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jicama
dear agony inc.

i'm talking on the forums instead of... wait, i don't actually have to be doing anything! yet all my friends still have crap to do before the end of the term. should i be feeling guilty, or rub it in so much that they will be forced to exact revenge?
oobunnie
Dear Jaq.

Edmonton or Calgary. Which is better and why.

ps. As for that sign. Is that for a restaurant. Looks like it for a gaming comision or something. Anyways I have deer sausage aswell. Tasty. Kind of taste like.. Well other sausages really.
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Dec 10 2003, 02:39 PM)
dear agony inc.

i'm talking on the forums instead of... wait, i don't actually have to be doing anything! yet all my friends still have crap to do before the end of the term. should i be feeling guilty, or rub it in so much that they will be forced to exact revenge?

Bastage:

How about neither? If you're really plagued with feelings of guilt you can always take some of your friend's tests or do some assignments. With that threat...erm..suggestion.. you're thinking "Hell no! I'm not doing that!" and so with your new found motivation to avoid work I believe your guilt is completely gone.

No need to thank me. Only doing my job.

yours (avoiding studying) Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (oobunnie @ Dec 10 2003, 03:05 PM)
Dear Jaq.

Edmonton or Calgary. Which is better and why.

ps. As for that sign. Is that for a restaurant. Looks like it for a gaming comision or something. Anyways I have deer sausage aswell. Tasty. Kind of taste like.. Well other sausages really.

Oobunnie:

Edmonton definitely. It's definitely more relaxed, it's where Edmonton Folk Fest is, the provincial legislature, the pretty river banks, the lack of traffic jams, three submarines, a big pirate ship and the utter lack of any rig pigs. Calgary on the other hand is crowded, dirty, boring, no trees, no Edmonton Folk fest, too many cowboy hats, and the last time I checked it didn't have one single submarine. And you know that's what I always look for in my cities. Submarines. The more, the better.

Jaq

p.s. I've been recently informed that that sign was from a California meat packing/butchering plant. Yeah... I'm as confused as you are...
jicama
dear you

you haven't analized the dream i posted earlier. i feel so unloved. and unhated.

from me.

ps
what are the 7 types of objectification?!
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Dec 10 2003, 10:01 PM)
dear you

you haven't analized the dream i posted earlier. i feel so unloved. and unhated.

from me.

ps
what are the 7 types of objectification?!

Jicama:

What? Of course I did, it just got sucked into an alternate dimension of forumites where everyone who reads it is so amused by said response that they explode. Close one, eh? I think you'll agree with me that it's safer if I don't post it here. Too messy.


From me!


p.s. instrumentality, intertness, denial of subjectivity, denial of autonomy, ownership, fungibility (heh heh heh) and erm...violability
jicama
dear psychanalysist type person

ok, i had another dream.

first, mom was dropping me off at the gateway mall because i needed envolopes for some class project in drawing. i didn't know what kind to get 'cause we hadn't been told what the assignment was, but i settled on getting one large white envolope with bubblewrap lining. while there, i saw alexis who is also in the class- she was having trouble deciding what to get as well, so she picked a small box of card envolopes. there were some guys with guns running around the mall killing each other, but we just stayed out of the way and ignored them.

then on the way home, i was walking through the paci school grounds, which is weird- in real life i always turn on 19th so i can walk past grandma's and cut through the park. also, if i was walking through the paci lot instead of just beside it, then i've gone too far... but i digress. i was walking along the parking lot side when a head poked out of one of the second floor windows. it was mr. goodplough. i have never met a mr. goodplough, but his name must mean something since i remembered it. he looked like a cross between mr. vickers (the paci science teacher who wasn't a bad guy, but incredibly boring) and mr. suek (who i never had as a teacher, but who i thought was pretty cool) anyway, i knew i had taken a science class from mr. goodplough and that he was a nice guy. he called hello to me and asked me what i was up to these days. i told him i was in fourth year university, and he said something along the lines of "wow! already?"- you know, the typical kind of responce by an adult who hasn't seen you in a while, but who couldn't remember exactly how many years it's been. then he said he had some experiments to attend to, wished me luck with my classes, and ducked back in the window.

then i wasn't walking home from the mall anymore, i was walking pip on our usual route. we were on our way home between 5th and 4th when i pulled pip over to the boulevard to let a woman go by with two small dogs. the little dogs looked exactly the same accept that one was very young and one was very old. they were black with white chests and a tuft of white on the tail. their hair ws long and their heads looked kinda like border collies. i've seen dogs that looked like them in rl, but i don't know the name of the breed. in my dream, these dogs lived just down the street and pip and i had seen them many times. i remembered that the young one's name was pepper 'cause it's the same name as your pseudo dog, but i couldn't remember the name of the old one, just that it started with "p", rhymed with pepper, and was one of those made up names that i always forget.

