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SuperKathoid
you are awesome jaq
craziness
dear jaq,
i was supposed to get internet back on my computer last sunday. guess what? i dont have it back. i still have it on this one computer, which isnt mine. i miss my computer but i dont get internet and i wont be getting it for a while. im sad sad.gif
Jaq
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 29 2003, 11:21 PM)
dear jaq,
i was supposed to get internet back on my computer last sunday. guess what? i dont have it back. i still have it on this one computer, which isnt mine. i miss my computer but i dont get internet and i wont be getting it for a while. im sad sad.gif

Dear Craziness:

I weep for you. What was the question again?

Confused
Auntie Jaq
craziness
oh yeah.......... laugh.gif what should i do to sustain myself from killing someone?
Debaser
dear auntie jaq,

i have 2 questions for you...

1) should i be revising instead of being here? i mean, i know i have exams soon, but i can't just leave here...

2) what is an acceptable price to sell an 8-year-old border collie on the black market?
leopold
Dear Auntie Jaq,

Someone on this forum keeps stealin me Pringles... it's startin ta bug me cos I'm gettin withdrawal symptoms.

Do ya know of any suitable torture devices so I can stop the little freak from stealin them?

Yours,
Cravin savoury snacks
Jaq
QUOTE (craziness @ Apr 29 2003, 11:24 PM)
oh yeah.......... laugh.gif what should i do to sustain myself from killing someone?

Okay. Well I know this might sound crazy, but I say get outside and do something. It's spring now and it's getting warmer. There's probably lots of things that you can do, such as bike riding, rollerblading etc. I used to rearrange furniture when I was bored. It's a little weird, but it looks alot more interesting when you're done. Turn off the computer and try to invent or make something. Have you ever learned how to crochet? Go try and find out how to do it, crocheting don't appeal to you? What about juggling, carpentry, painting, drawing, writing poetry, knitting, whittling, paper making, burning CD's, macrame, glass blowing, baking, or yodelling. You can also go to the library if you can find someone to drive you, I hear they have computers in there somewhere. If worst comes to worst go back to that hyphenated brand name dessert, Jell-O. It relieves stress. See my reply to Gerbil when he was asking about relieving stress when waiting for answers from high schools.

Hope that helps!
aunite Jaq
Pikasyuu
Dear Auntie Jaq --
Why don't we keep clams as pets?

-- Clams have feelings too.
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Apr 30 2003, 12:01 AM)
Dear Auntie Jaq --
Why don't we keep clams as pets?

-- Clams have feelings too.

Dear Syuu

We don't keep clams as pets because of hate and fear and ignorance, like most other things in this world. You see it all goes back to 1520, a time when clams were a common household pet, beloved by all and surpassed in the shellfish world in intelligence only by mussels. There were clam beauty contests, clam clubs, clam registry offices and "clam eater" was considered an insult meaning 'person who is unnessecarily cruel, stupid and perverted.' this all changed in the fall of 1520 when a horrific, tragic accident involving serveral hundred clams, a few abberant water buffalo from the London Zoo and a substance that wasn't entirely unlike Jell-O. Of course the clams weren't responsible for the accident, but the bad press plagued the clams forever more. The most fundamentalist of the clam haters started eating their pet clams as a sign of protest. When they realized just how delicious they could be (the clams, not the protesters) the tradition continued.

Yours,
Auntie Jaq
Jaq
I'm gonna bump this.

Because I can. tongue.gif
Jaq
QUOTE (leopold @ Apr 29 2003, 11:33 PM)
Dear Auntie Jaq,

Someone on this forum keeps stealin me Pringles... it's startin ta bug me cos I'm gettin withdrawal symptoms.

Do ya know of any suitable torture devices so I can stop the little freak from stealin them?

Yours,
Cravin savoury snacks

Oops! Forgot to answer this question! *bump*

Dear Savoury Snacker:

Yes I do. But first you must catch the wiley pringle snatcher(s). I recommend digging a large pit and sticking sharp sticks pointing upwards in it. Then cover it with some local vegetation, sprinkle some pringles on it and just bide your time. With luck your pringle snatcher will come and soon trap himself in the pit, impaling himself on the pointed sticks and die a horrible painful slow and drawn out death.

Or you could just tell him to stop. That always works.

Bloodthirstily,
Auntie Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (Debaser @ Apr 29 2003, 11:31 PM)
dear auntie jaq,

i have 2 questions for you...

1) should i be revising instead of being here? i mean, i know i have exams soon, but i can't just leave here...

