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Pikasyuu
Dear Jaq:

I get crushes. And then I'm obsessive about said crushes. And then I stalk said crushes. Then said crushes like me, and I lose interest.

Oreos or Chips Ahoy?
Jaq
QUOTE (syuu @ Nov 19 2003, 07:17 PM)
Dear Jaq:

I get crushes. And then I'm obsessive about said crushes. And then I stalk said crushes. Then said crushes like me, and I lose interest.

Oreos or Chips Ahoy?

Syuu:

Oh Chips Ahoy, please! Anywho. What you've got here is a classic case of...erm.. something bad. You want what you can't have and as soon as you can have it, you don't want it. Either that or you're just in love with the thrill of the chase. Whatever the case may be you're messed up. Try getting to know some guys as friends first, then if you're interested in them ask them out. They won't seem nearly as boring after you get to know them as people rather than as just vague romantic ideals in your head. (but I might be assuming too much) In either case, these are some fine cookies. Thanks very much!

munch munch munch, Jaq
oobunnie
Dear Jaq,

As it is now winter I need to buy a new coat, but I'm split. Should I get one of the old faithful Board Dokter Jackets with there great heating longer tail and air pockets(which can also act as extra pockets), or one of them new fancy columbia Jackets that have many layers (4 in total if I remember correctly).

sincerely very cold canadian.
Jaq
QUOTE (oobunnie @ Nov 20 2003, 02:27 PM)
Dear Jaq,

As it is now winter I need to buy a new coat, but I'm split. Should I get one of the old faithful Board Dokter Jackets with there great heating longer tail and air pockets(which can also act as extra pockets), or one of them new fancy columbia Jackets that have many layers (4 in total if I remember correctly).

sincerely very cold canadian.

Cherished Chilly Compatriot:

Well what do you really want in a jacket? I assume you want one that fits and keeps you warm. Not too many people look for an ill fitting drafty coat, although I have seen witless wonders wearing jean jackets and shorts in 40 below weather... But you want a warm one! I recommend the Board Doktor. It has various pockets which are useful in storing both sandwich and non sandwich products, a longer tail that you can sit on if you should ever happen to venture outside. Also, jacket company is spelled funny! I mean just look at that name! Oh mercy... You see, they used a K instead of a C and now it's all funkified. Now that's clever.

the 4 in 1 jackets aren't all they're cracked up to be. They're too short, the layers twist about, and you can wear it all year long which means that you don't get a chance to buy another jacket for spring. And that's just sad. Also they make you (me) look like a nylon wrapped top heavy sausage. With legs.

Yours, Sadder and Wiser, Jaq
Phyllis
Dear Auntie Jaq,

I don't want to do my homework. I am sick and just want to lay in bed and such. Will you do it for me? Please? I'll give you a cookie (don't worry, I'm not contagious).

Hopefully yours,
Candita.
Jaq
QUOTE (candice @ Nov 20 2003, 05:46 PM)
Dear Auntie Jaq,

I don't want to do my homework. I am sick and just want to lay in bed and such. Will you do it for me? Please? I'll give you a cookie (don't worry, I'm not contagious).

Hopefully yours,
Candita.

Dear Candita:

A cookie, eh? What sort of cookie? Is this cookie covered in gold and have sparkly diamond chips, saphirre filling and a chocolatey cream centre? Does it? DOES IT?! Hmmmm? I think not. I think I've made my point. Good day.

Procrastinating, Jaquita.
acidteardrop
dear jaq,

hmm...how do i know i can trust you? seems awful ketchy to me. oh well, il tell you my problem and you can tell me to commit seppuku or whatever.

you see, i live over here in Massachusetts on teh east coast, but the love of my life lives in California on the west coast. I'd do ANYTHING to see her as soon as i can...but therein lies the problem. since im not allowed to do anything going to California for a weekend is out of the question. what should i do?

yours truly,
Anonymous
Jaq
QUOTE (acidteardrop @ Nov 21 2003, 07:11 AM)
dear jaq,

hmm...how do i know i can trust you? seems awful ketchy to me. oh well, il tell you my problem and you can tell me to commit seppuku or whatever.

you see, i live over here in Massachusetts on teh east coast, but the love of my life lives in California on the west coast. I'd do ANYTHING to see her as soon as i can...but therein lies the problem. since im not allowed to do anything going to California for a weekend is out of the question. what should i do?

yours truly,
Anonymous

Dear Anon:

Well, I'm sorry to say, there's not too much you can do. You're a minor and as a minor you have to do what your parents or gaurdians tell you to do. It sucks, but that's just the way things are. If you really love this girl though, it won't matter how far apart you two are. Long distance relationships can work, but it takes sacrafice and maturity from both people.

