Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Ask Jonman
The Other Side forums - suitable for mature readers! > The Other Side forums > Daily life
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14
NummyNums
dear jonman....
I am turning country.. i even wore a pld shirt tied up so it showed my belly.. and i listened to country this morning while doing the dishes.. how do i make it stop.... ???
sighned
that country boy of mine infected me
craziness
dear jonman,
me and my honey matt need to get married right now, las vegas style!!!!! who should be our preacher?
love,
crazi w00t
MAtt
QUOTE
dear jonman....
I am turning country.. i even wore a pld shirt tied up so it showed my belly.. and i listened to country this morning while doing the dishes.. how do i make it stop.... ???
sighned
that country boy of mine infected me


Dear that country boy infected me

Speaking from experience you are doing one of two things.
1.Trying to fit in so country boy likes you more or
2.You like country

I have a feeling its the latter and that is a little scary but you just have to go with it. There is nothing else you can do but be happy and listen to that little voice in your head
Jonman
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 17 2003, 07:36 PM)
dear jonman....
I am turning country.. i even wore a pld shirt tied up so it showed my belly.. and i listened to country this morning while doing the dishes.. how do i make it stop.... ???
sighned
that country boy of mine infected me

Dear Nummy,

There's simply no excuse. I don't care if this boy looks like Brad Pitt with the voice of George Clooney and the wit of Eddie Izzard. No excuse. Whatsoever.

Stop it at once.
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 17 2003, 07:38 PM)
dear jonman,
me and my honey matt need to get married right now, las vegas style!!!!! who should be our preacher?
love,
crazi w00t

If I'd been around - I'd have done it. I'm eminently qualified - look

www.jonman.co.uk

that's an Elvis I saw in Vegas.

Still, congratulations you crazi kids.
MAtt
Dear Jonman

Did you like how I answered that letter and would you mind if i did it again?

from MAtt (aka the guy who writes in white and who wants to be your partner)
Jonman
QUOTE (MAtt @ Apr 17 2003, 07:59 PM)
Dear Jonman

Did you like how I answered that letter and would you mind if i did it again?

from MAtt (aka the guy who writes in white and who wants to be your partner)

Matt,

Your style was OK, I just disagree with the content. Just like biting the ears off live donkeys, there's NEVER an excuse for that kind of behaviour.

Other than that, please feel free to answer folks questions. I have no monopoly on agony uncling. Just be aware of the awesome moral and ethical responsibility you have on the odd occasion that someone posts with a real problem.
For the less serious issues, aim for the right mix of obscurity, sideways logic, and a comic turn of phrase.

g'luck pardner.
NummyNums
dear jonman,
I knwo its bad but how do i stop * starts to put on cowboy boots*
aaaaah
sighned omg the country is eating me alive
MAtt
Oh the love i feel right now. But the love is nowhere near the love i feel for crazi. That is all i have to say no it isn'tyes it is
MAtt
you can take it Jon really i don't like country either shiver
craziness
QUOTE (MAtt @ Apr 17 2003, 04:13 PM)
Oh the love i feel right now. But the love is nowhere near the love i feel for crazi. That is all i have to say no it isn'tyes it is

awww wub.gif
Jonman
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 17 2003, 08:12 PM)
dear jonman,
I knwo its bad but how do i stop * starts to put on cowboy boots*
aaaaah
sighned omg the country is eating me alive

Dear Nummy,

Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. You're standing at the top of the slippery slidey country slope, and at the bottom is big hair, small skirts, too much makeup, line-dancing and a boyfriend called Duane who wears white vests, has a mullet and lives in a swamp.

Is that who you want to be? I don't think it is.

Now take the boots off, and back away slowly.
MAtt
blush *trip* blush *ow*
Jonman
QUOTE (MAtt @ Apr 17 2003, 08:14 PM)
you can take it Jon really i don't like country either shiver

ooh, you. I bet you say that to all the boys.
MAtt
QUOTE
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 17 2003, 08:12 PM)
dear jonman,
I knwo its bad but how do i stop * starts to put on cowboy boots*
aaaaah
sighned omg the country is eating me alive 

Dear Nummy,

Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. You're standing at the top of the slippery slidey country slope, and at the bottom is big hair, small skirts, too much makeup, line-dancing and a boyfriend called Duane who wears white vests, has a mullet and lives in a swamp.

Is that who you want to be? I don't think it is.

Now take the boots off, and back away slowly.



Or you could change him, his name, and his haircut.
craziness
i dont have a problem with country i say go for it nummy
awww MAtt stop tripping am i making you trip?
Jonman
QUOTE (MAtt @ Apr 17 2003, 08:19 PM)
Or you could change him, his name, and his haircut.

