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The.Wheezing.Ghost
Dear Jaq,

I've had an extremely low self esteem lately, for about well...a month. I've absoulutly hated myself, for no reason. Everytime I make the tiniest error....like a typo I start calling myself an idiot. I think everyone around me hates me, My friends are really jerks who hate me. The other day my friend told me that I was a playstation hog and I screamed out of nowhere "I am no---YES I AM! I'M A HOG! I HATE ME" and immedatly bite my hand afterward. I've never seen her look so scared, she hasn't called me since. I think she's avoiding me.

Sincerly,

Wallowing in self hatred
Jaq
QUOTE (leopold @ Aug 22 2003, 03:46 PM)
Dearest e-wife,

So much arguin an bickerin in the world... why can't everyone jus play nice??  I'd like that...

Yours with much love,
Cap'n Leo Bluebeard.  Yarrrrr!

PS Can I have a hug?  I'm feelin unloved...  sad.gif

Dearest Cap'n

Most people think that they know better than their neighbours. And by neighbours I mean everyone. Of course when their neighbours and their own values are the same then everyone's okay with it and they all feel safe. The only time that people fight is when they disagree among themselves and of course since every other person knows more or better than the person beside them nobody can ever win because of stubborness. It's impossible to be the best at everything you do and most people realize this unless it comes to morals,religion, family values, politics and well pretty much anything that requires an opinion and not just straight empirical facts. So people argue. And fight. And scratch and bite. That's pretty much the main excuse for fighting.

The other reason for fighting is when George wants something that Fred has. It's quite nice and shiny and of course Fred doesn't want to give it up but George wants it too so they have to fight over it. People can be mean and stupid and cruel but there are alot of people in the world right now who aren't fighting. In fact the great majority of people in the world aren't fighting. Most people just want peace.
And here's a hug just for you *Hugs* smile.gif Better?

Yarrr, yeh e-wifey Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Aug 22 2003, 03:47 PM)
QUOTE (Jaq @ Aug 23 2003, 10:43 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Aug 22 2003, 03:36 PM)
Dearest Jaq-

...!!!!!

- syuu

Darling Syuu:


???????


Jaq

Sweetest Jaq-

$%@%&*(>>>>..~?

- sysyuu

Syuu:

Why are you swearing at me?!? What did I ever do to you that would make you cuss me out?

I'm calling your mother.

Aunt Jaq.
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (Jaq @ Aug 23 2003, 11:32 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Aug 22 2003, 03:47 PM)
QUOTE (Jaq @ Aug 23 2003, 10:43 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Aug 22 2003, 03:36 PM)
Dearest Jaq-

...!!!!!

- syuu

Darling Syuu:


???????


Jaq

Sweetest Jaq-

$%@%&*(>>>>..~?

- sysyuu

Syuu:

Why are you swearing at me?!? What did I ever do to you that would make you cuss me out?

I'm calling your mother.

Aunt Jaq.

Dearest Auntie Jaq --

No! Not my mother! I'm sorry! I love you. ._.

- syuubi
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Aug 22 2003, 04:34 PM)
Dearest Auntie Jaq --

No! Not my mother! I'm sorry! I love you. ._.

- syuubi

Well...okay. But enough with the potty mouth Syuu! There's chillens on this here forum don't you know?

Yers, Jaq
CommieBastard
Dear Jaq,

I woke up today in a bathtub full of ice and written in lipstick on the mirror were the words WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF AIDS, ALSO CALL 911. I waited a while though, because I was enjoying being chilled, given that a little while prior I had found some stickers at a playground with Mickey Mouse and stuff on them and they were laced with acid and I tripped out really bad, and after thinking I could fly I eventually did so much acid that I thought I was a glass of orange juice. Eventually I got out of the bathtub, discovering that I had lost my kidneys, and I had to take a crap but unfortunately there was an alligator in the toilet that someone had flushed into the sewers years ago. On the way out of this apartment I ran into Paul from the Wonder Years, who'd had his lower ribs removed so he could fellate himself. Which he was doing right in front of me! He also had his roommate's toothbrush in his ass and asked me if I'd take a picture. I made for the door, but had forgotten that today was Halloween and a bunch of trick-or-treaters were at the door. I gave them some apples with razorblades in them and ran like hell. When I got back to my place I found a man in a Batman mask lying unconscious on the floor and a screaming woman tied to the bed. While trying to explain what had happened, she suddenly gave birth to an octopus (you see, she'd swallowed some octopus eggs while swimming). I untied her and gave her something to eat, but all I had in my fridge was Pop Rocks and cherry Coke and as soon as she had them, she exploded. Figuring I should save whatever part of the situation I could, I put the guy in my car and drove him to the hospital. On the way there, though, I was flashed by this guy behind me over and over again and when I finally stopped I found out that there was a serial killer in the backseat and the flashing was to warn me about him. I have no idea how a serial killer got into my backseat, but this is the second f--king time something like this has happened and I only recently got the severed hook hand out of my car door from the previous time. But I got into the hospital okay and it turned out the guy was fine except he seemed to have gotten AIDS from when he went to a movie theater the previous week and someone had put an infected needle in his seat. With that, I left.

