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Fallen Element
Still My Love Clings

I hate you.
But still my love clings,
Hanging like forgotten perfume.
I shrug the disdain,
And I ignore the tears.
But above all this,
There is still my love.
My torn insides grieve,
They yearn for what I cannot have.
And I know you know this ache,
I know you feel this pain.
But still my love clings.
I want to scream,
I want the fire to return to me.
But you refuse,
Just as before but with a malign twist.
No disappointment,
No ignorance.
Just absence.
But still my love clings.
Why we were left alone,
Trapped inside our own company,
I will never know.
But it is all we have now.
We must adapt, we must move on,
Forward is an illusion to you.
I hide behind my past
Just as you are trapped by it.
You lost your father young,
And I am fated to lose mine.
Orphaned.
Alone.
With you.
But still my love clings.
They say we should talk more,
They point blamed fingers in too many places,
Though there is no blame to place.
If the light is off,
It isnít on.
I fly the ruined nest,
I abandon you.
And you finally receive your hurt-free life.
No family to die,
No love to spurn.
Falling to the sidelines doesnít hurt,
Your guilt will never retire.
You are too old to fix,
And too dead to try.
But still my love clings.
Even if we leave you,
We will be by your side.
We cannot doom you to the pain,
We see it in your horse eyes.
Slipping free from light,
Your skin peels from the heat
Of your self constructed pyre.
You were the one who believed,
You could successfully deceive.
So goodnight sweet prince,
You end up dead in the end.
You end up back in my arms,
Arms that will never reject.
Though skies may darken,
And rain may drown.
Still my love clings.


wrote this whilst balancing on my windowsill chain smoking...tisn't easy juggling a laptop, cigarette and windowsill!

[i apologise for the length...got carried away...]

Fal xXx
acid_rain_child
Hehe, congratulations on the multi-tasking. I can't chain smoke and talk at the same time, let alone write a poem.

I'm sort of in between thinking it's some over-done, cliched love poem of a broken heart and young romance. It's one of those things that you read, and you just think, "Eh, they'll break up eventually, and she'll get over it." I mean, I was reading it, and about 3 "still my love clings" down, I got lost, I didn't know whether you wanted him back or didn't, or were unable to make the difference, or if the love was clouding your decision... so I read it again. It was still kinda shakey. However, if that's just your rough draft, and you want to make it into something more, it could turn out a masterpiece. Just make it sound real, ya dig? Don't use phrases, or even entire stanzas that people have heard before. When you do that, no one takes it seriously... they end up saying "Meh, don't worry, she'll get over it."
Ahem, yeah.
Fallen Element
firstly...im a guy
secondly, twas about my dad... he's is a big git sometimes...

its a love poem really, about how much we (my sister and i) try to show our love and he just pushes it away... i get the whole "one big stanza = annoying", but as i say it was written incredibly late/early one day and i had been feeling odd!

but thanks for the reply anyway!

much thankingness

Fal xXx
acid_rain_child
QUOTE (Fallen Element @ Jun 1 2004, 09:26 PM)
firstly...im a guy
secondly, twas about my dad... he's is a big git sometimes...

its a love poem really, about how much we (my sister and i) try to show our love and he just pushes it away... i get the whole "one big stanza = annoying", but as i say it was written incredibly late/early one day and i had been feeling odd!

but thanks for the reply anyway!

much thankingness

Fal xXx

Oh, haha, sorry, I do that a lot. In real life and on the boards, I have a gender recognization (<- don't know if that's a real word) problem. But you did call him your knight or something, I assumed... never mind.

Sorry about your dad. I can't even imagine. In my household, there's either tons of love or no love. But where there is no love, we don't try to make any. Total hate-hate and love-love relationships and whatnot. Sorry again for mistaking you for a chick.
Fallen Element
s'okay! three easy operations and some hormone tablets and i'm there! tongue.gif

get confused for a gurl all the time...i should possibly worry... dry.gif

this definately isn't my best work...but it's probably not my worst work...

thankee again!