then it got harder to do stuff, and i realized it was because i was waking up.

figure that one out, miss smarty pants!
from: crazy in saskatchewan
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Dec 12 2003, 11:24 AM)
dear psychanalysist type person

ok, i had another dream.

first, mom was dropping me off at the gateway mall because i needed envolopes for some class project in drawing. i didn't know what kind to get 'cause we hadn't been told what the assignment was, but i settled on getting one large white envolope with bubblewrap lining. while there, i saw alexis who is also in the class- she was having trouble deciding what to get as well, so she picked a small box of card envolopes. there were some guys with guns running around the mall killing each other, but we just stayed out of the way and ignored them.

then on the way home, i was walking through the paci school grounds, which is weird- in real life i always turn on 19th so i can walk past grandma's and cut through the park. also, if i was walking through the paci lot instead of just beside it, then i've gone too far... but i digress. i was walking along the parking lot side when a head poked out of one of the second floor windows. it was mr. goodplough. i have never met a mr. goodplough, but his name must mean something since i remembered it. he looked like a cross between mr. vickers (the paci science teacher who wasn't a bad guy, but incredibly boring) and mr. suek (who i never had as a teacher, but who i thought was pretty cool) anyway, i knew i had taken a science class from mr. goodplough and that he was a nice guy. he called hello to me and asked me what i was up to these days. i told him i was in fourth year university, and he said something along the lines of "wow! already?"- you know, the typical kind of responce by an adult who hasn't seen you in a while, but who couldn't remember exactly how many years it's been. then he said he had some experiments to attend to, wished me luck with my classes, and ducked back in the window.

then i wasn't walking home from the mall anymore, i was walking pip on our usual route. we were on our way home between 5th and 4th when i pulled pip over to the boulevard to let a woman go by with two small dogs. the little dogs looked exactly the same accept that one was very young and one was very old. they were black with white chests and a tuft of white on the tail. their hair ws long and their heads looked kinda like border collies. i've seen dogs that looked like them in rl, but i don't know the name of the breed. in my dream, these dogs lived just down the street and pip and i had seen them many times. i remembered that the young one's name was pepper 'cause it's the same name as your pseudo dog, but i couldn't remember the name of the old one, just that it started with "p", rhymed with pepper, and was one of those made up names that i always forget.

then it got harder to do stuff, and i realized it was because i was waking up.

figure that one out, miss smarty pants!
from: crazy in saskatchewan

Dear Crazy:

O_o

From Jaq
jicama
come on, that's hardly an answer! help me out here!
Jaq
Crazy:
Here's the answer that I've been putting off for the last 9 monthes. It's gotta be a record...

You are self satisfied with your chosen major and also your choice to not run around and kill people. Pat yourself on the back young crazy one - you are making art and not killing people at the same time. Your goals have been reached.

Mr. Goodplough is just what he seems to be. He's a conglomeration of all of the adults from PA who see you and say hi and ask you the predctable questions. It's so predictale that you've started to dream about them. Also you were watchig Simpson's the night before last and that's where the name comes from. "Mr. Plough that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plough." The reason you only saw the upper half of his body was because he wasn't wearin any pants ala Homer Simpson in the final scene of that episode. You know I'm right.

The dogs are a signal from out ant overlords that the harvesting time as come. Fortunately they're only harvestin large quantities of used dental floss and old deep fat frier oil from that Harvey's in Wilma Nebraska. Close one, eh?

Yours in Sagacity and Insanity
Jaq
helicopter pilot
i am in need of your expert helpingness;
it is snowing and i generally hate snow coz it is the opposite of summer and summer is the best thing ever, but i was playing in the snow, and it was fun, it was like the beach, but cold. like a winter beach.
what do i do? do i celebrate the snowyness, or do i hide under my duvet?
i miss summer sad.gif
Jaq
QUOTE (helicopter pilot @ Aug 15 2004, 08:06 PM)
i am in need of your expert helpingness;
it is snowing and i generally hate snow coz it is the opposite of summer and summer is the best thing ever, but i was playing in the snow, and it was fun, it was like the beach, but cold. like a winter beach.
what do i do? do i celebrate the snowyness, or do i hide under my duvet?
i miss summer  sad.gif
*



That really is a quandry. I say you have to take your weather hating/loving day by day. If today you feel like playing in the snow and getting snow in your shoes and down your back and losing feeling in your extremities and getting generally cold and wet and miserable then I say go for it! If on the other hand you want to wrap yourself in the womb like comfort of your soft duvet then you have to follow that wish too. Just remember. There are people who would kill you for the chance to play in the snow. I'm not one of them, but I just thought I should warn you I've seen some frantic looking sweaty people around lately.