In conclusion, which is better, Batman or Batman Forever?

Yours,
Indecisive.
Jaq
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Aug 23 2003, 11:38 AM)
Dear Jaq,

I woke up today in a bathtub full of ice and written in lipstick on the mirror were the words WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF AIDS, ALSO CALL 911. I waited a while though, because I was enjoying being chilled, given that a little while prior I had found some stickers at a playground with Mickey Mouse and stuff on them and they were laced with acid and I tripped out really bad, and after thinking I could fly I eventually did so much acid that I thought I was a glass of orange juice. Eventually I got out of the bathtub, discovering that I had lost my kidneys, and I had to take a crap but unfortunately there was an alligator in the toilet that someone had flushed into the sewers years ago. On the way out of this apartment I ran into Paul from the Wonder Years, who'd had his lower ribs removed so he could fellate himself. Which he was doing right in front of me! He also had his roommate's toothbrush in his ass and asked me if I'd take a picture. I made for the door, but had forgotten that today was Halloween and a bunch of trick-or-treaters were at the door. I gave them some apples with razorblades in them and ran like hell. When I got back to my place I found a man in a Batman mask lying unconscious on the floor and a screaming woman tied to the bed. While trying to explain what had happened, she suddenly gave birth to an octopus (you see, she'd swallowed some octopus eggs while swimming). I untied her and gave her something to eat, but all I had in my fridge was Pop Rocks and cherry Coke and as soon as she had them, she exploded. Figuring I should save whatever part of the situation I could, I put the guy in my car and drove him to the hospital. On the way there, though, I was flashed by this guy behind me over and over again and when I finally stopped I found out that there was a serial killer in the backseat and the flashing was to warn me about him. I have no idea how a serial killer got into my backseat, but this is the second f--king time something like this has happened and I only recently got the severed hook hand out of my car door from the previous time. But I got into the hospital okay and it turned out the guy was fine except he seemed to have gotten AIDS from when he went to a movie theater the previous week and someone had put an infected needle in his seat. With that, I left.

In conclusion, which is better, Batman or Batman Forever?

Yours,
Indecisive.

1) CommieBastard is my new best friend.

2) Batman. Definitely Batman.

Yours, Jaq
vicrawr
Dear Jaq,

My finger smells funny. And not for the reason most people would think. I touched something. I think it was dead. It wasn't moving, that's for sure. But then I hit it with a shovel, and it twitched. It turns out, it was dead, but the other thing inside it wasn't. It looked like the other thing inside it was hungry, and a little mad, because I hit it with a shovel. So then it chased me. But then I fell down. And it bit me on the finger. And then I killed it with the shovel. And when it was dead, I touched it. So now my finger smells funny and I'm wondering if it's from touching the first dead thing, getting bitten, or touching the second dead thing.

Smellilly yours,
Snickerdoodle.
Jaq
QUOTE (IrishGuy @ Aug 24 2003, 12:08 AM)
Dear Jaq,

My finger smells funny. And not for the reason most people would think. I touched something. I think it was dead. It wasn't moving, that's for sure. But then I hit it with a shovel, and it twitched. It turns out, it was dead, but the other thing inside it wasn't. It looked like the other thing inside it was hungry, and a little mad, because I hit it with a shovel. So then it chased me. But then I fell down. And it bit me on the finger. And then I killed it with the shovel. And when it was dead, I touched it. So now my finger smells funny and I'm wondering if it's from touching the first dead thing, getting bitten, or touching the second dead thing.

Smellilly yours,
Snickerdoodle.

Dear Smelly:

Well, there's a number of explanations for the odour of your finger. It could have something to do with touching the dead thing, getting bitten by nearly dead things or sticking your fingers where fingers shouldn't go. I think that you're not telling us where your fingers were outside of this incident. But I won't get into that. That's between you and your fingers and where you put your fingers is none of my never mind. The point is you need to get rid of the smell. Unless you like the smell. Okay. Let's assume for the moment that you don't like the smell. I recommend trying to drown out the smell by dousing your fingers in something that smells even stronger. Some examples might include pickled herring, gasoline, or mayonaise that's been sitting out in the sun for a few days. If that doesn't work you're going to have to cut your finger off. That sort of smell doesn't dissapear without some sort of washing liquid and god forbid you try washing your hands. That's a dangerous and extreme procedure best undertaken only by professionals. You're much better off simply cutting your finger off. You've got 9 digits left.

