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Jaq
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 18 2003, 03:01 AM)
3: the cheesy one liner. Got to be careful with this one - I'm sure the forum ladies could suggest a few of the not so ridiculous ones. The most important thing with the cheesy one liner is to be funny without being vulgar.

Personally, I think one liners are silly and funny. Here's a few that I think are cute. I wouldn't recommend using most of them though. Jonman's is probably better.

"I'm friendly and slow moving! "

"Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going."

Okay, that one's really long and you wouldn't want to use it as a one liner, but it's still funny.

"I lost my phone number, can I have yours?"

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself

and my favourite (cause I'm an English major geek)
You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me! laugh.gif
MistressAlti
QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 17 2003, 11:05 PM)
Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

ROTFL laugh.gif
phoenix
speaking from a girls view, mostly my own, i love it when guys usethe cheap ine liners! they make me laugh and if you can do that straight off i'd give you a chance. but thats my view.
phoenix
i have to say my personal fav is

"i love that dress. it would look even better on my floor"

i mean come on how is that not funny!
Jaq
"You must be Jamaican, Cause Jamaican me crazy. " Okay. *that* was funny. hee hee
Jonman
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 18 2003, 03:41 AM)
Dear Jonman,
How can I force myself into resisting the temptation of slacking off this weekend, as I have three tests next week but haven't yet found a way to make myself care?
Thanks,
I have not yet begun to procrastinate

Dear Missy,

One good way would be to throw your monitor out of the window. Messing about on the interweb becomes a lot less fun if you can't see what you're doing.

In all seriousness, that's a stupid idea, but one with a good thought behind it. Give the power lead and/or network cable to your computer to a trusted friend to keep safe over the weekend. Likewise for the TV, and disable any other time wasting kit you've got.

That won't necessarily make you care about the test, but it will make avoiding studying not quite so easy.

And good luck in the tests....

Jonman.
phoenix
another good thing to do is get out of your space. there is less distractions, and you'll be able to concentrait easier.
phoenix
at least it works for me. if i'm in my room i either get the urge to clean *arrgh* or the phone rings, ect....

the best thing is to go to a clean quite place, listen to mozart, and be slighty comfty.
cheese is funny
i read the post you made about the confidence... i have no problem with doing things in public and not being embarresed... i only lose my back bone when im about to ask her... thats something i need to work on...

i like suggestion 1... that seems like it would work the best... imo at least...

but suggestion 2 would work the best for me i think, as im usually good at noticing things, which would make for a good opener... (like the shoes, but maybe a little more harder to notice, or more surprising in a good way)

suggestion 3 wouldnt work for me... no reason... just making girls laugh in RL isnt always my strong point...

thanks for the help jonman... i will do alot of thinking and hopefully, ill have a girl i can make feel special sometime before i graduate from high school... well... heres hoping smile.gif
MistressAlti
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 17 2003, 11:32 PM)
One good way would be to throw your monitor out of the window. Messing about on the interweb becomes a lot less fun if you can't see what you're doing.

LMAO. I might do that. Don't tempt me.
>desperately wants to see POS monitor fall and split upon concrete<
CrissiLove
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 18 2003, 02:31 AM)
thanks for the help jonman... i will do alot of thinking and hopefully, ill have a girl i can make feel special sometime before i graduate from high school... well... heres hoping smile.gif

aawww, cheese, any girl would be lucky to have somebody like you! Good luck!!! *BigHug*
Industrial Kybosh
QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Apr 18 2003, 03:23 PM)
LMAO. I might do that. Don't tempt me.
>desperately wants to see POS monitor fall and split upon concrete<

O_O

Hmm... I've never seen this destructive streak in you...

I like it... rrrrawrrrrr... wink.gif


----------------------------


Dearest Monjan,

I have been hearing many good things about monkey butlers recently. I would much like to purchase some simian attendants, but fear that I will not be able to afford the asking price. Are there any other animals that would be as good, or perhaps even better, but certainly cheaper than our distant
tree-swinging cousins?