2) what is an acceptable price to sell an 8-year-old border collie on the black market?

This one too. Meep!

Dear Debaser.

First I want to thank you for asking questions in my favourite form: list form!
I'll answer accordingly.

1) Yes. Yes you should. You should revise until your eye fall out and your eye sockets are nothing more than a bloody, rotting, breeding ground for maggots. This is much too late to tell you this, but hopefully by now you've taken my advice and your head is now host to a number of insects.

2) An 8-year-old border collie on the black dog market nowadays will fetch (heh heh, fetch) somewhere in the range of illegally obtained kidneys formerly belonging to drunken business men. If kidneys are not available 3 poodles will sustitute for a collie.

Illegally Yours
Auntie Jaq
Pikasyuu
Dear thuroughly missed evil auntie Jaq -
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck could?
- evil niece syuu
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ May 31 2003, 03:35 AM)
Dear thuroughly missed evil auntie Jaq -
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck could?
- evil niece syuu

Dear Evil-In-Training:

I think the woodchuck, being a somewhat small animal wouldn't chuck a heck of a lot of wood. Although it has unending energy (or so I assume, being too lazy and incurious to look up anything about woodchucks) the woodchuck, the biggest bug ever made, woudn't have much time for chucking wood what with looking for food and being guide animals for the blind. Combining these duties with their elaborate almost ritualized fire and shelter building methods and their emerging civilization, the woodchuck has very little time to chuck wood. The short answer to your question. "Little to none."

Evilly Yours,
Auntie 666
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Jaq @ May 31 2003, 03:43 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ May 31 2003, 03:35 AM)
Dear thuroughly missed evil auntie Jaq -
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck could?
- evil niece syuu

Dear Evil-In-Training:

I think the woodchuck, being a somewhat small animal wouldn't chuck a heck of a lot of wood. Although it has unending energy (or so I assume, being too lazy and incurious to look up anything about woodchucks) the woodchuck, the biggest bug ever made, woudn't have much time for chucking wood what with looking for food and being guide animals for the blind. Combining these duties with their elaborate almost ritualized fire and shelter building methods and their emerging civilization, the woodchuck has very little time to chuck wood. The short answer to your question. "Little to none."

Evilly Yours,
Auntie 666

Dear auntie Jaq -
That woodchuck is a bastard. I hate him.

- syuu
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ May 31 2003, 03:45 AM)
QUOTE (Jaq @ May 31 2003, 03:43 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ May 31 2003, 03:35 AM)
Dear thuroughly missed evil auntie Jaq -
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck could?
- evil niece syuu

Dear Evil-In-Training:

I think the woodchuck, being a somewhat small animal wouldn't chuck a heck of a lot of wood. Although it has unending energy (or so I assume, being too lazy and incurious to look up anything about woodchucks) the woodchuck, the biggest bug ever made, woudn't have much time for chucking wood what with looking for food and being guide animals for the blind. Combining these duties with their elaborate almost ritualized fire and shelter building methods and their emerging civilization, the woodchuck has very little time to chuck wood. The short answer to your question. "Little to none."

Evilly Yours,
Auntie 666

Dear auntie Jaq -
That woodchuck is a bastard. I hate him.

- syuu

Actually most woodchucks are born in wedlock. (thus not technically bastards) They have a surprising well developed religion.
Pikasyuu
Dearest agony aunt Jaq -
Sort've serious problem here. I'm losing touch with my pals yet again. I've barely spoken to the most important ones, and due to a recent fight with another close friend, the relationship is severing. That, and I'm really bored and thought up a question for you to answer. Whaddo I dooo? =)

- agony niece syuu
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ May 31 2003, 06:44 AM)
Dearest agony aunt Jaq -
Sort've serious problem here. I'm losing touch with my pals yet again. I've barely spoken to the most important ones, and due to a recent fight with another close friend, the relationship is severing. That, and I'm really bored and thought up a question for you to answer. Whaddo I dooo? =)

- agony niece syuu

Dearest Syuu

Get outside. Remember outside? It's all bright and green and blue and there's hard places and soft places and all sorts of bugs and bikes and begonias. ARe you outside now? Okay, now take your bike and ride over to your friend's house. Tell them that 'you're sorry you disagreed but you still wanna be friends, so let's go do something fun.' Okay? Now after you've done said fun thigns, phone up your close pals and say 'hey let's all do something that's fun' Then do something fun. Problem solved. You have fun, you revive relationships and you do something fun.

Or you could just stay here with the rest of us and enjoy the VL.

