?
spuglet
dear jonmak
im havin trouble focusing
what do i do?
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 15 2003, 09:32 PM)
Dear Jonman,

There's a pink stapler on my desk. What should I do?

RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!
Jonman
QUOTE (spuglet @ Apr 15 2003, 09:44 PM)
dear jonmak
im havin trouble focusing
what do i do?

Lay off the absinthe. Rots your brains, so it does. A mate of mine went blind for a day after over-indulging in it. Evil evil czech bastad-booze.
spuglet
ah absinthe... the old friend! not this time though, a mix of all i could find was to blame! i think i can focus better now though. the effects are wearing off...dammit
Jaq
Thanks Jonman! You solved my problem! But unfortunately I have another one.

Is it a must to tell people when you are performing behavioural experiements on them? I think that they should probably be warned but my friend says as long as you're not going to be publishing the results in a journal than all's fair. What should I do?

Yours
At An Ethical Quandry
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 15 2003, 11:24 PM)
Thanks Jonman! You solved my problem! But unfortunately I have another one.

Is it a must to tell people when you are performing behavioural experiements on them? I think that they should probably be warned but my friend says as long as you're not going to be publishing the results in a journal than all's fair. What should I do?

Yours
At An Ethical Quandry

Interestingly enough, I actually have a certificated qualification in theological morality and ethics. No, I actually do, bizarrely enough.

Anyway, onto your dilemma. Obviously it depends on the nature of the experiment. I'd say that if it involves testing their behaviour in response to being savaged by rabid crocodiles, then yes, it's only polite to inform them beforehand. However, if it's a simple matter of gauging vocal responses to simple questions, then maybe not.

Also, if they happen to be your friends, I would say tell them. Obviously, after the experiment, in order to avoid skewing your data. If it's random folk, and the experiment won't put them through any kind of stress or trauma, then sod'em. Ignorance is bliss.

Hope that helps,
MAtt
yah go screw with people while they eat dinner in czechalslovakia
Sir Psycho Sexy
Jonman, whats brown and sticky?
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 16 2003, 01:06 AM)
Jonman, whats brown and sticky?

Cabbage that's been liquidised, boiled, strained, left in the sun for a fortnight, thrown against a wall, scraped off with a ski pole, and flicked at geese.

Obvious innit?
Jaq
Dear Jonman:

Is it wrong for me to ressurect a thread that no one else seems interested in, but I happen to think is hilarious?
Raven343
Dear Jonman,

I had a dream last night about a toaster. I have been having this same dream for a long time and I can't seem to shake it. My mother murdered the toaster. Can you tell me what the dream means or at least tell me a way to stop having the same dream?

Sincerely,
The Person Standing Behind You
craziness
dear jonman,
my mom secretly hates me. when i lash out at her and scream "I KNOW YOU HATE ME OK!?!?!?!??!" she ignores me and then a few days later says "why do you think i hate you jessica?" "hmmm well maybe because when i leave the dinner table you say things about how you wish i were different and how i am not good enough for you and how you wish i could do this and you wish i would try harder with that etc." "i never said that." "YES YOU DID" "do you really think i am a bad mother" *at this point i have to lie to her or else she will have a breakdown and hate me ever more, her mother hated her also and so she is always trying to be a good mother even though she is a horrible mother* "no. you are ok." "well i let you do lots of stuff that other people's parents wont let them do." *i shut my mouth at this point because if i say "no actually that isnt true" she will go on about a few crazy-strick people she knows and the things that they do to their children. so basicly she ultimately wins. i mean, i REALLY wanna just yell at her one day "YES YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER AND I HATE YOU GODDAMN IT! YES I KNOW YOU HATE ME AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO JUST DENY IT IN MY FACE ITS NOT LIKE I DONT ALREADY KNOW ABOUT ALL THE THINGS YOU SAY ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!!!!!" but i cant really do that, because i will be punished and she will be emotionally damagaed for years and i dont feel like having to deal with her stupid crying all the time. so what the hell should i do???????

signed,
stuck in a dysfuncional family

p.s. you still havent hear the first thing about my mother, not to mention the REST of my family.
Industrial Kybosh
Dear Jonman,

I feel directionless. My life has become complex, and I fear that I may have lost my way.

Is this KwikSave?

Sinfaithfully,

Trying To Buy Bread.
Oni Usagi
Craziness,

You're not my mom's secret child from her family far away are you?
Is your mom a clone of my mom or vice versa?

*Jumps up and down on mothers heart*
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 16 2003, 04:35 AM)
Dear Jonman:

Is it wrong for me to ressurect a thread that no one else seems interested in, but I happen to think is hilarious?

Dear Jaq,

As with so many of your (collectively) problems, you must examine the context. If you truly believe that the thread meets the minimum required quality standard, then go on ahead. One thing to be aware of is if you end up being the only poster, maybe it's time to quit. No-one likes a spammer.

