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eternallybored
Donít look at me in fear,
For now, the end is near.
Donít you look at me and cry.
Donít you worry that weíll die.

And every chance I get
Is frozen in another time.
I did it once, I did it a million times, and yet
All that comes to me is rhyme.
So donít you look at me that way.
Donít you worry about our chance,
Tomorrow may well be the day.
Dance, so baby, dance.

Donít bottle me: Iím not that dumb.
What comes will someday come.
Donít you wane your patient virtue.
Donít you sigh over your curfew.

Lemons sweet as salt
Preserve my heart beneath my ribs.
The fear that it may someday halt,
Scares the babies in their cribs.
So donít you think that life is long.
Donít you use my love in vain,
Singing your bittersweet song,
Haunting me through the rain.

Donít put me to disregard
Come on, love is not that hard
Donít you dare ignore
Donít you dare make me a chore

Together, we are perfect
Like two halves of one great whole
Dreaming of the day I can stand erect
And you will warm my heart of coal
So donít you forget our bliss
Donít you be so narcissistic
I need your lips to kiss
I know inside youíre not so egotistic.

Donít fear me, I am kind
This kind of kind is hard to find.
Donít you fight what I can teach
Donít you stand where I canít reach.

Ode to Love

It's only a first draft. I wish I knew what to do. How do you revise poetry? Did it end right? I'm so morbid. Grrr. I just need someone to read it.

Oh, and it's a song. I don't know if that explains anything or not but...*shrugs* unsure.gif
MoonlightSavingsTime
It's looking all right, but yeah it can use some work. When revising poetry/lyrics, here are some things to look for:

1) Do the rhymes sound too forced, or do they flow naturally with the rest of the poem? I noticed a few of yours sound forced. Sometimes people just write a line specifically to rhyme the previous line, so it sounds forced and stands out more. With that in mind, take a look at the following lines which sound a little forced:
"Dance, so baby, dance" (doesn't seem to fit in at all)
"Don't you sigh over your curfew" (What does curfew have to do with anything?)

2) Similarly, the play on words in the last stanza comes off a bit...odd I guess.
"Donít fear me, I am kind
This kind of kind is hard to find
.
Donít you fight what I can teach
Donít you stand where I canít reach."

The last line sounded good, but not when grouped with the previous three lines, so might want to think about revising that, or throwing it out altogether and starting over. I'm not sure it works well as an ending though.

3) Since you seem to have a problem with the ending, you might want to think about where you want to go with this poem. What message are you trying to convey, or what story are you trying to tell? And how can you best convey that message and drive the point home in the concluding lines?

I think that's enough critiquing for now. I hope some of it helps. Good luck. smile.gif
Dreams On Hiatus
Most of what I noticed and would have pointed out was already said.

Suggestion: change Dance, so baby, dance to So dance, baby, dance. It just seems to fit better, in my opinion.

Remember, you don't have to change anything. If you like it the way it is, then that's okie dokie. smile.gif
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