I know this probably didn't help too much, but that's all I've got.. (And yes, I do take some problems seriously!)

Jaq
Debaser
Dear Jaq,

One of my various younger cousins is coming around to the house tonight. Naturally, I will be tormented in every shape and form until I'm dragged kicking and screaming away from my laptop. Without resorting to locking everyone inside a cupboard until it's time to go home, what can I do to prevent this?

Yours,
Scared of small children.
LoLo
Dear Miss Jaq,

What do you do if a spider monkey is trying to swing from your light fixtures and poos all over the carpet?

Sincerely,
Me
Jaq
QUOTE (Debaser @ Nov 21 2003, 09:55 AM)
Dear Jaq,

One of my various younger cousins is coming around to the house tonight. Naturally, I will be tormented in every shape and form until I'm dragged kicking and screaming away from my laptop. Without resorting to locking everyone inside a cupboard until it's time to go home, what can I do to prevent this?

Yours,
Scared of small children.

Dear Scared:

Well, there's a few things that you could do to occupy this little darling. One involves heavy doses of sleeping pills* but thanks to my lawyers, I'm not supposed to discuss that... Another thing to do with the little..erm.. angel would be to tell them as soon as they get there, that you've devised an elaborate game in the form of riddles and clues strewn around the house and neighbourhood leading them to a fantastic prize at the end. Then give them a peice of paper with an incromprehensible phrase on it. Watch them go nuts with trying to find the next clue. Yet another thing would be to lock yourself in the bathroom with your laptop, emitting long suffering groans to anyone who knocks.

Been there, done that, Jaq




*Agony Inc. does not endorse the practice of drugging annoying people, but will conveniently look the other way if you should happen to
Jaq
QUOTE (LoLo @ Nov 21 2003, 09:58 AM)
Dear Miss Jaq,

What do you do if a spider monkey is trying to swing from your light fixtures and poos all over the carpet?

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Me:

A spider monkey, hmm? Well... now if it had been a capuchin or a lemer I would've had to refer you to the Agony Uncle, but seeing as how it's a spider monkey, I think the Agony Aunt can help you right quick.

First you have to understand that the spider monkey is on a quest. It wants something. Now, it's not very smart, so it thinks it can get that something by pooing on your rug. It's probably hungry. It's telling you that it's done with the food it ate awhile ago and now it wants more food (I told you it wasn't very smart) Now the best thing to do is to lie on the ground and make noises like a banana. This will lure the monkey close enough so you can grab it, put a diaper on it and sell it to the circus. This may not make it happy, but what do you care? You've just made a cool couple hundred bucks to blow on steam cleaning your rug. It all evens out in the end.

Happy Monkey Catching
Yours, Jaq
Phyllis
Dear Jaquita,

I fear I may have royally screwed up. As in -- I may fail Music. I'm also not too confident about my Philosophy grade. I'll be lucky to get a C in either one. I thought Music would be an easy grade...but I just don't understand any of the stuff in the later chapters.

Are you sure you won't do it for me?

In big trouble,
Candita.
Jaq
QUOTE (candice @ Nov 21 2003, 11:45 AM)
Dear Jaquita,

I fear I may have royally screwed up. As in -- I may fail Music. I'm also not too confident about my Philosophy grade. I'll be lucky to get a C in either one. I thought Music would be an easy grade...but I just don't understand any of the stuff in the later chapters.

Are you sure you won't do it for me?

In big trouble,
Candita.

Candita:

Um..no... but I can give you some hints that I've learned from my (really not very) extensive training in music for writing a peice.
1) Start and end on middle C. It'll make the peice sound complete if you end on the same note you began with.
2) Stick to whole, half, quarter and eighth notes. Don't try to use any sixteenth notes or any weird rythms.
3) Write in 4/4 time. It's the simplest and most familiar. Most rock songs and nursery rhymes are done in 4/4 time.


For theory, when in doubt be prententious. Music people love prentention in themselves and fear it in other people. If you're more pretentious than your music prof you can scare him/her into giving you a pretty decent mark, even if you don't know jack. Actually that works for Philosophy too..

Philosophy: when writing an essay make sure that at least two other people read it for you. That way they can point out any logical holes that you might have. Try to do at least most of your readings and show up to all your classes. The prof usually explains what you missed...

That is all I have to offer. Take what you will. Throw out what you won't. Tell me to go to hell. It's all the same to me!