I'm sure that helped immensely. Now I will go back to my climate controlled wonderland.

Perspiring Profusely, Jaq
Tigersong
What do you think WWSBD? in "helicopter pilot's" signature line means? I'm assuming What Would Super Buddha Do?

Also, I knocked up a chicken and now it's having my mutant half-human half-chicken babies. I'm thinking they might be super-heros when they get older. Two questions: What should I name them, and should I do the honourable thing (in regards to her mother)?

Yours,
Perplexed in Canada
helicopter pilot
thankyou, you solved all my problems and my life is so much better, you are my new hero. the snow is fun and frozen and slidey today. biggrin.gif

tigersong; What Would Sponge-Bob Do?
Jaq
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Aug 16 2004, 12:56 AM)
What do you think WWSBD? in "helicopter pilot's" signature line means?  I'm assuming What Would Super Buddha Do?

Also, I knocked up a chicken and now it's having my mutant half-human half-chicken babies.  I'm thinking they might be super-heros when they get older.  Two questions: What should I name them, and should I do the honourable thing (in regards to her mother)?

Yours,
Perplexed in Canada
*


Dear Confused Canuck:

WWSBD? conquers the age old question of "Which whale should Brian dedorkify?" I think that this really sums up the ancient inherent dorkiness of all whales and the Brian that has come to rescue them all from their dorkish fate - possibly the highest aspiration of any bottle nosed dolphin - Brian being one of the most common bottle nosed dolphin names. Bottle nosed dolphins being one of the hippest water dwelling mammals with the possible exception of the often maligned and ignored manatees. Also by this discovery we can also infer that helicopterpilot is a bottle nosed dolphin named Brian who is looking for his own whale to dedorkify. I think it's all a bit elementary, I'm surprised you thought of some sort of super Buddha reference...

If you think you have super hero's in the making I say you should pit the off spring against one another. That way you won't have just all superhero's with no cool bad guys to fight, you'll have one or two super heros and one or two villians and the back story would be really cool. comic book geeks the world over would simultaneously die of ecstacy and perform previously unheard of self made resurrections in perpetuity. It would be awesome. Also you'd have chicken men to do your bidding *and* hate you with the fire of a thousand hells. And who doesn't want that?

ambiguity, quality, authority, Jaq
jicama
dear jaq-type-person

looking for a job sucks. so should i rob a bank, start a pyramid scheme, or form my own religion?

sincerly;
unemployed bum
FurryMammal
Dear blinkyjaqjenn

If all bibbles are bobbles, and all bobbles are bubbles, are all bubbles bibbles?
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Aug 31 2004, 12:38 PM)
dear jaq-type-person

looking for a job sucks.  so should i rob a bank, start a pyramid scheme, or form my own religion?

sincerly;
unemployed bum
*


Dear Jobless Bottom:

It's obvious what you should do. You have to start your own religion making yourself as the head prophet/god/goddess. This will take care of the pyramid scheme and if you like you can always get your followers to rob a couple banks for the common good. First though you have to do a couple of things. Develop the ability to BS on demand and make it sound convincing. I think you have to build up to the big lies. First you have to take a small untruth and get people to believe that. If they believe the first one you've got them hooked. From there you build to larger and larger untruthes (dirty filthy lie is such an ugly word!). Once you get the people giving you all their money (that takes care of your need for a job!) living in your compound, eating watery low protien gruel, and teaching their children to salute you every day it's only a small step from there to god hood and robbing banks! Good luck and remember, using strict heirarchacal practices will encourage obedience within the ranks and a stratifying of the society that you create! Revolutions and uprisings be gone!
This was just a sample of the many services that I provide. I go into greater length in my tapes,($299.95 for 6!) books,("I'm okay, You're Okay, Everyone Who Disagrees with me is Scum" $49.99 and "Follow Me to Eutopia you Worm" $49.99) informational seminars ($339.99 for the night and $999.99 for a special weekend retreat on one of my many specially built high security wilderness compounds!)

Mine, all mine, Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (FurryMammal @ Aug 31 2004, 06:23 PM)
Dear blinkyjaqjenn

If all bibbles are bobbles, and all bobbles are bubbles, are all bubbles bibbles?
*


Dearest Furry:

Hmmm, that's a dilly of a pickle. While bobbles in the great war of 1956 proved to be the switzerland of the b*bble world the bubbles and bibbles could simply not get along and while they shared some characteristics with each other extensive propoganda on both sides of the b*bble debate proved to be detrimental for their continued cordial and mutally beneficial relationship. And let's not even get into the trade embargos and the cultural genocide!
Also bibbles smell funny. So no. They're not bubbles.

