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Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 16 2003, 05:04 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I'm about to start stealing posts out of this thread to put on the website.
Oh, and my question is...
Why is the sunlight out to get me?

Ooh, you cheeky monkey! As long as I gets credited as the author young lady.

It's not only sunlight that's out to get you. Pixies, evil gnomes, boogeymen and bum goblins are also out to get you. The sunlight's just going along with it to try and be cool.
Jonman
QUOTE (wolfbane @ Apr 16 2003, 05:12 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Is it true that a nosiy noise annoys an oyster? If so does it have to be a particular type of noisy noise, or will anything do? Also, where is the best plave to find an oyster, and where are their ears. Also, is it cruel to want to annoy them?

Yours,
annoying oysters

Dear Wolfy.

Oysters can actually be pretty tolerant of most noises. Should you really want to annoy an oyster, the noise that's guaranteed to pissoff the cunning molluscs is the noise of 4 trained meerkats performing Spice Girls songs in the style of a Barbershop quartet.

This is why you don't see many annoyed oysters, as meerkats don't like salt water. It matts their fur.

The best place to find some oysters is either a fish market, an oyster bar, or an online oyster dating agency.

Interestingly enough, oysters don't actually have ears, although mussels do have beards. Seriously, they do.

Yes, it is cuel to annoy them. Horribly, horribly cruel . The Royal Society For the Protection of Molluscs will probably press charges. If they found out that is. You'll have to be sneaky, innit?
Raven343
Dear Jonman,

Blah!

Sincerely,
Blah Blah Blah
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I hope to one day be as smart as you. Do you think this is a possibility?

Sincerely,
Can't even think of a witty name for this one
wolfbane
QUOTE
You'll have to be sneaky, innit?


Dear Jonman,

How can I be sneaky, innit? And is this different from regluar sneakiness?

yours,
the nice oyster annoyer
Jonman
QUOTE (wolfbane @ Apr 16 2003, 06:56 PM)
QUOTE
You'll have to be sneaky, innit?


Dear Jonman,

How can I be sneaky, innit? And is this different from regluar sneakiness?

yours,
the nice oyster annoyer

innit = isn't it.

S'a cockney laandaan fing innit?

Big up de saarf laandaan croo. Bo!



So, it's like regular sneakiness, but with jellied eels, cockles and tea in polystyrene cups.
Jonman
QUOTE (Raven343 @ Apr 16 2003, 06:43 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Blah!

Sincerely,
Blah Blah Blah

Ahhh, right.

It all falls into place now.

My life is complete.
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 16 2003, 06:44 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I hope to one day be as smart as you. Do you think this is a possibility?

Sincerely,
Can't even think of a witty name for this one

*looks down at self*

I'm quite scruffy at the moment, so probably yes. Actually, scruffy isn't the right word. Casual clobber's what I'm wearing. Got a cool T-shirt on with a silhouette of a plane on it, which is topical, seeing as I work with planes.

So, a nice frock, and a bit of slap, and yeah, you'll be loads smarter than me.
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 16 2003, 11:21 AM)
*looks down at self*

I'm quite scruffy at the moment, so probably yes. Actually, scruffy isn't the right word. Casual clobber's what I'm wearing. Got a cool T-shirt on with a silhouette of a plane on it, which is topical, seeing as I work with planes.

So, a nice frock, and a bit of slap, and yeah, you'll be loads smarter than me.

Wow didn't know that clothes made a person smart...........I'll have to find something other than t-shirts and jeans sometimes sweats to wear.
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman:
Other than sleeping with him, what's the best way to talk a professor into giving a person an A on an essay?
-Just wondering
LoLo
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 16 2003, 12:05 PM)
Dear Jonman:
Other than sleeping with him, what's the best way to talk a professor into giving a person an A on an essay?
-Just wondering

I know I'm not Jonman, but wearng a lowcut top and bending over worked for me a few times. biggrin.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 16 2003, 08:05 PM)
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 16 2003, 12:05 PM)
Dear Jonman:
Other than sleeping with him, what's the best way to talk a professor into giving a person an A on an essay?
-Just wondering

I know I'm not Jonman, but wearng a lowcut top and bending over worked for me a few times. biggrin.gif

Yeah, me too. Lowcut trousers too. Professors love a bit of bum cleavage.

Of course, there is the option of writing a half decent essay as well, but I get the feeling "that's not the advice you're looking for"
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I smell like paint.