Jaquita
Phyllis
Dear Jaquita,

My schoolwork actually seems to be going okay..so hurray for that! My problem today is excessively mushy couples. I don't understand it. Why must they gush over each other in a crazy saliva fest and call each other honey-lips or similar in front of everyone else?! It's just icky. I'm glad I'm not diabetic...though I'm wondering if all this sugary-sweetness may break my streak of never having a cavity. dry.gif

I bring this up because I went to the grocery store earlier and I ran into a friend of mine and her new boyfriend. All I have to say is...ew. I understand a new relationship being exciting, and wanting to hang all over each other or whatever...that's fine...but some people just take it over the edge. I was ready to slap her in the head with a frozen turkey if she giggled one more time.

Am I being unfair to mushy people? Is it wrong that I am so tempted to roll my eyes at them? How can I stop being irritated by these people and/or cause them excessive pain?

Yours,
Candita
Fluffy
Dear Jaq,

(Just as a notice for the confused, this is a serious question not a joke)
There is a girl I love. I have know her two years, been a good friend of hers for 1 year, and realized I loved her about 3 months ago. How should I ask her out? Poetry, just plain "Wanna go out?" (probably not), or what? Right now one of my best friends (also her good friend) is, at random intervals, inconspicuously emphasizing my good points to her, if that matters. I need an answer since I'm so awkward in social situations that I can't answer it for myself.

Sincerely,
Fluffy the Hopeless Romantic

(NOTE: advice from those who can give it besides Jaq is welcome as well)
CrissiLove
Dear Jaq,

Exactly how much trouble would I be in if I had my sister knocked off before her anniversary four years from now?

*outraged* She is going to ask her husband for another wedding ceremony--which I think is a great idea... EXCEPT for the fact that she has completely stolen my dream wedding for this. I have been thinking about the wedding I want for years. I have it all planned out. And she just stole every single idea I have told her and my mom about. Oh, wait, she did change one of the colors. dry.gif Okay, so maybe I don't have anyone to be the groom.... rolleyes.gif That's not the point! LOL

So, how much trouble do you think I would be in?

Thank you,
Looking for a Hitman


(PS: For anyone I have scared, tell the police officer you're speaking with to forget about it. I would never really have my sister killed. tongue.gif lol)
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Dec 5 2003, 03:55 PM)
Dear Jaq,

Exactly how much trouble would I be in if I had my sister knocked off before her anniversary four years from now?

*outraged* She is going to ask her husband for another wedding ceremony--which I think is a great idea... EXCEPT for the fact that she has completely stolen my dream wedding for this. I have been thinking about the wedding I want for years. I have it all planned out. And she just stole every single idea I have told her and my mom about. Oh, wait, she did change one of the colors. dry.gif Okay, so maybe I don't have anyone to be the groom.... rolleyes.gif That's not the point! LOL

So, how much trouble do you think I would be in?

Thank you,
Looking for a Hitman


(PS: For anyone I have scared, tell the police officer you're speaking with to forget about it. I would never really have my sister killed. tongue.gif lol)

Dear Crissi -
Albeit, I'm not the agony aunt, but I am the niece. I propose this solution:

I'll be your groom and we can get married right quick! I shine up nicely in a suit and I promise to be a very chivalrous, as masculine as possible, sweet and charming husband. I may not be able to bear your children, but I promise I'll put a smile on your face every single day. =)

- agony niece syuu
CrissiLove
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 4 2003, 11:15 PM)
Dear Crissi -
Albeit, I'm not the agony aunt, but I am the niece. I propose this solution:

I'll be your groom and we can get married right quick! I shine up nicely in a suit and I promise to be a very chivalrous, as masculine as possible, sweet and charming husband. I may not be able to bear your children, but I promise I'll put a smile on your face every single day. =)

- agony niece syuu

Dear Syuu,

You are an absolute lifesaver! Get your suit ready! biggrin.gif You don't mind having a Christmas wedding, do you? LOL

Thank you,
Now Needing a Maid of Honor
LoLo
Dear Auntie Jaq,

I think this guy who works at the Rent A Center down the street likes me. He's a friend of a friend of mine and used to DJ at a strip club. I remember when I worked at the music store he would come in and talk to me for hours on end about music. I would usually take crap from my crew over flirting with him, but hey he's cute as hell in my book. Anyways he works down the street from me now at my new job and in the past week I've had to walk by his shop twice to go get copies made. The first time I walked by there was a freshly smoked ciggy butt still burning on the sidewalk (yes he smokes) so I think he may have come out to see where I went. Today I walked by to go get copies made and he was seen walking in front of my store shortly after, so perhaps he was trying to figure out where I work. The only reason I know he was walking by my store is cause some lady who I work with saw him, and even without knowing this was a guy I've thought was cute for quite some time figured out by the 3 piercings in his eyebrow, cool tattoo up his neck, and spikey blonde hair, that this would be a guy that I would find attractive. Then when I said something about him working she told me.

