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This is from a few years back, now, but Jaq wanted me to post it again. It's a play on bad Canadian poetry.

Canada; oh!, my Canada
by geoffrey dice, jennifer lindberg
sarri lutkin, diana payton, and jessíca sookermany

The blizzard blows over the flat wheat fields

So flat and cold it could drive a kind, sad-hearted, lonely farmwife crazy
*(it does)

she longs for the sleek ice of the curling rink
for her friends at the hockey arena
She looks up to see a maple leaf flutter from the sky
It is a sign of hope in this bleak summer
it clings to her tear-stained face

coldandflat flatandcold
How cold it is Ė how will they ever get the crops in?

But ah! She remembers it is the Depression in Moose Jaw, and there are no crops.

She looks to the west and sees the majestic mountains
rising above this cold and flat land into the purple sky
(insert useless expletive here) like a grain elevator

she travels down the Flat and Cold grid road
to the chinese cafť where she eats her poutine; she
feels compassion for the chinese workers
that built our grand railroad

She sees the polar bears at play
with the beaver pups

the years pass her by like tim hortonís coffee; roll up the rim
Play Again
Play Again
Play Again

She is so cold, so very

cold... in this flat land.

Elle pense de son mari mort insensitif
et tour Š son amoureux Pierre Crowflapshiswings-Popolowski-McMillan.

And she thinks to herself,
Thatís it
Iím going to Cuba.
Wow...I don't think I can get into heaven because I read that. I don't suppose I'm going to heaven anyways because I wrote this...

"In Canada is where I met, a monkey I wanted for a pet.
He drank like mad and fought like hell, he punched my face
until I fell. I asked him please come live with me, but he just
smiled and took a pee. He'd had to much to drink you see,
this is why I let him be."

There was a more vulgar version of this poem...but it
was banned in Canada.

It will be on my site soon...with others:)
Gothymothy girl

Wow. . . .for once I'm happy. . . .WHY OH WHY GOD HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?!
Wow. . . .for once I'm happy. . . .WHY OH WHY GOD HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?!


Well, I'm not Canadian. But a lot of my online friends are. Yes, several say "Eh". And now so do I. tongue.gif

There's a band called the Arrogant Worms I downloaded some stuff from...they have a song called "Canada is Really Big"

Favorite parts:

"...but we can still stand proudly 'cause Canada's really big.
We're the second largest country on this planet Earth
And if Russia keeps on shrinking, soon then we'll be first (as long as we keep Quebec!)

The USA has tanks, Switzerland has banks
They can keep them thanks, they just don't amount
'Cause when you get down to it, you find out what the truth is
It isn't what you do with it, it's the size that counts!"

The Arrogant Worms are one of my many gods. I think Jicama and Jaq would agree. *nods fervently* Sadly, I have only been to one of their concerts.

Another of their Canadian classics goes something like:

We've got Rocks and Trees and Trees and Rocks
And Rocks and Trees and Trees and Rocks
And Rocks and Trees and Trees and Rocks
And Rocks and Trees and Trees and Rocks
And Waterrrrr...... In Canada!
Or the Mountie Song

"I used to think that a Mountie had to be honest, loyal, humble
strong and thrifty
But even though we don't break ranks we get no thanks, they
took us off the fifty (dollar bill)
On Sussex Drive in hallowed halls we act like gaurds in
shopping malls, it's such a pain (ah, come on in they're sleeping)
Like someone's plotting the assassination of the minister of
Sports and Recreation oh that's insane
Sometimes I just wanna puke on Sgt. Preston of the Yukon
Dudley Dooright's such a jerk
And though he tries with all his heart, my horse couldn't catch a
shopping cart
Somedays I hate to go to work"

oh the Arrogant worms, how I love thee.
Or 'Toronto Sucks'!

"I hate Newfoundland 'cause they talk so weird
And Prince Edward Island is too small
Nova Scotia's dumb 'cause it's the name of a bank
New Brunswick doesn't have a good mall..."

The Arrogant Worms are awesome. Actually, I hadn't heard of them until I saw this thread, but now I'm addicted.
I was introduced when a friend of mine was singing "I am Cow" in chat room. Hmm...let me see what I still have of theirs...well, I'm not allowed to download anymore but I do have some files. That is, if I can get to them. Argh. Oh, there was the Canadian Crisis song:

Often on the weekend I'll jump in my car
I won't fill up the tank although I'm going far
And if somebody asks me if I'm going to a bar
I'll say I'm shopping 'cross the border in the USA
I don't go down there to buy my groceries
I respect our farmers and our factories
I don't believe that "local" means it's poor in quality
It's just our goddamn prices are too high

(If he stays away for just two days)
I'll get one hundred dollars duty-free
If it adds to more I won't claim it for
(He won't declare the products if they're in his trunk)

Although it is Canada that I call home
I don't cheer for the Yankees when I'm in the Dome
I didn't swell with pride during the Desert Storm
It's just that I don't want to pay the tax
(It's just that he's too cheap to pay the tax)

(Yes, it's just like this, he's a loyalist)
I'll only shop at malls that fly our flag
(And he'll tell Bob Rae that he just won't pay)
Unless I need my unemployment benefits
(Get a job, get a job, get a job)

Now everyone is doing the same thing as me
They're doing what they can to beat the GST
They're lining up for miles at the Duty-Free
So I bought a JC Penny's store in Buffalo
(So everybody come on down to Buffalo)

(Cause if you stay away for just two days)
You'll get one hundred dollars duty-free
Though it's not at par it'll still go far
And it ends up in the pockets of a country man
(It ends up in the pockets of a country man)

Oh, Canada.
nobody's done last saskatchewan pirate yet?

Oh, I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine,
I had a little stretch of land along the CP line
But time are hard and though I tried, the money wasn't there
And bankers came and took my land and told me fair is fair
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always "no"
Hire you now, they'd always laugh, we just let twenty go!
The government, they promised me a measly little sum
But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum.
Then I thought who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone
I'm gonna be a PIRATE! on the River Saskatchewan!
(ar.. ar.. ar..)

Cause it's a heave-ho! hi-ho!
Coming down the plains
Stealing wheat and barley and all the other grains
And it's a ho-hey! hi-hey!
Farmers bar your doors when you see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores.

Well you think the locals farmers would know that I'm at large
But, just the other day I saw an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser,
I rammed their ship, and sank it, and I stole their fertilizer!
A bridge outside of Moose Jaw spans a mighty river
The farmers pass in so much fear, their stomachs are a-quiver
Because the know that TRACTOR JACK! is hiding in the bay,
I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off with their hay!


Well Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
He'd follow on the shoreline but he didn't own a boat
But cutbacks were a-coming and the Mountie lost his job
Now he's sailing with me and we call him Salty Bob.
A swingin' sword, and skull n' bones, and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the GST- SCREW IT!
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, I'm the terror of the sea
If ya wanna reach the Co-op, boy, you gotta get by me!


Well, pirate life's appealing, but you don't just find it here
I've heard that in Alberta, there's a band of bucaneers
They roam the Athabasca, from Smith to Fort McKay
And you're gonna lose your Stetson if you have to pass their way
Well winter is a-coming and a chill is in the breeze
Our pirate days are over once the river starts to freeze
I'll be back in springtime, but now I 've to go,
I hear there's lots of plundering down in New Mexico!

Repeat Chorus
Farmers bar your doors when you see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores.

best. song. ever.
I've always wondered if that was the Arrogant Worms song or Captain Tractors.
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