Hope that clears things up.
Jaq
jicama
howdy jaq!

ok, so is it wrong to wish death on someone when they say they like you and that you'd make a great employee, but that they won't hire you because they're sure you can find a better job some where else? and you've been looking for weeks? and they add that if you want some temp work around christmas that maybe they'll hire you then?

from
seething ball of rage and hate
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Sep 2 2004, 09:32 AM)
howdy jaq!

ok, so is it wrong to wish death on someone when they say they like you and that you'd make a great employee, but that they won't hire you because they're sure you can find a better job some where else?  and you've been looking for weeks?  and they add that if you want some temp work around christmas that maybe they'll hire you then?

from
seething ball of rage and hate
*



No. Absolutely not. That's probably the most frustrating thing when looking for a job. Getting doors slammed in your face... that's pretty frustrating. Asked to come for an interview in an hour and told at the end of the interview that they hired someone a week ago.... that's really frustrating. Being told that you're perfect for the job and then they hire someone else in order to fulfill some equality quota... that's hella frustrating. But being told that you can get a better job somewhere else and that this job isn't for you? Well that's downright infuriating and it probably means one of two things... The employer is afraid that you will keep looking for another job and that you'll leave this one for a better one in a couple monthes, in which case he'd have to find another person for the job and waste valuable time training you. Or it could just mean that he's too afraid of you or people in general to tell them to their faces that they're dangerously underqualified and he thinks he's doing you a favour by telling you that you can get a better job because he really doesn't think much of himself and thinks you're too good for him and his shop.
I say go key his car. That'll show him who he should have hired!
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Sep 2 2004, 09:32 AM)
howdy jaq!

ok, so is it wrong to wish death on someone when they say they like you and that you'd make a great employee, but that they won't hire you because they're sure you can find a better job some where else?  and you've been looking for weeks?  and they add that if you want some temp work around christmas that maybe they'll hire you then?

from
seething ball of rage and hate
*



No. Absolutely not. That's probably the most frustrating thing when looking for a job. Getting doors slammed in your face... that's pretty frustrating. Asked to come for an interview in an hour and told at the end of the interview that they hired someone a week ago.... that's really frustrating. Being told that you're perfect for the job and then they hire someone else in order to fulfill some equality quota... that's hella frustrating. But being told that you can get a better job somewhere else and that this job isn't for you? Well that's downright infuriating and it probably means one of two things... The employer is afraid that you will keep looking for another job and that you'll leave this one for a better one in a couple monthes, in which case he'd have to find another person for the job and waste valuable time training you. Or it could just mean that he's too afraid of you or people in general to tell them to their faces that they're dangerously underqualified and he thinks he's doing you a favour by telling you that you can get a better job.
I say go key his car. That'll show him who he should have hired!
Tigersong
Dear Jaq of all Trades,

Did you double post (above) because of some nefarious world-domination scheme, or is it just because you're stupid?

PS - The Chicken Mutant Men (see above) are doing well and send their regards. Soon they will be trained enough that I will pit them against each other re: your advice.
Jaq
QUOTE (Tigersong @ Sep 7 2004, 01:53 PM)
Dear Jaq of all Trades,

Did you double post (above) because of some nefarious world-domination scheme, or is it just because you're stupid?

PS - The Chicken Mutant Men (see above) are doing well and send their regards.  Soon they will be trained enough that I will pit them against each other re: your advice.
*


Dear Chicken Pits

No. Absolutely not. To both accounts actually. I'm neiter stupid nor attempting world domination. Nope. No world domination here. Move along folks. There's no gross of kidnapped grunge, punk or industrial mod bands fed on a diet of dried luskfisk and convenience store ice cream and brainwashed through a series of negative reinforcements in the form of electrical burns and sporadic cold showers to do my every bidding. None at all.

Good work on the Chicken Men. I'm sure they'll do their papa proud. Or kill you. Either way I'm amused and that's all that counts really.

Auntie Jaq
Tigersong
QUOTE
No. Absolutely not. To both accounts actually. I'm neiter stupid nor attempting world domination. Nope. No world domination here. Move along folks. There's no gross of kidnapped grunge, punk or industrial mod bands fed on a diet of dried luskfisk and convenience store ice cream and brainwashed through a series of negative reinforcements in the form of electrical burns and sporadic cold showers to do my every bidding. None at all.


