Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: The Speech Of The Lost
The Other Side forums - suitable for mature readers! > The Other Side forums > Creations
SPEAKERfortheLOST
I am the Speaker for the Lost
I am but a humble ghost
For it comes at no cost
This should be heard coast to coast

The Lost choose their own path
Instead of following everyone else
So should they be put under God's Wrath
just because they don't follow someone else?

The Lost would rather be followed
And given the choice for a fair trial
If the request could be hallowed
Then maybe the Lost wouldn;t dig your ditches.

The Lost arent really lost
They are just misuderstood
It would come at no cost
for people to try and unsderstand.
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
That's nice... when did you write it?
PsychWardMike
I've been looking for a chance to test my... rehabilitated-ness.

Let's say that I didn't like this poem very much. It seems a trite and rather cliche'd subject matter. Yeah, you're trying to say that the "lost" (i.e., by my interpretation, 'noncomformists') march to their own drummer and shouldn't be persecuted for it? Good for them. However, this is not something that's not been said many times over (and I have a rant about 'noncomformists' but that's for a different day and a different board.)

As for your technique: the rhyming seems to me very forced. Don't try to force the proverbial square peg into a round hole (what I'm saying is don't sacrifice meaning for rhyme.) Added to this, you attempt at a rhythmic scheme, but don't do that, either. These aforementioned problems throw off the flow of the poem which generally detracts from the impact.

Lastly, everything is a bit too... literal. You say everything flat out, using no real poetic devices (i.e. metaphor, simile, allusion.) It seems not so much a poem but prose with enter keys tossed about.

Anyway, I hope I helped and don't take it too harshly. Work, if you care to. Disregard if you don't.
SPEAKERfortheLOST
that wasnt meant to exactly rhyme...
it was meant to make a point...
the point is to say that we all need to unite behind one person, a speaker per se, that will explain to the world how come we are different and why we chose the way we did...
Thanks for your input anyway...
Sir Maxerpopple
You'l rarely see me in the Creations forum, but here I am.

First of the rhyme scheme, I'm a little confused.

It goes like this:
a
b
a
b

c
d
c
d

e
f
e
g

a
h
a
i

Now for the first two stanzas, it's your standard rhyme scheme, all well and good. But in the last two stanzas, you alter the last lines. Presumably this is to make them stand out, at least that's the message. But do they? Dig your ditches? I don't know what you mean there. The last line stands out and it should, perhaps if you change ditches to something else, it would make the last line, the crux of your poem, really stand out. Using the "a" rhyme again connects the beginning and ending, I like that. Now while it wasn't made to exactly rhyme, it distracts the reader due to the emphasis put on it, it takes away from the point by using it so thoroughly. And the rhyming does seem a bit forced.

While you want to make the point of a leader, it really doesn't come out that way. That could be emphasized better. But with some work, this poem can be rather good.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.