Jaq.
espresso_bean
Dear Jaq,

I am not yet 20, and find myself feeling a bit left out in the world where "real" people live. This problem is especially obnoxios at work - everyone wants to take me out drinking...but they CAN"T. Add to this annoying situation a massive attraction to a sexy, japanese, 28-year-old co-worker. Hrmmm...I hate my job. I love it, but I hate how I feel there at times. (To add more to this - I'm in a 2-year relationship where I feel ignored. It may be the reason I keep finding myself attracted to "other" people)

Sincerely,
too young for anything
Jaq
QUOTE (espresso_bean @ Aug 24 2003, 04:21 PM)
Dear Jaq,

I am not yet 20, and find myself feeling a bit left out in the world where "real" people live. This problem is especially obnoxios at work - everyone wants to take me out drinking...but they CAN"T. Add to this annoying situation a massive attraction to a sexy, japanese, 28-year-old co-worker. Hrmmm...I hate my job. I love it, but I hate how I feel there at times. (To add more to this - I'm in a 2-year relationship where I feel ignored. It may be the reason I keep finding myself attracted to "other" people)

Sincerely,
too young for anything

Dear young'un

There's a few things to do about the drinking thing.
1. Move out to a country or jurisdiction that allows 19 year olds to drink.
2. put your self in cryo stasis until your 20th birthday.
3. Dig a hole and live there until your 20th birthday. This might sound like #2 but it's really alot cheaper.
4. Get a fake ID.
5. Go out with your friends and don't drink. (I know it sounds weird but it can really happen. You can go in bars and everything and as long as you don't drink they won't kick you out)
6. Savour your youth.

Now, about your relationship I recommend talking to your significant other. Tell him/her that you feel ignored and that you would like to have some more attention. Perhaps s/he is going through a rough patch too? Talking about things usually helps although it'll probably be uncomfortable initially, in the long run it'll clear things up and you'll feel much more secure about where the relationship is heading.

Job trouble? Think about your job. Do you dislike the actual job or just the place where you work? If you don't like the actual job think about changing careers. If you just don't like the workplace it might have something to do with the fact that you're (I assume) the youngest person there and also have a crush on a co worker. you're going to have to deal with that because there's always going to be something that you don't like about each workplace and you have to be mature about it.

Jaq
WeeJ
Dear Jaq.

I work in a job I hate.
I am currently job hunting and having no luck what so ever. There's just nothing about.
What am I doing wrong?


WeeJ
x
Juiceisgood
Dearest Jaq,

I'm used to being ostracized in the street, it happens all the time and I just put it down the massive growth on the side of my face that looks like an upside down union jack, which is strange when you think about it because an upside down union jack looks like a right way up one. But today I was walking down the street as I usually do when I was set on fire but a giant top hat on these wheel things. I wanted to stop it but it was on those wheels I mentioned before and it rolled away laughing before I could give chase... that and I was set on fire. So I set about rolling around on the ground, you know? To try to put out the fire that was quickly melting all my flesh. Only problem was that all those thoughtless bastards leave their bubble gum on the street when they're done chewing and blowing bubbles with it. Anyway, my hair got stuck to the pavement all because of that sticky bubble gum that people just leave lying around for people to roll in. I was nearly in tears at the thought of cutting off a portion of my hair to separate myself from the concrete when I remembered that I was on fire and tried to roll around some more. The only problem there was that the rolling around just worked the chewing gum deeper into my hair. All the while a small cat crawled up to me and started telling me about how I really ought not to roll around in the middle of the street like that. I told the cat that I was set on fire by a giant top hat on some sort of wheels and then got my hair stuck in bubble gum as I tried to put it out. It just looked at me like I was crazy and stalked off. So I got back to trying to get that pesky bubble gum out of my hair, but I had another problem. That is that it was a really hot day. Not just a hot day, a real stinker which probably made that bubble gum stickier but that wasn’t the problem, the concrete was starting to melt and combined with the heat from my flaming clothes it only served to pin me down more. I was shocked at how easy the footpath can melt! But then I realized that I was on fire and tried to roll around more but I couldn’t, then that cat came back and told me to hold still… I thought it was going to help me get out of the footpath but it just pissed all over me and then started rubbing up against my flaming body and then I fell through the footpath (yes, I know, I was originally on the street) and into China. It was a lovely holiday.

Wish you were here,

Juice
the lil' pie fairy
dear jaq,

i haven't written to you before but i thought i might today.
i miss my better half terribly, he's in norfolk and i can't ring him or vice versa, and it's been about three days since we spoke sad.gif i've resorted to reading letters and things like that...we're too close to be apart, let alone unable to talk, and i was wondering if you have any ideas on how to avoid the pain.
secondly, at the same time the closeness scares me, as i've finally realised that he's crazy about me, and i know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. but i'm worried that he won't keep that idea forever, and i don't want to make him think nothing will ever go wrong because despite my age i know that things don't always go to plan dry.gif
but, i don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him outright i have no faith in long-term things (a bit stupid of me seeing as we made 13 months on friday)
the trouble is, i can see us being 20-something and still together, with a house etc. unsure.gif
thirdly (stop if this is causing you pain) i'm irrationally emotional at the moment, and need constant company and love/affection/friendly hugs etc, and i'm all alone until this evening sad.gif
what am i going to do?
luv char xx
CommieBastard
Dear Jaq,

VVes is e-engaged to both my e-spouses. I suspect he intends to kill me and take my skin. Is there any way I can prevent this?