So here's my question: Oni says he thinks the guy likes me. I kind of think the guy likes me. Do you think he likes me? and if so what do I do? I can't afford to go rent to own a big screen tv for 8 times the amount I would get it if I bought it straight out so I have no excuse to go in the store.
Tigersong
Dear Jaq,

I have this really annoying friend who got introduced me to a certain web forum, after which I became addicted to it instead of studying for my exams.

My question is, would it be wrong to beat her to death with a spork?

Sincerely,
Vengeful in Canada
CrissiLove
Dear Jaq,

I seem to have trouble sleeping lately. Would you mind coming over to my house every night to knock me over the head with a baseball bat so I could go to sleep?

Thank you,
Wanting Sleep
Pab
QUOTE (LoLo @ Dec 5 2003, 05:43 AM)
Dear Auntie Jaq,

So here's my question:  Oni says he thinks the guy likes me.  I kind of think the guy likes me.  Do you think he likes me?  and if so what do I do?  I can't afford to go rent to own a big screen tv for 8 times the amount I would get it if I bought it straight out so I have no excuse to go in the store.

2 words: bare-faced up-frontery. Is that 2? Are they words? ... whoa cares ... tis still the way forward.
You go in, you say 'hey, nice tattoo, how about meeting for a ciggy-break?' ... or something and WHAM job done... no doubts left, and its only a ciggy-break .... (any bike-sheds in your area?)





(edit: woops, got carried away there a bit, forgot it was the agony-aunt thread ... sorry auntie)
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Dec 5 2003, 04:30 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 4 2003, 11:15 PM)
Dear Crissi -
Albeit, I'm not the agony aunt, but I am the niece. I propose this solution:

I'll be your groom and we can get married right quick! I shine up nicely in a suit and I promise to be a very chivalrous, as masculine as possible, sweet and charming husband. I may not be able to bear your children, but I promise I'll put a smile on your face every single day. =)

- agony niece syuu

Dear Syuu,

You are an absolute lifesaver! Get your suit ready! biggrin.gif You don't mind having a Christmas wedding, do you? LOL

Thank you,
Now Needing a Maid of Honor

Dearest Crissi-Love -
Oh! I'm so happy! I'll be ready and on time. Christmas weddings are wonderful, darling, anything for you!

<3
-syuu
porcelainwarrior
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 5 2003, 02:10 PM)
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Dec 5 2003, 04:30 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 4 2003, 11:15 PM)
Dear Crissi -
Albeit, I'm not the agony aunt, but I am the niece. I propose this solution:

I'll be your groom and we can get married right quick! I shine up nicely in a suit and I promise to be a very chivalrous, as masculine as possible, sweet and charming husband. I may not be able to bear your children, but I promise I'll put a smile on your face every single day. =)

- agony niece syuu

Dear Syuu,

You are an absolute lifesaver! Get your suit ready! biggrin.gif You don't mind having a Christmas wedding, do you? LOL

Thank you,
Now Needing a Maid of Honor

Dearest Crissi-Love -
Oh! I'm so happy! I'll be ready and on time. Christmas weddings are wonderful, darling, anything for you!

<3
-syuu

yay! more weddings! wel...i dont feel qualified to be a maid-of-honour but if syuu's the groom then can i be your best man? if youll have me...

yours - in fear of rejection
Pab
Dear auntie,

Perhaps you could explain ....
















THIS ... !




yours,

HandsOffMyPet
leopold
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Dec 5 2003, 04:30 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 4 2003, 11:15 PM)
Dear Crissi -
Albeit, I'm not the agony aunt, but I am the niece. I propose this solution:

I'll be your groom and we can get married right quick! I shine up nicely in a suit and I promise to be a very chivalrous, as masculine as possible, sweet and charming husband. I may not be able to bear your children, but I promise I'll put a smile on your face every single day. =)

- agony niece syuu

Dear Syuu,

You are an absolute lifesaver! Get your suit ready! biggrin.gif You don't mind having a Christmas wedding, do you? LOL

Thank you,
Now Needing a Maid of Honor

GAH!!! mad.gif

How did I manage ta miss out on such a golden opportunity?? An missin out to syuu as well???