Sincerely,
Sick of Painting
craziness
dear jonman,
today is a jewish holiday called passover. i am jewish, but i believe all religion is crap and god is dead. for this holiday, we are not supposed to eat levened bread. so i plan to walk into the room while they are telling the story eating a roll. (a roll is levened bread.) is this a bad idea? do i have opisitional defiance disorder?
love,
bread is damn yummy
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 16 2003, 10:34 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I smell like paint.

Sincerely,
Sick of Painting

Dear Lo

I smell of engines

Yours
Sick of Engineering.
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 16 2003, 10:36 PM)
dear jonman,
today is a jewish holiday called passover. i am jewish, but i believe all religion is crap and god is dead. for this holiday, we are not supposed to eat levened bread. so i plan to walk into the room while they are telling the story eating a roll. (a roll is levened bread.) is this a bad idea? do i have opisitional defiance disorder?
love,
bread is damn yummy

I would say that that is a bad idea, as it would no doubt offend everyone else in the room. Unless you've got a darned good justification for pissing them all off, in which case go right ahead.

I don't believe in the christian religion, but you don't see me wandering into churches wearing T-shirts that say "Jesus sucks".

Bread is quite tasty though. Especially when toasted and covered in tinned fish products. mmmm.

Dunno what opisitoinal defiance disorder is, so you may well have it for all I know. Can you get a cream for it?
Sir Psycho Sexy
..jonman, just an observation...are you a fish loving person by any chance??
Spacehappy
Dear jonman,

I opened my mouth and stuff came out ........wrong, and i think i mucked up bad .......i asked Lolo to marry me she said no so i asked crissi she was a potential yes .........until she found out i asked Lolo first. So then i opened my mouth some more and another load of stupid thing's .....words i think came out. Now their both pissed at me, and i can't get out of this hole ......oh and leo's takin the piss out of it (damn that e-pimp).


Your's can't shut his trap long enough.
craziness
dear jonman,
i am going to eat my roll anyway. i am obnoxious like that. hehehehehehehe. opositional defiance disorder-think about it. opossitional means you oppose things. defiance means you wont do what you are told. so someone with oppositional defiance disorder will go to extreme lengths to do the opposite of what they are told. thanks for the advice anyways. oh and with my mother, she is NOT a normal mother and i am not a normal teenager, so i guess i should just wait till i get the hell out of this house. oh well, thanks jonman!
LOVE,
bread eater
jicama
dear jonman

i'm almost out of laundry detergent. i need to do laundry, but i haven't a car to drive to the store with. i would walk, but i can't leave my puppy alone or she will kill the house. i can't take her with me 'cause dogs aren't allowed in stores and it's too cold out to leave her outside. what to i do?

signed- still in pajamas
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 16 2003, 11:02 PM)
..jonman, just an observation...are you a fish loving person by any chance??

*squints at SPS*

if you mean I like to eat denizens of the sea for me breakfast, lunch and dinner, then too right, our kid. Fish products kick ass. Speaking of which, I'm off out for sushi tonight. yum.
Jonman
QUOTE (Spacehappy @ Apr 16 2003, 11:03 PM)
Dear jonman,

I opened my mouth and stuff came out ........wrong, and i think i mucked up bad .......i asked Lolo to marry me she said no so i asked crissi she was a potential yes .........until she found out i asked Lolo first. So then i opened my mouth some more and another load of stupid thing's .....words i think came out. Now their both pissed at me, and i can't get out of this hole ......oh and leo's takin the piss out of it (damn that e-pimp).


Your's can't shut his trap long enough.

Chop your fingers off. It'll take you so blinkin long to type things out with your stumps and/or nose that you won't be bothered to propose to more than one person.

If that's a bit hardcore for you, fill boxing gloves with superglue and insert hands instead.
Sir Psycho Sexy
sushi is my favorite food...yo sushi counts as proper sushi right?? there's a shushi bar at paddington station...a guy came up to it once when i was eating and starting throwing the cans and (glass) bottles at the staff....quite close to me....i was holding my bag..in case i had to hit him with it....better than punching...oh then this big black dude came and knocked him out with one punch, it made me laugh....right after i had the most expensive pint of stella in the world...well 3...thats a lot
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 16 2003, 11:07 PM)
dear jonman,
i am going to eat my roll anyway. i am obnoxious like that. hehehehehehehe. opositional defiance disorder-think about it. opossitional means you oppose things. defiance means you wont do what you are told. so someone with oppositional defiance disorder will go to extreme lengths to do the opposite of what they are told. thanks for the advice anyways. oh and with my mother, she is NOT a normal mother and i am not a normal teenager, so i guess i should just wait till i get the hell out of this house. oh well, thanks jonman!
LOVE,
bread eater

anytime. good luck!
Jonman
QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 16 2003, 11:07 PM)
dear jonman

i'm almost out of laundry detergent. i need to do laundry, but i haven't a car to drive to the store with. i would walk, but i can't leave my puppy alone or she will kill the house. i can't take her with me 'cause dogs aren't allowed in stores and it's too cold out to leave her outside. what to i do?