Yours,
Rational.
Monkey the Rabid Red Rabbit
Dear Jaq
Okay then... Since the usual way I deal with things when I'm angry is spite, I'm thinking of exploring a new option. If you want to help, that is... I think that my boyfriend doesn't much care for me anymore. I still really love him, but I think he now hates me. And he said all of the time that he loved me. It's not fair. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Don't make me come and spite you!
magikeyes14
Dear Jaq,

Sometimes i feel like im the only one like me... when im with my friends, i feel like im the only one who doesnt give a damn about the new guy or what was on TRL yesterdae. Its not that im not interested in what they talk about, its more of i have different things on my mind. i keep replaying this awful moment in my head over and over... i cant seem to forget it... and on top of it all, i seem to be getting in a lot of fights.... i keep getting hurt and brused... i dont understand why... people just seem to want to pick fights with me right now, and i dont nesicerly want to fight with them, but sence they are starting it, i fight... and i keep getting hurt, little by little... first it wasnt much, then it keeps getting worse... why do they want to fight with me? can they sence that it is my time of weakness? why do i feel like im the only one who doesnt care? why arent the bruses fading? why cant i get this horrible movie out of my head? why does this dream keep haunting me night after night? why do i feel so lost and alone?

*sincerly*
Young and Hopless
Juiceisgood
Dear mr/mrs/miss/ms/master Jaq

You haven't been replying to everyone's problems. As a result I have lost all faith in society and have decided to go on a killing rampage. Who should I start with first?

Fish Hook Sam
Monkey the Rabid Red Rabbit
Ooh, ooh! Juice, pick me! Pick me!
Juiceisgood
*murders Monkey with a fish hook*
Tears.Of.Joy
Me next! *annoying pouty lip* pweeeeese?
Jaq
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Aug 26 2003, 05:24 AM)
Dear Jaq.

I work in a job I hate.
I am currently job hunting and having no luck what so ever. There's just nothing about.
What am I doing wrong?


WeeJ
x

Dear WeeJ

I recommend leaving your city and going off into the country to start your own anarcho syndacist colony type thing. That way you'll always have lots and lots to do.

Also do something with your hair. It scares me.


Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (Juiceisgood @ Aug 26 2003, 05:38 AM)
Dearest Jaq,

I'm used to being ostracized in the street, it happens all the time and I just put it down the massive growth on the side of my face that looks like an upside down union jack, which is strange when you think about it because an upside down union jack looks like a right way up one. But today I was walking down the street as I usually do when I was set on fire but a giant top hat on these wheel things. I wanted to stop it but it was on those wheels I mentioned before and it rolled away laughing before I could give chase... that and I was set on fire. So I set about rolling around on the ground, you know? To try to put out the fire that was quickly melting all my flesh. Only problem was that all those thoughtless bastards leave their bubble gum on the street when they're done chewing and blowing bubbles with it. Anyway, my hair got stuck to the pavement all because of that sticky bubble gum that people just leave lying around for people to roll in. I was nearly in tears at the thought of cutting off a portion of my hair to separate myself from the concrete when I remembered that I was on fire and tried to roll around some more. The only problem there was that the rolling around just worked the chewing gum deeper into my hair. All the while a small cat crawled up to me and started telling me about how I really ought not to roll around in the middle of the street like that. I told the cat that I was set on fire by a giant top hat on some sort of wheels and then got my hair stuck in bubble gum as I tried to put it out. It just looked at me like I was crazy and stalked off. So I got back to trying to get that pesky bubble gum out of my hair, but I had another problem. That is that it was a really hot day. Not just a hot day, a real stinker which probably made that bubble gum stickier but that wasn’t the problem, the concrete was starting to melt and combined with the heat from my flaming clothes it only served to pin me down more. I was shocked at how easy the footpath can melt! But then I realized that I was on fire and tried to roll around more but I couldn’t, then that cat came back and told me to hold still… I thought it was going to help me get out of the footpath but it just pissed all over me and then started rubbing up against my flaming body and then I fell through the footpath (yes, I know, I was originally on the street) and into China. It was a lovely holiday.

Wish you were here,

Juice

Juice.

For the love of Steve quit hanging out with philosophers, artists, mathematicians and Lewis Carrol. They're bad influences on you and will only lead you further down the path of weird thinking, cool acid trips and funny haircuts.