Fal xXx
Enslaved
Wow Fal, that's an incredible poem. As you know, I'm an aspiring Poet... although my work isnt always about slugs, more-so drugs. I hope to write poems as good as yours someday. I was very moved by it, sorry to hear about your father. I hope you manage to resolve your issues with him.
lygophilia
Cool poem. About the length: When I have long poems--or even my shorter ones--I break some of it up every (#) amount of times. Or you can do it every time it chages a bit. Aside from that being used in poetry, I find when things are long, breaking it up makes it easier for me to read. Just a thought. Of course it's your poem. happy.gif Do what you like.
PsychWardMike
Cliche phrases, and bad angst aside, I still don't like this poem.

Why?

Simple. It evokes absolutely no emotion from me. Poetry is supposed to make people feel some emotion, but this just made me feel bored. And maybe a little bit of indigestion. But then again, I think that's because of the cliche language and angsty such and such. Call me a hearless jerk, but I don't think that pre pubescent whining doesn't make for good poetry. Or even decent poetry.

Added to that the lack of anything poetic (meter or devices) and a length that gave new meaning to the phrase "ad nauseum" and this is just another Linkin Park song with a guest appearance by Evanescence.
acid_rain_child
Grrr... Mike, write me a poem. Just any poem. I want it to be perfect. Oh, and it can only be your first draft too.
There can be NO cliches.
NO ansty teenage whining.
I want OODLES of emotion too. By the time I'm done reading your poem, I want to be so inspired I can hardly breathe.

You criticize other people's work, but the only thing I've read from you is some boring ass "short" story. You need to cool down, man, you can't come in here dissing everyone's work. What have you got to say about Mata's work, I wonder.

What might mean nothing to you might mean the world to someone else, and THAT'S what poetry is. Not everyone can be completely floored by everything they read. The author wrote it based on his or her own experiences or feelings or opinion or anything they damn well please, and it's not up to you do come around and tell them that they're outlet for this stuff is worthless.

If you're going to give criticism, for example, about the cliches in his poem, do it gracefully, or even tactfully. Your criticism is rude, and empty- no one can take anything away from it.
PsychWardMike
Use the old "Let's see you do better" thing, huh? I've heard this one before.

Not quite. I don't consider myself to be an incredible poet, or, for that matter, a good one. However, I do not need to be Robert Frost to know what good poetry is - I can safely say that I've seen movies that have sucked yet I have never made a film myself. I have heard songs that I think are crap, but am not myself a published muisician. I have played video games that are horribly broken, but I'm not a programmer.

And trust me, I've read horrible poetry but am not a great word smith. I like to write and, should the muse speak to me, I will write in verse.

Don't tell me to put up or shut up - I don't buy it.

As for the case of Mata, I can safely say that I like what I've seen. I find it to be witty and original; something far from what I really find on here.

And as much as it sickens me to quote a shirt I saw at Hot Topic... I will as it fits oh so nicely. "Tact is for those not witty enough to use sarcasm."

Cheers.
Fallen Element
wow. did someone do something incredibly cruel to you mike? something to make you so bitter sounding! i wasn't asking for plaudits of gold when i posted my poem, but i was asking for people to at least be tolerant! here at matazone constructive criticism is more than welcome, but if you have nothing constructive, helpful or nice to say then please just say nothing! if i were to read something that you had posted and i didn't like it, or thought it was poorly written, i would just say something constructive to help you on your poetic way!

so stop bitching bout my work and everyone elses... cos it really isn't your place to make destructive comments, because you did say you are not a great wordsmith...actually you did say you weren't a great anything!

so just back off!

[/rant]

Fal xXx smile.gif
porcelainwarrior
'Lo my pie, dun worry I liked it...well I liked it more than all that gory, cryptic stuff you were doing a while back...it hurteth my brain...

And Mike...seriously, do better than him, go on...wait...sorry...you can't - right? Well if you CAN'T do any better keep your gimp ass to yourself. For quite frankly you clearly aren't witty enough for sarcasm either. What your approach seems to be is blind, ignorant insults towards people who are being brave enough to expose themselves and their feelings to a forums of over a thousand people. And the whole thing about not telling you to put or shutup dosn't cut it either. All it does for me is further confirm your own cowardice and inability to prove you know what the hell you're talking about.