Good to know. *moves along*

</spam>
jicama
dear auntie jaq

i've got a friend in korea that i've been meaning to send a package to for over a month. at what point does a busy schedule and good natured forgetfulness turn into slothen disreguard? what sort of retribution could i expect from said friend? in short, am i currently riding in a hand basket?

from:
procrastinating in canada
vicrawr
dear jaq

ditto

from:
ditto in u.s.
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Sep 16 2004, 10:44 AM)
dear auntie jaq

i've got a friend in korea that i've been meaning to send a package to for over a month.  at what point does a busy schedule and good natured forgetfulness turn into slothen disreguard?  what sort of retribution could i expect from said friend?  in short, am i currently riding in a hand basket?

from:
procrastinating in canada
*



Evil evil *evil* person whom I don't know:

Obviously you have a subconscious desire to kill this person. Slothen disregard is just a handy way of saying "I'm too lazy but if I wasn't boy howdy I'd put an extra set of holes in that person's head in none too pleasant places." Of coruse you're much to slovenly to actually say this as it takes too many syllables and much too much time and breath and effort. Breath and effort that will probably be spent watching TV or trying to decide which is lazier; rolling off the couch to retrieve a remote controller that's fallen off or simply poking at said remote with your toe in hopes of getting the right channel on the TV without actually looking at the buttons you're prodding. Your "friend" in Korea also feels this slothen disregard,(which, as I said before translates nicely into murderous but slovenly rage) and so i so woe be you two if ever you should meet in real life.

Hope that helps, Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (IrishGuy @ Sep 16 2004, 12:03 PM)
dear jaq

ditto

from:
ditto in u.s.
*


Ditto in U.S.

Also ditto

Jaq Jaq Hope that Helps, Hope that Helps
Pab
QUOTE (Jaq @ Sep 16 2004, 07:53 AM)
QUOTE (IrishGuy @ Sep 16 2004, 12:03 PM)
dear jaq

ditto

from:
ditto in u.s.
*


Ditto in U.S.

Also ditto

Jaq Jaq Hope that Helps, Hope that Helps
*




ermmm ... Triple ditto, except I've been procrastinating for upside of 6 months now. My friend also lives in Korea. Also, do you think she's good with knives?

Pab "Procrastination would be my middle name but I've got one ..."
the lil' pie fairy
Dear Jaq (as a female point of view was wanted here as well)

What do I do if me and my boyfriend are playing a fighting game on the good old PS2, and I'm winning lots, and he suggests we stop playing?
Does this mean he's merely bored, ashamed at losing to a girl, or honestly just wanted to hug me lots?


Yours, Pie xx
Jaq
QUOTE (Pab @ Sep 16 2004, 10:50 PM)
QUOTE (Jaq @ Sep 16 2004, 07:53 AM)
QUOTE (IrishGuy @ Sep 16 2004, 12:03 PM)
dear jaq

ditto

from:
ditto in u.s.
*


Ditto in U.S.

Also ditto

Jaq Jaq Hope that Helps, Hope that Helps
*




ermmm ... Triple ditto, except I've been procrastinating for upside of 6 months now. My friend also lives in Korea. Also, do you think she's good with knives?

Pab "Procrastination would be my middle name but I've got one ..."
*




Pab:

You will die penniless and alone. In a street. A dirty street. A dirty street in a third world country with lots of camels who like to spit on things that are lying in the street. Lying in broken glass and surrounded by large rabid rats chewing all of the bits that the leprosy failed to decimate. Did I mention the leprosy? Oh yeah. You get leprosy too. also testicular elephantiasis... which makes for a handy target for the rabid rats. You could have avoided all of this pain, misery and unfortunate skin problems if only you sent this poor unfortunate isolated soul a little package, no matter how delayed, and brightened her otherwise dreary and sad sad existence.

Yours, Jaq

p.s. She has a number of sharp knives but I've consulted with her and she thinks that the cards fate's dealt to you doesn't warrant any extra curricular pain or suffering.
Jaq
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Sep 17 2004, 12:13 AM)
Dear Jaq (as a female point of view was wanted here as well)

What do I do if me and my boyfriend are playing a fighting game on the good old PS2, and I'm winning lots, and he suggests we stop playing?
Does this mean he's merely bored, ashamed at losing to a girl, or honestly just wanted to hug me lots?


Yours, Pie xx
*


Pieishness:

Look at his face and his body language. If he was slumping over, being quiet and having his eyes glaze over than that means he was either bored or annoyed. Or hungry. Or possibly tired. Guys can be hard to read sometimes.... anyways that would mean he'd want to stop playing because he wasn't having any fun. He might have just wanted to hug you lots. But more than likely he was probably feeling a little of all three and decided to be his own activites director, take matters into his own hands and figure out something a little more interesting. I mean really: If you were a guy and you were sitting next to a knock out like you would you really want to just play PS2? pthb.. Not likely.