/me bangs head against the wall in frustration

Oooh, well that's cleared me sinuses! Can I be maid of honour then?
Jonman
QUOTE (leopold @ Dec 5 2003, 10:08 AM)
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Dec 5 2003, 04:30 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 4 2003, 11:15 PM)
Dear Crissi -
Albeit, I'm not the agony aunt, but I am the niece. I propose this solution:

I'll be your groom and we can get married right quick! I shine up nicely in a suit and I promise to be a very chivalrous, as masculine as possible, sweet and charming husband. I may not be able to bear your children, but I promise I'll put a smile on your face every single day. =)

- agony niece syuu

Dear Syuu,

You are an absolute lifesaver! Get your suit ready! biggrin.gif You don't mind having a Christmas wedding, do you? LOL

Thank you,
Now Needing a Maid of Honor

GAH!!! mad.gif

How did I manage ta miss out on such a golden opportunity?? An missin out to syuu as well???

/me bangs head against the wall in frustration

Oooh, well that's cleared me sinuses! Can I be maid of honour then?

I've always pictured Leo as more a flower girl myself....
Jaq
QUOTE (Pab @ Dec 5 2003, 08:32 AM)
Dear auntie,

Perhaps you could explain ....
THIS ... !




yours,

HandsOffMyPet

Dear Pab:

Obviously the people who made that sign like their meat. I've never actually seen that sign before, but it has my home town's name on it... Erm... It had a moose on the sign... I've never eaten moose, though I have had some lovely deer sausage and pepperoni. Wonder if they have deer sausage at that restaurant or butcher? Hmmmm....
There are lots of restuarants in Saskatoon... Though I don't think (unlike what my distinguished friend here) that it's an advert for the restaurants of the city. I'm so confused. It's not a common name. I don't know. I just don't know.

Congratulations Pab, you've succeeded in confusing the agony aunt. Now you just have to hope that the earth doesn't open up and swallow you whole with the demons and the pitchforks and the ow ow ow the pain the pain of it all.

Yours, Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (candice @ Nov 24 2003, 06:57 PM)
Dear Jaquita,

My schoolwork actually seems to be going okay..so hurray for that! My problem today is excessively mushy couples. I don't understand it. Why must they gush over each other in a crazy saliva fest and call each other honey-lips or similar in front of everyone else?! It's just icky. I'm glad I'm not diabetic...though I'm wondering if all this sugary-sweetness may break my streak of never having a cavity. dry.gif

I bring this up because I went to the grocery store earlier and I ran into a friend of mine and her new boyfriend. All I have to say is...ew. I understand a new relationship being exciting, and wanting to hang all over each other or whatever...that's fine...but some people just take it over the edge. I was ready to slap her in the head with a frozen turkey if she giggled one more time.

Am I being unfair to mushy people? Is it wrong that I am so tempted to roll my eyes at them? How can I stop being irritated by these people and/or cause them excessive pain?

Yours,
Candita

Dear Cand:

Don't you worry. Mushy people are annoying, but if you look at the world of food you'll soon realize that the mushiness won't last forever. Let me explain. You have something mushy. Let's say...pudding. The pudding's all sweet and mushy and liquidy and stuff. Sure it's nice for a bowl or two of, but you don't want to be eating it for the rest of your life. So you eat a bowl or two and then you forget to cover it up and put it back in the fridge. You leave it out over night. Then it get's that weird crust thing. Just like young love that soon grows old. From mushy to crusty.

Damn. All these food metaphors are making me hungry.

Anyways. Don't worry too much about that dang young love, eventually one of them will forget to put it back in the fridge and it'll get crusty, just like you and me!

Going off the get Breakfast Now, Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (Fluffy @ Nov 26 2003, 10:24 PM)
Dear Jaq,

(Just as a notice for the confused, this is a serious question not a joke)
There is a girl I love. I have know her two years, been a good friend of hers for 1 year, and realized I loved her about 3 months ago. How should I ask her out? Poetry, just plain "Wanna go out?" (probably not), or what? Right now one of my best friends (also her good friend) is, at random intervals, inconspicuously emphasizing my good points to her, if that matters. I need an answer since I'm so awkward in social situations that I can't answer it for myself.

Sincerely,
Fluffy the Hopeless Romantic

(NOTE: advice from those who can give it besides Jaq is welcome as well)

Dear Hopeless:

This is just my personal opinion, but I say ask her out plainly. If you give her poetry or get down on one knee or something similar that puts too much pressure on the girl and makes both of you nervous. If you ask her out plainly say "I really like you and I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me" or something similar. That way if she doesn't want to go out then you can still salvage your friendship. But if you do the poetry thing and she doesn't want to go out with you then there's going to be awkwardness in the extreme.