Auntie Jaq
Pikasyuu
Dear agony aunt Jaq --
Yeah, I do the outside thing. Little late, though. We had about 7 more major arguments where it ended up getting really ugly with lots of yelling and hatred and stuff, and we don't talk any more. Our mutual friend is upset with both of us for being stubborn arseholes, but I can't really associate with someone like that any more. I'll miss him..

Forum people are nicer anyway.

- disgruntled evil agony niece syuu
cheese is funny
dear antie jaq,

im bored and im not doing my homework.. just thought i would let you know... hehe

yours truely,

that one guy who says dumb things to get attention
Jaq
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jun 4 2003, 11:31 PM)
dear antie jaq,

im bored and im not doing my homework.. just thought i would let you know... hehe

yours truely,

that one guy who says dumb things to get attention

Dear Cheese

I'm bored, and I don't have any homework. So there. Nyeh.

Signed,
The chick what is incoherent.

p.s. Believe me, there's more than one guy who says dumb things to get attention
cheese is funny
dearest antie jaq,

if you like, you can do my homework for me, and ill gladly pay you in small spanish coastal islands....

sincerlly

me, that one guy, ya know, that one you knew from highschool?
Jaq
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jun 4 2003, 11:36 PM)
dearest antie jaq,

if you like, you can do my homework for me, and ill gladly pay you in small spanish coastal islands....

sincerlly

me, that one guy, ya know, that one you knew from highschool?

Cheese:


Just what kind of Spanish coastal islands are we talking about? Nice ones? Or little islets of death? Because I'm not gonna be doing any homework for little islets of death. Unless they contained some sort of evil scientist playing god and making half human half animal hybrids for his own sick purposes. Then 'islet of death' me away!

Also what kind of homework? Math? Chemistry? I can't do either...well..maybe math.

Auntie Jaq

p.s. Oh! That dude, that sat behind me in 4th period in grade 11? Hey man! Haven't seen you in like forever!
Pikasyuu
Dearest auntie Jaq --
Will you thwart cheez? He isn't your actual nephew. Thwart him with forks. Thankyou! ^^

- evil agony niece syuu
cheese is funny
dearest antie jaq,

dont thwart me... it doesnt sound fun... or... can you make it fun? wink.gif

anyways... i have to right a speech for tomorrow, i have a take home geometry test, and i have to read 200 pages of this book and analize it... ok... im being lazy... i cant ask you to do it for me... thats too cruel... ill start it in oh... 30 min...

sincerly

that crazy old man that shoots at pigeons with a high powered sniper rifle
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 4 2003, 11:53 PM)
Dearest auntie Jaq --
Will you thwart cheez? He isn't your actual nephew. Thwart him with forks. Thankyou! ^^

- evil agony niece syuu

Dearest Neice:

I take orders from no man! Oh wait. You're a woman. Alright, I'll thwart cheese.

Auntie Jaq.

p.s. that wasn't an actual question you know
Jaq
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jun 4 2003, 11:56 PM)
dearest antie jaq,

dont thwart me... it doesnt sound fun... or... can you make it fun? wink.gif

anyways... i have to right a speech for tomorrow, i have a take home geometry test, and i have to read 200 pages of this book and analize it... ok... im being lazy... i cant ask you to do it for me... thats too cruel... ill start it in oh... 30 min...

sincerly

that crazy old man that shoots at pigeons with a high powered sniper rifle

Cheese:

Yes. I can. Will I? Maybe.


Do your homework young man! Either that or have a bonfire and use your homework for kindling. Either way it'll take care of your problem.

Lovingly, Auntie Jaq
cheese is funny
dearest antie jaq,

PENGUIIIIIIN! or towel?

sincerly

that guy who askes a dumb question two times in a row hoping to get two serious answers
Jaq
QUOTE (cheese is funny @ Jun 5 2003, 12:27 AM)
dearest antie jaq,

PENGUIIIIIIN! or towel?

sincerly

that guy who askes a dumb question two times in a row hoping to get two serious answers

Dear self appointed Dumb Guy:

Yes.


Lovingly, Auntie Jaq
Jaq
Dear Auntie Jaq:

Why has no one aske you questions on your thread lately?

Yours, Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jun 10 2003, 09:10 PM)
Dear Auntie Jaq:

Why has no one aske you questions on your thread lately?

Yours, Jaq

Dearest Jaq:

There are many possible reasons.
1. You are giving bad advice
2. You are giving good advice but no one realizes it's good advice
3. No one has any problems.....okay...no one wants to talk to you about their problems
4. Your thread has fallen by the wayside
5. You talk to yourself.