But.....



line-dancing?????



"take your pardner by the hand......"



*shudder*
MAtt
no just the kiss screws up my equalibrium... you know like in the movies *trip* ok that time it was me
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

My sister has a problem. She is wearing a shirt that proclaims that she is a dork.

What should do?

Sincerely,
Confusled
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 17 2003, 08:25 PM)
Dear Jonman,

My sister has a problem. She is wearing a shirt that proclaims that she is a dork.

What should do?

Sincerely,
Confusled

Dear Confusled

Fortunately, my previous job as Bill Gates' personal shopper eminently qualifies me to answer this question. Dork fashion was my life.

On the one hand, your sister is perfectly at liberty to wear whatever she likes, but on the other hand, it's your moral duty as an upstanding sibling to protect her from making an utter twazzock of herself in public.

When you say the shirt proclaims her as a dork, do you mean literally, as in it has "I'M A DORK " emblazoned across her boobs, or that it's just a very poor piece of clothing. If the former is the case, then you need take no action. This post-modern statement of dorkishness is elementarily contradictory, since the advent of geek-chic took hold thanks to Sony and the Playstation generation. I should know. I've got a T-shirt with "talk nerdy to me" written across my hairy man-boobs, and believe it or not, loads of folk (girls and boys) have complimented me on it. Usually in a nerdy way. Using acronyms. Hmm.

However, if the article in question simply makes her look like an ass for wearing it, the only recourse is to wrestle her to the ground and tickle her feet until she swears never to wear it again.

Hope that helps
craziness
dear jonman,
i have an adorable husband and we love eachother very much. we are happy go lucky, except for one thing. whenever i kiss him, he blushes and trips. what should i do?
love,
in lovew00t
NummyNums
*puts on cowboy hat* not working.. to built.. sooo fine...
Jonman
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 17 2003, 08:40 PM)
dear jonman,
i have an adorable husband and we love eachother very much. we are happy go lucky, except for one thing. whenever i kiss him, he blushes and trips. what should i do?
love,
in lovew00t

Dear crazi,

Glue his feet to the floor.
Sometimes, the simple solutions are the best.
LoLo
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 17 2003, 12:39 PM)
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 17 2003, 08:25 PM)
Dear Jonman,

My sister has a problem.  She is wearing a shirt that proclaims that she is a dork.

What should do?

Sincerely,
Confusled

Dear Confusled

Fortunately, my previous job as Bill Gates' personal shopper eminently qualifies me to answer this question. Dork fashion was my life.

On the one hand, your sister is perfectly at liberty to wear whatever she likes, but on the other hand, it's your moral duty as an upstanding sibling to protect her from making an utter twazzock of herself in public.

When you say the shirt proclaims her as a dork, do you mean literally, as in it has "I'M A DORK " emblazoned across her boobs, or that it's just a very poor piece of clothing. If the former is the case, then you need take no action. This post-modern statement of dorkishness is elementarily contradictory, since the advent of geek-chic took hold thanks to Sony and the Playstation generation. I should know. I've got a T-shirt with "talk nerdy to me" written across my hairy man-boobs, and believe it or not, loads of folk (girls and boys) have complimented me on it. Usually in a nerdy way. Using acronyms. Hmm.

However, if the article in question simply makes her look like an ass for wearing it, the only recourse is to wrestle her to the ground and tickle her feet until she swears never to wear it again.

Hope that helps

It's a black shirt with the word DORK painted across her boobs in white, she made it herself.

Now if you're wondering, her boobs aren't as nice as mine cause gravity has taken more of a hold of them seeing as she is 4 years older than I.

Just a side note, and now she's going to hit me across the head so I must go.
Jonman
QUOTE (NummyNums @ Apr 17 2003, 08:40 PM)
*puts on cowboy hat* not working.. to built.. sooo fine...

Agent Nummy,

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take buff country boy, and turn him from the dark side of country. Then, and only then, can you seek eternal solace in his arms

This post will self destruct in 8 billion seconds.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

What should I do with my bratty little sister that says my boobs aren't as nice as hers. She's never seen my boobs so how would she know? That would just be gross.

Side Note: I don't actually hit my sister.

Sincerely,
LoLo's annoying older sister

from lolo: ouch stop hitting me
MAtt
Ok i have a thought but first how old is your sister?
craziness
dear jonman,
thanks for the great advice! now that MAtt is glued to the ground, he will never move unless i want him to again! ahhhhhhh control laugh.gif and i cannot stop kissing him either
/me kisses MAtt
LoLo
QUOTE (MAtt @ Apr 17 2003, 12:49 PM)
Ok i have a thought but first how old is your sister?