Try spending your time with accountants, beuracrats and customer service representatives. Actually...wait a second. Don't. Gah. Keep hanging out with Lewis Carrol. Anything's better than middle management. *shudder*

Jaq.

p.s. Did you cut the gum out or just style around it?

p.p.s. If you cut it out can I have it for my sculpture?

p.p.p. s. If you didn't cut it out can I take a picture?
Jaq
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Aug 26 2003, 06:31 AM)
dear jaq,

i haven't written to you before but i thought i might today.
i miss my better half terribly, he's in norfolk and i can't ring him or vice versa, and it's been about three days since we spoke sad.gif i've resorted to reading letters and things like that...we're too close to be apart, let alone unable to talk, and i was wondering if you have any ideas on how to avoid the pain.
secondly, at the same time the closeness scares me, as i've finally realised that he's crazy about me, and i know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. but i'm worried that he won't keep that idea forever, and i don't want to make him think nothing will ever go wrong because despite my age i know that things don't always go to plan dry.gif
but, i don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him outright i have no faith in long-term things (a bit stupid of me seeing as we made 13 months on friday)
the trouble is, i can see us being 20-something and still together, with a house etc. unsure.gif
thirdly (stop if this is causing you pain) i'm irrationally emotional at the moment, and need constant company and love/affection/friendly hugs etc, and i'm all alone until this evening sad.gif
what am i going to do?
luv char xx

Dear lil pie:

Awww...yer in love. Lemme just pinch your cheeks. tongue.gif Sorry, I couldn't resist. The movies and pop culture make love sound like the best thing including sliced bread but it can bring along a lot of difficult feelings, like anxiety, intense loneliness when the other person isn't around and even feelings of obsession. It can also make you feel like you're going crazy.

This will sound kind of trite but if you can try not to worry or think about it too much. Yeah right, easier said than done. If everything is going well, and you're both happy then I say stop worrying. Take the relationship one day at a time and for goodness sakes don't overthink things. Believe me. I wrecked more than one relationship by over thinking the situation. Bleh. Enjoy it day to day and if there's ever a day when you think of your future with him and draw a complete blank then that's the time to start overthinking things. Before then just enjoy it while it lasts.

Jaq.
Jaq
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Aug 28 2003, 01:34 PM)
Dear Jaq,

VVes is e-engaged to both my e-spouses. I suspect he intends to kill me and take my skin. Is there any way I can prevent this?

Yours,
Rational.

Dear...irrr...rational.

Yes. Ask him. Something like this "Oy! VVes! You planning on taking me spouses you son of a goat sucking prostitute?!" And if he says something along the lines of "Why yes actually, I plan not only on taking your e-spouses but also your livelihood, your manhood, your identity and also that nifty little thingamabob that you're so attached to." Then you can skin him. (beat him to the punch I say)actually if you plan on doing it, try using the correct terminology. It's called "flaying." Yeesh. And my mother said I was wasting my time watching "Buffy"

Guaranteed larger vocabulary, every episode
Jaq.
Jaq
QUOTE (Monkey the Rabid Red Rabbit @ Sep 6 2003, 04:42 PM)
Dear Jaq
Okay then... Since the usual way I deal with things when I'm angry is spite, I'm thinking of exploring a new option. If you want to help, that is... I think that my boyfriend doesn't much care for me anymore. I still really love him, but I think he now hates me. And he said all of the time that he loved me. It's not fair. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Don't make me come and spite you!

Dear Person I Fear somewhat:

This may sound like a wacky go nuts idea but why don't you talk to him about your concerns? You can start by saying something like "I've noticed that you don't seem very interested in me (or us) lately... what's the matter?"

That might work. Also from your letter you seem like you may be feeling a little insecure. You say that he tells you he loves you all the time but you still think that he hates you. Why do you think this? Are there things that he's doing that make you think he doesn't like you anymore? Has he said mean things to you? Or are you feeling some stress in another part of your life and it's starting to creep into your relationships? Please don't have the talk with him before you've ruled out stress in other parts of your life.

Jaq
Juiceisgood
QUOTE
Juice.

For the love of Steve quit hanging out with philosophers, artists, mathematicians and Lewis Carrol. They're bad influences on you and will only lead you further down the path of weird thinking, cool acid trips and funny haircuts.

Try spending your time with accountants, beuracrats and customer service representatives. Actually...wait a second. Don't. Gah. Keep hanging out with Lewis Carrol. Anything's better than middle management. *shudder*

Jaq.

p.s. Did you cut the gum out or just style around it?

p.p.s. If you cut it out can I have it for my sculpture?

p.p.p. s. If you didn't cut it out can I take a picture?