Jaq

p.s. if you're getting really strong signals from her and you're absolutely sure she's interested then do some sort of poetry or romantic thing. But only then!
Jonman
QUOTE (Jaq @ Dec 5 2003, 10:33 AM)
QUOTE (candice @ Nov 24 2003, 06:57 PM)
Dear Jaquita,

My schoolwork actually seems to be going okay..so hurray for that!  My problem today is excessively mushy couples.  I don't understand it.  Why must they gush over each other in a crazy saliva fest and call each other honey-lips or similar in front of everyone else?!  It's just icky.  I'm glad I'm not diabetic...though I'm wondering if all this sugary-sweetness may break my streak of never having a cavity.  dry.gif

I bring this up because I went to the grocery store earlier and I ran into a friend of mine and her new boyfriend.  All I have to say is...ew.  I understand a new relationship being exciting, and wanting to hang all over each other or whatever...that's fine...but some people just take it over the edge.  I was ready to slap her in the head with a frozen turkey if she giggled one more time. 

Am I being unfair to mushy people?  Is it wrong that I am so tempted to roll my eyes at them?  How can I stop being irritated by these people and/or cause them excessive pain?

Yours,
Candita

Dear Cand:

Don't you worry. Mushy people are annoying, but if you look at the world of food you'll soon realize that the mushiness won't last forever. Let me explain. You have something mushy. Let's say...pudding. The pudding's all sweet and mushy and liquidy and stuff. Sure it's nice for a bowl or two of, but you don't want to be eating it for the rest of your life. So you eat a bowl or two and then you forget to cover it up and put it back in the fridge. You leave it out over night. Then it get's that weird crust thing. Just like young love that soon grows old. From mushy to crusty.

Damn. All these food metaphors are making me hungry.

Anyways. Don't worry too much about that dang young love, eventually one of them will forget to put it back in the fridge and it'll get crusty, just like you and me!

Going off the get Breakfast Now, Jaq

Ah, mushyness is one of those things that sounds ludicrous until you try it. I mean, mushy peas, eh? Who thought to them? And they look vile, a big green biley sloppy mess.

But....

Then you try them, and you realise that the noble chip shop chip was invented, nay, divinely brought into being specifically to be draped in the green mushy goodness of pea.

I miss chip shops. *sigh*
Jaq
QUOTE (LoLo @ Dec 4 2003, 10:43 PM)
Dear Auntie Jaq,

I think this guy who works at the Rent A Center down the street likes me. He's a friend of a friend of mine and used to DJ at a strip club. I remember when I worked at the music store he would come in and talk to me for hours on end about music. I would usually take crap from my crew over flirting with him, but hey he's cute as hell in my book. Anyways he works down the street from me now at my new job and in the past week I've had to walk by his shop twice to go get copies made. The first time I walked by there was a freshly smoked ciggy butt still burning on the sidewalk (yes he smokes) so I think he may have come out to see where I went. Today I walked by to go get copies made and he was seen walking in front of my store shortly after, so perhaps he was trying to figure out where I work. The only reason I know he was walking by my store is cause some lady who I work with saw him, and even without knowing this was a guy I've thought was cute for quite some time figured out by the 3 piercings in his eyebrow, cool tattoo up his neck, and spikey blonde hair, that this would be a guy that I would find attractive. Then when I said something about him working she told me.

So here's my question: Oni says he thinks the guy likes me. I kind of think the guy likes me. Do you think he likes me? and if so what do I do? I can't afford to go rent to own a big screen tv for 8 times the amount I would get it if I bought it straight out so I have no excuse to go in the store.

Dear LoLo

Hmm...that's a dilly of a pickle. I'mma have to agree with Oni on this one. He likes you. From what I can tell at least. Too bad he works in such an expensive store. I'm not sure what you want to do. If there's any where outside of work that you guys could or would perchance to meet then that would be an ideal spot. Other than that, if there's nothing else you can always just go to his store on a slow day and ask him for his phone number. It's not as sneaky but guys aren't very subtle (yes, I'm stereotyping, so sue me) and he probably won't understand why you're there until you ask for his number.

I hope that helped, this was a tough one

Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Dec 4 2003, 10:46 PM)
Dear Jaq,

I have this really annoying friend who got introduced me to a certain web forum, after which I became addicted to it instead of studying for my exams.

My question is, would it be wrong to beat her to death with a spork?

Sincerely,
Vengeful in Canada

Dear Vengeful

Probably not, but it wouldn't be very efficient. I recommend some sort of large concrete block. You have to get one that has just enough heft to crush skulls but not so much weight that you'll get tired of swinging it after only a few minutes.

Yours, Hiding in Fear
Jaq
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Dec 4 2003, 11:25 PM)
Dear Jaq,

I seem to have trouble sleeping lately.  Would you mind coming over to my house every night to knock me over the head with a baseball bat so I could go to sleep? 