*looks below Jaq's post, heaves sigh of relief*
NinjaKitty
Dear Jonman,
My kitty is staring at me. It's scary. I don't know if she wants to attack me or steal my soul unsure.gif What should I do? What does she want from me?
Jonman
QUOTE (Raven343 @ Apr 16 2003, 04:55 AM)
Dear Jonman,

I had a dream last night about a toaster. I have been having this same dream for a long time and I can't seem to shake it. My mother murdered the toaster. Can you tell me what the dream means or at least tell me a way to stop having the same dream?

Sincerely,
The Person Standing Behind You

Dear Raven,

The simplest way to stop having the dream is to cease sleeping. After a couple of sleepless weeks, you'll not longer be dreaming about toasters. You may well be hallucinating giant toasters with massive pointy teeth that are taking over the world, but hey, you can't make an omlette without breaking eggs, eh?

As for the meaning of the dream, either:

A : the toaster is a metaphor for your creativity and artistic outlets, and you obviously feel that your mother's actions are stifling the real you from expressing yourself through the twin mediums of sculpture and expressive dance

B : you really like toast, but your mum's not too keen on it, as bits get stuck in her teeth.

Hope that helps.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

Why do I feel the need to waste my life away on the internet?

Sincerely,
Addicted
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 16 2003, 05:40 AM)
dear jonman,
my mom secretly hates me. when i lash out at her and scream "I KNOW YOU HATE ME OK!?!?!?!??!" she ignores me and then a few days later says "why do you think i hate you jessica?" "hmmm well maybe because when i leave the dinner table you say things about how you wish i were different and how i am not good enough for you and how you wish i could do this and you wish i would try harder with that etc." "i never said that." "YES YOU DID" "do you really think i am a bad mother" *at this point i have to lie to her or else she will have a breakdown and hate me ever more, her mother hated her also and so she is always trying to be a good mother even though she is a horrible mother* "no. you are ok." "well i let you do lots of stuff that other people's parents wont let them do." *i shut my mouth at this point because if i say "no actually that isnt true" she will go on about a few crazy-strick people she knows and the things that they do to their children. so basicly she ultimately wins. i mean, i REALLY wanna just yell at her one day "YES YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER AND I HATE YOU GODDAMN IT! YES I KNOW YOU HATE ME AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO JUST DENY IT IN MY FACE ITS NOT LIKE I DONT ALREADY KNOW ABOUT ALL THE THINGS YOU SAY ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!!!!!" but i cant really do that, because i will be punished and she will be emotionally damagaed for years and i dont feel like having to deal with her stupid crying all the time. so what the hell should i do???????

signed,
stuck in a dysfuncional family

p.s. you still havent hear the first thing about my mother, not to mention the REST of my family.

Dear Crazi,

OK, I feel like I'm getting waaaay out of my depth here, so take everything I say with a pinch of salt.

As you say, I don't know the first thing about your mother or your family, and only the bare minimum about your good self, so, again, all I can do is generalise.

I think it's very very rare indeed to find a mother who actually hates any of their children. If your mum really hated you, would she still take care of you, provide a home, food and so on? What I don't think is so uncommon is a parent wanting the best for their children, and I think many parents, as a result, probably have certain expectations for what they'd like their kids to be doing. That's only natural. Sometimes, inevitably, there's going to be a difference between the expectation and the reality.

So lets assume that your mum has certain expectations for you, which you don't meet (not saying that it's your fault, just that you've turned out to be a different person than you would have done if your mum was able to choose the way you turned out). It seems extremely tactless for her to voice these thoughts (which I'm sure most parents have at one time or another), but that's not necessarily an indication of her hating you, just her opening mouth before engaging brain.

The fact that you say that she's always trying to be a good mother is encouraging, and once again a sign that she doesn't hate you (if she hated you, she wouldn't give a toss whether she was a good mother or not). It just sounds more like her idea of good mothering and your idea of good mothering are somewhat different.

As to what you should do, I hesitate to give advice on something so personal and important as this, especially without knowing the details. I strongly recommend NOT losing your temper with her and having a slanging match, as this will achieve nothing, and just make you both miserable. I know it'll be difficult, but the only bit of advice I can really give is to talk to each other. Not argue, not pass the time of day, but sit down together and talk calmly about how you feel about your relationship with each other, your problems with her, and her problems with you. If you were in England, ideally, you'd do this over a pot of tea. Don't know what the New York equivalent is.

And at the end of the day, you only have the one mum.

Crappy cop-out advice, but the best I can muster.

Jonman
Jonman
QUOTE (Industrial Kybosh @ Apr 16 2003, 03:42 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I feel directionless. My life has become complex, and I fear that I may have lost my way.

Is this KwikSave?

Sinfaithfully,

Trying To Buy Bread.

Dear Inky,

Bread. One aisle from the end, after the jam, but before the booze.

For the directionless life, I prescribe a diet of bass-heavy tunes and dancefloor destroyers. You're prescription's going in the post this morning.

Oh, and buy a compass. Never be directionless again.
Industrial Kybosh
Gee thanks, Unca Jonman!

/me grabs some jam to go with the bread, and some booze to go with the bass-heavy tunes...
Jonman
QUOTE (NinjaKitty @ Apr 16 2003, 03:59 PM)
Dear Jonman,
My kitty is staring at me. It's scary. I don't know if she wants to attack me or steal my soul unsure.gif What should I do? What does she want from me?