Dear Dearer Dearest,

Both Lewis and Steve love me and we're running away together. There's nothing you can do about it. But yes I understadn that middle management sucks. The gum and the foot path are still attached to my hair. You can't take any pictures but I'll try to get some on the photo album in the near future.

My problem today is that I'm sick and at home and unhappy because being sick ruined my last weekend by making me look... really sick, and feel... really sick. So I couldn't do anything when I had big plans and now it's tuesday and I'm still sick and it's not fair sad.gif

Inert gas, inertia, inertial guidance

AKA Juice
Jaq
QUOTE (Juiceisgood @ Sep 8 2003, 10:12 PM)
QUOTE
Juice.

For the love of Steve quit hanging out with philosophers, artists, mathematicians and Lewis Carrol. They're bad influences on you and will only lead you further down the path of weird thinking, cool acid trips and funny haircuts.

Try spending your time with accountants, beuracrats and customer service representatives. Actually...wait a second. Don't. Gah. Keep hanging out with Lewis Carrol. Anything's better than middle management. *shudder*

Jaq.

p.s. Did you cut the gum out or just style around it?

p.p.s. If you cut it out can I have it for my sculpture?

p.p.p. s. If you didn't cut it out can I take a picture?




Dear Dearer Dearest,

Both Lewis and Steve love me and we're running away together. There's nothing you can do about it. But yes I understadn that middle management sucks. The gum and the foot path are still attached to my hair. You can't take any pictures but I'll try to get some on the photo album in the near future.

My problem today is that I'm sick and at home and unhappy because being sick ruined my last weekend by making me look... really sick, and feel... really sick. So I couldn't do anything when I had big plans and now it's tuesday and I'm still sick and it's not fair sad.gif

Inert gas, inertia, inertial guidance

AKA Juice

Dearest Dear One.

Poor poor poor poor Juice. You should have soup and slush. Soup and slush make things all better. But don't put the soup in the slush or the slush in the soup. Then bad things happen. Also people give you weird looks and you get your own seat on the bus which isn't nessecarily a bad thing.

Yours, Jaq.
Juiceisgood
Dear Jaq,

Me is lonesome and it's a saturday night. I wasn't allowed to go out because of my parents, how can I defeat these evil overfiends?


Juice
Jaq
QUOTE (Juiceisgood @ Sep 20 2003, 09:24 AM)
Dear Jaq,

Me is lonesome and it's a saturday night. I wasn't allowed to go out because of my parents, how can I defeat these evil overfiends?


Juice

Dear Juice:

First, you must understand that your parents are only trying to blah blah blahhelp you blah blah blah protect you blah blah blah...okay. Even I don't believe that stuff. Now. To defeat the evil over fiends there are several ways to go about it. First you can try to suck up to them. Do the dishes, stop sitting on your younger siblings and let the dog out from under the bed. All these things will go far in making the parental units appreciate you more. If that doesn't work try to talk to them. say "Hey mum and dad, can I go out tonight?" If that radical approach doesn't work phone a friend quikly and tell them to phone you back. Then when they phone you back talk to them for a few minujtes in quiet hushed tones. After you hang up tell your parents that it's imperative that you go out tonight because your friends cat/TV/younger sibling has climbed a tree/exploded/gotten sick (use any other these options in any combination) and it's vitally urgent that you go over there right now to help out. If that doesn't work just try sprinting for the door. I recommend putting on your shoes and coat out of sight and only at the last possible second run for the door. If they still manage somehow to harpoon you, fear not be3cause you have at least one other option. If (like my parents) your parents go to bed early you can still leave after they've gone to sleep. If all else fails sneak out the back door or window.

Thoroughly Corrupting the Nation's Youth,
Jaq
WeeJ
QUOTE (Jaq @ Sep 9 2003, 03:25 AM)
Also do something with your hair. It scares me.

What's scary about my hair? Its long and dark and...hair looking huh.gif
Jaq
QUOTE (WeeJ @ Sep 22 2003, 09:57 AM)
QUOTE (Jaq @ Sep 9 2003, 03:25 AM)
Also do something with your hair.  It scares me.

What's scary about my hair? Its long and dark and...hair looking huh.gif

Erm...ah...oh...

Hey! Look over there!

/me runs away
FurryMammal
Dear Jaq,

I hear that our friend the humble peanut causes people to ask stupid questions. I have eaten many peanuts in my time and i am concerned for my own health and safety, in fact im eating some now.

Also... have you noticed how smilies are nearly always yellow? i have.

What can i do? i dont want to stop eating peanuts, but i dont want people laughing at my stupid questions behind my back.

yours sincerely,
A Hungry Youth
Jaq
QUOTE (FurryMammal @ Sep 23 2003, 10:57 AM)
Dear Jaq,

I hear that our friend the humble peanut causes people to ask stupid questions. I have eaten many peanuts in my time and i am concerned for my own health and safety, in fact im eating some now.