And who cares if he uses cliches? If they didn't work they never would have got popular in the first place. I think cliches are OK at times, helps appeal to the masses, not just the peusdo-intellectual f**k-wits like your good self. So nyah. Or something.
leopold
Boring, pointless, repetitive and dull.

Yes, Mike, that was the most insipid piece of verbatim regurgitation yet. Your review of Fal's work was by far the least inspiring critique I've ever read on anything, ever. So uninspiring, in fact, that I've just woken up from being bored to sleep by it when I read it an hour ago.

Taking the whining about angst, cliche and Evanescence out of the equation, your comments were as evidently empty as the space occupied between your ears. I'd go as far as to say that you singularly dispute the tenet "Nature abhors a vacuum" by the simple fact that you exist. Either that or your skull is so thick that it actually resists the enormous pressure differential.

I'm sure you have a talent, Mike; I think I can safely say that "reasoned and respected critic" isn't it. I could write a better review merely by bashing my forehead against the keyboard...

Now for the constructive bit: If you're going to be rude, at least try to be humorous with it.
Pab
muAAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahaha --- *beats desk with fist* ... buAAAAAHHHHHhahahahahahohohohohohohoho .... *wipes away a tear*

Leo ... leo-leo-leo ... I wrote a 2 page rant on that very topic yesterday and reckoned I should be smart and not send it to poor little psychewardmick or whatever ... And then you unfurl before our very eyes and do it for me ... lovely ... just lovely ....

*wipes away another tear* ...

yah well ... pschymikey forgets that the fact he's all alone in his room doesnt make him seem less of a c@ckmonger when he interacts with others here ... but don't worry .. he'll grow out of it ....
ravein
Good work fall.. the length is a bit much but I like what it is. Very free flowing, more of a train of thought prose than a poem.. but that can be a good thing.. sometimes in these types of work structure can restrict your work. I suggest you take the best parts, polish it a bit and you will have yourself a pretty good piece of work there. A lot of my work starts as train of thought.. then I refine it. Mine has to keep more of a rhythm since it is designed to be spoken word.. so I have to find a workable rhythm. Good work.. excellent start. Keep at it kid.
PS. Ignore Mike, his underwear is to tight
biggrin.gif
MistressAlti
If you don't like Mike's comments, ignore them. He got his warning from Mata, now leave him be, and focus on the poetry.

Mike, please don't respond in here again...
Mazling
Its a very wonderful poem.... Must take pratice to balance things like that.
Fallen Element
thankee all for your comments! and mazling...it took years of specialist training to balance like that! and as for the multitasking...gosh! i almost had to live as a woman to multitask properly! apparantly reading and breathing at the same time doesn't count...hehehe


thanks again everyone!

Fal xXx
Cthulhu
Wow, I can't believe someone couldn't get the feeling behind that. It's funny that Mike made those comments. I believe there were a lot of similar comments made about the ol' hack poet from the 19th century, what was his name again? Oh yeah, Edgar Alan Poe... Man did he ever crank out the angst. Don't think he ever did make it very famous though. <smirk>...

Anyway, I got it, made perfect sense to me. Poetry doesn't come from composition or anything you learn in a book, it comes from your soul. And you obviously went there to write that. Took some serious guts to share that too. Anyone who'd criticize it's content or meaning just doesn't get it.

It in the broad sense that is.
Fallen Element
thank you so much Cthulhu...just thank you...

smile.gif

Fal xXx
artist.unknown
I kicked mike in the head in a cafe lot, he has been sufficiently warned to play nice. PM any complaints to me and I will chase him down and give him a good thwack. ^^ We all need one every once in a while. Ignore mike, it's editing a crap mag that makes us bitter. Nice effort, Fal. The flow is interesting. Keep it up.
PsychWardMike
Hey... I got you just as well as you got me. That was a completely fair fight and you know it.
Cthulhu
I wish I still had some of the poetry I wrote about 10 years ago. I'd post it here. I might write some new stuff but, I just don't have the same feelings I used to have. <Shrug> I'll hunt for the old stuff and share what I can if I find it.
Mike
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
Great poem!
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