Thank you,
Wanting Sleep

Dear Sleepless:

No. for a few reasons:

1) I don't have a passport.
2) I'm pretty sure it's illegal (though I could be mistaken)
3) I'm lazy, and I'm not sure where you live but I'm pretty sure it's too far away from my house.

Don't get me wrong, I like to help people and bash people over the head with baseball bats and the day I can combine the two is a good day for me, but frankly, I'm just too lazy.

Yours, yawn...
Tigersong
Dear Auntie Jaq,

Why am I in school? Wouldn't it just be easier to marry rich?

Sincerely,
Hating Anatomy
Jonman
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Dec 5 2003, 11:08 AM)
Dear Auntie Jaq,

Why am I in school? Wouldn't it just be easier to marry rich?

Sincerely,
Hating Anatomy

What? My mate Rich? Nah, you don't want to marry him, he's a pillock.
acidteardrop
Dear Aunt Jaq,

what should i do?

yours,
confuzzlated
Jaq
QUOTE (acidteardrop @ Dec 5 2003, 01:57 PM)
Dear Aunt Jaq,

what should i do?

yours,
confuzzlated

Dear Confuzzlated:

There's a few things you could do. I recently made pancakes. That's always something to do. Then I ate them. There's another thing you can do. Today I've done many things. I've lazed around in bed, cleaned up the kitchen, made fun of Nostradamus, made (and eaten) pancakes, gotten dressed and had a nap. All in all a pretty fine day. If you're really stuck for something to do I recommend making fun of historical figures who made predictions about the future. That way, you can seem smarter than someone else without actually doing any real work.

ex:
Nostradamus - The earth will tremble in China
You - So, there's going to be an earthquake in China? Wow. That's really going out on a limb there Nostradamus, why don't you predict next that there's going to be a conflict in the Middle East, you know try to shake things up a bit.
Nostradamus - (doesn't say anything because he's long dead)
You - Yeah, that's right. you know I'm right.

Yours in Agony, Jaq
Tigersong
Dear Jaq,

That was pretty lame, letting Jonman answer my question about marrying rich and then not answering at all. Are you the lamest?

Sincerely, Bored out of his mind.
Jaq
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Dec 5 2003, 03:09 PM)
Dear Jaq,

That was pretty lame, letting Jonman answer my question about marrying rich and then not answering at all. Are you the lamest?

Sincerely, Bored out of his mind.

Out of Your Mind:

Yes. Yes I am. and I'll thank you not to point it out. Besides, Jonman is part of Agony Inc. and I thought his answer was super great.

That'll put marzipan in your pie plate Bingo!

Jaq
Tigersong
QUOTE (Jaq @ Dec 5 2003, 03:12 PM)
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Dec 5 2003, 03:09 PM)
Dear Jaq,

That was pretty lame, letting Jonman answer my question about marrying rich and then not answering at all.  Are you the lamest?

Sincerely, Bored out of his mind.

Out of Your Mind:

Yes. Yes I am. and I'll thank you not to point it out. Besides, Jonman is part of Agony Inc. and I thought his answer was super great.

That'll put marzipan in your pie plate Bingo!

Jaq

Yes, but I asked *you,* not Jonman. As much as I appreciate his advice.

/me does victory dance.

Next question:
Can I steal that Buffy quote for my sig?

...

Eh.
Too late. Already done.
Pikasyuu
QUOTE (porcelainwarrior @ Dec 6 2003, 02:28 AM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 5 2003, 02:10 PM)
QUOTE (CrissiLove @ Dec 5 2003, 04:30 PM)
QUOTE (syuu @ Dec 4 2003, 11:15 PM)
Dear Crissi -
Albeit, I'm not the agony aunt, but I am the niece. I propose this solution:

I'll be your groom and we can get married right quick! I shine up nicely in a suit and I promise to be a very chivalrous, as masculine as possible, sweet and charming husband. I may not be able to bear your children, but I promise I'll put a smile on your face every single day. =)

- agony niece syuu

Dear Syuu,

You are an absolute lifesaver! Get your suit ready! biggrin.gif You don't mind having a Christmas wedding, do you? LOL

Thank you,
Now Needing a Maid of Honor

Dearest Crissi-Love -
Oh! I'm so happy! I'll be ready and on time. Christmas weddings are wonderful, darling, anything for you!