Yours arousingly,

Tired Of Having To Get Up For Beer.

PS, I have already tried numerous marsupials, but had to dismiss them for sneaking bags of crisps and Custard Creams away from my house in their pouches. Little blighters...
Jonman
QUOTE (Industrial Kybosh @ Apr 18 2003, 04:30 PM)
Dearest Monjan,

I have been hearing many good things about monkey butlers recently. I would much like to purchase some simian attendants, but fear that I will not be able to afford the asking price. Are there any other animals that would be as good, or perhaps even better, but certainly cheaper than our distant
tree-swinging cousins?

Yours arousingly,

Tired Of Having To Get Up For Beer.

PS, I have already tried numerous marsupials, but had to dismiss them for sneaking bags of crisps and Custard Creams away from my house in their pouches. Little blighters...

Dear Inky.

Well, well meladdo. We've all been there. Made that mistake meself, and still bear the scars today. The wallaby butler nicked the silver cutlery, the kangaroo butler theifed me PS2 (little bugger took me memory card as well, had to start all me games from scratch). And as for the possum butler? Suffice to say that my modest collection of gentlemen's magazines were never quite the same again.

Monkey butlers are indeed efficient, polite and make great butlers. Most of the time. Aside from the asking price, the only other difficulty is the banana issue. Like an elephant addicted to smack, monkeys are great as long as their habit is kept topped up. Allow the banana supply to dwindle away to nothing, and god help you. I used to have a friend, who's now playing with the choir invisibule (rest his soul) due to him forgetting to buy bananas down at Asda two weeks running. They had to identify him by the teeth marks left in the toilet bowl. Not pretty. That monkey's still at large too. Watch out for a crazed simian wearing top hat and tails if you're around the Cleethorpes area.

So, no I don't recommend a monkey butler. For a more modest sum, and without the associated risk, I would recommend an otter butler. Suprisingly, they make great butlers. My judgement is perhaps coloured slightly by my love of seafood, as (I'm sure we're all aware), otters are fantastic sushi chefs. Alternatives are meerkat butlers (several of them - they work in teams), a penguin butler (no need to invest in uniforms), or a bear butler (if you've got a big house).

Good luck with your butlering.
Free Psycho
Dear Uncle Jonman,

I have this problem with my stomach making weird noises that sound...bad and everyone stares at me and laughs, but I swear it's uncontrolable!!! Why is this happening to me???

Love,
Freak
Jonman
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 18 2003, 06:03 PM)
Dear Uncle Jonman,

I have this problem with my stomach making weird noises that sound...bad and everyone stares at me and laughs, but I swear it's uncontrolable!!! Why is this happening to me???

Love,
Freak

Dear Free(k)

I sometimes suffer from the same problem. I find eating something that's not too rich sometimes helps, as does going to the toilet (to relieve the pressure, without going into too much detail).

And drink lots of water. Or tea if it's available. Can't argue with tea - good for all your ills.
Free Psycho
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 18 2003, 01:07 PM)
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 18 2003, 06:03 PM)
Dear Uncle Jonman,

I have this problem with my stomach making weird noises that sound...bad and everyone stares at me and laughs, but I swear it's uncontrolable!!!  Why is this happening to me???

Love,
Freak

Dear Free(k)

I sometimes suffer from the same problem. I find eating something that's not too rich sometimes helps, as does going to the toilet (to relieve the pressure, without going into too much detail).

And drink lots of water. Or tea if it's available. Can't argue with tea - good for all your ills.

<hugs uncle to suffication> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! <stops> Does recesses peanut butter cups count as something rich? Just curious. It's not like I'm eating them right now as I type. Nope, nothing like that...
Jonman
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 18 2003, 06:10 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 18 2003, 01:07 PM)
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 18 2003, 06:03 PM)
Dear Uncle Jonman,

I have this problem with my stomach making weird noises that sound...bad and everyone stares at me and laughs, but I swear it's uncontrolable!!! Why is this happening to me???