28
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 17 2003, 08:42 PM)
Sincerely,It's a black shirt with the word DORK painted across her boobs in white, she made it herself.

Now if you're wondering, her boobs aren't as nice as mine cause gravity has taken more of a hold of them seeing as she is 4 years older than I.

Just a side note, and now she's going to hit me across the head so I must go.

As I said then, not a problem. Geek is chic, Nerd is no longer absurd, and Dork is..... is......is......um.......oh sod it.

And anyway, boobs are like pizza. Doesn't matter the type or size - they're all good.

Hope your head's OK.
MAtt
blush *trips but can't fall cuz of glue* yah it worked *trys to kiss back but can't move to crazi cuz of glue* blush
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 17 2003, 08:47 PM)
Dear Jonman,

What should I do with my bratty little sister that says my boobs aren't as nice as hers. She's never seen my boobs so how would she know? That would just be gross.

Side Note: I don't actually hit my sister.

Sincerely,
LoLo's annoying older sister

from lolo: ouch stop hitting me

Dear Lolo's sister,

see my reply to Lolo re: boobs being good.

The only option is to have a boob-off. Stand side by side in front of a big mirror, bare-boobed and have an objective judging. Independant judges would be better. I hereby volunteer. Post photos online, send me links and I'll judge impartially, proffessionally, and expertly. It's the least I can do.
MAtt
dear LoLo

both you and your sister will flash and intermediat and the he shall tell which set of breasts are better. yours LoLo
MAtt
See jon we do think alike. shiver
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

She doesn't want to flash you.

**flashes**

Sincerely
LoLo
MAtt
Will she flash Matt? I mean me... stupid third person
craziness
i dunno about her but i will
*flashes MAtt*
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 17 2003, 08:57 PM)
Dear Jonman,

She doesn't want to flash you.

**flashes**

Sincerely
LoLo

In which case, you win by default.

Right, I really must nick off and do some work now.
MAtt
WOOOHOOOO flashes back although my flash was not as pretty as yours
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

My mom and sister are bugging me to leave my computer and go help then with the prep work for painting the living room.

What should I do?

Sincerely,
Feeling Lazy Today
Jonman
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 17 2003, 09:53 PM)
Dear Jonman,

My mom and sister are bugging me to leave my computer and go help then with the prep work for painting the living room.

What should I do?

Sincerely,
Feeling Lazy Today

Claim that the internet will get lonely if you leave it alone, and it will probably cry.
cheese is funny
dear jonman... and any of the ladies that wish to help me out here.. or anyone really...

what is the best way to ask someone out? im tired of being alone in life...

(problems i have) i have almost no back bone... and i have a small problem with sounding like an ass when i dont think out what im going to say before i say it...
CrissiLove
I have a friend on my messenger who says he is bored to death and that he won't leave me alone until he is not bored any longer... I do not want to be mean to him though... what would you suggest I tell him?

Needs Help for My Bored Friend
racingaway13
dear jonman,
i am a constant computer user, and i have the bad luck of not having windows 2000 professional on all of my computers or of having MACs, i do have windows ME (the suckiest operiating system ever concieved) and one of any free versions of linux (free, stable, but not compatable with everything ever made), this is all made worse when i have the problem of my regular computer (not the one i am using now, which is a laptop i stole from my dad who didnt use it much) is killing me because it has ME on it now but the operating system has been horriably destroyed by viruses that i finally did get rid of. so now i have to get a new operating system, do i
A. re-install ME, which would allow me to play all the games that i rarely play and allow me to get office XP which would make things a lot easier when it comes to school work, but it would run slower and be really bitchy and evil to me
or
B. install linux which meets all my day to day needs except that of game playing which i dont do alot of, and that of using office XP which is fairly often and isnt really that nessicary, and get all the added stability of linux and the happiness of knowing that i stole a good 400 dollars out of bill gates' pocket
oh jonman, what do i do?
Jonman
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 18 2003, 01:51 AM)
dear jonman... and any of the ladies that wish to help me out here.. or anyone really...

what is the best way to ask someone out? im tired of being alone in life...

(problems i have) i have almost no back bone... and i have a small problem with sounding like an ass when i dont think out what im going to say before i say it...



Obviously, there's a few options. Unfortunately, all require backbone to work properly

1 : the direct approach. I like this one a lot, and it seems to work. Approach your paramour of choice. If you don't already know each other, try something like this: "Hi there, sorry to interrupt, but I had to come over and talk to you. Sorry, bit rude of me: I'm Cheeseisfunny. Here's the thing, I think you're absolutely stunning, and I'd love to take you out to dinner/to the cinema/for a drink sometime. How about it?" If you do know each other, modify it slightly to something like " Hi <insert name here>, look, here's the thing, I've liked you for ages, and I'd love to take you out for <whatever> sometime. Whaddyasay?

