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justwondering
I tell you I am fine but it is just smoke that I blow.

For smoke and mirrors is all that know.

To show the false sense of security, that says let it go.

I laugh and I joke to hide that wich is broke.

A part of my heart that I no longer have.

Please donít let this poetry make you sad.

I mean not to create sorrow in your heart.

Just to let you know that my soul is unmarked.

I still have some faith in this body of mine.

Yet where it is, is hard to find.

So pay me no mind when I flip out and send.

A piece of my soul, written in poetry, to a friend.
Dreams On Hiatus
Not bad, here are a few suggestions:

(you don't have to take them, but I figured you posted because you wanted people to critique your poem smile.gif )

Toward the bottom -- "my soul is still yet not marked" The "not marked" sounds kind of forced to me. You might want to consider changing it to "unmarked."

"witch" I think you meant "which"

The ending wasn't bad at all. Keep practicing! smile.gif
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
have you ever considered going professional?
justwondering
I have wanted to go pro, but I couldn't tell you the first thing about how to break in. All I know how to do is write. I hope you all like what I write and criticism is never a bad thing I want to know what you all think. Well ciao to all for this evening. I'll write more later. Till then I'm Justwondering...... how do i get into this professionally? cool.gif
Dreams On Hiatus
I'd like to know how myself.
justwondering
QUOTE (Dreams On Hiatus @ Jan 30 2004, 03:29 PM)
Not bad, here are a few suggestions:

(you don't have to take them, but I figured you posted because you wanted people to critique your poem smile.gif )

Toward the bottom -- "my soul is still yet not marked" The "not marked" sounds kind of forced to me. You might want to consider changing it to "unmarked."

"witch" I think you meant "which"

The ending wasn't bad at all. Keep practicing!  smile.gif

Ty dreams of hiatus i think you had a good point about the poem and i used your idea and have to say it sounds so much better thank you and please everyone keep te critisicm coming it make for fun and better poems.

well till next time i'm justwondering...... biggrin.gif
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