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monkey_called_narth
killer crackers

it breakfast time, but the days are gray
were waging war and its all the same
the killer crackers, those evil things
well blow ourselves to kingdome come some day, some day

those evil cookies, they have gone astray
their dropping bombs can you hear the sound?
they tied them all to fucking paper plains
and now everyone is screaming "run away run away", run away

lightly frosted, but not to sweet
they hunger now for human meat
the day is theres, theve run us down
trampling us with little cracker feet, cracker feet


chorus:

animal crackers, wmd
the coinsidence i just cant see
maybe to you but i think not
but those damn things sure are hot
PsychWardMike
It's a good start, but it still needs a fair bit of work. I get the feeling that you are trying to be political with this, but that's really not happening as what you try to do in metaphor just winds up confusing the audience.

One of the more glaring problems is that there are a few issues with the rhythmic and rhyming scheme; for any song the rhythmic schemes needs to be better than good - it needs to be spot on. The approvimate rhyme in this poem doesn't suit it either; rhyme, like rhythm, needs to be dead on for a song.

The subject matter is also a little too forced - the metaphor has good potential but I'm just not sure if it was working for me. Also, the anti war sentiments have been done a lot, but rock on to being against senseless fighting.

To actually be a song, this needs to be longer. There are three rather short stanzas which doesn't work for the length of the song and the "chorus" can't be the chorus as it is repeated only once through out the entire song. A chorus needs to be repeated at least twice. I do realize that music comes in to play with this, but the chorus would still be a verse in normal songs.

Anyway, it needs work, and a lot of it, but it's a good starting place
gothictheysay
I really like it. Yes, there could be changes - but Mike here is thinking of your more typical song. It really depends on how it's sung or done with music to fit all the rhyme/rhythm in etc. It could just be a unique song, but that would be harder to work with. Whatever you want to do. I think it's cool. ^^
monkey_called_narth
uhh... its a punk song... and uhhh the chorus is inbetween all verses... and its not ment to be political at all... me and my freind had this conversation and i turned it in to a song... yes we actually had a conversation about evil animal crackers that had weapons of mass destuction rolleyes.gif were fun like that.... its ment to make people smile...
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