signed- still in pajamas

ooooh, choices choices

1: wear already-worn clothes inside out. Only the inside get's dirty with old skin and all that. You can get double the wear out of every item this way
2 : Handwash them in shower gel or soap. Actually works, that one.
3 : phone a friend. bribe them to come round if needs be (food, booze and sex are always good bribes). get them to stop off at the store on the way and get you some detergent
4 : wear a pair of shades, and pretend the puppie's a guide dog in training, then you can take him into the store.
5: NAKEDNESS!

and I'm spent....
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 16 2003, 11:16 PM)
sushi is my favorite food...yo sushi counts as proper sushi right?? there's a shushi bar at paddington station...a guy came up to it once when i was eating and starting throwing the cans and (glass) bottles at the staff....quite close to me....i was holding my bag..in case i had to hit him with it....better than punching...oh then this big black dude came and knocked him out with one punch, it made me laugh....right after i had the most expensive pint of stella in the world...well 3...thats a lot

3 quid for a stella. Standard London prices that. I've paid 8 quid for a voddie red bull before. That stung. And a beer in Sweden's around 7 quid as a rule.

most expensive pint in the world indeed
*sniggers*

Sushi is indeed the daddy. I can get it freshly made in the japanese restaurant downstairs, and delievered to my door if I so choose. very cool.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

For the second time in 1 day I have taken a joke too far on here, and now I've upset my noob. I'm a bad adopter aren't I?

Sincerely,
Bad bad LoLo
Sir Psycho Sexy
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 16 2003, 11:23 PM)
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 16 2003, 11:16 PM)
sushi is my favorite food...yo sushi counts as proper sushi right?? there's a shushi bar at paddington station...a guy came up to it once when i was eating and starting throwing the cans and (glass) bottles at the staff....quite close to me....i was holding my bag..in case i had to hit him with it....better than punching...oh then this big black dude came and knocked him out with one punch, it made me laugh....right after i had the most expensive pint of stella in the world...well 3...thats a lot

3 quid for a stella. Standard London prices that. I've paid 8 quid for a voddie red bull before. That stung. And a beer in Sweden's around 7 quid as a rule.

most expensive pint in the world indeed
*sniggers*

Sushi is indeed the daddy. I can get it freshly made in the japanese restaurant downstairs, and delievered to my door if I so choose. very cool.

that settles it, seattle's definately the city for work experience
Jonman
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Apr 16 2003, 11:30 PM)
that settles it, seattle's definately the city for work experience

so I've been telling ya.

More sushi restaurants in seattle than tekka maki I can eat in one sitting.

If you get out here this year, look me up. We'll eat raw fish products and drink overpriced beer.
Sir Psycho Sexy
oooh no, i've got another two years before i can do that....god-dammit...but if you're still out there then definately will
Debaser
dear jonman,

i have this strange being at my house. he insists on coming up to me and pressing various buttons on my computer while i'm on irc. however much i would like to hurt him, his parents are also here. do you know any good methods of torturing him without leaving any semi-permanent damage?

yours,
desperate for revenge
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 16 2003, 11:25 PM)
Dear Jonman,

For the second time in 1 day I have taken a joke too far on here, and now I've upset my noob. I'm a bad adopter aren't I?

Sincerely,
Bad bad LoLo

Was it overflashing again?
NinjaKitty
Dear Jonman,
Why do I get sick during spring break? sad.gif
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,
How did the stereotype of "girls play with dolls" and "boys play with trucks" get started?
Love always,
the girl who steals your posts and puts them online here
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 16 2003, 05:02 PM)
Was it overflashing again?

Nah it was the whole proposal thingy with me space and crissi.
diceisdice
Dear Jonman,

How come I'm not doing real work?

Sincerely,
The Slacker Queen
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

is there any way to make a machine that combines the greatness of cheese... and the sugar rushes of chocolate?
NinjaKitty
I think my kitty did want to attack me because when I went near her she bit me sad.gif Now my hand is all red and swollen.
CovertYawn
Dear Jonman.