Also... have you noticed how smilies are nearly always yellow? i have.

What can i do? i dont want to stop eating peanuts, but i dont want people laughing at my stupid questions behind my back.

yours sincerely,
A Hungry Youth

Dear Young Hungry:

If you insist on eating peanuts, I recommend eating on peanut butter. The crushing process takes away the peanuts power over you and thus peanut butter is safe. Although on the other hand if you do stop eating peanuts then you can only blame your stupid questions on yourself. Think about it. Wouldn't you like to have a scapegoat? I know I would. Mine keep running away and slapping me with restraining orders. It'd be nice to have one that can't run away.

yes. I *have* noticed that nearly all smilies are yellow. I think the other ones started out yellow but cruel little boys dyed them with food colouring and now they're forever in a state of non yellowness. It may look like the wub.gif smiley is in love but it's actually plotting revenge. I know I look that happy when I'm plotting revenge.

yours in Paranoia, Jaq
CommieBastard
Dearest Jaq,

Prince Aries won't admit how sexalicious he looks. How can I convince him?

Yours in Ernest,

Teh Commay.
Jaq
QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Sep 24 2003, 12:04 PM)
Dearest Jaq,

Prince Aries won't admit how sexalicious he looks. How can I convince him?

Yours in Ernest,

Teh Commay.

commie:

ohmy.gif You get out of Ernest before I get out the hose again. Please, there are children around!

I recommend convincing Aries by showing him pictures of water buffalo and wart hogs beside pictures of himself. There's no way that a wart hog is sexier than him. Unless youre another wart hog. Then things just might get awkward.

Yours in Kurt, Jaq
Pikasyuu
Dear auntie Jaq --

First, Aries really is sexy. My lesbian sister swooned when she saw him, I believe that's proof enough. Second, I don't really have a PROBLEM problem persay, I was just feeling very low these last few days, and after the IRC incident, even worse. So writing you makes me feel better, since your responses are always flowery, personalized, and loving. I appreciate your detication Agony aunt, and you'll always be my favourite evil auntie in the whole wide world forever and ever. biggrin.gif

- eternally in your service, evil agony niece syuu
Pab
Dear Jaq,

The earth is round. And I can prove it. It is getting in the way of e-life. I dont need advice. Just DO something about it!


yours,

Always in the dark
Jaq
QUOTE (Pab @ Sep 25 2003, 04:09 AM)
Dear Jaq,

The earth is round. And I can prove it. It is getting in the way of e-life. I dont need advice. Just DO something about it!


yours,

Always in the dark

Dear Dark Side

Erm...I'm not quite sure what you want me to do about it....so I'll resort of violence!

/me stomps on earth to flatten it out gets bored and starts reading things she finds on the ground

Ooo! A deluxe condom! I'd sure like to live in one of those things.

Yours, Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Sep 24 2003, 12:24 PM)
Dear auntie Jaq --

First, Aries really is sexy. My lesbian sister swooned when she saw him, I believe that's proof enough. Second, I don't really have a PROBLEM problem persay, I was just feeling very low these last few days, and after the IRC incident, even worse. So writing you makes me feel better, since your responses are always flowery, personalized, and loving. I appreciate your detication Agony aunt, and you'll always be my favourite evil auntie in the whole wide world forever and ever. biggrin.gif

- eternally in your service, evil agony niece syuu

Dearest evil neice:

When you're getting low in the world just remember one thing. You're my most favouritest evil e neice in the world and you always and forever will be. Mostly because you're the only evil e neice I have and I can afford to play favourites without fear of plotting and revenge from my other evil e neices. But even if there were a million kajillion dozen google more evil e neices in the world you'd still be my favourite. (but don't tell the others)

On a different note: Tell Aries he's sexy, I saw the picture in the photo album. Not bad looking at all if I do say so myself. And that's coming from the queen of understatement.

Your Evil Aunt, Jaq

p.s. I wonder if the queen of understatement gets a crown...

p.p.s. If she does I bet it's not very ornate...
FurryMammal
QUOTE (Jaq @ Sep 25 2003, 06:23 PM)
p.s. I wonder if the queen of understatement gets a crown...

p.p.s. If she does I bet it's not very ornate...

its probably "...sorta pretty, i suppose"
CrissiLove
Dear Wonderful and Wise Jaq,

I really could use some help here. I seem to be in some sort of vicious cycle, and I don't know how to stop it. There is somebody who did a lot to hurt me not too long ago, and I can't get over it. There for a while, I was a complete and utter wreck. For the most part, I am better now. Well, at least in comparison to the way I was.... I will be fine all day and then, all of the sudden, things will go downhill. Every single time I talk with him, I alternate between getting really mad and yelling at him, or crying uncontrollably until I'm just this big, wet, choking mess. I need to stop this. I'm making him miserable... and I'm miserable. I don't want to be like this anymore. How can I stop? It's easy to say I don't want to get so angry anymore.... It's easy to say I will stop crying over things I can't change. I just can't seem to do it.... Do you have any advice...?