Tenacity, perspicacity, Jaq
gothictheysay
Dearest Jaq,

I have (again) encountered problems with my sleep.

Why am I sitting here eating cereal at 1:30 in the morning when I have to get up at 5:30 for school?(other than not being able to get back to sleep, or the fact that I trudged down here) I go to bed early so I get enough sleep...but that causes me to wake up at this time, then go back to bed around 2:30ish (if I'm lucky), and I'm tired all day.

Thanks,
Hmm-I-Wonder-If-I-Should-Sign-My-Name-Like-They-Do-When-They-Write-To-Dear-Abby-Nah
Jaq
QUOTE (gothictheysay @ Sep 17 2004, 03:41 PM)
Dearest Jaq,

I have (again) encountered problems with my sleep.

Why am I sitting here eating cereal at 1:30 in the morning when I have to get up at 5:30 for school?(other than not being able to get back to sleep, or the fact that I trudged down here) I go to bed early so I get enough sleep...but that causes me to wake up at this time, then go back to bed around 2:30ish (if I'm lucky), and I'm tired all day.

Thanks,
Hmm-I-Wonder-If-I-Should-Sign-My-Name-Like-They-Do-When-They-Write-To-Dear-Abby-Nah
*



GTS:

You're actually a masochist but you don't know it yet. Now you do. Congratulations. Welcome to the masochistic world. Also you have an unexplained fetish for cereal. I'm not sure how this ties into the masochism but hey, there you go, we can't all be vanilla. Revel in your new found sexual leanings and here's hoping you find a sadist who likes long sleep deprived hours and shoving cereal down a willing masochist's throat.

Ain't-no-way-no-how-this-auntie-is-an-Abby, Jaq

p.s. If you ever want a break from your masochistic tendencies try going to bed at the same time every night and staying in bed when you wake up in the middle of the night. Lights (computer screen) and food tend to wake you up even more when you can't get back to sleep. You've trained your brain (unknowingly) to wake you up at this time because when you wake up you go and do things rather than staying in bed with your eyes closed.
Artemisia
Dear Jaq,

I have a problem. I am living in my very first apartment. So far, nothing is unpacked yet though I have been here for 3 weeks. My problem: I just bought a futon and I bought a black frame and black mattress because black goes with everything and I thought a black one would be easier to sell in 2 years and also it matches my crappy black-and-wood-laminate furniture from Walmart and the black lamps and black filing cabinet. However, now there is too much black in the living room and I want a new color however I don't know whether to buy a new funky-colored futon cover and then try to buy a matching rug or to buy the rug first and then find a futon cover to match because the futon covers are 60% off right now and in the 2 hours it would take me to go to Walmart to buy a rug someone might buy the futon cover I want and there might not even be a rug that works! Furthermore, I am not convinced that I will be able to imagine the look of a colored futon and rug combo in my living room because now it is so incredibly messy I can't even see the futon yet I am hesitant to buy the cover and try it out because the sale is final and the cover non-returnable. So, do I have a plain futon and funky rug or vice versa? HELP! My fiance is bisexual which means he is kind of half-gay, which means he's good with tips on clothing fashions but does not have the decorating gene, so he can't help! (just kidding...no offence intended! )

Signed, Colorless and Confused
Jaq
QUOTE (Artemisia @ Sep 18 2004, 11:42 AM)
Dear Jaq,

I have a problem.  I am living in my very first apartment.  So far, nothing is unpacked yet though I have been here for 3 weeks.  My problem: I just bought a futon and I bought a black frame and black mattress because black goes with everything and I thought a black one would be easier to sell in 2 years and also it matches my crappy black-and-wood-laminate furniture from Walmart and the black lamps and black filing cabinet.  However, now there is too much black in the living room and I want a new color however I don't know whether to buy a new funky-colored futon cover and then try to buy a matching rug or to buy the rug first and then find a futon cover to match because the futon covers are 60% off right now and in the 2 hours it would take me to go to Walmart to buy a rug someone might buy the futon cover I want and there might not even be a rug that works!  Furthermore, I am not convinced that I will be able to imagine the look of a colored futon and rug combo in my living room because now it is so incredibly messy I can't even see the futon yet I am hesitant to buy the cover and try it out because the sale is final and the cover non-returnable.  So, do I have a plain futon and funky rug or vice versa?  HELP!  My fiance is bisexual which means he is kind of half-gay, which means he's good with tips on clothing fashions but does not have the decorating gene, so he can't help!  (just kidding...no offence intended! )

Signed, Colorless and Confused
*



Dear CC

First, clean the living room. That way you can see what you have to work with. Then once you've cleaned the living room, surveyed it, thought long and hard about colour schemes and clashing tones and other artsy deco things go out and get a bright coloured futon cover. There's a sale. And it's only on for a limited time. Go. NOW! And if it doesn't work out you can always change it back to the black and go to value village and get yourself a rug. And if that doesn't work name yourself Sarah, wear thick black eyeliner, smoke clove cigarettes and revel in your gothic-chic look.