2: One of my mates swears by a technique he calls CIQ. Compliment Introduction Question. You'll notice that that's pretty much what I did in 1, but CIQ is a more subtle technique that allows you to put yourself in a good light, and gives you a bit of time to gauge the reaction before moving in for the kill. A class example is "Wow, cool T-shirt/shoes/dress/hairdo/makeup. I'm Cheese - whats your name and where you from?" gets the ball rolling and puts them off their guard, especially if you compliment something a little out of the ordinary - shoes is a great one, as fella don't normally notice a lass' shoes.

As a side note, finishing your opening line on a question is a must, as it gives to time to marshall your thoughts.

3: the cheesy one liner. Got to be careful with this one - I'm sure the forum ladies could suggest a few of the not so ridiculous ones. The most important thing with the cheesy one liner is to be funny without being vulgar. I'm a fan of: "oh my, did the you see the news about the fat penguin?" *pause for them to say no* "It broke the ice. I'm cheese, what's your name?" Once again, puts them off guard, it's silly-funny, and ends in a question. All good things.

For further reading, I refer you to the reply I made to wolfbane - big long one it is - you can't miss it. It's somewhere around page 6 of this thread. I go on about self-confidence, and how to achieve it.

Good luck fella, and the most important thing is not to give up if you get a knockback. Laugh it off, and move onto the next lucky girl.
Jonman
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Apr 18 2003, 02:02 AM)
I have a friend on my messenger who says he is bored to death and that he won't leave me alone until he is not bored any longer... I do not want to be mean to him though... what would you suggest I tell him?

Needs Help for My Bored Friend

Tell him to take up juggling. That'll keep him busy for a while at least. Either that, or send him the following entertaining URLs

http://www.miniclip.com

http://puccaclub.com/pucca_eng/

http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/

http://www.fabrica.it/gallery/interactive/item13.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/

That should keep him busy for a while.
craziness
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 17 2003, 09:51 PM)
dear jonman... and any of the ladies that wish to help me out here.. or anyone really...

what is the best way to ask someone out? im tired of being alone in life...

(problems i have) i have almost no back bone... and i have a small problem with sounding like an ass when i dont think out what im going to say before i say it...

dear cheese [jon]
i am only answering this because you said girls could. and i am a girl. so tongue.gif . anyways.
ask the girl out!!!!!! if she says no, she isnt worth your time! and if she says yes, then you have great things to come!
Jonman
QUOTE (racingaway13 @ Apr 18 2003, 02:24 AM)
dear jonman,
i am a constant computer user, and i have the bad luck of not having windows 2000 professional on all of my computers or of having MACs, i do have windows ME (the suckiest operiating system ever concieved) and one of any free versions of linux (free, stable, but not compatable with everything ever made), this is all made worse when i have the problem of my regular computer (not the one i am using now, which is a laptop i stole from my dad who didnt use it much) is killing me because it has ME on it now but the operating system has been horriably destroyed by viruses that i finally did get rid of. so now i have to get a new operating system, do i
A. re-install ME, which would allow me to play all the games that i rarely play and allow me to get office XP which would make things a lot easier when it comes to school work, but it would run slower and be really bitchy and evil to me
or
B. install linux which meets all my day to day needs except that of game playing which i dont do alot of, and that of using office XP which is fairly often and isnt really that nessicary, and get all the added stability of linux and the happiness of knowing that i stole a good 400 dollars out of bill gates' pocket
oh jonman, what do i do?

Blimey. Bit technical that innit?

Which will piss you off more - not being able to play the games, or having to deal with all the fun of windows dying lots?

Do the other one then. Quite simple


The other option is to get XP, which I've been using for the last 6 months, and has crashed only once in all that time. I've been really rather impressed with it considering it bears the micro$oft name.
CrissiLove
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 17 2003, 09:08 PM)
Tell him to take up juggling. That'll keep him busy for a while at least. Either that, or send him the following entertaining URLs

http://www.miniclip.com

http://puccaclub.com/pucca_eng/

http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/

http://www.fabrica.it/gallery/interactive/item13.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/

That should keep him busy for a while.

Thank you smile.gif I just copy and pasted it for him smile.gif hehe
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,
How can I force myself into resisting the temptation of slacking off this weekend, as I have three tests next week but haven't yet found a way to make myself care?
Thanks,
I have not yet begun to procrastinate
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.