The other day while listening to a song (The Chase- Fingathing) I realised that the samples used were taken from the computer game "Grand Theft Auto 3" as the snog progressed I was able to identify every single sound sampled from the game, right down to the type of car. Is this wrong?

Yours.
Probably really sad.
Jonman
QUOTE (NinjaKitty @ Apr 17 2003, 01:10 AM)
Dear Jonman,
Why do I get sick during spring break? sad.gif

Partying too hard? Staying up late and not getting enough sleep means you get run down and catch nasty bugs.

Whenever I go on multi-day sessions, I make sure I've got eat lots of fresh fruit (usually for brekkie) to keep my vitamin levels up and bolster my immune system.
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 17 2003, 01:18 AM)
Dear Jonman,
How did the stereotype of "girls play with dolls" and "boys play with trucks" get started?
Love always,
the girl who steals your posts and puts them online here

Probably because it was a true stereotype up until the 70s, I'm reckoning. Not a very exciting answer, but most likely a true one.
Jonman
QUOTE (diceisdice @ Apr 17 2003, 02:19 AM)
Dear Jonman,

How come I'm not doing real work?

Sincerely,
The Slacker Queen

Dear Your Slacking Majesty,

Maybe because your a lazy-good-fer-nothing-layabout?

good on yer.
Jonman
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 17 2003, 02:22 AM)
dear jonman,

is there any way to make a machine that combines the greatness of cheese... and the sugar rushes of chocolate?

Dear cheese,

what a good question. However, the answer's been staring you in the face. You don't need a machine. Chocolate and cheese actually go together really really well already.

I suggest a tangy hard cheese (can't go wrong with a mature cheddar) and a dark bitter plain chocolate. Chuck a bit of each in your pie-hole at the same time, and enjoy a taste sensation that's simultaneously sweet and savoury. For a soft cheese (something like Camembert), you can go with a good quality milk chocolate. I've not experiemented with blue cheese and choccy yet - let me know if you find a suitable match.

One more thing. White chocolate is plainly wrong in the first place, but actually becomes an affront to all that is holy about cheese when eaten with said cheese. Avoid it.
Jonman
QUOTE (NinjaKitty @ Apr 17 2003, 02:28 AM)
I think my kitty did want to attack me because when I went near her she bit me sad.gif Now my hand is all red and swollen.

'Ninja' Kitty?

What did you expect? You didn't insult your kitty's teacher, or say that his techniques were weak, and that your style was better did you? From the kung-fu films I've seen, that's guaranteed to get you a ninja-butt-whipping.
Jonman
QUOTE (CovertYawn @ Apr 17 2003, 02:41 AM)
Dear Jonman.

The other day while listening to a song (The Chase- Fingathing) I realised that the samples used were taken from the computer game "Grand Theft Auto 3" as the snog progressed I was able to identify every single sound sampled from the game, right down to the type of car. Is this wrong?

Yours.
Probably really sad.

Dear probably

Not wrong at all.

We've all got have something we're good at. Unfortunately for you, the ability to place samples taken from videogames with pinpoint accuracy is about as much use as cling-film underpants. Not sad, just utterly utterly without real-world application.

Still, breaks the ice at parties.
MAtt
dear man of jon...

how come people don't post faster on the forums? I have the insatiable appitiet so talk (but not to spell). Also i left my ramen on so yah.
craziness
dear jonman,
my parents are going away for the weekend. even though i am jewish, we live in a christian society, so they give me cadbury eggs and stuff. what will i do without my cadbury eggs??!?!! who will give them to me when my parents are gone?!?!!??!


signed,
egg deprived
MAtt
QUOTE
dear jonman,
my parents are going away for the weekend. even though i am jewish, we live in a christian society, so they give me cadbury eggs and stuff. what will i do without my cadbury eggs??!?!! who will give them to me when my parents are gone?!?!!??!


signed,
egg deprived


Me not jonman but i have an idea.... go buy them yourself. They are so delicious that shelling out (get it? damn i love this white stuff) 69 cents an egg is worth it.
Jonman
Man like the Matt speaks the truth. Search down the back of the sofa for quarters if needs be.


Mmm, I like cream eggs too. I especially like the orange ones. Easter Eggs, Schmeaster eggs. Cream eggs are where it's at.
MAtt
Hey maybe it should be ask MAtt/jonamn? Just kinda like whoever answers first kinda thingy
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