Love,
Freak

Dear Free(k)

I sometimes suffer from the same problem. I find eating something that's not too rich sometimes helps, as does going to the toilet (to relieve the pressure, without going into too much detail).

And drink lots of water. Or tea if it's available. Can't argue with tea - good for all your ills.

<hugs uncle to suffication> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! <stops> Does recesses peanut butter cups count as something rich? Just curious. It's not like I'm eating them right now as I type. Nope, nothing like that...

yeah, very very rich.

go for something savoury, basic carbohydrates. low fat, low protein = easy to digest. Toast for instance.

*gets toast craving*
Free Psycho
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 18 2003, 01:17 PM)
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 18 2003, 06:10 PM)
QUOTE (Jonman @ Apr 18 2003, 01:07 PM)
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 18 2003, 06:03 PM)
Dear Uncle Jonman,

I have this problem with my stomach making weird noises that sound...bad and everyone stares at me and laughs, but I swear it's uncontrolable!!! Why is this happening to me???

Love,
Freak

Dear Free(k)

I sometimes suffer from the same problem. I find eating something that's not too rich sometimes helps, as does going to the toilet (to relieve the pressure, without going into too much detail).

And drink lots of water. Or tea if it's available. Can't argue with tea - good for all your ills.

<hugs uncle to suffication> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! <stops> Does recesses peanut butter cups count as something rich? Just curious. It's not like I'm eating them right now as I type. Nope, nothing like that...

yeah, very very rich.

go for something savoury, basic carbohydrates. low fat, low protein = easy to digest. Toast for instance.

*gets toast craving*

<wonders if jonman has munchies>

Ya know what's weird? You tell me to drink tea and I come home and my grandmother got me a tea cup for easter. How freaky is that on a coincedincial level?
Jonman
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 19 2003, 02:03 AM)
[<wonders if jonman has munchies>

Ya know what's weird? You tell me to drink tea and I come home and my grandmother got me a tea cup for easter. How freaky is that on a coincedincial level?

Your grandmother is obviously a very very wise woman and should be congratulated on her wonderfulness.

jonman didn't have munchies, he just likes toast, as is rightly so.
cheese is funny
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Apr 18 2003, 04:07 PM)
aawww, cheese, any girl would be lucky to have somebody like you! Good luck!!! *BigHug*

your too sweet...
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,

prezqfish is spamming the board, what do I do?
Jonman
Ignore the silly fish. Replying to him will just encourage him. He'll get bored once he gets no.1 poster spot, and go to bed.
Jaq
Dear Jonman

I am visiting my parents over the Easter weekend. I arrived at 11:30 it's now 7:30 and I only saw them at supper. Somehow my dad managed to be really aggravating in the two hours that I have seen my parents. I doubt that it will be the last time this weekend either. My question is this; if I am tired of them after one evening what am I going to do when I have to live with them for four monthes during the summer? Please help, I may go mad.

Sincerely
Regretting visiting Parents
Free Psycho
Dear Uncle Jonman,

How do you figure that guys are more dramatic than girls? <not thinking of anyone on this board. Nope. No way> And why must Toys R Us make such creepy commericals??!! <twitches>

Love,
The One Who Smited the Easter Bunny
jicama
dear jonman

it's almost easter: the chocolate holiday. here in canada, we suffer from the same problem as in the states- the majority of the public actually *prefer* crappy milk chocolate to tasty dark chocolate. therefore it is exceedingly difficult to find dark chocolate mixed with anything but almonds. almonds are all well and good, but i want a bit of variety! hazelnuts, raspberries, wafers- anything! i've tried doing it myself, but such experiments have always resulted in mess, burning, and sadly wasted chocolate. and moving to europe is currently not an option as it requires large amounts of money. what do i do?!

wants good chocolate
MistressAlti
Dear Jonman,
Why do I remind Psycho of someone who might be dead?
diceisdice
Dear Jonman:

I wrote you earlier about not doing my work and you answered rightly that I'm a goodfornothinglazeabout. Well, I got one paper in and I have one left to do. I'm still not working and now my paper is late so I'll lose 2/3 of a mark before I can hand it in. My question is, how much do you think I'll have to pay the board to have everyone help me write some crap so I can play video games?

with fondest best wishes,
Still the Reigning Slacker Queen
jicama
QUOTE (diceisdice @ Apr 19 2003, 03:50 AM)
Dear Jonman:

I wrote you earlier about not doing my work and you answered rightly that I'm a goodfornothinglazeabout. Well, I got one paper in and I have one left to do. I'm still not working and now my paper is late so I'll lose 2/3 of a mark before I can hand it in. My question is, how much do you think I'll have to pay the board to have everyone help me write some crap so I can play video games?

with fondest best wishes,
Still the Reigning Slacker Queen

10 bucks is 10 bucks... biggrin.gif
diceisdice
QUOTE
10 bucks is 10 bucks...


I'm a student. I don't *have* ten bucks. If I did, I'd spend it on coffee or beer.
jicama
QUOTE (diceisdice @ Apr 19 2003, 03:54 AM)
QUOTE
10 bucks is 10 bucks...


I'm a student. I don't *have* ten bucks. If I did, I'd spend it on coffee or beer.

good point.
MistressAlti
Damn. I wish I had 10 bucks. I'd wander down to Starbucks...
Hyperion
Have my babies, Jon.
LoLo
Dear Jonman,

I just found out I didn't get the job I interviewed for, I only have 3 weeks left of unemployment and need a job. Will you hire me? lol

Sincerely,
Gonna have to declare bankruptcy soon
TigerLily013
Dear Jonman,

Damnit! you took my boyfriend's nickname lol

But anyway, I want to know how to deal with a friend how seems to blow me off when she wants to do stuff with me. Last thing she did was she invited me to go the mall with her and said she'd pick me up at 7 so i wait and 7 o clock passes....no sign of her. i call her on her cell and she says she went to a friend's place and already went to the mall earlier, in turn blowing me off....and apolgizing anfd\d brushed it off like no big deal. She's been doing this quite a bit, what should I do?

Sincerely,
Someone whos gonna kick some ass soon wink.gif
diceisdice
well, I'm not The Jonman, but I think you should stop trusting her. Don't make concrete plans - tell her she can meet you or you and some friends or whatever somewhere, but don't hang around with her. she's proved she doesn't care enough. if she wants to hang out with you, she'll move her butt. just mho.
racingaway13
dear jonman

is it healthy to stay up till 3 am whenever possiable, and then not wake till 3 pm the next day? is it really that unhealthy? my mom tends to get angry when i do it but im not hurting anyone, and also, on school nights, i only normally get 7 hours of sleep since i stay up till about 1 am, is that unhealthy too? im not sure about my sleeping all i know is that its all my parents fault (they do it, but not to my extreme anymore)

sincerely
*twitch* raa *twitch* ciinnnggggg *twitch*
MAtt
QUOTE (TigerLily013 @ Apr 18 2003, 09:11 PM)
Dear Jonman,

Damnit! you took my boyfriend's nickname lol

But anyway, I want to know how to deal with a friend how seems to blow me off when she wants to do stuff with me. Last thing she did was she invited me to go the mall with her and said she'd pick me up at 7 so i wait and 7 o clock passes....no sign of her. i call her on her cell and she says she went to a friend's place and already went to the mall earlier, in turn blowing me off....and apolgizing anfd\d brushed it off like no big deal. She's been doing this quite a bit, what should I do?