<3
-syuu

yay! more weddings! wel...i dont feel qualified to be a maid-of-honour but if syuu's the groom then can i be your best man? if youll have me...

yours - in fear of rejection

Dear Laura -
I'd never have it any other way. You'll be the bestest best man ever bested as a man. =)
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
Dear Jaq,
I like this guy. We're friends, but I know he doesn't like me back. We were gonna go to the prom together, but my friend asked him about it and he said he didn't know who he was going with. He lied to me, I guess. What can I do to make him like me? unsure.gif

SSAODT
Jaq
QUOTE (Silver Star Angel of Da Towers @ Dec 6 2003, 04:21 PM)
Dear Jaq,
I like this guy. We're friends, but I know he doesn't like me back. We were gonna go to the prom together, but my friend asked him about it and he said he didn't know who he was going with. He lied to me, I guess. What can I do to make him like me? unsure.gif

SSAODT

Angel:

You can't. Sorry. No way no how. You can't make someone like you. Sure, it's a horrible answer, but it's the right one.

Go out and find someone else. I recommend spending less time around this guy you have a crush on. Eventually you'll realize that going after someone who's just not interested in you is fruitless, bad for your self esteem, and just plain frustrating. I know that you can't decide who you like and who you don't like, but you can decide who you spend time with. Try to spend a little less time with thi guy. It's not a cure all, but if he' s not interested you're just wasting your time.

Find someone who'll appreciate you and like you without having to make them.

Hope everything goes smoothly Angel

Auntie Jaq
Trampina
dear Jaq,
two problems:
1. i was dumped for being ''too goffic''.. whilst this makes me very happy because it shows i am very great, i would like to get back at him so he feels very bad about being a stupid shallow git. can you reccomend a way to do this?
2. my geography coursework is in tomorrow. i have not yet started it. it makes up about 25% of the grade. what shall i do?
Silver Star Angel of Da Towers
Dear Jaq,

THANK YOU!!! BLESS YOU! YOU ARE A GENIUS!

SSAODT
Jaq
QUOTE (Trampina @ Dec 7 2003, 06:11 AM)
dear Jaq,
two problems:
1. i was dumped for being ''too goffic''.. whilst this makes me very happy because it shows i am very great, i would like to get back at him so he feels very bad about being a stupid shallow git. can you reccomend a way to do this?
2. my geography coursework is in tomorrow. i have not yet started it. it makes up about 25% of the grade. what shall i do?

Dear Goff:

Too goffic, eh? Hmmm.... well if you really want to "get back at him" I recommend writing poetry about howdark life is, lighting black candles, wearing dark heavy black eyeliner and sending him dead flies wrapped in black velvet ribbon. That'll show him who's goff and who's not! However if you want to get back at him for dumping you because you were too gothic then I can't help you. I don't do vengeance very well, I specialize more in making fun of people and giving semi sane advice. I don't recommend you practice vengence either. He's not worth the time and effort and besides, it's bad for your complexion.

Haven't started an assignment due tomorrow that's worth 25% of your mark? Pull an all nighter. I don't know what level of school you're at right now, but once you get to university (if you plan on going) you'll find that pulling all nighters is not only a lovely skill to acquire but also a (usually) necessary part of being a student. Just watch out signs of sleep deprivation. When the economic conditions of a third world country seem especially funny or you notice that your eyes and fingers aren't quite in sync or when you find yourself rambling on about the signs of sleep deprivation then's the time to either go to bed or load up on chocolate and coffee. You know. Whichever.

Jaq
jicama
dear jaq.

i had this dream the other night. i know that it was really weird, but i don't actually remember what happened. i think it had something to do with my brother's car and a bag of cheezies though. what does it mean?

from: the person down the hall
Jonman
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Dec 5 2003, 02:09 PM)
QUOTE (Jaq @ Dec 5 2003, 03:12 PM)
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Dec 5 2003, 03:09 PM)
Dear Jaq,

That was pretty lame, letting Jonman answer my question about marrying rich and then not answering at all. Are you the lamest?

Sincerely, Bored out of his mind.

Out of Your Mind:

Yes. Yes I am. and I'll thank you not to point it out. Besides, Jonman is part of Agony Inc. and I thought his answer was super great.

That'll put marzipan in your pie plate Bingo!

Jaq

Yes, but I asked *you,* not Jonman. As much as I appreciate his advice.

/me does victory dance.

Next question:
Can I steal that Buffy quote for my sig?

...

Eh.
Too late. Already done.

No, but seriously, you really don't want to marry my mate Rich. He's hopeless, really. If Mata's breezing through this thread, he'll back me up, he's met The Rich.

Trust me on this. No matter how much he tells you "Ve Ladies Love De Rich" (and he will, time and time again), it's all lies. The Ladies do not love The Rich. Him and StrongBad have a lot in common. Mind you, he doesn't wear the wrestling mask, although he does have some 'junk in the front'.
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