Thank you,
Desperate Me
Jaq
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Oct 14 2003, 04:39 PM)
Dear Wonderful and Wise Jaq,

I really could use some help here. I seem to be in some sort of vicious cycle, and I don't know how to stop it. There is somebody who did a lot to hurt me not too long ago, and I can't get over it. There for a while, I was a complete and utter wreck. For the most part, I am better now. Well, at least in comparison to the way I was.... I will be fine all day and then, all of the sudden, things will go downhill. Every single time I talk with him, I alternate between getting really mad and yelling at him, or crying uncontrollably until I'm just this big, wet, choking mess. I need to stop this. I'm making him miserable... and I'm miserable. I don't want to be like this anymore. How can I stop? It's easy to say I don't want to get so angry anymore.... It's easy to say I will stop crying over things I can't change. I just can't seem to do it.... Do you have any advice...?

Thank you,
Desperate Me

Dear Crissi:

It's simple but also a difficult thing that you have to do. If he is who I think he is then there's no other solution. If you've tried many different things with him and you have found that you two are just not compatible you have to resort of drastic measures. Stop all contact with this person. Tell him that you don't want to speak to him, see him, get phone calls from him. No contact with him at all. He makes your life miserable and he doesn't sound that happy about talking to you. Why beat a dead horse? Get away from him. Let this relationship go. Tell your family and friends that he's no longer welcome at your house and that you'd prefer not to have him at social functions. Please Crissi, don't let him back into your life. He's not worth it. Anyone that always makes you angry or depressed is not someone that you want in your life. Surround yourself with people that make you feel worthy. Don't let him hurt you anymore. You said things can't change, it sounds like you've accepted that the situation is never going to get better, now you have to take action on that. You can either roll over and spend the rest of your life fighting with this person or you can take a stand and tell him to get out of your life.
Sincerely, Jaq
CrissiLove
Thank you for your advice, Jaq. Things are just really difficult and complicated.... I appreciate you listening to me and offering good advice. Thank you!
Jaq
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Oct 14 2003, 04:58 PM)
Thank you for your advice, Jaq. Things are just really difficult and complicated.... I appreciate you listening to me and offering good advice. Thank you!

I hope I helped. I know it's much easier to give advice than to take it. *hugs*
Jaq
Bumping this thread just for the heck of it.
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Nov 19 2003, 03:00 PM)
Bumping this thread just for the heck of it.

Dear Jaq,

People I've never met keep posting questions to me on the interweb. Why is this, and how do you think I should go about writing a book based on the experience, thereby getting richer than the Queen, and live on champagne, beef jerky and videogames for the rest of my life?

Yours,

Spendthrift Jon
Jaq
QUOTE (Jonman @ Nov 19 2003, 04:42 PM)
Dear Jaq,

People I've never met keep posting questions to me on the interweb. Why is this, and how do you think I should go about writing a book based on the experience, thereby getting richer than the Queen, and live on champagne, beef jerky and videogames for the rest of my life?

Yours,

Spendthrift Jon

Dear Monjan:

Oo! A two parter. Right, first why? Why you? Why do people think you've got a monopoly on (or at least a sizeable chunk of) the wisdom? Well they don't. Nope. Your thread (and mine to put it plainly) are just a miniature forum for people to display to other's just how *darn* clever they are. Sure some actually want some advice but those poor lost souls are few, far between and misguided. Now, how would one go about writing on these experiences? I recommend some sort of writing contraption combined with large amounts of alcohol, a small white faced capichan monkey and a small pair of sewing scissors. These things, in addition to an unlimited amount of time will sooner or later (if I know my chaos theory, and I'm pretty sure I don't) combine to form the greatest - and by extension best selling - novel of all time Send some beef jerky my way when you hit it big.

Sincerely (no really), Jaq
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Nov 19 2003, 03:59 PM)
Dear Monjan:

Oo! A two parter. Right, first why? Why you? Why do people think you've got a monopoly on (or at least a sizeable chunk of) the wisdom? Well they don't. Nope. Your thread (and mine to put it plainly) are just a miniature forum for people to display to other's just how *darn* clever they are. Sure some actually want some advice but those poor lost souls are few, far between and misguided. Now, how would one go about writing on these experiences? I recommend some sort of writing contraption combined with large amounts of alcohol, a small white faced capichan monkey and a small pair of sewing scissors. These things, in addition to an unlimited amount of time will sooner or later (if I know my chaos theory, and I'm pretty sure I don't) combine to form the greatest - and by extension best selling - novel of all time Send some beef jerky my way when you hit it big.

Sincerely (no really), Jaq

Teriyaki or Hickory-Smoked?
Jaq
What about honey garlic?
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