I hope this list can help you straighten yourself out andfind your own answer to this most perplexing problem

Yours in Double Vision, Auntie Jaq
Pikasyuu
Dear evil auntie Jaq -
Help me think of a secondary evil dare to smite cheez with for riding my BO thread like the neighbourhood horse.

-- evil agony niece syuu
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 10 2003, 09:13 PM)
Dear evil auntie Jaq -
Help me think of a secondary evil dare to smite cheez with for riding my BO thread like the neighbourhood horse.

-- evil agony niece syuu

Dear evil evil neice:

I'm glad you've come to me with your problems! There are many things that you could dare Cheese to do. I will reply in my most favouritest of forms: The List Form
You could dare him:
1. to shave his head
2. To stuff olives up his nose
3. To run around the forums nekkid
4. To eat an entire jar of chile peppers
5. To admit that he is the evil twin
6. To publicly proclaim skanking as a silly waste of time.
7. To add after each post "I am the lizard queen!"

That is all. Pick from this list what you will, for it is free to all.

Auntie Jaq.
Pikasyuu
Dear evil agony aunt Jaq -
He seems to have no camera abilities. Otherwise, I'd sooo make him shave his head.

- evil agony niece syuu
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 10 2003, 09:23 PM)
Dear evil agony aunt Jaq -
He seems to have no camera abilities. Otherwise, I'd sooo make him shave his head.

- evil agony niece syuu

What about the running about the forums nekkid? Or proclaiming himself the evil twin?
hinsley
i like the last suggestion.
leopold
Dear Auntie Jaq,

I jus got meself married to a gorgeous Canadian chick. Did I do well?

Yours in awe an wonderment,
Leo
Mr Fuzzy
Dear Jaq
I am constantly hounded by eels and lizards.
What should I do?

Frightened of Winchester.
Jaq
QUOTE (leopold @ Jun 10 2003, 11:54 PM)
Dear Auntie Jaq,

I jus got meself married to a gorgeous Canadian chick. Did I do well?

Yours in awe an wonderment,
Leo

Dearest Leo:

You did helluva well. Keep up the good decisions and the like and you will go far my son. You will go far.

Yours, Auntie Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Jun 10 2003, 11:55 PM)
Dear Jaq
I am constantly hounded by eels and lizards.
What should I do?

Frightened of Winchester.

Dear Fright:

I propose staking the two species against each other. Everyone knows that lizards and eels are mortal enemies. That's normally why they avoid each other. Eels choosing the water while lizards chose the land. Now what you have to do to get them to turn their attentions towards each other is to first, make them aware of each other. You can do this with simple taunting. Telling the lizards that you saw an eel last night who chased you better than the lizardingest lizard will ever chase you. Tell the eels that they would be easily domesticated compared to the lizards. All eels have an inherent fera of being domesticated. Don't ask. Now that they are aware of each other, you must arrange for a place for them to meet. I think that a simple swamp would be sufficient. They will both be able to follow you there and once they see each other your eel and lizard hounding days will be over.

Jaq

p.s. You could probably sell tickets for the fight.
Debaser
dear jaq,

you may remember me asking you various questions about my dog. eventually i sold it for 2 used kidneys, and everything was peachy for a while. however, the dog has found it's way back to the house, and wants revenge. any ideas?

yours,
that guy who got on the same bus as you for about 3 years but you never noticed me
Pikasyuu
Dear evil auntie Jaq -
I like Rugby and hate boys. Am I a lesbian yet?

- evil agony niece syuu
Jaq
QUOTE (Debaser @ Jun 11 2003, 12:29 AM)
dear jaq,

you may remember me asking you various questions about my dog. eventually i sold it for 2 used kidneys, and everything was peachy for a while. however, the dog has found it's way back to the house, and wants revenge. any ideas?

yours,
that guy who got on the same bus as you for about 3 years but you never noticed me

Dear Dude I don't know because I never took the school bus yah weirdo:

Well, I think there's probably many things that you could do. But most of them probably won't be endorsed by the RSPCA. I can't exactly tell you what to do, because I don't want to get in trouble with them folks (they're nasty!) but I will tell you these two things. One, a dog is infinitely stupider than you. Or at least I hope he is. And two, a dog has basically the same weak spots on his body that you do, nose, nads, and clavical.

Now, I'm not endorsing violence. I'm just giving you some interesting trivia. What ever you do with that interesting trivia is completly up to you. If you or anyone you know is hurt by or hurts the dog I was never here, you don't know me, and I don't exist.