Dear Ninj,

Check your pockets. Still got your wallet/purse? Keys? OK, you're probably OK. Kitties rarely jump straight into stealing souls. They normally start small, a fiver here, a CD out of the car there, before graduating onto souls.

It's also worth noting that ironically, considering the phrase 'cat-burgler', kitties make poor thieves, as they have no pockets to hide the swag in. If your cat was a kleptomanic, you'd have noticed that things keep going missing by now. And that the kitty-basket is getting lumpier.

In the event that your kitty has been stealing stuff, get a spiritual padlock, and lock your soul in place.

Safe as houses.
NinjaKitty
Thanks Jonman! laugh.gif I've got another one....

Dear Jonman,
Why does someone from an auto body repair place keep calling my cell phone and telling me my car is ready? I don't even own a car. How can I get them to leave me alone?
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 16 2003, 04:08 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Why do I feel the need to waste my life away on the internet?

Sincerely,
Addicted

Dear Addicted,

I'm unable to answer your question. You'd never catch me doing something as silly as wasting my life on the internet. No. Absolutely not. uh-huh.

*looks around*

Oh, right you are then.

2 questions to answer for you, Lo:
1 : do you enjoy the time you spend online
2 : is it preferable to, or merely a fun diversion from, real life

If the answer to question 2 is 'preferable', then there's your reason right there. Bit worrying though, that.
If 2 is 'diversion' and 1 is yes, then who cares? You're having fun, and ultimately, that's what it's all about.

My 2003 motto for life?

No fun? No point.
Jonman
QUOTE (NinjaKitty @ Apr 16 2003, 04:35 PM)
Thanks Jonman! laugh.gif I've got another one....

Dear Jonman,
Why does someone from an auto body repair place keep calling my cell phone and telling me my car is ready? I don't even own a car. How can I get them to leave me alone?

Go and pick up the car.

Easy, and a bit of a bonus too.
NummyNums
dear jonman...
can i really call uranus?
sighned really wnats to call uranus
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 16 2003, 08:36 AM)
2 questions to answer for you, Lo:
1 : do you enjoy the time you spend online
2 : is it preferable to, or merely a fun diversion from, real life

1. Yes I enjoy it. People here make me feel quite wonderful, and it's easier for me to be myself and not let my shyness ruin things for me.

2. The only times I do that is when my sis is visiting, other than that I don't have any real life to avoid.
Jonman
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 16 2003, 04:38 PM)
dear jonman...
can i really call uranus?
sighned really wnats to call uranus

Call who uranus? Me? if yer like. Sticks and stones and all that.

Or did you mean call my anus? 1-800-BUM-HAIR. I look forward to your call.
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 16 2003, 04:39 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 16 2003, 08:36 AM)
2 questions to answer for you, Lo:
1 : do you enjoy the time you spend online
2 : is it preferable to, or merely a fun diversion from, real life

1. Yes I enjoy it. People here make me feel quite wonderful, and it's easier for me to be myself and not let my shyness ruin things for me.

2. The only times I do that is when my sis is visiting, other than that I don't have any real life to avoid.

Well there you go then. Glad that's tidied up.

So, it's all good.

What to do now is take the ignoring-shyness and apply it to real life. It's a bit like skydiving. Absolutely mind-numbingly, pant-wettingly terrifying the first time you do it, then 3 minutes later, you're so chuffed with what you've just done, you can't wait to do it again.
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 16 2003, 08:42 AM)
What to do now is take the ignoring-shyness and apply it to real life. It's a bit like skydiving. Absolutely mind-numbingly, pant-wettingly terrifying the first time you do it, then 3 minutes later, you're so chuffed with what you've just done, you can't wait to do it again.

I act this way with people in real life that I'm comfortable with. People who have known me for a long time forget that I'm shy. That just leaves me though with my old group of friends.

I'm working on gettig over it so hopefully I can.

TY Jonman, yet again another bit of great insite thrown my way!
NinjaKitty
QUOTE
Jonman Posted on Apr 16 2003, 04:36 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUOTE (NinjaKitty @ Apr 16 2003, 04:35 PM)
Thanks Jonman!  I've got another one....

Dear Jonman,
Why does someone from an auto body repair place keep calling my cell phone and telling me my car is ready? I don't even own a car. How can I get them to leave me alone? 

Go and pick up the car.

Easy, and a bit of a bonus too. 


That sounds like a good idea. I could use a car. I wonder what kind it is... tongue.gif
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,

I'm about to start stealing posts out of this thread to put on the website.
Oh, and my question is...
Why is the sunlight out to get me?
MAtt
*pertends to be sunlight*

hi Alti im out to get yah! muhahaahahha

*turns back into Matt*

hi there!
MistressAlti
GAH! >runs away<
wolfbane
Dear Jonman,

Is it true that a nosiy noise annoys an oyster? If so does it have to be a particular type of noisy noise, or will anything do? Also, where is the best plave to find an oyster, and where are their ears. Also, is it cruel to want to annoy them?

Yours,
annoying oysters
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