Sincerely,
Someone whos gonna kick some ass soon wink.gif

Dear Someone whos gonna kick some ass soon wink.gif

There are obvioasly some problems with your friend. Some people just don't seem to get the fact that they are hurting people (you). I recomend a talk and then some ass kicking.


note to dice: if you are gonna steal the questions at least do it in the correct format Love MAtt
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

is there any way to make someone get drunk off water? some sort of magic or machine or something that will make that happen?
MAtt
QUOTE (racingaway13 @ Apr 18 2003, 11:18 PM)
dear jonman

is it healthy to stay up till 3 am whenever possiable, and then not wake till 3 pm the next day? is it really that unhealthy? my mom tends to get angry when i do it but im not hurting anyone, and also, on school nights, i only normally get 7 hours of sleep since i stay up till about 1 am, is that unhealthy too? im not sure about my sleeping all i know is that its all my parents fault (they do it, but not to my extreme anymore)

sincerely
*twitch* raa *twitch* ciinnnggggg *twitch*

Dear *twitch* raa *twitch* ciinnnggggg *twitch*

First off you have to get your twitch fixed, or you might end up like me. It seems ok to me to be screwing with your sleep patterns. On a normal day I function on 6.5 hours of sleep. Go forth and sleep to your hearts content.
MAtt
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 18 2003, 11:22 PM)
dear jonman,

is there any way to make someone get drunk off water? some sort of magic or machine or something that will make that happen?

Dear Cheese

Tell um its beer. Sometiimes the brain is stronger than fake beer.
phoenix
really if i get more then 5 hours i'm tired. i have to get at least 2 but no more then 5 or i can't function properly. insomia is a b**** awww i can't stop the **** thing!!
MAtt
QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 18 2003, 09:03 PM)
Dear Jonman,

I just found out I didn't get the job I interviewed for, I only have 3 weeks left of unemployment and need a job.  Will you hire me? lol

Sincerely,
Gonna have to declare bankruptcy soon

Dear Gonna have to declare bankruptcy soon

I would but im in highschool. What was the last job you went for, have you thought of a career change? How did the boob contest go? Meanwhile a crappy job will suffice until you get a better one.
diceisdice
QUOTE (MAtt @ Apr 19 2003, 06:20 AM)
note to dice: if you are gonna steal the questions at least do it in the correct format Love MAtt

Dear MAtt:

Yeah, I just figured that out. Please rest assured I am crying about it now (note: this is a lie) and I will follow the conventions in future.

love,
Dice
cheese is funny
dear jonman,

why is everyone hi-jacking your questions? its nice that they are willing to give their opinions and all... do you think they are trying to be you? do you think they are going to kill you and wear your skin and pretend to be you? <runs away aimlessly screaming>
diceisdice
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 19 2003, 06:26 AM)
dear jonman,

why is everyone hi-jacking your questions? its nice that they are willing to give their opinions and all... do you think they are trying to be you? do you think they are going to kill you and wear your skin and pretend to be you? <runs away aimlessly screaming>

~takes off Jonman's flayed face~

What?

j/k sorry for the sick joke... I've seen silence of the lambs too often...
MAtt
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 18 2003, 11:26 PM)
dear jonman,

why is everyone hi-jacking your questions? its nice that they are willing to give their opinions and all... do you think they are trying to be you? do you think they are going to kill you and wear your skin and pretend to be you? <runs away aimlessly screaming>

Dear Cheese

I don't know bout everybody else but i was given permission from the comander himself, Jonman, to help out with the questions. Plus I already wear someone elses skin. Crap I hit 1000!
cheese is funny
wow... is everyone wearing someone elses skin? <takes off skin of his redneck neighbor> ahh... thats refreshing....

gratz matt
MAtt
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Apr 18 2003, 11:31 PM)
gratz matt

gratz cheese does a little dance
craziness
dear jonman,
this is a question for MAtt since i know he is going to answer me anyways laugh.gif
why do i love you so much? is that a good or a bad thing? /me glues MAtt to the floor and kisses him w00t

love,
i love MAttyeah i love ya babe!
MAtt
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 18 2003, 11:32 PM)
dear jonman,
this is a question for MAtt since i know he is going to answer me anyways  laugh.gif
why do i love you so much? is that a good or a bad thing? /me glues MAtt to the floor and kisses him w00t

love,
i love MAttyeah i love ya babe!

Damn i don't know....Maybe it is my undying love you you that makes it posible? I should ask Jonman lol kisses back
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