From. ***
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 11 2003, 12:33 AM)
Dear evil auntie Jaq -
I like Rugby and hate boys. Am I a lesbian yet?

- evil agony niece syuu

Agony Neice:

Not quite. I'm sure there's many people who don't like boys and do like rugby. I know I do. I don't consider myself a lesbian. Here's a tip. If you can't look at a really good looking man without finding yourself thinking of nasty(and by nasty, I mean good) things to do to him, then you're probably not a lesbian. It doesn't matter if you like or respect or cherish them as a person or not. It's simply a matter of hormones.

Simple Innit?
Jaq
elf
dear jaq,

i wanna marry someone just to get the feel of the reception (i didn't have one with tara cuz we eloped) ... but i still love him... whaddoaido?

~WANNABE BRIDE!!!!1
Jaq
QUOTE (elf @ Jun 11 2003, 02:16 AM)
dear jaq,

i wanna marry someone just to get the feel of the reception (i didn't have one with tara cuz we eloped) ... but i still love him... whaddoaido?

~WANNABE BRIDE!!!!1

Dear Wannabe:

Alright, let me get this straight. You want to get married just for the reception? Oookay... Sounds like a good idea!(no, really, I got married just for the pirate theme) But if you don't really want to get married and just want a reception, you could always have a big party where the prerequisite for being invited was to buy you a big expensive e-gift. Now -that's- classy.

Married Ol' Hag
Jaq
elf
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jun 10 2003, 06:34 PM)
QUOTE (elf @ Jun 11 2003, 02:16 AM)
dear jaq,

i wanna marry someone just to get the feel of the reception (i didn't have one with tara cuz we eloped) ... but i still love him... whaddoaido?

~WANNABE BRIDE!!!!1

Dear Wannabe:

Alright, let me get this straight. You want to get married just for the reception? Oookay... Sounds like a good idea!(no, really, I got married just for the pirate theme) But if you don't really want to get married and just want a reception, you could always have a big party where the prerequisite for being invited was to buy you a big expensive e-gift. Now -that's- classy.

Married Ol' Hag
Jaq

ok... thanks for the advice! *bounces off malfunctioning*
leopold
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jun 11 2003, 02:34 AM)
(no, really, I got married just for the pirate theme)

Gah! An there was me thinkin ya did it fer love sad.gif

*cries*
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jun 11 2003, 02:11 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 11 2003, 12:33 AM)
Dear evil auntie Jaq -
I like Rugby and hate boys. Am I a lesbian yet?

- evil agony niece syuu

Agony Neice:

Not quite. I'm sure there's many people who don't like boys and do like rugby. I know I do. I don't consider myself a lesbian. Here's a tip. If you can't look at a really good looking man without finding yourself thinking of nasty(and by nasty, I mean good) things to do to him, then you're probably not a lesbian. It doesn't matter if you like or respect or cherish them as a person or not. It's simply a matter of hormones.

Simple Innit?
Jaq

I don't like boys (in that way), I like rugby, and I'm forever thinking of making love to women. While I respect Brad Pitt's acting abilities, and rugged chiselled looks, watching Fight Club does not make me want to smear him in yogurt and Ben'n'Jerrys.

So, am I a lesbian?

Yours
Confused
Jaq
QUOTE (Jonman @ Jun 11 2003, 09:17 PM)
QUOTE (Jaq @ Jun 11 2003, 02:11 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Jun 11 2003, 12:33 AM)
Dear evil auntie Jaq -
I like Rugby and hate boys. Am I a lesbian yet?

- evil agony niece syuu

Agony Neice:

Not quite. I'm sure there's many people who don't like boys and do like rugby. I know I do. I don't consider myself a lesbian. Here's a tip. If you can't look at a really good looking man without finding yourself thinking of nasty(and by nasty, I mean good) things to do to him, then you're probably not a lesbian. It doesn't matter if you like or respect or cherish them as a person or not. It's simply a matter of hormones.

Simple Innit?
Jaq

I don't like boys (in that way), I like rugby, and I'm forever thinking of making love to women. While I respect Brad Pitt's acting abilities, and rugged chiselled looks, watching Fight Club does not make me want to smear him in yogurt and Ben'n'Jerrys.

So, am I a lesbian?

Yours
Confused

Jonman:

Yes, yes you are. Don't worry, there's no stigma attached to being a lesbian. If you can't adjust to your sexuality, I suggest counselling to help you accept yourself for who you are. Be proud!

Auntie Jaq
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