Yours in practical designing tips, Jaq
Artemisia
Hi Auntie Jaq! I am colourless and confused no more... I am now $130 poorer! But gosh darn it, I hopped out of bed, I went to Walmart, I saw a rug I wanted, and...then I was a sissy and allowed another girl to buy the last one while I stood there trying to decide whether I really did want it or not....but then, THEN, I marched straight to the futon outlet, bought that red futon cover, and bought a totally different, totally UNEXPECTED red carpet to match!

Then went home and spent hours agonizing about how overwhelmingly red the apartment looks now. But, I have learned to like it! Thanks for the advice!

Red Rugged
jicama
dear pseudo aunt girl thingie

today i had an exceptionally rude customer on the phone that caused me great vexation. normally i would vent my anger by burning them in effigy and having a nice drink, but as i said she was on the phone so i have no idea what she looks like. should i look up her number in the reverse directory and spy on her, or should i just use my imaginaton to make up what i think she'd probably look like? also, should i go with the whiskey or the rum, or should i go to the store and replenish my booze cupboard?

from- in a dilly of a pickle
the lil' pie fairy
Dear yourself,

I'm not sure whether to cook spaghetti napoletana for tea next week, and be healthy, or spaghetti carbonara with bacon in it and lots of Carte D'or for pudding and get fat, have cholesterol problems and so on. (It's my turn to do a meal in my house, but everyone else is out, so it's just me...strangely)
What should I do?

Yours in hyperbolic description of consequences, a small pie xx
Jaq
QUOTE (Artemisia @ Sep 21 2004, 01:50 PM)
Hi Auntie Jaq!  I am colourless and confused no more... I am now $130 poorer!  But gosh darn it, I hopped out of bed, I went to Walmart, I saw a rug I wanted, and...then I was a sissy and allowed another girl to buy the last one while I stood there trying to decide whether I really did want it or not....but then, THEN, I marched straight to the futon outlet, bought that red futon cover, and bought a totally different, totally UNEXPECTED red carpet to match!

Then went home and spent hours agonizing about how overwhelmingly red the apartment looks now.  But, I have learned to like it!  Thanks for the advice!

Red Rugged
*


Rrrrrrr:

Glad I could help. Suppose blood red isn't quite as goth as blacker-than-your-black-blackblack but probably treading that fine line between clove cigarettes and scented candles. Good one. I approve.
Tarantio
dear autie jaq:

My sucky computer is a public one in the library that doesn't have any messenger facilities at all...

Do you still love me anyway?
Jaq
QUOTE (the lil' pie fairy @ Sep 22 2004, 11:31 PM)
Dear yourself,

I'm not sure whether to cook spaghetti napoletana for tea next week, and be healthy, or spaghetti carbonara with bacon in it and lots of Carte D'or for pudding and get fat, have cholesterol problems and so on. (It's my turn to do a meal in my house, but everyone else is out, so it's just me...strangely)
What should I do?

Yours in hyperbolic description of consequences, a small pie xx
*



Whoop, this one is time sensitive. Better do it right quick. If you haven't eaten yet, I say go for the carbonara. Unless you're Jewish. Then go for napoletana. Unless you're French and sensitive about Napoleon and wouldn't feel quite right about eating Napoleon in effigy. If you're Italian you can eat either and if you're Russian than just go have some borscht. It's cheap like.. borscht. Your supper choice really all depends on where your grandparents or great grandparents were born. If you've got none of those countries genetic material then do the most mature thing and go eenie meenie minie mo. It's really all up to you... and chance.. but mostly up to you.
Jaq
QUOTE (jicama @ Sep 22 2004, 06:17 AM)
dear pseudo aunt girl thingie

today i had an exceptionally rude customer on the phone that caused me great vexation.  normally i would vent my anger by burning them in effigy and having a nice drink, but as i said she was on the phone so i have no idea what she looks like.  should i look up her number in the reverse directory and spy on her, or should i just use my imaginaton to make up what i think she'd probably look like?  also, should i go with the whiskey or the rum, or should i go to the store and replenish my booze cupboard?

from-  in a dilly of a pickle
*



DOAP
You've actually got it better than most people who want to seek revenge on the people who did done them wrong. Most people know what their wrong doers look like and so they've not got alot of leeway in the ways of effigy... two arms, two legs, one head. Really quite strict. But with you you can just imagine what she looks like and build the effigy from your imagination. Probably got greasy stringy hair stuck full of burrs and dead mammals, three or six heads, 6 inch long fingernails dripping with the blood and entrails of previous customer service people, slithers around on her snakelike belly whilst screeching in a voice that only dogs can hear (poor things) "I want to speak to your manager!" the eternal cry of the customer from hell. There now. Isn't that much more satisfying than getting drunk and stalking the thing?
Jaq
QUOTE (Tarantio @ Sep 23 2004, 12:39 AM)
dear autie jaq:

My sucky computer is a public one in the library that doesn't have any messenger facilities at all...

Do you still love me anyway?
*


After thinking long and hard about this, searching my soul. Staring at the computer screen. Playing some tetris. Wracking my brain. Playing a bit more Tetris, and finally settling down to answer this question I can honestly say that I really suck at Tetris. Okay, so I'm playing this new one, right? It's all 3D, but it's at this funky angle so it's really hard to try and get pieces in the right columns and I totally screwed up because I kept missing which column the pieces were in and it was just so frustrating!

Anyways, the question... um lemme check that again... Yeah sure. Why not?

Yours in Negligence and Tetris, Auntie Jaq
Tarantio
in a classic reversal of roles...

Dear auntie jaq,

sucking at tetris is not something to be ashamed of. I myself used to suck at tetris, then I began practising and now its very rare that I get beaten at all. My recommendation, though, would be to stop trying to move forward with the times and go with the old retro tetris, if you still own a game boy. Nothing to beat it, except maybe Wetrix, but that was on the N64/PC and very few people actually OWN that game. Plus, if you can beat my score of seven and a half million, I'll be impressed. Go on then, jump to it.

Oh, and I suppose I love you all too... sinse we're all admitting to it and all.
Oni Usagi
Dear auntie whom I could easily talk to on irc instead of asking a question here,

Where oh where has sexy losers gone to? I mean, it's still there, but hasn't been updated in months. Also, how do I get it back?

Love Sincerely Yours,

bored comic freak
Jaq
QUOTE (Oni Usagi @ Sep 23 2004, 01:18 AM)
Dear auntie whom I could easily talk to on irc instead of asking a question here,

Where oh where has sexy losers gone to?  I mean, it's still there, but hasn't been updated in months.  Also, how do I get it back?

Love Sincerely Yours,

bored comic freak
*



Freak:

It's simple. Sexy Losers are no longer Sexy nor are they Losers. They are now all balding middle aged men with jobs as security gaurds. Not even dangerous security guards either. They're not guarding bank vaults or biochemical labs. No. That would be much too interesting. That might be Sexy. No. They're guarding the world's largest ball of lint. 6 of them. Every night. Obviously they're not on Sexy Losers because they're so proud that they know they're neither sexy nor losers anymore.and they would get laughed off the strip. And not in a good way either.

Sadly not guarding anything but dirty dishes, Jaq
Jaq
QUOTE (Tarantio @ Sep 23 2004, 01:07 AM)
in a classic reversal of roles...

Dear auntie jaq,

sucking at tetris is not something to be ashamed of. I myself used to suck at tetris, then I began practising and now its very rare that I get beaten at all. My recommendation, though, would be to stop trying to move forward with the times and go with the old retro tetris, if you still own a game boy. Nothing to beat it, except maybe Wetrix, but that was on the N64/PC and very few people actually OWN that game. Plus, if you can beat my score of seven and a half million, I'll be impressed. Go on then, jump to it.

Oh, and I suppose I love you all too... sinse we're all admitting to it and all.
*



Now I have a purpose in life. Screw this enjoying life to the fullest crap. I'm gonna beat Tara at Tetris!
Artemisia
Hello Jaq (or is that Ninjaq?)

I have a problem. My 42 year old neighbour and her 11 year old son are really nice and have been spending lots of time with me. I like them too. However, they seem to like the fact that, to the outside world, I tend to present as a "good Christian" like them. Problem is, I get the feeling we have VASTLY different views on religion and life in general. Like, they are conservative Mormons and I am...liberal and agnostic to the point that I probably shouldn't even self-identify as Christian.

How can I send the subtle message that I'm not what I seem without resorting to hanging gay porn on my walls?

Signed, *Goody-two-shoes Poser*
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